Where do you draw the Nag line?

Parent Cafe
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Here’s my suggestion about house rules: if your adult sibling came to stay with you for a few months, what house rules would that person be expected to observe? I think this can clarify whether something is really a house rule, or if it’s really a vestige of the exertion of parental authority.
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Good question!

If a sibling came to stay for a few months and we had a “no eating in the living room” rule, I’d expect them to honor it (we don’t have rules like that, but some people do).

I wouldn’t allow a sibling to play blaring music in the middle of the night, or drive our cars w/o asking first.

If a sibling was being a total couch potato - day after day - then I might gently try to explore what was behind that. If there was nothing medical/mental going on, then I’d try to brainstorm some outside activities (sightseeing, whatever) to help get them out in the fresh air occasionally.

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acollegestudent, obviously that perspective has worked out well for you. Maybe I’ll stop asking them to exercise and eat my health food when they are your age. But for us, we have always asked that if the kids aren’t involved in a sport, that they exercise every now and then. It is important to us, and they haven’t made a big fuss about it. They know it’s necessary, and they don’t rebel against a reminder or suggestion. We do pretty much anything they ever want us to, put everything aside to snap to it for the kiddos, so why shouldn’t they do what we ask for occasionally? Especially if it’s for their own health.

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She has a job. Yay!!!

Ask her to take a walk with you or a yoga class.

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I would agree that if you take a walk with her (and she isn’t vegging due to sheer exhaustion), maybe you can kill two birds with one stone, maybe chat a bit and get her moving.

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Really?

I avoid outdoor activities because I have a history of skin cancer and absolutely have to wear sunscreen, and I hate the feeling of wearing sunscreen.

I can’t imagine my sister bothering me about that if I were staying with her.

But of course she could expect my cooperation in matters relating to the smooth running of the household or use of her possessions.

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See, there’s rebel and there’s Rebel, as in, dig in your heels and refuse until hell breaks loose. The kid who spends some time vegging, but holds a job, isn’t looking to undermine. More likely, just wants to be left alone enough to feel some free will. You look at the balance. And yes, mabye you get clever with the suggestions.

The problem may be the word “nag.” We can work with our kids, try to influence their standards, thinking and choices, without being dominating or repetitious.

No one is seriously saying it has to be a walk- I think it’s the example because it’s casual and easy.

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" I avoid outdoor activities because I have a history of skin cancer and absolutely have to wear sunscreen, and I hate the feeling of wearing sunscreen.

I can’t imagine my sister bothering me about that if I were staying with her"

But wouldn’t your sister know that about you? And if not, wouldn’t you feel comfortable telling her?

I would be pretty concerned about my sisters mental state if she stayed with me for two months and didn’t want to do any exercise at all. I was be very concerned that she was depressed, or had something medical wrong with her.

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My sister and I “talk” by email almost every day, but we’ve only seen each other twice in the past 10 years. I doubt she would know that about me. But whether or not she did, she wouldn’t nag me about it. Similarly, I wouldn’t nag her about her use of alternative medicine, which I disagree with.

After all, our relationship with each other is entirely voluntary. Either of us could cut it off at any time. Therefore, we need to be careful about what we say to each other.

There comes a time when a grown child’s relationship with a parent is entirely voluntary, too. My offspring are 29 and 25 now and completely independent. Any contact they have with me is by choice.

Sometimes, grown children cut their parents out of their lives because of excessive nagging. My brother-in-law did. He asked his father to stop giving him financial advice, and the father didn’t stop. So he cut off all contact with his father. The father died about 10 years later, without ever seeing or talking with his son again.

Consider: If you nag the kid on the couch to get off the couch, will that kid ever want to see you again once she has a couch of her own?

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It is doubtful that you would find yourself a long-term guest at her house then.

We have a guest coming over for a few days. Our bare minimum for that short a time is unspoken - please tell us if you clog the toilet, please don’t leave hair in the shower drain, please don’t drink from the milk carton.

Anyone who is at our house for more than a few weeks and an adult, you would have a few rules to follow. For example, unless you’ve got a medical thing going on or some other odd situation, I’d expect you to work or at least look for a job.

I think we are talking about nagging a HS senior about to be graduate. As to “when does it end”, when my son graduates HS, he can live at home assuming he isn’t married (and under extreme circumstances, if he was married), but at that point, there will be a few rules and he should follow them or move out. I would never charge him rent though, and I would want a courtesy call if he spent the night anywhere other than our house, even at age 25+, unless he warned us previously.

Nagging and not nagging may not work, but consider the importance of the issue. IMHO, someone who is working, and is not obviously gaining weight or getting weaker, is doing fine for exercise.

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I swim regularly ( outdoors( with quite a few people who have had skin cancer, they wear sunscreen, but also there are rash guards and other clothing with 50 spf, so that you dont have to be trapped indoors.
http://www.swimoutlet.com/rash-guards-c11705/
Sunscreen also does not have to feel different than wearing any other type of cream or lotion, unless you are like my H and refuses to put anything on his skin to retain the protective barrier.
The spray kinds expecially, feel lighter, although I usually use ones with a physical barrier.

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“If a sibling was being a total couch potato - day after day - then I might gently try to explore what was behind that. If there was nothing medical/mental going on, then I’d try to brainstorm some outside activities (sightseeing, whatever) to help get them out in the fresh air occasionally.”

There is a complete difference between “my sibling seems not to be interested in anything, I’d like to explore what’s going on” and announcing that there is a house rule that everyone needs to get X minutes of exercise daily.

And there is no comparison whatsoever between saying to an adult child “we expect you to clean up after yourself, help set the table, take out the trash, do the laundry, feed the dog” - which are “citizen of the household” chores – and “we expect you to take these vitamins and exercise according to our preferences.” I say that as someone who has two adult children living with me right now as they work on finding their first apartments.

I’m completely with abasket. These aren’t little kids we’re talking about. Do you make them eat certain vegetables, too? What if they don’t like brussels sprouts?

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"Perhaps if I was a really great parent, I’d let them lounge on the couch the entire time they came home, whether it was for weeks or months. I’d be bringing them trays of donuts, bottles of soft drinks and beer, never asking a single thing of them. "

The opposite of “I have a house rule requiring everyone to get X minutes of exercise a day” is not “I am your servant bringing you donuts and beer 24/7 and not expecting you to lift a finger.”

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Thank you for the excellent example, @Pizzagirl.

There’s an important distinction between the two types of expectations – whether the person involved is your adult child, your sibling, or any other temporary or permanent adult member of your household. And I think that previous posts didn’t make that clear.

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We have a microagression against Brussels sprouts now?
Btw, my kids love Brussels sprout.
Anyway kid#2 was a couch potato. Signed up for yoga but only did it sparingly, did occasional swim, slept all day an stayed up all night. No chores, nothing. I regretted let her do that. What a waste of a summer.
But I did encourage her to go backpacking in the Sierra for a week.
Fast forward I offered to pay for any fun classes, so racketball, surfing, belly dancing, swimming worked wonders. Kid lost all the freshman 15, which she might have gained starting the summer before college.
Now she works this summer and first day of work already complained she was tired. I laughed with my husband that she will keep very normal hours now. Work is wonderful.

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@Marian <<<can’t imagine my sister bothering me about that if I were staying with her.<<<

Keep in mind that the question was about this person staying for a few MONTHS.

And if I had a (mentally and physically healthy)sibling that I was encouraging to get out of the house, and s/he had sunscreen issues, then I’d think of stuff to do when the sun went down…or if necessary, out of the house but still indoors.

When I’ve had family stay for a week or so, I didn’t care what they did. lol

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So busdriver, do you “require” your spouse to exercise as well? I don’t mean encourage, participate in, support, offer to join in. I mean “require.”

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I think when adult children, particularly those with spouses/SO’s, opt for motel rooms rather than stay with parents, it’s because of things like:

  1. parents have pets, and X has allergies
  2. parents don’t have adequate space for guests.
  3. friction between parents and X
  4. either the parents or the visitors smoke inside, and that’s not compatible with the other.

I don’t think it’s because the visitors are lazy and don’t want to lift a finger or honor a reasonable house rule. But if that’s the reason, then getting a hotel is probably best.

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"And there is no comparison whatsoever between saying to an adult child “we expect you to clean up after yourself, help set the table, take out the trash, do the laundry, feed the dog” - which are “citizen of the household” chores – and “we expect you to take these vitamins and exercise according to our preferences.”

Thank you for the excellent example, @Pizzagirl."

Why yes, such an excellent example. Only problem, though, it’s a bunch of hyperbole. That’s not what I said. I think my children, who are not delicate flowers whose self esteem is destroyed by me giving them healthy food and vitamins (they say thank you). And when I say, “Honey, you need to get some exercise soon, do you want to go hiking or running with us?” They say, “Ah, no thanks, I’ll go on my own.” I’m sure they understand our efforts to get them off the couch, and are not so pathetically sensitive that they will not want to visit us, the next time. In fact, they seem quite happy while they are here, and seem to think life is great.

"So busdriver, do you “require” your spouse to exercise as well? I don’t mean encourage, participate in, support, offer to join in. I mean “require.”

My husband is an excellent athlete. I can only dream (though I try) to come remotely close to his level of fitness. In fact, he is mostly what motivates me, and I know watching him motivates the kids as well. He is amazing, but I am sure he will overexert himself and get injured, and then I get a chance to catch up, sadly, that’s the only way I can. There is only one exercise I “require” of him, and he has to be willing, of course. :smiley:

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@busdriver11, what if your adult children (or any other adult in your household) said “No, I’m not going to exercise.” How would you handle that? Would you handle it differently for your adult child than you would for others (such as the visiting sibling we keep talking about)?

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Has she tried zumba? I love it and there are people of all ages and sizes at my classes. Maybe get her to try it with a friend, your treat, maybe even a bribe? If she likes music she might enjoy it, you might too! You don’t need to be a good dancer, I never was. I was always jealous of my friends who could dance because I felt like a block on legs at dances. Now that I’m old, I don’t care how I look and I think I do pretty well!

I haven’t read all of this thread, but honestly…what exercise did we get at that age? I don’t think any of the people I knew joined a gym. Gyms weren’t quite the thing and I don’t think fitness in general was as big as it is now. I would not sweat the exercise thing as long as its not a person who sits all day at work, then all night at home.

I have been lucky that my kids get exercise, but it is driven by a love for basketball in one kid and vanity for both of them I think. They like the look of abs and muscles. They are also somewhat health cnoscous as I see them read labels. It is very improtant that the non-exercisers at least understand nutrition labels.

S1 was either at the gym, or parked on the sofa/bed or in front of the computer. He has also played recreational basketball since he was little and now is on an adult team. S2 is still in school. He runs and goes to the gym, but he and his gf will also ride bikes and have catches. Otherwise, he too is on his butt. (they both do work)

I don’t think nagging gets ANYONE to exercise. You can only suggest activities she might not have thought of. The gyms around here offer summer memberships, maybe she has a friend that would go too. Nagging doesn’t work well at all, I should know because I do a lot of it. My kids just completely tune me out.