<p>First – I think people should only host events, they are comfortable hosting. If the groom’s family favors a small rehearsal dinner that’s reasonable. Some families make different choices. When my D got married (it was in the area where we have a vacation home) my son-in-law’s mother (son-in-law’s father–divorced from his mother–contributed but didnt arrive until the day of the wedding) decided to host a rehearsal dinner for the wedding party and any guests who were there. All the guests with the exception of my family (brother, nephews, cousins) lived within 2-6 hours of where the wedding was held. My son-in-law’s mother is from Russia and she had Russian food ( brought in a chef from a Russian restaurant) and music–everything possible was Russian. SIL’s mother had a great time and it was a wonderful dinner. She has no daughters–said this was her wedding present and her only chance to host an exent like this. IiRC there were probably 75 people at the dinner. We invited 120 to the wedding.</p>
<p>OK I understand that some people want to have a big dinner party the night before the wedding with 75 or 100 people there. And they want to entertain out of town guests. But why call it a rehearsal dinner in that case? In my experience the rehearsal dinner is for — those who were at the rehearsal.</p>
<p>Certainly from all the posts there is a wide variation in the practice and custom between families, regions of the country and even cultures. I’ve just never seen or heard of such large “rehearsal” dinners in my experience, and I’ve been to more than a few weddings.</p>
<p>This discussion has thus been eye opening. We’ll just have to see what develops when our kids get married.</p>
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How odd! Was your family the only one not invited to the rehearsal dinner?
Now that sounds lovely (and delicious!).</p>
<p>I agree that a groom’s family should host what they are comfortable with and not what other feel they should do. If the brides’s family wants more, or have a different expectation, then they should provide for that.</p>
<p>In the south, I’ve seen what’s called a 'Church reception" or “cake reception” where a tent or church hall is used for Cake and punch for all invited to a farily large wedding, often someone well known in the church community so that the families want as many people included at the ceremony, but then is followed by a much smaller, more private reception with a meal. So much can be done.</p>
<p>When it comes to family, cultural, area customs, one sees a lot of variety. My friend is dreading her son’s coming wedding, next year–details not yet set, because it means an onslaught of a lot of family and friends from out of town and she’s not yet recovered from the one from her DD’s wedding. The costs of these things can really add up. Weddings themselves can be very expensive, but a lot of times you have your mind and finger on those costs, but not paying attention to that, get together barbecue or brunch you are hosting and those can be pricey when a lot of people are there and you want to put on a good spread. Treating a crowd to a restaraunt meel around her is very expensive, even at low key places. Some tabs we’ve run up with just 4-8 or us and no alchohol have been impressive. Crazy to be stinting on the flowers and other wedding details so meticulously and then letting financial caution fly with the winds on the extras when that wedding is the main event. My friend did that. She cut things that hurt and that she and DD so wanted to keep costs in reign, and then entertaining the family and out of towners just blew the budget apart. She’s still paying off some of that.</p>
<p>We have hosted two of these for our older sons’ weddings. In both cases we left the decision about who was invited up to the bride and groom involved…we just told them we wanted to provide an atmosphere where the bridal parties and the two families that would be joined together could relax and have fun.</p>
<p>For DS #1 we hosted a sit-down family-style dinner at a local Country Club clubhouse. For DS #2 (this wedding was out of town and EVERYONE that was invited from “our” side was out of town, as well as many of the bride’s friends), we hosted a buffet-style cookout around the pool at the hotel where most of the guests stayed. The cool thing was that there was a restaurant at that same hotel with a patio adjoining the pool area where our party was, and this restaurant had a live band playing jazz that night. So we also had a live band!! 
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<p>Now we are planning our daughter’s wedding, and the groom is from out of town, so again most of the guests will be from out of town. We are leaving the details of the rehearsal dinner up to the groom’s family, but have offered to assist in any way.</p>
<p>Next time I have to do wedding planning and hosting, I am going to be asking WWTD (what would they do?: countingdown, garland, alwaysamom, ellebud) :)</p>
<p>After considering the rehearsal dinner, or night before dinner, which includes all the out of towners… I just wonder if there is a point where you feel you need to include everyone on the wedding guest list? Does it seem rude to exclude some guests when more than 50% are being invited? Or when one whole side of the guest list is included and one side pretty much excluded? Has anyone run into this scenario?</p>
<p>I really liked ellebud’s explanation that once the out of town guests arrive, they shouldn’t have to open their wallets. That makes sense to me. They become my guests when they arrive and I take care of them. But what about my friends in town who may think I’m dissing them?</p>
<p>My in-laws have no daughters so they really went fancy with the rehearsal dinner. It could have been a wedding dinner in itself. They had many out of town relatives who were all invited. The food was fabulous but I would have been fine with a pizza place or Chinese buffet.
I’m going to a wedding this weekend and the bride mentioned that they are hoping their rehearsal dinner guests kick in to cover the bill. It’s at a place with alcohol and she’s nervous about the cost now. Groom’s family is not hosting or contributing. I have a feeling that’s not going to end well.</p>
<p>Having just hosted one step-daughter’s wedding and having another step-daughter getting married next year, one thing I have learned is that customs and expectations vary considerably and one needs to be flexible. </p>
<p>H and I grew up in different Jewish communities but the social customs and norms seem to be pretty much the same. In our experience, all out of town guests are invited to the Rehearsal Dinner and it was our expectation that would be the case at step-daughter’s wedding. Turns out, the groom’s family’s expectations were different. Only wedding party and close out of town relatives were invited. H and I were concerned our out of town guests (less-close relatives and our friends) would be insulted so we ended up hosting a dinner for them while we were at the Rehearsal Dinner. Worked out fine.</p>
<p>For next year’s wedding, the circumstances are completely different. The groom doesn’t have family to speak of so we’re hosting the Rehearsal Dinner as well as the wedding and the Sunday Brunch. More expensive? YES! BUT we get to make all the decisions which, after the first wedding where we made NO decisions (bride and her mom did that), it’s a great pleasure (in the second wedding’s case, the bride is far less opinionated and her mom, sadly, is deceased.)</p>
<p>alh I follow ellebud’s rule of thumb that out of town guests are just that, our guests, and should be entertained for the weekend of the wedding. However, in-town guests do not need to be entertained (they’re home, they have their own things to do . . .) and I’d be surprised any of them would feel dissed not being invited to the Rehearsal Dinner.</p>
<p>That’s exactly how I feel. I’m not sure why it would be confusing or why in-town guests (not part of the wedding party/family) would feel overlooked. What ellebud and inthebiz describe is what I’m familiar with. You offer hospitality to out of town guests.</p>
<p>Where I’m from the rehearsal dinner is immediate family and bridal party. If I host all the out of towners and not my in town friends, I don’t know if they will understand what is happening, because that is not our custom. Unless I explain to them, which would be uncomfortable for me. I kind of like the solution of a different dinner for everyone not invited to the rehearsal dinner, but am concerned you get an A-list dinner and a B-list dinner. :eek: If the rehearsal dinner is the guest list we are used to, probably there is no problem… at least for my guest list. (The bride’s guest list may be confused at that point) A relative could host the larger dinner. I think someone used that solution upthread.</p>
<p>I will always be a MOG. So I am thinking about rehearsal dinners.</p>
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That is one cheap bride, and an insulting request, if she goes through with it. Please let us know what happens!</p>
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<p>I’m not following. Why wouldn’t they understand that you were hosting a gathering for the out-of-town guests?</p>
<p>In town guests are going about their business the night before the wedding. They don’t give a thought to the rehearsal dinner.</p>
<p>It is the custom where I grew up, and where I now live (I think! though I’m gong to be asking around now;)) that the rehearsal dinner is usually only the wedding party and immediate family. If one of my sons gets married here and I invite to the rehearsal dinner all the out of town guests, because that is the custom of the bride’s family, at least some of my close friends, who are inevitably going to be helping me with planning, are going to be aware the rehearsal dinner guest list has expanded beyond what they might expect. I can explain that this is the custom of the bride’s family. However, if these close friends have been helping me out with planning and they are aware of the expanded guest list, it will feel ill-mannered to me not to include them in the rehearsal dinner - since it has already expanded beyond our “custom”. At that point it is more than likely other friends will hear that the rehearsal dinner is kind of a bigger deal than they might have anticipated and wonder why they weren’t invited? Wait - What? They aren’t as good a friend as Susie? Just cause they aren’t helping out with the wedding doesn’t mean they aren’t really good friends.</p>
<p>After reading and pondering this thread, if I plan a rehearsal dinner in my own location, I will invite everyone who is invited to the wedding. That way, I can’t go wrong. If anyone is bring children or infants, I am inviting them also, even if they aren’t invited to the wedding proper, which wouldn’t be my call but the bride’s. I’m including the children because in my experience it is easier on some parents than providing babysitting. Maybe I will provide babysitting for those parents who want to take advantage of that option. Since it is going to be a large and age diverse group, it will have to be a pretty family friendly venue. There will be highchairs. At that point I am about as far removed from what a rehearsal dinner means in the tradition in which I grew up as is possible. That’s okay. All this makes sense to me when I stop and think it through. Thank you juniebug for the thread! This is very helpful to me. I don’t know what I would do in your situation - planning the rehearsal dinner out of town - where it becomes much more expensive and logistically complicated. If I am doing it at home, I can just pull up countingdown’s thread and follow it step by step. :)</p>
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<p>Sounds like they should be having a modest rehearsal dinner on the wedding party and close family model at a place they can afford. And if they are worried about alcohol, they can just buy some carafes of house red and white for the tables and ask that the waitstaff NOT actively request drink orders.</p>
<p>I feel sorry for a bride who feels pressured to offer an event she can’t afford, if that is what is happening. If it just someone who wants all the bells and whistles, that’s another matter.</p>
<p>Alh, I suspect there are those who would think we didn’t follow the rules, customs, etc.! We definitely fall on the side of casual and informal vs. high end and paying attention to tradition. </p>
<p>I do have lists of things to do, photos of steps to make DIY stuff, and detailed organization/planning instructions, though, so if anyone is ever in that boat, let me know.</p>
<p>Ooooh – hoping the guests will kick in to pay for the rehearsal dinner is not a good way to start. Is there any way she can change the menu to something more reasonable, assuming she can’t change venues at this late date? Our BBQ place didn’t ask for confirmation for numbers, menu and time toil two days prior. (It was the easiest part of the entire wedding. We didn’t decorate, no favors, just food, laughter and blues music.)</p>
<p>S1 & DIL hosted and paid for the rehearsal dinner (and pretty much everything else for the wedding). We had 36 at the rehearsal dinner out of a total wedding of 100. If we knew someone had arrived from OOT, we invited them. The BBQ place does not serve alcohol for catered events, so that was was one worry gone, though there was a bar in the restaurant if folks really wanted something. Our gift was the catering for the reception and tons of sweat equity. Bride’s parents did not fund anything.</p>
<p>The cobbler was yummy. Berries picked Fri. am at a local farm, baked on that evening. A bunch of L’s solo male friends came to the house after the rehearsal dinner and inhaled it. :)</p>
<p>I am so thankful that S and DIL were laid back and happy to let me do this stuff for them. They had very few specific requests, so when they actually asked for something, I bent over backwards to make it happen. MOGs don’t often get to be this involved, so it was tremendously sweet for me to have the opportunity, and I was doubly thankful to even be here at all for it. </p>
<p>CTTC, I don’t know who else was at the rehearsal dinner. This was the same wedding where I was disinvited as a bridesmaid (a groomsman dropped and so the numbers no longer matched). Turns out to have been for the best – I didn’t have to help sponsor the other bridezilla stuff, wear a dress that was absolutely not suited for my body type, and I was feeling pretty crummy by the time the wedding took place – I found out I had leukemia two weeks after the wedding. Now I look at it with wry amusement and gratitude that I dodged that bullet. :)</p>
<p>I like TooRealistic’s suggestion of basically a hospitality room open house at the hotel. DS’s wedding is going to be informal in every way, and I think this option would be consistent with their tastes. I am going to ask DS to scope out hotels in the area, either oceanfront or near his dad’s house, when he visits at Christmas. Then I will have some venues to consider.</p>
<p>Btw, I should start a whole new thread to complain to my CC friends that my ex gets to host this wedding just because he lives near a beach I’m smiling and nodding.</p>
<p>Also, I’m not Jewish, but I do feel a need to feed everyone. And often.</p>
<p>The hospitality room open house sounds like the perfect solution. I am putting it in my wedding list planning file. :)</p>
<p>My son was just married last weekend! DS, and DIL only had 2 official attendants (the two sisters) so we included several of their close friends in the rehearsal dinner, some of whom also had small parts in the wedding ceremony. The largest contingent of guests came from the bride’s out-of town family (east coast), so we renamed the dinner “Family Dinner” and included all family members, near or far. We also included the few out-of-town non-family guests- which only added a few to the count. We had 68 people, including their children. It was really fun and gave us all a chance to get to know each other before the wedding. For the actual ceremony and reception there were 215 invitees and 185 attended, so even though 68 seems like a big number, it really did only include the family and closest friends.<br>
I agree that you should do whatever works with your customs, budget, and individual situation. In our case, people were staying in hotels all over the Los Angeles area, so a hospitality room wouldn’t have worked out very well, and besides, our actual wedding party was teeny-tiny. We really wanted to have a chance to get to know the bride’s extended family, and this was our golden opportunity.</p>
<p>I did not invite my close, local friends who were wedding guests to the event, nor would they have expected to be included. It was obvious that everyone there was either family, from very far away, or a close friend of the bride or groom. MOG’s friends don’t really fit in this scenario, so I don’t think anyone was offended at all.</p>