<p>Another wedding thread DS is planning his wedding and the guest logistics are complicated. It is not technically a destination wedding, but nearly all the guests will have to travel hundreds of miles. They are looking into having a ceremony on the beach and reception at my exâs house, but I was wondering if we should be hosting everyone the night before. I know it is customary to include out of town guests to a rehearsal dinner, but this would be potentially a very large gathering. In addition to the expense, I am thinking this is going to be an unwieldy number of people. </p>
<p>I want to do the right thing and I need some advice!</p>
<p>You can ask someone to organize something like a dinner somewhereâa pay your own way thing, while you do the rehearsal dinner for just the wedding party and close family, and then have desert and coffee at your house or a night cap, or just leave it as is. Many rehearsal dinners, in fact most of the ones I know about, just include the immediate wedding party, and maybe their dates, and essential family, like grandmom and immediate members. The young people might want to even have an early dinner to meet up with every one elsewhere after dinner. The rehearsal dinner is really just that, for those who should be at the rehearsal, and even all the family members do not have to attend. </p>
<p>The last wedding I attended which was a very formal one with all the bells and whistles, did not include anyone other than those in the wedding party and needed at the rehearsal for the rehearsal dinner because the rehearsal was done some distance away, and the dinner was held right near that venue. Most of us got together and went out to dinner near where we were staying. The parents of the bride then opened their house when they came back from the dinner, for coffee and just sitting around the night before the wedding. </p>
<p>Iâve also seen all included barbecues rather than a formal dinner. So really anything goes. This can be an opportunity for guests to do some exploration of the area on their own, not constrained by planned wedding events. The day of the wedding will have enough things one has to do.</p>
<p>I just returned from a wedding where almost all of the guests were from out of town. They held the rehearsal dinner for the immediate family and bridal party on Thursday. Then Friday, the family of the groom had an outdoor barbecue for all of the out of town guests (150 people). This was something they wanted to do. It very informal and funâŠnothing like the very formal wedding held on Saturday.</p>
<p>I like the idea of a dessert. As noted, you could have a rehearsal dinner with just the wedding party, and then invite others to join you for dessert afterward. Iâd keep it simpleâŠ</p>
<p>I will sayâŠyou really donât need to host an event unless you want to!</p>
<p>Another thing very common around here is a brunch the morning after the wedding. Another option of you want to host something.</p>
<p>We really enjoyed the barbecue we went toâŠbut really, if they hadnât had it, we would have gone out to dinner. It was nice to have this before the wedding because the guests were from opposite ends of the country, and it gave folks a chance to meet before the wedding night.</p>
<p>For my daughterâs wedding there were some difficult family dynamics on the groomâs side and the rehearsal dinner became an issue. We stepped in and had a catered (informal) dinner on our deck for the wedding party and close family followed by a dessert party for all out of town guests. It worked perfectly and everyone was happy. Groomâs father wound up paying for the caterer.</p>
<p>Weâre invited to a wedding in a major city this fallâ75% of the guests are traveling quite a distance. The families decided that including all out of town guests for the rehearsal dinner would virtually mean a second wedding! Instead they decided to provide a list of eateries for interested guests with the suggestion that everybody meet for a night cap at a bar near the hotel. This way, guests can check out the downtown area, choose a restaurant to their own liking and still see the wedding party before the evening ends! As a guest unfamiliar with the area (and interested in exploring!) I like the plan.</p>
<p>You do not have to do anything, but there are options of what you could do. Suggest that guests congregate at a fun bar. Host a dessert - buy a few pies and such at Costco. Email suggestions for activities in town.</p>
<p>Is there a pool at the hotel most people will be staying at? A bar? Can the hotel block off a small area for the wedding guests? Have then all pay their own drinks? Get a family friend or someone to informally hostess, shake hands, say hi.</p>
<p>As long as people feel welcome, youâve done your job.</p>
<p>Thanks for the responses. I was getting nervous after hearing from DS, because he said he had talked to a lot of friends who are planning to make the trip. </p>
<p>Since my ex is hosting the reception with a bbq theme at his home, I donât think it would be reasonable to ask him to have people over the night before. The couple, the brideâs family, my family and most of his friends will be coming from other parts of the country. I canât think of any way to host everyone in the same place without a lot of effort.</p>
<p>I guess I am looking for assurance that itâs not a big social faux pas to not include everyone who is from out of town. Iâm new at this!</p>
<p>No, just those at the rehearsal, are those to go to the rehearsal dinner, and itâs really because a lot of rehearsals are at that time when going to dinner right afterwards is a natural thing to want to do.</p>
<p>Iâve found that more and more weddings these days are turning into mulitple day events, which is fine if one wants to do this. But itâs also fine to let your guests explore the area on their own. And with the big day coming, you might have a lot of last minute things do. If you are lucky, relaxing might be one of them. </p>
<p>My brother had a "destination weddingâ before iâd ever heard the term. He married a European woman, and so there was a big wedding overseas, and he and his wife decided to make it a 4-5 day celebration with each day very fully planned. I think many of us could have done with a little more free time as it was a good opportunity to do some European travel and sightseeing, but it seemed to be discourteous to not show up on things that were clearly so carefully planned and scheduled. He and my SIL came to that conclusion too, after the fact.</p>
<p>Okay, thanks! I think I can breathe normally again The wedding isnât til June 2014, so details are still being developed. Iâm just relieved to not feel the need to put on a second reception in a location Iâve never seen!</p>
<p>Now that I think about it, it could be the different âgroupsâ will enjoy getting together on their own. Good idea to include a visitorâs guide so people can do some touring.</p>
<p>You can do what you want ~ really. I would consider who âneedsâ to be at the rehearsal and go from there. After that maybe add in Grandma, etc -any particularly distinguished guest. The case for not having a large rehearsal dinner, of course, is it steals-the-thunder a bit from the actual big event, the wedding. However, maybe lots of togetherness is desired. Donât be influenced by âshould beâsâ Not sure there is any playbook any longer~</p>
<p>juniebug,
I agree that you should do whatever you feel makes you comfortable. Our son is getting married in August of 2014, on the other side of the country. 80%+ of the guests will have to travel 3,000 miles for the wedding. We will be having a dinner on the night before the wedding at a nice restaurant in the city where the wedding is. We realize that this will include almost all the guests who will be at the wedding, but it is our extended family custom to do this. It gives everyone a chance to mingle and chat and catch up. We also make a brunch at the hotel where most everyone is staying for the morning after the wedding. Itâs the âgood-byeâ part of the weekend. After starting my own wedding thread a couple of weeks ago, I realize that what we do may be âout of the norm.â</p>
<p>Peggy Post, great-great-granddaughter of Emily:
</p>
<p>In my family, the rehearsal dinner would normally include the bride, groom, their parents (and any new spouses, SOs, wedding dates) their siblings (and spouses, SOs, wedding dates) the attendants & (spouses, SOs, dates) grandparents (ditto) </p>
<p>It gets tricky when we get to aunts and uncles and cousins. Some leeway will be allowed. It gets especially tricky when cousins are included in the wedding party. Then their parents will be invited to the rehearsal dinner. debates come up on this issue, also on whether to include small children who belong to various relatives and friends.</p>
<p>I have been to weddings where the rehearsal dinner is almost as big a shindig as the wedding. When almost all the guests are from out of town, that seems very nice to me - unless the family hosting the wedding isnât also hosting the rehearsal dinner and feels like it overshadows the main event. Or if the groomâs family feels pressured to entertain all the out of town guests at the rehearsal dinner when that isnât their custom.</p>
<p>We had a similar situation a decade ago at our wedding - 75% or so of the guests were coming in from out of town so we wanted to include them but did not want the relatively formal rehearsal dinner to get out of hand. So we had a pre-rehearsal picnic for everyone who wanted to come (most everyone) and then a more formal post-rehearsal dinner for those actually in the wedding rehearsal. Seemed to work well.</p>
<p>Congrats, momof3sons! I would love to host a dinner the night before, but the number of guests is growing to potentially 50+. Like you, most of them will be coming from hundreds of miles away.</p>
<p>I attended a shower last year where a woman expressed outrage that she had not been included in a rehearsal dinner after traveling about 200 miles to attend a different wedding. Having no experience in such things, I wanted to know if this really is an expectation.</p>
<p>I am also trying to be sensitive to the brideâs familyâs feelings because I donât think they will be contributing financially to the wedding events. I think it is best not to go overboard. On the other hand, I do want to take care of the guests who care enough about my son to make the trip.</p>
<p>We travelled 2,500 miles to our nephewâs destination wedding earlier this year. Werenât invited to the rehearsal dinner and didnât expect to be. The rehearsal dinner was actually held on Thursday night for a Saturday wedding. On Friday night there was a hosted dinner at a local restaurant for all those who had arrived by then, which was fun. </p>
<p>Weâve been to 5 weddings of nieces and nephews in the past few years, and only one of those did not involve a journey of at least 300 miles. We werenât invited to any of the rehearsal dinners and, since we werenât in the wedding parties, did not expect to be invited no matter how far we had travelled. But I guess different families will have different expectations, which is what can make wedding planning such a potential mine field.</p>
<p>The last very formal wedding I attended that involved a lot of travel with a lot of people traveling as well, with a lot of events scheduled over the 3 day weekend on top of the main event of the wedding, involved an on site rehearsal that was far enough away that no one wanted to make two trips there, other than those who had to do so, which were those who had parts in the wedding that could use rehearsing. Not even the dates, spouses of the those in the wedding wanted to make that trip. And the timing of the rehearsal was such, that they did have their rehearsal dinner near the site right after the rehearsal. The rest of us just did as we pleased in the area, and it was nice to have some unscheduled time. </p>
<p>It can be pricey enough to have a nice wedding and reception without having to provide other meals to the guests. Other than very special guests. like great grandma, and maybe a dear uncle or family member who otherwise cannot afford to make the wedding without help on the costs, I donât think anyone is owed anything other than the wedding fare. But in the last ten years Iâm seeing an increasing number of weddings with other meals and venues provided. I 'm not going to be doing that, I can tell you right now. I might help certain family members and maybe very close (and none come to mind at the moment) friends who are strapped for funds and canât make it without some aid, but provide dinners, lunches, breakfasts to all of the out of town guests who might be coming for a weekend? Absolutely not. Unless we made a deliberate decision to use the time for some family/friend get-together, everyoneâs pretty much on their own until the wedding.</p>
<p>Thank you, thank you for posting this question. It was the one that I left out of my engagement party/showers post for another day. We are having this debate as well: wedding is in a location that is at least a driving destination for everyone so likely that many guests will be staying overnight the night before for AM wedding, tradition in our world is to host dinner for out-of-town guests the night before the wedding, but concern about cost of feeding so many people even if a BBQ. When the groomâs older brother got married a few years ago, they hosted a casual night before âOpen Houseâ for out of towners where guests people could come and go as they pleased, have some food, but not a sit down dinner. No speeches. Our daughter and future SIL like that idea as a model, so we are trying to figure out how to incorporate it and balance against the expectation by our families of a rehearsal dinner that is an event. I hope others will continue to post their experiences because this is all really, really helpful to those of us who have transitioned from college admissions to wedding planning.</p>
<p>Every out of town wedding Iâve attended over the past few years have included a rehersal dinner as well as Sunday morning breakfast for out of town guests, with the exception of one cousinâs sonâs wedding at a small inn in the Catskills. I certainly didnât feel the least bit slighted that we had to get our own dinner on Friday night and as we were staying at another inn across the road with another cousin and her husband we were a foursome for breakfast on Sunday morning. Golf was arranged for those who wanted to play on Saturday morning prior to the reception and DH did take advantage of that. He paid for that but foursomes were arranged by the groom. Given that it was a small resort area, no salon options for the women and so I just relaxed that morning until time to get ready for ceremony. The couple who got married actually had a six month old baby and as the bride was from London where they had met as cousinâs son lived and worked there, they had been married in civil ceremony there already although nobody seemed to be aware of that.</p>
<p>I love the idea of a picnic-ish get together (like for a HS reunion not that I have actually ever attended one) and the romantic in me wants to see them playing croquet and frisbee and the kids blowing bubbles etc.</p>
<p>In our family, we would invite everyone from out of town to a rehearsal dinner the night before. When my sister got married, her groomâs parents balked at the expense â but all of our side was from out of town, as she was getting married in the groomâs home town. So my parents wound up holding a nice reception / dinner on Fri night to which everyone from out of town was invited, and then the actual rehearsal itself and a casual dinner hosted by the groomâs parents (for those actually involved in the wedding party) got moved to Thursday night. It worked out well, IMO. The groomâs family is all local, and they werenât really used to the idea that people actually traveled distances and might be from out of town, so they didnât really understand how my family felt it was important to host the out-of-towners. My parents held the reception at the hotel at which the OOT guests were staying, so it was convenient for all.</p>
DS is planning his wedding and the guest logistics are complicated. It is not technically a destination wedding, but nearly all the guests will have to travel hundreds of miles. They are looking into having a ceremony on the beach and reception at my exâs house, but I was wondering if we should be hosting everyone the night before. I know it is customary to include out of town guests to a rehearsal dinner, but this would be potentially a very large gathering. In addition to the expense, I am thinking this is going to be an unwieldy number of people. </p>
The wedding isnât til June 2014, so details are still being developed. Iâm just relieved to not feel the need to put on a second reception in a location Iâve never seen!</p>
We also make a brunch at the hotel where most everyone is staying for the morning after the wedding. Itâs the âgood-byeâ part of the weekend.