<p>We have a Thursday rehearsal for a Saturday wedding-- the venue assigns us a day and time and there is nothing we can do about it. I have been debating what to do, as it won’t be practical to invite out of town guests to the rehearsal dinner as they will not be in town yet… but we have to have a rehearsal dinner Thursday because half the wedding party is driving three hours at dinner time for the rehearsal. My parents are paying for the whole wedding and are already upset that they have to pay for the rehearsal dinner and weren’t aware there was any expectation of feeding out of town guests at all and want nothing to do with it, they don’t want to have any rehearsal dinners or anything at all. I am considering having distant wedding party and groom’s out of town immediate family over for dinner the night before the wedding as a casual, more affordable way to feed them… but I am going to be working my normal hours up until the wedding day and I in no way have the time or money to be throwing a dinner party the night before my wedding. It sounds like a recipe for a nervous breakdown, even having a party on Thursday-- I have to be up at 4am the next day and wont even be home until after 6.</p>
<p>It will be interesting to see what we come up with.</p>
<p>Ema–are you the bride? You don’t have to do anything and I can’t imagine people expect you to be a hostess. Are the groom’s parents unwilling to host anything?</p>
<p>I think there’s a difference between “what I would do” and “what I expect others to do.” I would likely host a rehearsal dinner for all out of towners, but if someone didn’t do that for me I’d likely shrug and go on with my day.</p>
<p>I am the bride. The groom’s family aren’t in a position to host anything, and they are the ones that do live three hours away so they would mainly be hosting themselves. His immediate family are most and might be all of the out of town guests, depending on how rsvps turn out. </p>
<p>I feel bad because my fiance’s sister just got married last year and she had a party for the out of town guests the night before and I feel like they will expect that, and she did it herself. I imagine our cash flow situation that close to the wedding is not going to be fantastic either, but I don’t want my in laws to think I am rude, especially after what a gracious bride his sister was.</p>
<p>You know, when people are poor as church mice, I think these “expectations” fly out the window. Expecting an established upper middle class family to host out of towners is one thing; expecting it of families without a lot of resources is another.</p>
<p>One thing: I feel very strongly that parties can/should be fun…and not necessarily expensive. One of my salespeople’s daughter was married recently. It was, it seems, on the reality show 4 Weddings. There wasn’t a lot of extra money. The rehearsal dinner was pizza/salad/soda. And it was, by all accounts a great party.</p>
<p>Oh, and the couple won the 4 Weddings episode. It was a fabulous honeymoon.</p>
<p>I don’t think there can be any expectations in the first place, especially if the couple are living independently and self supporting. Then they are the ones who are ultimately responsible for throwing a wedding that they can afford. Anything else is up to the families according to what they can afford and want to offer, if anything.</p>
<p>I am Southern Jewish and my experiences, in my own region among other Jews, is that out of towners are fed constantly. However, everyone hosts events for each other. When I married, I bet at least two dozen of my parents’ friends hosted an event, either the Friday night dinner, the Saturday lunch or the Sunday brunch. My in laws did the rehearsal dinner. (the wedding was Sunday night). Someone would have done the hospitality bags and room as well.</p>
<p>My mother reciprocated, or course, hosting events through the years for all her friends as their children wed. At a certain point, her group figured out that they were adding to the cost by all attending each event, so they divided up roles and only a handful would generally attend. My mother was so happy when they figured this out.</p>
<p>I have a friend from Alabama and I bet three dozen couples were involved in her wedding. </p>
<p>My group of friends host events for each other B’nai Mitzvahs. Mostly we do Friday night dinners, but occasionally brunches and hospitality stuff. It is lovely.</p>
<p>I have always thought that the thought behind hospitality bags was sweet, but I always felt bad that people wasted their money on chips and candy I wasn’t going to eat, and just left behind someplace. If I were hosting an event, I’m not sure I’d provide them tbh.</p>
<p>No chips, no candy–we had bottled water, maps of the area, a local guidebook that’s given out free, and a great booklet that my daughters and I put together with lots of recommendations of places to go, things to see–even a top 10 list. Also included additional wedding formation, i.e., transportation arrangements for getting guests from the reception to the church, our cell phone numbers if people had issues, etc. </p>
<p>We had white gift bags that we got from The Christmas Tree Store (discount place)–a friend of mine is a graphic artist and she created a design for the wedding invitation, which we used for the label. We printed the labels and pasted them on the bags and tied them with some ribbon. A group of my friends (who decided to take a few extra days for a getaway before the wedding) helped me put the bags together and then distributed them to the various places where the guests were staying. My husband’s secretary called people who had RSVP’d to find out where they were staying because there was a possibility of a hurricane and we wanted to let people know about any changes in plans if that happened. (Thank goodness it didn’t.) </p>
<p>We got lots of positive comments on the booklet–people really enjoyed reading the information. Didn’t spent much money and gave folks ideas about what they could do in the resort area where we had the wedding. Given that many hadn’t been there before, we thought it would be helpful.</p>
<p>Family wedding years ago was held at a ranch quite a bit outside of Dallas. Guests paid for their lodging…but ALL (and I mean all) meals were provided beginning Friday night and ending Sunday brunch. There were activities, horseback riding, all sorts of things. We actually arrived too late for the barbecue on Friday, and they had a dinner waiting for us when we checked in. The wedding family said it was less expensive to just book the ranch for the whole weekend than to have a dinner at one of the fancy hotels in downtown Dallas.</p>
<p>emaheevu, you should have the party you can afford. When I got married, dh’s family wasn’t local, but they asked us to make reservations at our favorite restaurant. We did the arrangements, but they paid. I think the rehearsal dinner was just immediate family and those in the wedding, not other out of town guests, but it was a long time ago! My cousin whose groom was working class had pizza and that was fine too, actually it was better than fine, because he had the band he was in playing as well. But if what you can afford is tea and cookies that’s fine too. Or if your heart is set on fancy food, keep the guest list smaller. Try not to let what other people in the family were able to do influence you or make you feel guilty.</p>
<p>Our goodie bags tend to be local in nature, ie Coca-Cola products, Moon Pie, etc as well as including information about the city and the weekend. (A booklet and brochure.)</p>
<p>If there are kids coming, might include an age appropriate toy. </p>
<p>The “bags” I don’t think are great are the ones packaged really cute in say, a beach bucket, which you really don’t have a way to take home.</p>
<p>It seems to me though, that the idea around friends of the Bride’s (or Grooms) parents hosting events the weekend of the wedding may be uniquely Southern. (Maybe even Southern Jewish?)</p>
<p>For our daughter’s wedding this coming March, a couple of friends (one is my oldest son’s MIL and the other is the mom of the Maid of Honor in D’s wedding) will host a Bridesmaids’ Brunch on the morning of the wedding. This IS, I think, a southern “thing”. It will be for all the Bridesmaids and the female relatives of both the bride and the groom.</p>
<p>I have no idea what the bride and attendants did for food the day of the wedding. Hit the free breakfast bar at the hotel where they were staying? </p>
<p>This is a drawback of DIY – not much time to sit back and enjoy. We were running around cooking and hauling trays to the venue and coordinating the wonderful folks who volunteered to help set up. That was fun in its own way, but there are other things that get lost when one is scurrying about trying to make things run smoothly.</p>
<p>My stepdaughter had a bridesmaid’s luncheon (this was in the midwest) on a Thursday before a Saturday wedding. Her rehearsal dinner included the wedding party and out-of-town guests (which was basically the bride’s family). </p>
<p>I think there are so many variations and permutations of wedding events that it’s impossible to categorize what’s typical since it varies so much by region, ethnicity, income, etc.ner. Not many brunches or large rehearsal dinners.</p>
<p>^^^Adding to the above–meant to say that brunches and large rehearsal dinners didn’t happen as often back when I got married 32 years ago (at least it wasn’t part of my experience and I come from a midwestern, immigrant/working class family). Usually, the wedding ceremony followed by a reception was the main focus.</p>
<p>We are talking about pizza at our house with groom’s immediate family the night before the wedding, and a home cooked brunch at our house the day after. It sounds doable and fun, but I am going to be suicidal by the time we leave for our honeymoon after entertaining for four days straight with no time to clean up or sleep or breathe.</p>
<p>It’s tricky because if we were paying for this whole wedding ourselves, it would be a very different wedding and most of these things would be non-issues. My parents desperately want to throw this wedding, and have the idea that they will pay all reasonable expenses and NOBODY should pay for unreasonable expenses come hell or high water-- and we do not agree about what is reasonable. If my mom does not want to pay for something it turns into a huge fight because she doesn’t want to let me do it either, but some things just are not optional. Like dinner after the rehearsal fiance’s family is traveling 3 hours at dinnertime for. :(</p>