<p>^ PG: So in your example scenario - if the groom’s family had followed your family custom, all the out of town guests would have been invited to the rehearsal dinner? but not the in town guests?</p>
<p>So, the groom’s family invites all the out of town guests (maybe 100?) who also happen to be the bride’s family guest list. But the groom’s family and friends, who are local, aren’t invited to the rehearsal dinner? How do they feel about that?</p>
<p>This is where it all gets so very confusing to me! It sounds like your parents found a perfect solution. I also very like how alwaysamom (on one of the other threads) just decided to entertain everyone at every event, but she had no budget constraints as far as I could tell.</p>
<p>The groom’s in-town family would have been invited. But not the groom’s neighbors or in-town friends, no. Honestly, it was so lopsided due to the fact that our family was from elsewhere that that is where my parents stepped in, so the groom’s parents wound up doing exactly what they wanted in the first place - a small, casual dinner just for wedding party members - and my parents wound up doing exactly what they wanted in the first place - host a dinner for all out of towners. It was easily accomplished by having everything move up a day, so the rehearsal / wedding party thing was Thursday instead of Friday and the out-of-towner reception was Friday. The groom’s family was of a different socioeconomic level than my parents, and it would have been a hardship to have asked them to have hosted all of our out-of-towners. It all worked out well.</p>
<p>Honestly, alh - I find it’s more of a “Jewish norm” to have a rehearsal dinner that includes all out of towners. Just my observation. We were (nominally) Jewish and my sister’s groom wasn’t, and I don’t think they’d ever attended or even thought about out of towners. They had a different set of life experiences.</p>
<p>I was in the throws of the MOG experience at this time last year with a Labor Day wedding. S & DIL live in FL, but the wedding was in Chattanooga, DIL’s hometown. The venue was actually on the GA side of Lookout Mountain and would only accomodate 150. By the time we looked at wedding party and their plus ones, family members, etc., we had 108 invited to the rehearsal dinner. We had about 80 show up (responses were that 84 would come, but life happens). ExH and his wife had scouted the venue and caterer as they traveled to FL in the winter and we shared costs, although he got the larger share. I worked with the wedding florist via phone, Pinterest boards, and e-mail and some of the flowers from the rehearsal dinner were used again the next day for the wedding which helped defray S & DIL’s wedding cost (DIL had a set amount from her family and they paid what was over and above that).</p>
<p>My initial reaction was amazement when I saw the number on the guest list, but it was really a nice event and we used that evening as a chance to do a slide show featuring the bride and groom (childhood pictures and then couple pictures) and the toasts. It was the practical solution for those things since the wedding and reception venue was outdoors and not amenable for a slideshow or people hearing toasts/speeches.</p>
<p>I agreee with the others that you are free to do what you want, but if you do decide to host something, I would encourage you to keep it simple for yourself so that you can enjoy the wedding. The best part of the whole wedding was enjoying seeing the wedding couple enjoy their family and friends, not what we ate, etc.</p>
<p>I guess I don’t see it as some increasing trend. It was what was done in my social circle (or more accurately my parents’ social circles) 27 years ago when I got married. I got married over a Labor Day weekend, all of our extended family and all of the groom’s side were from out of town, and we had a casual dinner Friday night, a luncheon and a pool party on Saturday during the day, a rehearsal dinner Saturday night, a brunch Sunday morning, the wedding itself Sunday night, and a good-bye brunch Monday as people prepared to leave. That was just how it was done in their circles. For whatever it’s worth. This wasn’t a destination wedding; it was held in the city where my parents lived.</p>
<p>Re: taking care of out-of-towners ~ I don’t quite understand this. Traveling is a part of most everyone’s lives, everyone I know. Except for the elderly or very young, most people don’t need to be taken care of. It is about enjoying each other’s company, so enjoy!! It’s not an obligation.</p>
<p>It’s about being hospitable, and recognizing that for many people, it’s a good chunk of their discretionary income to come out of town for your special event. (Which is why I’m not a fan of destination weddings.)</p>
<p>In addition to the rehearsal dinner and wedding day activities, S’s wedding also had a bbq hosted by one set of bride’s grandparents and a brunch on Sunday morning for wedding party and close relatives. While I agree that travel is common in the lives of many and that a rehearsal dinner that includes out of towners shouldn’t be an absolute obligation, I’m seeing with my twentysomething kids that the expense of wedding travel is becoming prohibitive. </p>
<p>D turned down a request to be a bridesmaid in October because of the cost of participating in a Napa destination wedding. I recently saw an article about this trend on nbcnews.com in July and I ran across another article somewhere else last week. By the time you buy a bridesmaid’s dress, pay for hair & make-up, buy a plane ticket, pay a minimum of two nights in a hotel, etc., you can’t participate in an out of town wedding for less than $1500-2000. Both of my kids have been in several weddings during the last few years and I know they appreciate both having these meals provided and being able to spend time with their friends who are now so scattered across the country. Not all of the friends are in the wedding party, so including them has made the events more fun for all. So, while I know every wedding is different and wedding etiquette varies widely across the country, I’m glad we opted for the more inclusive rehearsal dinner.</p>
<p>H and I got married young - just out of school. Our friends all had to travel to where my parents lived (300 mi away from where we had all gone to school together). This was a big expense for them just starting out. We paid for the bridesmaids and groomsmen to have their own rooms at the hotel, knowing that they’d invite some of our other friends to crash with them and they could save expenses. The girls bought their dresses, but we bought the shoes and accessories (ok, this was the era of matchy-matchy, but still). And we fed them all as much as possible. I think that’s what you do when you have a lot of young people just starting out, for whom a dinner out IS a big deal, and the cost of gas to go 300 miles IS a big deal. To tie it back to CC, these were my 21-year-old friends who had all just graduated and some had major student loans. Of course I tried to minimize their expenses.</p>
<p>In my family and my social circle (as well as my parents) it is the same as Pizzagirls family. </p>
<p>“I find it’s more of a “Jewish norm” to have a rehearsal dinner that includes all out of towners. Just my observation. We were (nominally) Jewish and my sister’s groom wasn’t, and I don’t think they’d ever attended or even thought about out of towners. They had a different set of life experiences.”</p>
<p>My MIL, who is not Jewish, had never heard of having out of town guests when she first discussed the rehearsal dinner with my mother. My parents offered to pay for their guests but my in-laws politely declined and paid for everyone - and there were probably around 150 out of towners.</p>
<p>Please, to say this is showing ignorance and belittling other cultures that also have this custom and more. I’ve been to a lot of out of town weddings where all of the out of towners’ lodgings are also paid for besides being invited to rehearsal dinners and next day brunches.</p>
<p>Every time I’ve been at a rehearsal dinner or other immediately pre-wedding event I’ve been a member of the wedding party, the GF of a member of the wedding party, or a close relative in from out of town. When I’ve traveled to other weddings, I wasn’t at the rehearsal dinner. I don’t think there is any absolute obligation to invite OOT guests, but it can be a nice gesture if you want to do it. Depending on where the wedding is, some people might prefer to entertain themselves.</p>
<p>I’ve seen great variation in this. In a couple of cases, the dinner was held at the bride’s home. In all others, it has been at a restaurant, hosted by the groom’s family. Some of them included all out of town guests as well as family and wedding party and SOs. Some didn’t.</p>
<p>When I got married, it never occurred to us to invite OOT guests, but on the other hand there might not have been anyone around on Friday night.</p>
<p>Oh please, cbreeze, don’t take insult where none was given. I simply said it’s a “Jewish norm” in my experience. How is that “belittling” anyone? If other cultures go above and beyond and additionally pay for all the out of towners’ lodgings, well, then more power to them! </p>
<p>Consolation - I agree that depending on the wedding location, some people might prefer to entertain themselves. I think you’re kind of obligated to be at the rehearsal dinner if you’re in the wedding party / close relatives, but if you were just a “regular” out-of-town guest and you wanted to make your own plans for dinner or meet up with other people in that city, I don’t think there would be any problem saying that you wanted to do so. In other words, I think it’s an invitation, not a commandment.</p>
<p>Is that really true - that every girl dreams of one? I did have the big fancy wedding (only 5 bridesmaids, though!) but I didn’t really ever “dream” of one. TBH, I don’t think I even thought about it until it was time to start planning it. I didn’t have some grand scheme of how I thought it should be. I enjoyed it, but I could have been fine with something simpler, and it’s not that I sit and think about it or anything.</p>
<p>I didn’t dream of it, either. I always think it is ridiculous when they trot that one out. (Nor did I care about or go to our prom. AFAIK, hardly anyone did. It was mostly football players taking sophomore girls. :rolleyes: )</p>
<p>The rehearsal dinner guests are comprised of" the bridal party (with mates/significant others) Parents of both sides. ALL the out of town guests (theory is that once you arrive guests shouldn’t have to open their wallets)…and everyone else who wants to stop by…</p>
<p>Just hosted an out of town wedding for our daughter and this very topic caused some grief. The groom’s parents wanted the “traditional” guest list and we pushed for more of an open house since ALL guests were traveling from 2 hours to 1000 miles. We lost, so we rented out the conference room($100) at the hotel, bought subs, chicken and some sides from Publix and drinks. Our good friends ‘ran’ it while we were at the official dinner. The hotel posted a sign that all guests of the wedding (all stayed at the same hotel) were welcome. After the dinner, the bridal party joined the guests at the hotel. The groom’s family ended up embracing the idea and both sides shared the event. It was a low-cost compromise that worked out great!</p>
<p>We will be hosting a rehersal meal for mds’s Oct. wedding. It is in a rural destination so I am comfortable with it being limited to the wedding party and us and her parents on that Friday evening. Period. I am not going to feel obligated to host everyone coming from everywhere that evening nor do I want them to feel they are on a time table to get there. We will have a most wonderful wedding and reception on THE day in which to socialize with everyone.</p>
<p>Hmmm…we weren’t invited to the rehearsal dinner when my BIL and SIL were married. (We came from OOT and DH and both kids were in the wedding party.) </p>
<p>For S1, he and DIL invited all family, wedding party and some friends who had already gotten into town. A number of people were arriving later that evening. We did a buffet at a local BBQ place and then invited folks over for cobbler and ice cream at our house (which was Catering Central at that point). It was not fancy at all and folks knew it since we were cooking for the following day. Heck, they were lucky not to be dragooned into KP duty that night! :)</p>