re my mother, yes, I am definitely going to talk with her about previous meals and dynamics. She suggested breakfast at a local place the morning after the 3-event weekend with those who were still in town, and I was physically incapable of attending. I need a full detoxification and communication program before I can even think of going out for another meal with this crew! Yes, groups are tough. I learned an expensive lesson.
re the baking, I had already made and delivered two cakes and cards and other homemade things to my sister’s before the graduation and fateful dinner. One of the lasting questions going forward is how to reconcile my interest in doing such things for my relatives with my resentment in feeling taken advantage of over this “celebratory” weekend.
re my brother, no there was no 60th birthday dinner. Just camping—burgers, hot dogs, chips, and some very nice cakes
I feel like the multiple celebrations and unstated assumptions meant that my brother didn’t pay (it was his birthday), my niece didn’t pay (it was her birthday), my mother didn’t pay (conjecture as noted previously), my aunt and uncle didn’t pay (they had traveled so far), my sister didn’t pay (she was hosting the camping weekend), etc etc etc and we were left with the bill. Lessons learned (and obviously still being processed).
Just to be clear. Your sister and her crew arrived before you and ordered drinks and apps prior to the party start time?
That seems almost impossible to imagine as really happening.
Showing up and they are done eating apps, wait staff clearing dishes and niece’s boyfriend swigging jack and cokes?
Or did they show up early and give them a credit card for appetizers and drinks as a gift to you.
I did that for my sister and niece who doesn’t have a lot and ex husband showed up with his new girlfriend and no money.
Does everything think that was rude?
Am I missing something.
However even in my sisters case with very limited funds she not only paid for the dinner, she insisted. Her point was it was her party and she invited everyone. Also she thought 400 dollars or so was less than one semesters books in the big picture.
It seems like everyone was there to celebrate your daughter’s graduation and assumed you were hosting (except for your friend). Best thing would have been to make it clear what you were covering, especially since you now feel like your relatives took advantage of the situation. I would try to forget it and move on.
I agree, with the move on. Other than the talk with mom. It’s done. Happy occasion. Don’t let it happen again.
We host a lot of these things so I’ve learned to control the costs because, sadly, even beloved family can throw financial caution to the winds when someone else is picking up the tab. We tend to pick up the tab at these things; it’s our intention to do so, but I make sure that it’s clear what’s covered. Often it’s no alcohol other than maybe a single drink or preselected wines. That’s what drives up the price the most. Also, we pick the appetizers. For large groups, we have just a few menu choices which makes it easier for the restaurant too. Occasionally, someone pitches in.
Sorry that you are left with a bad taste in your mouth after the festivities. Congrats to your daughter. I was thinking - if your sister hosted a camping trip, she likely shelled out quite a bit of money as well.
I don’t know what’s hard to imagine really happening @privatebanker — I wasn’t there but I believe my sister and her crew had appetizers and drinks at the restaurant’s bar beforehand. I don’t think she was speaking literally in calling that a “gift to the graduate;” it was an odd remark but I think she just wanted to make the point that it could have been a lot higher (I wish the total was just $400!)
I agree that it’s time to move on from the dinner. Clearly we were the hosts, and for various reasons dinner turned out to cost a lot more than I had bargained for. If I had more experience in these things I would have selected a menu and/or been clear about alcohol limitations. My mistake. Won’t happen again.
The resentment comes from family dynamics related to the number of people and milestone events. Over the course of the weekend, someone else could have paid for a meal, baked a cake, bought a round of drinks, or done anything else to share the honor of 60th birthday, 30th birthday, or HS graduation. They didn’t. I’m glad I did right by my kid, but I don’t feel great about the rest of it.
Oh ok. Got it. To be clear. I didn’t mean it to have taken literally or didn’t mean to suggest it didn’t actually occur. Sorry about that.
I meant it was so incredibly rude to eat and drink before the party, in the same restaurant for a big celebration - I can’t believe that really happened. Disbelief.
Oh, that can happen. If you are incredibly hungry as are your kids, and just from some event, say all hot and sweaty, I see no reason not to order drinks and appetizers before everyone arrives. But therecwould be no question in my mind who pays the bill for that. Hopefully, Sis was joking about that being part of her gift
I guess that also did reduce the cost of the meal since those who imbibed wouldn’t be so famished. Hopefully, they ordered the main course accordingly.
People are weird, people are especially weird about money and even moreso when it involves family. A year or so before we forced the in laws to move out of their long time home, due to age related safety issues, the two brothers were in frequent communication. One time one brother and wife had planned a visit and asked the other brother to join them. You know, a bit of strength in numbers. FIL was angry and felt they were talking about him, etc. He has always paid for dinner out, but this time he took everyone to a pricey, for him, restaurant and ordered appetizers and desserts, very odd for him. At the end he turned over the bill to the brother who joined the group, because he was punishing him for coming.
I can relate to how you feel, OP, it’s not just the meal, it’s the entire picture and decades of, well, decadent ordering on the part of some family, self-indulgent enough that your mom quit paying for them, so you are not wrong in feeling they took advantage of the situation.
I’ve been to events where alcoholic drinks are on a separate tab. With folks that like to order such items, I would do that going forward IF I treat for anything. So sorry this event has made what should have been a joyous graduation significantly marred.
Sounds like you have nice friends—we do choose our friends and can even choose the degree of closeness we cultivate with our family. Sounds like you have been very generous.
Too be clear–I think the OP closer to somewhere between $800-to $1500 (maybe higher). 17 folks and drinks and gratuity. ( I just hosted 18 with an actual plan and we were over this) AND did not anticipate any of this. I would not be able to “get over” or “get past” this easily. Certainly lessons learned for the OP but hard feeling take time to heal.
I think the Sister was tacky to mention the appetizers and drinks in the bar but that aside it does not seem odd to me at all. It was her family time and she paid. Nor would it have bothered me if a few of our guests had arrived before our dinner began and stopped in the bar.
I believe the consensus is that parents pay for a post graduation evening dinner and I’m not clear what the misunderstanding is about.
I am traveling this weekend for a friend’s daughter’s graduation. I am not attending the ceremony because there are limited tickets and I just don’t want to add any stress to my friend trying to manage elderly grandparents, etc. I am invited to the dinner afterwards, even though I am not attending the ceremony. It would not occur to me to offer to pay and I will follow their lead regarding ordering a glass of wine or not. She did arrange the hotel and informed me of the nightly rate when she invited me. I knew this meant I am paying for my room. But I was informed of the hotel cost during the invite so I could make my own decision about attending, not after I arrived and would be stuck with the bill.
She has even arranged breakfast buffets for her guests, etc. but that is above and beyond.
If a cake is there for dessert I will take the hint that I should not order dessert. Otherwise, they are paying.
OP. So sorry you found yourself in this unexpected and expensive situation.
Even though off topic, here is my graduation meal story
Last month we went to a college graduation for husband’s cousin’s daughter. Her parents had arranged a dinner after the ceremony. Her mom called me some time back to ask for restaurant recommendations, because we spend time in the college city and have taken the daughter out to eat when visiting there. I was very vague because I definitely didn’t want to get in the middle of this planning. I’ve been participating in family events and vacations with this cousin since he was a young teenager, 40 years ago. He loves to go out to fancy places, often insists on picking the restaurant but always is visibly, and sometimes very vocally, pained by the price. As soon as we were in a position to do so, we just started picking up the checks for him, and later his family, when it wasn’t a large group. Even though his income was probably higher than ours. It was just embarrassing to go out with him otherwise, and these were family get togethers we felt obligated to participate in. When his family attended our children’s graduations and weddings, we paid for all the meals… as we did for everyone invited because that is what we were taught: the one issuing the invite is the host and pays.
I thought there was a real good chance there would be separate checks for the dinner. In addition to family, two of graduate’s professors were attending. We had decided we weren’t going to offer to pick up the whole check because that seemed really inappropriate and presumptuous to me under the circumstances. And, of course, also really expensive. There was some time lag after the ceremony and before the reservation. The group ended up arriving at different times and sitting in the bar before our table was ready. Since everyone already had a drink in hand, we ordered one too, but quietly told the bartender to start us a bill. At the least, I knew we’d pay for those drinks, since not really part of the celebratory dinner.
The cousin, wife and graduate arrived a bit later and had drinks as well. When our table was ready, we looked at the bartender to get our bill. Small aside between bartender and cousin. Cousin comes over, smiles and whispers to us, “This is my party. I’m taking care of it” We were so impressed. I thought… omg… all grown up. So proud of him.
D1 is 30 and making good money, but some other young adults in my extended family are not self supporting yet. When we all go out to celebrate someone’s birthday and they are picking up the check, D1 will order few bottles of wine for the table instead of trying to pay.
I have an interesting situation myself. We are all going on a family trip and it happens to be around my niece’s birthday. My sister is suggesting we all go to a nice restaurant to celebrate and we would all pay for our own. The meal would be 250/person. I have 3 people in my family, which would be 750. I said no, and at the same time feel like a party pooper.
@Lynnski Wow! I can see why you feel a bit resentful. You were taken advantage of, and there doesn’t seem to be much gratitude on the part of your family.
But it is done, and after you vent a bit, you can just call this a learning experience and be crystal clear about expectations in the future.
The answer to whether you are paying for a dinner is found in the question: Who chose the place? Was it you who made this decision without input and negotiation with others? Did you choose the day and the time? Yes? Than this is your party and you pay. That others chose not to also throw a party for their events shouldn’t cause you resentment. This was not a tit for tat. Your best bet u det the circumstances was to have suggested a potluck dinner at your home to “ celebrate all the big events”
^^^Whoa. In my life I cannot imagine a meal costing $250/person - let alone someone else thinking we’d be willing to pay that!!! I’d rather take a weekend trip on that $750 and eat at a good diner!!!)
I agree with others that it is up to the grads parents to take care of the check. Someone else buying a couple of bottles of wine would have been a nice gesture.
The thing that strikes me odd is that this group of 17 seemed to really enjoy their share of cocktails on someone else’s bill. Granted I’m a rare drinker, but if someone is treating me to dinner I am usually quite careful what I order and add to the bill - that maybe comes from my own moderate frugalness (is that a thing?!) - but I think it’s rude to have more than one drink (if at all) when someone else is paying for a large group like that.
I’m fuzzy on how this is even up for debate. If you hosted a party at your home to celebrate the graduation instead, would it be BYOB? Would everyone who attended be expected to contribute money to cover the cost of the celebration?
Unless there was a discussion that this dinner was an opportunity for everyone to get together and celebrate all of the special occasions at one time, I would expect to pay as the parent of the graduate.
