<p>From the different threads here, I see different views emerging on who should be steering the BS application process. Is it (or who should it be) the student or the parents? What is your opinion on this?</p>
<p>I think questions like that tend to open a can of worms. </p>
<p>But, what the heck…in my opinion, kids and parents steer together. If the kid doesn’t want boarding school, I don’t see foisting it upon him or her. On the other hand, if they want to do everything, from making plane reservations to sending in their application, good for them. But I don’t see anything wrong with parents supporting the application process. We helped our kid a lot, from surfing the web for schools together, to mailing off the application for him–and he’s doing just fine.</p>
<p>So, as always, my opinion is that, beyond being absolutely certain that bs–and the particular schools applied to–are something the child, not the parent wants, I say fly the way you fly as a family and give you kid what he/she needs. Well, okay, don’t write their essays for them… :)</p>
<p>In fact, the only strong opinion I have is that I really don’t like posts that prescribe the One Right Way…</p>
<p>Oh, for goodness sake - isn’t the answer obvious???</p>
<p>The parent - who signed Junior up for riding lessons and dance classes and tiny toddler French classes! - should definitely be the one to lead the way when it comes to boarding school. You should pick the schools, initiate all contact, dominate the interviews and coach your students on both essays and SSAT prep (well, you’re allowed to hire someone to do the SSAT prep). You should remind everyone within earshot that you, your grandparents, and your grandparents’ grandparents all went to this school and when Junior gets in she will be following in the footsteps of all her older siblings. And once Junior is accepted, you should make a point of speaking no less often than once a week to each of her advisors, dorm counselors and teachers, so that you can be aware of, and correct for, any bumps along the road. And when Junior graduates and gets into the college of your dreams, discovers independence for the very first time, and implodes marvelously, dramatically, and disastrously, you should run back here to CC, tears flowing, and ask how, oh, how this ever happened!</p>
<p>[No animals were harmed in the drafting of this post and any apparent reference to actual CC forum participants, past or present, is purely coincidental.]</p>
<p>dodgersmom, LOL :-)</p>
<p>DS actually has friends who are 3rd generation legacies. I don’t envy these kids the pressure they must have.</p>
<p>Even though we were not too happy with our local PS, we would have loved to keep our kids home and would have supplemented the best we could to make it work for them. However, first child wanted more challenge and asked us to help her find an option. Letting her find the right school was not easy for us as she picked a bilingual IB school in another country. Had I been in the driver seat, I would have parked her at a local private school. Needless to say, she needed a lot of support from us to make that happen but the desire to do so was driven by her.
Second child did go to local private school for several reasons. Public school cut his sports, cut advanced classes and crowed 30+ kids in class rooms. Unfortunately he hated his new school and asked to follow the path of his sister. The process can be overwhelming for anyone especially a 13 year old. We sat down with both children before the process started and mapped out the schools to visit, test dates and time frames. Did I set up the interviews? yes. Did I make sure child stayed on projected time frame? yes. Did child research schools? Yes. Did child study hours upon hours to pass exams? yes. Did child hand in recs and complete applications? yes. Overall, both children did most of the work. We were there to support them.
Watching both kids navigate their way through the process reassured me that they were mature enough to handle BS.</p>
<p>Muf123 reflects my experience, except…My kid asked for recommendations, but I must admit, controlling parent that I am, I gave them to the adults at parent-teacher conferences once they had said yes to him because I simply didn’t trust my absent-minded 13 year old boy not to fold them up and smush them into his back pocket on his way to delivery. </p>
<p>I think parents should also be involved in researching schools, not to control where the child goes, but to keep his her options as open as possible. In fact, I remember looking at Exeter’s website just on a lark (it didn’t meet any of the initial basic criteria for that had influenced son’s initial choices), reading a couple of pages, and then handing my laptop over to him and saying something like, “What do you think of this school? This just sounds like you…” And the rest is history…</p>
<p>I do agree with Muf that if they can’t navigate their way through the process with some degree of independence, they’re probably not ready for bs. On the other hand, bs’s have advisors and college counsellors and study hours/halls and consequences for missed classes and dorm curfews and internet shut-off for a reason. No one expects the kids to fly completely on their own, without any support. I think all the helicopter parenting stories in the media might be making some of us a tad bit too worried about being “controlling” when, in fact, we’re being good parents.</p>
<p>Why would any parent control a process to an extent that would set a child up for unhappiness or failure? I’m sure it happens, but I’m guessing not as often as the media might have us think?</p>
<p>I suspect that it’s different for every family. For ours, it was a joint process. The fundamental desire to go to boarding school was entirely his, as was most of the research to identify which schools to visit (Exeter, Groton, Choate, St. Marks, St. George’s and Thacher), and to obtain/complete their applications. Our role was to offer suggestions, proof essays if requested, make travel arrangements, and do our best to represent him well during the interviews. The final choice of which school to attend was also his.</p>
<p>I noted our family’s perspective in my longwinded “one family’s start-to-finish experience” recap, but I’ll elaborate.</p>
<p>I definitely started the process in motion and helped facilitate it at various points from an administrative POV (scheduling visits, etc.). But SevenDaughter was interested in the process, and more importantly, the possible end result…to go to a high school that represented a better fit for her needs and sensibilities. So I’ll say we both drove the process.</p>
<p>And despite my involvement, her teachers and advisor report that she has made the transition to BS relatively well despite a challenging schedule. I confess that there were some comments regarding a need to work on “organization” but nothing that seemed out of the ordinary for a new Third Former. As noted by some already, many schools have instituted support measures for their 13 and 14 year olds that aren’t necessarily needed for older, more mature kids.</p>
<p>I think every family and every kid will have a unique situation. It’s not really up to any of us to judge what’s right for another. I could write an equally amusing narrative to represent the opposite experience that dodgersmom painted so well.</p>
<p>I think the point is as long as you are not dragging the child into something they’re not willing to be in, who’s doing what is not that important. Some kids are more mature and can and want to take more control and others are more “modest” and trust their parents are more experienced in navigating through the rather complicated process. Even with the most “controling” parents, the child has to at least do some research about the schools so they can be successful in interviews, visit the schools, and write essays. A word of caution here: In MOST cases, you want to make sure the child is 100% IN before sending him/her off to a BS. That is the bottom line.</p>
<p>I think family interactions are too complex to simplify by “primary driver.” If either the parents or the student don’t want to consider boarding schools, it won’t happen. </p>
<p>The school from which the student applies to BS makes an enormous difference. In some schools, applicants and their families must keep everything a secret, for fear of others’ reactions. (i.e., why are you sending your child away? Is he a problem child?) In others, it’s known and expected that a certain percentage of students will go to boarding schools. (i.e., boarding or day?)</p>
<p>@ Periwinkle, I started this thread, because on this website I could see big differences in perspective on who should be driving things and observed some parents criticising others for the difference in philosophy. </p>
<p>At one end, some parents think the kids should take the initiative for procuring an SSAT study guide, searching for schools, phoning the schools, making appointments, writing the essays without adult editorial input.</p>
<p>At the other end, some parents are micro-managing all the aforementioned and are proactively strategising to get their kids admitted.</p>
<p>I hoped that many viewpoints would be aired so that families could be reassured that they were not alone in their approach.</p>
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<p>Oh Dodgersmom, I love you so. :)</p>
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<p>I think you’ve astutely noticed a difference in approach. Some schools (and the families who love them) would describe the ideal applicant as a 13 year old who discovered Big Name School (BNS) entirely on her own. Parents have never heard of BNS. (They’ve done CTY, but never heard of BNS. Hmmm.) Child takes care of all details, including renting cars, booking flights, and filling out financial aid forms. Parent reluctantly allows child to leave home. Happy end. </p>
<p>I’m sure all 3 of them are very happy at BNS. :)</p>
<p>On the other hand, I haven’t noticed any emancipated minors at boarding schools. In doing the rounds with our eldest, every single school asked whether we, the parents, supported the idea of boarding school. Parents must complete a parent statement for the application. Talents for sports, music, and advanced academics require parental support. Even at the wealthiest schools, half the students pay full tuition.</p>
<p>I agree with Classicalmama about the can of worms. It leads to hard feelings all around, and no one changes their convictions about Proper Parenting.</p>
<p>Further, there are many children who attend boarding school because it’s the best answer in their particular family circumstances. Parents are posted abroad, in dangerous countries. The parent with full custody is on spouse #3, and no one has time for the child from a previous marriage. Grandparents are suddenly called to parent their grandchildren, but know they’re too old to keep up with the rigors of high school parenting. There’s a vicious divorce in the works, and the judge wants to protect the child from both parents. (I could go on…) </p>
<p>We know one family whose child attends a school for children with severe special needs. It’s the best option for him. No one can pretend that he drove the process. It’s the best option available to him. </p>
<p>Predicting a bad outcome for the children of people who don’t follow one’s own parenting style is unkind, and should not be encouraged.</p>
<p>I originally made the point about “driver” because too many parents are fully up front and the poor kids don’t really have much of a say in the process or are pushed into schools that aren’t a good fit because the parents focused on the wrong aspects. I’m still walking around with body guards after that one :-)</p>
<p>Clearly, a good balance is one that is collaborative. But I have seen a lot of students who felt warehoused, abandonned, or pushed but smiled for the “camera”, the parents and the adcoms. We’ve even seen, here on the boards, kids who are distressed because once enrolled, the parent is still pushing (or interfering). Or - on the other extreme - the child can’t function solo.</p>
<p>It’s not unusual to then see the same students with parents in tow at college time.</p>
<p>I think there is a difference - at least at elite schools - between supporting the notion and collaborating - versus driving the process. Each family makes their own decisions - truly, but if the child can’t do some of the heavy lifting, why give them over to strangers in the hopes they’ll raise them to do it?</p>
<p>Maybe I’m just jaded, but I just finished a raft of interviews with older children who are still being “told” where to apply, accompanied by their parents, or - even if they arrive alone - can’t demonstrate any proactivity because the parent is still driving.</p>
<p>Teach them early because they may not be “emancipated” but believe it or not, there are a lot of students getting through to the top of the pile simply because they are more mature and more self-directed than others in the pile - when all other things are equal.</p>