Who pays? after-graduation dinner

Parent Cafe
1

Clearly I should have asked this question before the event, but it’s never too late to learn.

My child attended and graduated HS in a nearby town. Very few family members attended the graduation itself, but 17 went out to dinner afterwards. I made the reservation for dinner and provided a cake. The participants were as follows:

Me and my husband, parents of the HS graduate

My brother, lives a plane ride away, in town to celebrate a big birthday (60)

Brother’s young adult daughter, in town to celebrate a big birthday (30)

My sister, lives in town, her partner works most evenings and couldn’t attend

Sister’s young adult daughter and her partner, live 1.5 hours away, in town to celebrate all the big events

Sister’s young adult son and his partner, live nearby and wanted to celebrate all the big events

My aunt and uncle, timing a big visit from overseas to celebrate all the events

My mother, who lives in town

My father and his wife, live an hour away, in town to celebrate all the big events

My long-time friend and her partner, live nearby, wanted to celebrate the graduate

My friend and her partner asked for a separate bill. Everything else was on one bill. Everyone ordered their own dinner and about half the attendees drank.

Who pays? Why or why not?

2

Probably varies by area and culture, but around here the parents of the grad and/or the person that invited all the others would pay.

3

I’d consider my husband and I the hosts and would expect to pay. If I knew it would be 17 people ahead of time, I’d pick a moderately priced restaurant.

4

Person who invited the others to dinner pays

5

Parents pay.

One exception, if the kid is going to be a 1st round MLB draft pick. Then he pays. Our local kid just signed a $3.5 million contact. :slight_smile:

6

Was this to celebrate the graduation AND the two birthdays? A joint celebration? That could change who pays.
If the focus was the graduation then the hosts (parents often) pay. Your friend could have let it go and talked with you after about their bill. They were your guests as much as the others and did not need to pay for themselves.

7

If it was arranged as a grad dinner by the parents, the parents are hosting and should pay.

8

You pay as you were hosting the event for your child. It’s the same as if you were having a grad party at your house. You wouldn’t ask the guests to chip in.

9

The parents are hosting and should pay.

10

If it’s your kids’ graduation and family and friends come to join the celebratory dinner afterwards, you either make it clear that it’s separate tabs, or you pay. Your friend was considerate, and Because she wanted to join the celebration, likely felt like she was inviting herself and partner, or knew you well enough that she felt it was right to get a separate tab for herself and date. I can see why it would not occur to the family members.

We paid for our kids’ graduation Dinners for all who attended.

Just a few weeks ago,we took a Cousin and fiancée to dinner, a “meet the family” thing, and it was understood by the family members that we invited that we’d pick up the tab though not outright said. A distant cousin came by last minute and wanted to join us. Though we picked up her tab too, she asked for a separate check, which was appropriate because she pretty much invited herself, though she did ask if she could come along. We declined her offer to pay, however.

When we were asked to join my son’s GF and family for a graduation dinner several years ago, we did not offer to pay as we were specify invited even though no discussion of pay came up. It did not even occur to us to offer to pay.

If ever you DON’T want to pay for a group dinner that you originated, such as this one, make sure you let each person know. When it comes to family, etiquette as to who was invited and who invited themselves gets blurred.

In fact, ANYTIME you go out with someone, make it clear if you are going to pick up the whole tab or it’s going to be separate. It avoids misunderstandings, embarrassments and getting stuck with an bill you didn’t have budgeted to pay.

Many years ago, I was on a very strict budget. I worked for a company with employees that liked to go out regularly and a lot of drinking went on at times. I did not drink, and tended to just order an appetizer as a meal. I always asked for a separate tab. If it was celebratory, and the celebrant was treated, I’d generously estimate that person’s tab, divide by the number of us treating and give whoever picked up the tab that amount, including a 20% tip, everything rounded up. I brought enough cash with me to do that. I just couldn’t afford to do otherwise those days.

11

Lots of partners at this dinner!

12

“Would you like to join us for dinner” or “Would you be our guests for dinner” should make it clear.

13

There may be more details needed. All these people didn’t randomly show up at the same place. Who did the inviting? I’m assuming you (the parents of the grad) invited everybody to dinner before you made these reservations, right?

14

Every family event such as a graduation, the parents of the graduate paid for dinner.

When it was high school, I had take out brought in for family who attended. So we could all talk and be more comfortable.

For college, my husband and I paid for dinner the night before and lunch the day of. Breakfast was at the hotel.

When I went to my nieces college graduation, parents paid for graduation dinner. We split the other meals. But we were there for more than one day.

15

So far we’ve hosted 2 graduation dinners with family groups from 12 to 14 and have always paid. It would have occurred to me not to pay for guests I invite. It’s also become tradition that we also go to a show (Ester’s Folley’s for those familiar with Austin) as part of the graduation celebration and pay for tickets for everyone for that too.

16

Events I attend, whomever lets folks know to attend an event and where said event is generally pays the tab. Other families likely have different rules. Generally no one buys drinks unless the host insists.

Sometimes host or a guest will bring or purchase a bottle for table to share. Often folks invited will bring a flowers, gift or envelope with money for honoree.

17

Graduate’s parents, in my opinion. But that’s just what we do and every family has to decide what makes sense for their circumstances.

18

As this was your event, don’t you already know the answer? Your friend wanted to cover her own bill why?

19

All this being said, as a guest, I would offer to pay my share. And if I was the host I’d thank my guest self but politely decline to accept. And, either way, as the guest, I’d give the graduate a congratulatory card and a generous check. :slight_smile:

To me it is kind of like a wedding. I wouldn’t expect to pay for dinner at a wedding.

20

In my family, my parents would probably have offered to pick up the tab and after some arguing we would let them, but really it’s your party. You should be paying. If others offer to pitch in that’s nice.