Where do you draw the Nag line?

"My sister and I “talk” by email almost every day, but we’ve only seen each other twice in the past 10 years. I doubt she would know that about me. But whether or not she did, she wouldn’t nag me about it. Similarly, I wouldn’t nag her about her use of alternative medicine, which I disagree with.

After all, our relationship with each other is entirely voluntary. Either of us could cut it off at any time. Therefore, we need to be careful about what we say to each other."

Everyone has different relationships with their siblings. I see my sister often, though we live 2,000 miles away. Generally, we text daily. We know a great deal about each other, including health issues, blood test results, very private things. If there is something she is concerned about for me, she nags me MERCILESSLY. She will not relent until I take care of the issue she is worried about. I have absolutely no resentment because I know it’s because she loves me, and she only has my best interests at heart. And she is very smart, and usually right. In return, I have helped her with some serious health issues that she has had, but we are both careful about the way we say things to each other. I wouldn’t tell her to exercise or how to lose weight, but if she came to see me for a couple of months, we would be exercising together, at whatever level she wanted. If she wouldn’t exercise, I would be very worried about depression.

"Sometimes, grown children cut their parents out of their lives because of excessive nagging. My brother-in-law did. He asked his father to stop giving him financial advice, and the father didn’t stop. So he cut off all contact with his father. The father died about 10 years later, without ever seeing or talking with his son again.

Consider: If you nag the kid on the couch to get off the couch, will that kid ever want to see you again once she has a couch of her own"

I don’t go beyond the point where my kids get aggravated. If they ask me to stop talking about something, I will. But I didn’t raise kids that were so overly sensitive that a couple reminders that they needed to get off the couch would turn them away forever. I think they love me a lot more than that, and they remind me of things that they feel are important without any concern that I would get offended or not want to see them. Family is forever, we love each other, we know that anything said is purely out of concern. Our bonds are not fragile.

I couldn’t even BIKE 6 miles at that age. Now I can run it! I don’t recall any of my friends exercising in college.

Nagging vs. requiring are two different things.

And exercising vs. not sitting on my couch all day and disrupting my family’s activities and setting a bad example for my kids are two different things. I’d probably get my kids and my sibling to take a walk with me…

I’m not sure how we got from one’s child - teenaged or older - to one’s sibling or any other adult. I know that for example I had a friend stay for a few days and how she treated my apartment was the reason that we are not friends any more. Yes, that bad - and disrespectful.

Here is an example - my parents don’t live with me, but I do ask about the last time they exercised or took a walk, and if/when/why they went to the doctor lately. It could be considered nagging, but if they forget on occasion about simple things, I feel keeping it in their mind is important.


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Sometimes, grown children cut their parents out of their lives because of excessive nagging. My brother-in-law did. He asked his father to stop giving him financial advice, and the father didn't stop. So he cut off all contact with his father. The father died about 10 years later, without ever seeing or talking with his son again.

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wow! That must have been some excessive nagging…almost OCD nagging! Sad that once “no contact” started, the dad didn’t acknowledge his mistake and rectify that so that he could still see his son!

@busdriver11, what if your adult children (or any other adult in your household) said “No, I’m not going to exercise.” How would you handle that? Would you handle it differently for your adult child than you would for others (such as the visiting sibling we keep talking about)?”

If my husband says he’s not going to exercise, it’s because he’s in pain, from overdoing it. I would say, you poor thing, why don’t you lay on the couch and let the dogs comfort you? If my kids said no, they would say that they would do it tomorrow, or that they already did it. I find it highly unlikely that they would say, “No, I’m not going to exercise, ever!” They’re not stubborn little toddlers. They know that they need to exercise. As far as a visiting adult, I would ask them if they wanted to go on a hike or go running or kayaking, depending upon the person. All of our friends like to do that, so that’s something they would enjoy doing. And as I said before, if my sister visited for a couple months (which she has never done, only a week), if she didn’t want to exercise, I’d be worried about her, that would mean something serious is wrong with her.

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And as I said before, if my sister visited for a couple months (which she has never done, only a week), if she didn’t want to exercise, I’d be worried about her, that would mean something serious is wrong with her.


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I wouldn’t so much be concerned about “actual exercise,” but if my sister came to stay for a couple months, and she only wanted to sit on the couch playing with her phone or watching TV, I would be very concerned.

But back to the OP…

I think the mom is just concerned that her DD is just going to work and vegging-out all other times. If she’s working 55 hours a week, then ok. But if she’s a typical teen working 20-40 hours a week during the summer, then I would be concerned about her just being a couch potato.

I so agree with mom2 ckids. Knowing that my Kid worked so hard his last year in HS, and band and academic team, and all those AP exams, just wow. If he sat around and read fiction, cooled off in the pool, fine. Of course, he would be expected to keep his stuff clean and do his laundry . When he was home during college, he had a private cooking lesson, but we both agreed to that. No hesitation asking him to run to supermarket. And he loves hiking and canoeing and BB and bike riding.

Son is a night owl and a crier. Thank goodness I am his parent.

“I think the mom is just concerned that her DD is just going to work and vegging-out all other times. If she’s working 55 hours a week, then ok. But if she’s a typical teen working 20-40 hours a week during the summer, then I would be concerned about her just being a couch potato.”

I agree. But you generally don’t work seven days a week at restaurant jobs, so unlikely it’s the 55 hours. Yet restaurant work can really tire you out, not just physically, but mentally. For me, it was a real shot of reality of why I needed to get a degree and do something other than that. There were ladies in their 40’s working at my restaurant, and they were tired and overworked. And people can treat you like crap, you burn out quickly in a job like that. Even short days can feel long.

I can definitely understand the tendency to want to veg out, but I think that kids need to do other things than work and play on the computer or their iPhone. I would be searching for fun activities to do that I knew my kids liked, just to get them out to do something. For my kids, it would be rock climbing, boating, movies, plays, bowling. Just something else, but with a schedule like 4-11, it would be tough. Perhaps on the days off, I would suggest doing something that I knew they enjoyed.

“I wouldn’t so much be concerned about “actual exercise,” but if my sister came to stay for a couple months, and she only wanted to sit on the couch playing with her phone or watching TV, I would be very concerned”

I would be very concerned, because my sister’s routine is spending hours at the gym. If she didn’t want to do anything physical, I would be worried that she was ill or depressed.

“If you nag the kid on the couch to get off the couch, will that kid ever want to see you again once she has a couch of her own?” If all it takes to alienate them is nagging about the couch, one has bigger, deeper, and longer standing issues going on than he/she realizes.

The financial advice: “Sad that once “no contact” started, the dad didn’t acknowledge his mistake.” Yo, how about the son, who cut his father off? Pretty stiff attitude, if you ask me. Something else must have been festering.

BD, whether or not I agree, is talking about a family that seems to get along well enough to continue whatever their formula is. Same here.

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@SouthernHope My S is the same. Veg city. He exercises only bc he is obsessed with his running times, and having abs…whatever works.

He does chores, but barely speaks…I think it is a phase. I hope he grows out of it before he gives me grandkids!

Folks, people have their own house rules. That’s ok. Your house, your rules. Whether they are chore rules, or life rules, their house, their rules. I have few rules…and my brother in law has been living in my basement for 18 months… :frowning:

Well, I hope he helps out, HRSMom. :slight_smile:

^. He is a huge couch potato…at least he works.

“BD, whether or not I agree, is talking about a family that seems to get along well enough to continue whatever their formula is. Same here”

Yes. I think we all have things that work for our families. Or not. Not everyone is the same, and when we start talking about kids and families, everyone seems to project their own specific issues and situation upon everyone elses, with all the baggage and assumptions that it entails. We are all different. I think the things that we have done over the years, right or wrong for someone else, have worked out better than we could have ever hoped for. My kids are so happy, smart, accomplished, confident, I couldn’t ask for any better result. Some of the things we have done, people would think we are nuts, but they were right for us as a family.

" I have few rules…and my brother in law has been living in my basement for 18 months… "

Uh oh, you are generous! Me and my husband made an agreement many years ago, that nobody lives with us, except for our own kids, and our parents, if necessary. So many people have asked, or tested the waters. Very glad that we have stuck to it, as it would have always been such a loss of privacy. How is this working out for you?

Yes, but there’s also “My kids, my rules.”

And sometimes, there’s a conflict between the two.

@MiamiDAP said that the “no crying” rule in her household applies to grandchildren, too. What if MiamiDAP’s daughter married a man who believed that crying was a normal form of emotional expression and didn’t want his children to be told that it was wrong?

We tell him to go, then “something happens” we relent…he travels a lot, so it’s not terrible. H told him he has to go by July 1…fingers crossed,

^ I’m hoping the bf is out by late August. I like him, but I think he needs more self-responsibility, in order to flourish.

I sincerely hope Miami’s doctor-daughter doesn’t believe that crying is a reason to go to the hospital. I’m terrified to know what she tells her patients if she believes that!

Interesting thread. @SouthernHope, with just 8 weeks left until your d goes off to college, I would ask myself what I hoped to get out of this last hurrah of nuclear family time. Not that she won’t still be your daughter once she’s at school, and not that your family won’t still be a close unit, but that relationship and that degree of closeness will morph into something different. She’ll be making all her own decisions about vegging, exercising, sleeping, studying, etc. in just 8 weeks. My feeling is that it makes sense to recognize her right to make those decisions now and minimize conflict so you can enjoy each other. To the extent possible - college-bound kids are supposed to bug the stuffing out of you now.

Are you concerned that she won’t be prepared for the demands of college if she gives in to vegging now? Are you thinking that she won’t have the energy for a busy college life, or that she’s veering toward depression? If those are your concerns, how would she respond if you asked her about them?

It’s just hard having other people in your house, I think. Kids, no problem, we are used to that, we love seeing them. But other people, even if it’s family members, I believe that it is tough. Others take advantage of your kindness, there is the feeling of being uncomfortable in your own home. People who take care of their parents, God Bless them.