“I am amazed that this is just a HS graduation and you have people who got on a plane?”
To be clear, my brother wanted to be with every else for his 60th and the rest of the family lives within a 2-hour drive from one another. So he got on a plane for his own birthday!
Whoo! That was a big money surprise! I’m glad our little family just got lunch at a nice restaurant after graduation and will host DD#1 friends at the house for a casual get together before she leaves for college. (Got to save money to pay the tuition bill.) Most of the relatives live out of town and the few in town can’t be depending on to show up for events.
It is interesting how differently everyone’s family and different members of it are. I’m glad we have figured out how to mostly collaborate with ours.
I don’t see why the grad should write a thank you note for your aunt hosting her family for drinks and appetizers. Hmmmm definitely different strokes.
Sounds like you have family members who have in the past taken advantage of your moms generosity. And now they’ve taken advantage of the graduation situation.
You had bad guests, I would expect the hosts of graduation to pay for my meal. I don’t expect them to take advantage of me.
And what poor taste of your sister to not give the grad a gift. Because that’s what it was
In the month of June our family gets hammered with three birthdays on the 15th, 16th, and 17th. Father’s Day usually falls on one of these dates and if there’s a graduation, it’s a lot. With that being said, when D1 and D2 graduated from HS we paid for the dinner even though it was a celebratory dinner for birthdays, Father’s Day, and graduation. For college graduation we paid for dinner and lodging for relatives as it was out of town for everyone. But, I can understand the negative feelings about a situation such as this. Sometimes relatives and friends take advantage of a chance for free drinks and appetizers or maybe even ordering something more expensive than they normally would. The dynamics of the family play a big part. But, bottom line, as most have suggested is that if you invite you really are obligated to pay unless it was clear that everyone was paying for their own dinner.
The easy answer is ‘the parents of the grad’ pay. But I can see (and have experienced) where this can get out of hand.
You invite X number of people. Someone asked ‘can I bring a guest’. And yes, the alcohol issue is prickly. Some don’t drink, some like $17 glasses of wine - and they like a lot of them.
For situations like a graduation dinner we simply sucked it up. With a smile.
We’ve found that at other times when there’s a group and there will be a split check, it works best if food is one one bill and all drinks are on the individual bill of the drinker. That keeps the salad/soup eater from getting a $85 bill.
One thought for the future for all of us is to make it clear that it is a no host bar if alcohol expenses is not part of the equation.
That way those ordering drinks are on their own and sometimes may like it better as they fell free to
order as many drinks as they want to order.
@Momofadult , you must be related to my husband! Just about the same thing happened with us. Host very well to do. Celebrating his father’s birthday, invited family members, a lot of them not in good financial shape. Didn’t say a word about who was paying. When we got there as were told to sit together as the group paying for selves. I could see the stricken looks of some family members. We insisted one cousin sit with us and covered her tab and she covered her kids’that she’d been urged to invite.
The “hosts” ordered lavishly in terms of drinks and food for themselves. We ordered appetizers immediately to share with our side of the room—it was ridiculous having separate tabs a group of over 40 people and one waitress taking individual orders from the menu.It took along time just taking the order
We would have gone anyways, even if we knew it was pay for yourself, but i felt it was terribly rude the way it was done.
I have hosted large groups and announced cash bar so we did not get stuck with paying for too many alcohol based drinks; also to keep the drinking down. Can also say cash bar after one drink. A lot of ways to do this.
@Lynnski, I’m sorry this happened to you. A budget buster, for certain. I would not have baked the cake or done anything for the birthday celebrations other than show up with cards and maybe small gifts and something for the host at those
Can’t assume anything with a group
When we arrived few days early at my nephew’s destination wedding, his dad sent out an email to everyone from out of town about meeting at the hotel restaurant. The intention was, “hey we will be downstairs, feel to join us if you like.” His brother knew their side of family would interpret it as my BIL was picking up the bill (my BIL is a very generous/nice person), so he quickly sent out a follow up email to let everyone know they were on their own for their meals.
So, did the brother celebrating 60 yr birthday host a dinner?
We would pay.
My SIL had a joint grad party for her son and stepson.’
We all paid our own and gave the kids a money gift besides. It was a pricey night for us. We weren’t thrilled
@Lynnski - I think you should have your child write a thank you note. “Dear Aunt, thank you so much for paying for the food and drink you had before I got to the restaurant. Was it good? What did you all have? I wasn’t there yet, so I’m curious. I might just enjoy this gift forever if you can send me some instragram photos of the appetizers! P.S. I hope Uncle Johnny loved the present we got him. We haven’t heard from him yet.”
And don’t forget this lesson when college graduation comes around! “Sorry, just a small affair at the school. Catch you all next time!”
So much depends on how the decision to go out to eat was made. If it was an invitation - verbal or via a card/email – I would assume the inviter would pay.
HOWEVER, let’s say a bunch of parents at the graduation decide to go out to celebrate. Or even, one couple says, “We’re going out to xxxx restaurant, want to join us?” and 17 people end up eating together. That, to me is an occasion that calls for shared checks, or people chipping in, at the very least.
And actually, the latter happened to me and my husband. A bunch of us parents (and kids) decided to celebrate graduation together at a nearby (not cheap, but not luxury) restaurant. There was food, appetizers wine and probably mixed drinks, too.
I was stunned when one of the main parents paid for us all. I sent a thank you note, because he really didn’t have to do it. The dinner was a group decision, and the check really should have been shared by the group. It was a generous, lovely gesture.
It happened. OP and her husband were caught unaware. An expensive lesson but now they know. Better to just leave it for this time, IMO and just make it very clear for any future get togethers who is paying for what. It appears this group dinner evolved rather than was planned.
The comment about the OP’s mother saying she was not going to pay for this when SHE has been paying for such gatherings is significant, IMO. Apparently, she has had enough of picking up the tab for these things. I would talk to her about that. Just in case OP also stepped over the mother’s comfort level in the past at restaurants.
@dietz199 Your comment about the soup/salad eater with an $85 bill reminded me of our group in grad school. We had a several cheapskates who never contributed enough to cover their share of the bill sticking the rest of us with more than our share. Once someone decided to split the bill in two with cheapos on one check and the rest on the other. Unfortunately, I wasn’t told ahead of time and ended up sitting on the wrong side of the table. I wish we had this guy from Portlandia to help us back then.
This may be a little tacky for some, but I gave everyone I invited to my daughters graduations dinner a gift card for their meal to control cost. Lots of restaurants will provide them to you at no additional cost.
We would have assumed the entire cost, drinks included, for a graduation dinner for one of our kids. If we couldn’t afford it, we would not have suggested it. I honestly don’t understand the resentment.
My current mantra regarding a parallel dinner event is “family is more important than money.” That perspective has been strengthened by a recent car accident which is financially inconvenient (really really inconvenient) but no one was hurt and which could have been much worse.
Parents should pick up the tab for the whole group.
There is a saying in Spanish, “El que invita, paga”, which translates to “The one who invites, pays.” Very simple. I grew up hearing this, so it’s never a question if I am extending an invitation. I have taught my girls to operate this way, too. I have learned that is not a general rule though and have let them know you can’t expect it in return, but that’s okay.
For most dinners I am fine with splitting the bill.
However, when a child of mine graduates (high school or university) I have paid the bill. I still have one graduation left to go, and am planning on paying the bill again.