When we invited folks, we paid for everyone.
We paid for everyone for any of our kids graduation lunches/dinners. Never thought to do otherwise
I would say that the parents of the grad should pay, since they issued the invitation.
But I’m curious to what the OP thinks! 
Thank you, everyone, for the clarity. I assumed we would be paying, but my husband was surprised that no one offered to pay for their meals or drinks. It’s an interesting perspective that my friend might not have wanted us (the hosts) to be obligated to pay for them as well as all the family members. I didn’t know they kept their bill separate until the next day, but I figured it was bc they assumed everyone would split the bill and they didn’t want to be on the hook because they don’t drink. I’ll have to ask her why she made that choice.
For my part, I honestly can’t think of any restaurant that’s moderately-enough priced that I could comfortably pay for 17 people, particularly when some guests are ordering several cocktails throughout the course of the evening. We paid, of course, but I’m not happy about it. A lot of the expense was alcohol, and if we are ever in such a situation again I will suggest a BYOB restaurant!
The family camped out at my sister’s house for the rest of the weekend. There was only one person who planned and prepared anything ahead of time. I’m irritated that I made special cakes for both birthday celebrants (homemade cheesecake + chocolate/mocha layer cake), and I also brought the graduation cake and paid for the restaurant meal and drinks for the graduation. The rest of the weekend was pay-as-you-go, with trips to the grocery store to pick up burgers and chips. With 17 people and three special events, it doesn’t sit well that there was no attempt to share the expenses more generally.
I appreciate the input here. I don’t know all of why this was so disturbing to me, but talking it through and getting specific feedback is definitely helpful. There are lots of family events in the past and lots more in the future. I don’t want to carry this level of resentment with me, but I’m still feeling it now.
It doesn’t seem completely clear that the OP actually DID invite all of those people…or that the dinner was regarded by all involved to be a grad dinner, as opposed to a general family celebration of the birthdays and so on. (In which case it would have behooved some of the other family members to arrange to spit the tab, at least. It is also not clear to me whether all of those people were expected at the graduation and some just didn’t show up. In any case, I sense that the OP is peeved about the way things turned out.
If it were me, I would have invited them all to my house and prepared a nice buffet, since I gather everyone was in their town or one adjacent. But then I like to do that sort of thing.
BTW, I think it was thoughtful of the friend to order a separate check, especially since she was bringing a “date.”
I cross-posted with @Lynnski . Honestly, it seems to me that some of the other family member could have offered to spit the tab or simply have pitched in, since they were NOT there just to celebrate the graduation.
“I assumed we would be paying”
“For my part, I honestly can’t think of any restaurant that’s moderately-enough priced that I could comfortably pay for 17 people”
I can definitely understand that it was a big expense and how you feel put upon especially since it seems you put effort and $ into other weekend family celebrations however if it was a burden to pay for 17 people perhaps entertaining at home would have been better.
I do feel like some of this family stuff can fall on a few sometimes. I am often the organizer for family things and wind up often doing more and picking up more of the costs than is my “share”.
I think OP found the key - make any expectations clear next time. I can sympathize with a reverse situation.
A couple months ago, an uncle celebrated a milestone birthday. His 3 adult kids (my cousins) hosted a birthday celebration. My cousins are all professionals, have had life-long good salaries. One is retired and owns two homes. The others are empty nesters with no on-going big expenses for tuitions or similar. All regularly vacation in Europe.
I purchased airfare and booked a hotel for DH and I to attend. Then, I received a follow-up email telling us what our share of the B-day dinner expenses would be. I was stunned.
It wasn’t so much the additional $$ for dinner for two, it was the idea that it is acceptable to host a b-day party, then request payment from the guests when the cost could easily have been covered by the 3 hosting the party.
It is undoubtedly due to my lack of generous spirit, but I would have reneged on our attendance had the airfare not already been purchased. I found the arrangements incredibly rude and thoughtless and rather ruined the celebration for me. (My uncle was aware that the guests were expected to pay for their meals at his “party”. )
I think it’s nervy of folks to order multiple drinks at a large family gathering and make no effort to pay. I would in the future be sure to only go to byob with such folks. It’s unfortunate that others imposed on your kindness and marred what should be a happy event and memory.
I guess clarity is always helpful as to what’s going to be hosted and what is separate checks.
My kid graduated from college 3000 miles from my home. Inviting folks to a buffet at my house was not possible. We invited 12 family members and all made the cross country trip for the graduation. We paid for the post graduation meal.
When DS did his senior recital, we hosted 40 people and had Whole Foods do the catering. We also hosted a post recital reception for 100.
We were the hosts…we invited folks to attend. We paid.
Did all these relatives give your graduate a gift?
One way to control things is to have a set menu fro the event, with people paying separately if they order appetizers, drinks or a dessert other than the cake you provide. In our area, people will sometimes host a catered party in a community or apartment clubhouse or a club during the off hours.
I know some people feel like a restaurant invitation is a free-for-all.
I do have a friend who celebrates her birthday every year by gathering various groups of friends at a nice restaurant. The person who sends out the invite makes it clear that the guests should bring a gift for the friend and will pay for their own meal. I think I and the others enjoy going because our shared friend is a giving, lovely person who lights up a room. You order what you want and last year, I picked up the tab for my friend too. I can do that. I can’t afford to host a big party for her.
When we hosted several parties when each of our kids graduated. We insisted on paying though others did offer. We live 2500+ miles from venue. Some folks flew in, some drove. We hosted a 70th bday party for DH as well at one of the grad events.
We chose venues we knew we could afford but guests were polite and didn’t choose to have multiple alcoholic beverages apiece.
We had a nice mid-Eastern restaurant with a buffet for one meal, a lunch on campus at a nice restaurant for another, a Thai dinner for another, and perhaps a few other things I can no longer recall. I only kept the happy memories.
Last winter my friend hosted a xmas dinner for 20 people. She did it because she was from out of town and some of us have been nice to her kids in town or they have hosted her when she came into town. She did it by having a set menu and pre-ordered wines she would serve. No one ordered cocktails because we knew she would be paying.
Last week D1 hosted her own 30th birthday dinner. She paid for everyone’s food, but specifically told people they were on their own for their drinks.
I was invited to a friend’s milestone birthday by his SO. I bought him a nice present, and I was miffed when the SO expected me to pay for my dinner. I thought she should have paid for the dinner if she did the inviting for my friend’s event.
I would have expected to pay for my kid’s graduation party, but may have had a set menu with choice of wines.
When we hosted family for college graduation dinner, we ordered a couple of bottles of wine beforehand. The other dinner was lunch so assumed no drinking although a couple ordered one beer apiece.
When I’m invited to such an event or host, I assume to have one drink, not a free for all. But I’m a very moderate drinker.
I also don’t order the most expensive meal when someone else is paying. Or order appetizers and desserts.
But I have family members who do all of the above when dining out so that when someone else is paying they wouldn’t think a thing about it.
Set out any expectations clearly and before it becomes an invitation vs a joint evening. It would seem everyone assumed it was an invitation to your celebration. It is very easy to set out the bill splitting expectation in the email or text for the set up for dinner. If that was clear maybe some of your people wouldn’t have attended. I am amazed that this is just a HS graduation and you have people who got on a plane?
I just hosted my H’s birthday party at a restaurant. There were 18 guests and an open bar. The menu was set with a few choices for each course. I bought the cake in from a bakery and 6 bottles of wine. Corking fee and our choice of wine was less than the restaurants least expensive wine. Nonetheless, the cost would have been a shock if I had not planned on covering all costs.
Had I been trying to keep it inexpensive (relatively) I would have chosen a pizza parlor or a home buffet.
I have had 22 for heavy appetizers, drinks, and dessert without too high of a cost.
The OP did not expect those celebrating with them to have the expectation that they were being treated.
I agree that clarity is super important when extending invitations.
Did the guests give the graduate gifts (money)?
At the events I hosted back in the day, the guests gave the honoree a card with money or gift card or other suitable gift. We also bring gifts if we are guests. I’d be unhappy if I thought I was a guest, brought a gift and was told to pay for myself and chip in for the honoree.
An evening at home would definitely have been better! And that’s how most family events are celebrated. But her school and graduation were not in our town, so it didn’t seem practical to bring everyone over to our place. Some of the graduate’s friends came by and swept her off after dinner, which pleased us, and that would not have happened if we hadn’t stayed in town. I think going out to a restaurant was the right choice… but we definitely won’t do anything like that again.
We didn’t exactly invite everyone for dinner, but neither did we say that we were going and would make a reservation… but couldn’t pay for everyone or would appreciate a separate tab for drinks. So when everyone responded quickly and unequivocally to say they were coming (unusual in my family), I suspected it had been interpreted as a generous invitation! That’s the cue my husband missed.
We don’t have the budget or the habit of going out to nice restaurants and ordering rounds of cocktails. We just don’t. I feel taken advantage of by family members who do have that habit or want to. I can’t imagine that no one knows that we don’t go out like that, but maybe I should consider that.
Another piece of the puzzle is that my mother generally pays when all her kids and grandkids go out for celebrations, but she told me ahead of time that she wasn’t going to do that. She wasn’t 100% clear, but I should have given more thought to what she meant. I will have to talk to her about it. I’m thinking she resents paying for the drinkers (she has said that in the past), so she just avoided that issue completely this way. Some guests may have assumed mom was paying because she usually does. Others knew the bill would fall to us and didn’t care.
My sister actually told me afterwards that the bill would have been a lot more, but her “gift to the graduate” was that she paid for drinks and appetizers before the rest of us (my child and those who attended the graduation) got there! (I won’t be suggesting my child send a thank-you note for that.)
Some family members gave the graduate gifts, but they were small—a plant or a gift card to a sandwich shop in her colleges’s town. The friend who paid her own tab, on the other hand, gave an extremely generous gift. There was no implied exchange like there often is at a wedding.
I totally accept that some folks do more for family events than others. I like baking, for instance, and happily offer to make whatever the celebrants want for all the family occasions. This weekend crossed a threshold; I think because it wasn’t just a matter if effort and materials—there was also quite a bit of cold hard cash. Now I have to reckon with that dynamic. I liked my open-hearted willingness to do more! I’m not sure if that will bounce back from this weekend
Thanks for listening.
17 is a really large crowd for a restaurant meal. I find it less enjoyable, unless I’m a guest, to corral such a big group of people.
In any case, I can see why there’s resentment. It’s fine for you to treat everyone but not the birthday people? Family dynamics, grrrr…
“My sister actually told me afterwards that the bill would have been a lot more, but her “gift to the graduate” was that she paid for drinks and appetizers before the rest of us (my child and those who attended the graduation) got there! (I won’t be suggesting my child send a thank-you note for that.)”
That’s really ballsy, even more so considering it seems like her family represented a big chunk of the bill based on numbers. Sometimes it’s perplexing how siblings can have such different sets of manners and scruples growing up in the same family.