<p>Maybe part of the disconnect is that alh is anticipating that her in-town friends would help her with the event, and hence be aware of who was on the guest list. That’s different from my experience. If I were hosting a bar mitzvah / wedding / rehearsal dinner / bridal shower / whatever, I wouldn’t anticipate my friends having any role in any planning. If we’re all having a casual BBQ at someone’s house, we might all say, “Oh, what can I bring?” or when we were at the age where we hosted bridal and baby showers, we might have worked together on planning – but if I were to have to host a wedding or rehearsal dinner tomorrow, my friends simply wouldn’t be part of the planning. Neither wrong nor right compared to alh’s way – but that may explain part of the distinction.</p>
<p>Yes, I can see where that might complicate things. I “used” my family for help. SIL, from east coast, came over and helped me put floral arrangements together beforehand, and Dd helped my set them up the day of. I was able to handle the rest very easily by phone and in person. The nice thing about a restaurant is that they have staff- not a lot of help is necessary. :)</p>
<p>Thank you. And yes, I do feel like a trailblazer. But part of my trailblazing are two couples we know with older children who got married.</p>
<p>We attended a wedding that was a destination wedding (driving distance) where all 58 of “our” guests were all from out of town. Our friends (wonderful generous people) chose a menu based on 80 people. They ordered dinner for 90. MOB invited over 100 extra people…It was a disaster. Food ran out before we got to the tables. The room, 100 people MAX suddenly had over 200 dinner guests. Funny thing was Mr. Ellebud was truly concerned about how many people were in the room. In an emergency…he wasn’t happy. Their side complained that our friends “the rich people from Los Angeles” were cheap…when we got back to the hotel we ordered pizza and salad. Our friends were mortified.</p>
<p>At this point I believe (depending on numbers) we will either book a local beautiful Chinese restaurant ). Since the Orthodox people won’t be joining us (three stars in the heavens…who knew?)…and an extensive list of vegetarian main courses and some chicken and beef dishes…I think it would be lovely. Or…I can buy pizzas of all varieties, salads and fruit and eat here. One thing for sure: the dessert bar. Donuts, Diddy Reese cookies, pecan pie (my son’s total favorite), fruit (for those of us who need to fit into dresses the next day)…and any other treat I can think of…</p>
<p>I have a group of friends I see weekly. We are all up in each others business. They are definitely going to ask what’s up with that rehearsal dinner I’m planning. They are going to be giving me lots of advice and suggestions. I am going to thank them for all their ideas and they will feel invested in the whole event, even if I don’t actually need their “help.” Also, they may overhear other guests at the wedding or reception talking about what a fabulous time they had at my rehearsal dinner. Usually they are invited to all my parties, especially when my kids are home. When they come to those parties, they bring my kids’ favorite desserts, which they have baked themselves, because I do not bake. </p>
<p>I don’t want to take a chance they feel left out</p>
<p>When I hosted a rehearsal dinner previously, I did like moonchild, made it a “family dinner” and invited every family member on both sides. It was an easy cut-off. All the guests were from out of town. I think probably I could have done better based on reading this thread.</p>
<p>Alh: you are doing what the most elegant of hosts for any occasion: You “know” the rules but want to include more people who mean so much to you. And that is perfection.</p>
<p>It’s nice of you to care that other people don’t feel left out!</p>
<p>By the same token, however, people do sometimes have to understand that there are occasions where they don’t all get included. If you were throwing a family reunion at your home, I would hope they’d understand and not feel left out for not being on the guest list. If you were hosting a BBQ for your spouse’s office mates, I would hope they’d understand and not feel left out for not being on the guest list. If you threw a “traditional” rehearsal dinner for just wedding-party members, they’d surely not feel left out for not being on the guest list. If I’m wrong, please correct me!</p>
<p>I’ve never been insulted when any of my local friend’s are hosting a wedding and we’ve not been included in a rehersal dinner as it is pretty much understood that a rehersal dinner implies the bridal party, immediate family and out of town guests. I have been invited on occasion for Sunday morning brunch… but usually have declined as sometimes it can involve driving close to an hour to the hotel where it is being hosted… such as Nassau County pretty far out in Suffolk or Nassau County into midtown manhattan.I don’t think any family or friends are insulted if you decline to attend. That would be different than being a guest at an out of town wedding and just wanting to sleep in or have breakfast on your own unless of course you have to leave for a flight or a very long drive home.</p>
<p>alh - if your friends want to be involved, maybe they could do something like throw a bridal shower for the bride in your home town, or a luncheon for the women in the wedding party / relatives - that type of thing. Lots of options when your heart is in the right place!</p>
<p>PG: A so-called “traditional” rehearsal dinner including only wedding party and immediate family will make absolute sense to my friends. That is our norm. A rehearsal dinner expanded to include all family would make sense to them, too. When it gets expanded beyond that point is where it becomes murky. Will they get it if I explain this hosting all the out-of-towners concept - absolutely! Then they will probably incorporate the idea when they have to plan such an event. It makes a whole lot of sense, even though it is not our custom. However, since it is out of the norm for us - I will have to explain why they wouldn’t be included. I have never yet been in a position of having to explain to someone why I haven’t invited them to something. Just lucky, I guess. If I find myself in that position, I’m just going to go ahead and invite them instead of explaining why not.</p>
<p>Do you have a problem with the MOG expanding the rehearsal dinner to include everyone invited to the wedding? Would that be bad form in your social circle?</p>
<p>For me, these various wedding threads have been really educational. What seems as clear as the nose on one’s face to one group is completely outside the experience of another group. It is giving me a real sense of how easy it is for MOB and MOG to get off on the wrong foot with each other.</p>
<p>I wonder if expanding it to everyone takes away the opportunity for intimacy of the gathering. I mean in a wedding, the B&G barely have any time to visit etc…a huge RD would be the same, no?</p>
<p>It’s not really for me to have a “problem” with how you do things! But no, I don’t really see anything wrong with the MOG expanding the rehearsal dinner to include everyone invited to the wedding if so inclined. You know, sometimes friends are as important, if not more important, than family.</p>
<p>Good heavens. Either a major lack of communication, or the MOB is an idiot. How embarrassing for your friends.</p>
<p>I’m beginning to think that the parents ought to have a conversation early on where they compare notes about the customs in their area/social circle.</p>
<p>They might not agree or want to comply, but at least they will know where everyone is coming from.</p>
<p>We are Jewish and from the northeast and our extended family norm is to have a dinner for all the out-of-town guests the night before the wedding. For my son’s wedding next summer, where the vast majority of guests will be coming from long distances, it really won’t be called a “rehearsal” dinner, because any rehearsal is going to take place right before the actual wedding. We did this for our sons’ B’nai Mitzvot, too. Dinner the night before and brunch the morning after. This is what everyone in our extended family does. We feed our out-of-town guests! Tra-di-tion! :D</p>
<p>It depends. What is the purpose of the dinner, in the mind of the bride and groom, and the hosting family? In our case where we wanted a chance to get to know the bride’s family as well as honor close friends of the couple (who probably would have been attendants had the B & G had attendants other than sisters), inviting everyone wouldn’t have served that purpose very well.
One thing I would always be careful of in hosting a rehearsal dinner, or any pre-wedding dinner, is not to “out do” the actual reception that the brides’s family is hosting. Inviting everyone invited to the wedding might make the reception seem less of a big deal. You don’t want to outshine the main event. That would be “bad form.”</p>
<p>Consolation: I’ll go with choice 2. That, and MOB and B had MAJOR issues with our friends.</p>
<p>We had that conversation. This is a mixed marriage: they are conservadox and we are secular Jews. We wanted smaller…they wanted bigger. They wanted kosher…we were happy to go with fish and vegetarian…The Orthodox option was immediately vetoed. Mr. Ellebud isn’t Jewish and couldn’t participate…that was NEVER going to happen. We live 3 miles apart. Mr. Ellebud lived for 2 years (as a baby) 3 blocks away from MOB. So…frankly this should have been a cakewalk. It isn’t.</p>
<p>But now that the venue has been booked AND a basic menu plan is in action…the rest of the decisions are on them. We will be going gown shopping…together. Invitations, photographer, centerpieces…chuppah style (it is going to very VERY unusual)…they will have the final say. As long as my son if happy…we are thrilled.</p>
<p>Same here! We actually played Fiddler on the Roof during the drive from our home to the temple that morning and sang at the top of our lungs! Just another way our kids think we’re crazy.</p>
<p>In my friend and family circle (Jewish, northeast) rehearsals were done just before the ceremony and rehearsal dinners weren’t a big trend for several more years. In fact, wedding parties themselves were something that were just starting to become more popular within that demographic in the decade or fifteen years (maybe less) before I was married. My mother’s friends and family never had anything more than a best man and maid or matron of honor, even at the most formal of weddings. Did anyone else find that to be true?</p>
<p>For our own bar mitzvahs we had a dinner for all of the out of towners before the Friday night service, a hospitality suite in the hotel after the reception, and a brunch for out of towners on Sunday morning. More recently, most but not all, out of town weddings I’ve attended have featured a dinner for all the out of towners. These are nice gestures, but are definitely not mandatory. </p>
<p>Traditionally, it is the family of the groom who would host the rehearsal dinner, but with many families splitting the cost of the wedding itself, it is not so very unusual for the rehearsal dinner to be a somewhat smaller affair. When it’s not, it might be hosted by anyone or everyone involved. Sometimes the rehearsal dinner is formal and fancy, sometimes it’s a backyard BBQ. Either way, we enjoy the chance to spend extra time with the hosts, explore an area on our own, or look up friends or family in another city. </p>
<p>Consolation, I agree with you about the varying expectations and traditions of couples and families. Sometimes I think it’s gotten complicated enough that there ought to be some kind of a questionnaire!</p>
<p>I’ve read so much conflicting information here, that now I’m really curious to see how this will all play out next summer when we attend a wedding over 600 miles from home. We will not know anyone there, other than the bride and her parents, and my daughter, who is a bridesmaid. Honestly, because we won’t know anyone, I kind of hope we don’t get asked to the rehearsal dinner and are left to fend for ourselves. And I absolutely do not expect anyone to be paying for our hotel room or travel expenses; I’m pretty sure no one is paying for D’s either, even though she’s in the wedding as she’s already made reference to how much this wedding is going to cost her. FWIW, this is the northeast and a Protestant family.</p>
<p>My rehearsal was about 15 minutes before the ceremony and it was barely a rehearsal. The wedding planner just told us what we were supposed to do while we were in the anteroom. I assume the groom and ushers, MOG & FOG got their instructions wherever they were hanging out before the ceremony. </p>
<p>I had a Matron of Honor and a Maid of Honor, no bridesmaids. My H’s had a Best Man. His 2 brothers, my bil and two of his friends were ushers, but all they did was seat people. They didn’t walk my Maids down the aisle. I had my 4 young nieces as flower girls.</p>
We did this for our sons’ B’nai Mitzvot, too. Dinner the night before and brunch the morning after. This is what everyone in our extended family does. We feed our out-of-town guests! Tra-di-tion! :D</p>
That would be “bad form.”</p>