It sounded to me like the OP’ s mother has been paying for these celebratory events, but let her know she wouldn’t be doing so this time. Perhaps after plans had been made? So maybe this is the first time the OP’s generation has been responsible for picking up the tab? I can well believe that might cause confusion and upset. Especially if other grandchildren’s graduation meals had been courtesy of Grandmother.
I want to tie together oldfort’s 75 and Maya #77. This occurred to me as well. If you expect others to pay for their meals, you should ask for their input on place. imho.
@Lynnski who paid for the groceries for the burgers/chips etc and the other weekend meals? Was that a cost share per family or one person organized and cooked?
It’s the drinks and desserts that can rack it up. We had 12 people at s very nice restaurant for DS’s graduation. Each person ordered from the menu with wild abandon. One person brought wines and picked up the serving fee and another paid for the champagne all without telling us. We brought a cake. DH ordered table appetizers. Since the majority were my kids and close family, we did not bother with saying it would be Individual cash bar and no one ordered any drinks anyways. The bill came to $800. Would have been more with the wines and we were prepared to pay that as well. It was a pleasant surprise that others picked up the tab.
My kids know better than to order it up from a bar when being a guest at a restaurant meal. They would order maybe only if host did and even then rare. DH tends to ask for his own bar tab if we are guests as a family and he wants to drink but it’s a rare thing.
I went to a lovely Christmas dinner with extended family. I was firmly told my meal was covered. I had the table wine. One guest ordered 4-5 mixed drinks which came to more than what her meal cost. My meal alone at a very nice in Hyatt restaurant was not even $30. Appetizers were ordered by host for entire table. I shared a dessert with a cousin. So had I paid for my order it would not have been that much
It does sound like the family took advantage of the situation. If that happened to me I’d say “lesson learned” and at any future graduation (or other) celebrations I would look to control costs by either: 1) have a smaller invite list – perhaps immediate family and grandparents; 2) go to a place where you can better control things – create a set menu with limited or no alcohol included (perhaps wine and beer) – some restaurants have private rooms for these types of parties or 3) have a party at home for extended family and a nice meal out with immediate family.
IME some people that enjoy drinking at restaurants really, really loooooooove when somebody else is paying the bill. They’ll order 2x, 3x, 4x more in drinks than they would on their own dime, or order the 30 year old Macallan instead of their usual Makers.
I’ve seen colleagues at work do this at small internal team dinners since it’s on the corporate tab, and I think it’s really disrespectful and unprofessional. In a personal setting I take a very dim view of drinkers who abuse others’ hospitality.
Fortunately I learned this lesson at a young age and never pick up the tab when free-flowing alcohol is involved. If I see the pre-meal drink orders flowing at a social event (one of those “let’s split the bill equally” events), I’ve learned the art of making this comment to the waitress when placing my order: “I’m going to need a separate check.”
I’ve been to a number of wedding this past year and all have featured generous open bars with top shelf liquors, open throughout the entire reception, dinner and dancing. I cannot even imagine the cost of that, given what I’ve seen is the cost of a mixed drink these days.
We started the your own bar tabs policy long ago for when we host group dinners out. We’ve found that the cost of meals alone not onerous. It’s the danged alcohol, desserts and sometimes coffee. We often have that at home if we have house guests. Can even include a nightcap a lot cheaper than what restaurant charges. Just was out at med priced place. Desserts about $8.95, coffee and tea $4.95, more for cappuccino and specialty coffee. A slice of cake and tea half the price of some entrees, same cost as less expensive entrees. It can double your bill right there
I attended a retirement event at a restaurant and the organizer lost control of the number of attendees so the tab was higher than expected. She approached people and asked them to cover their meals. People weren’t happy because they thought they were guests. These situations are tricky and I’m sorry you were out so much more money than budgeted. I hope you feel good about being gracious and paying and hope you feel ok about still providing your delicious cakes in the future.
@cptofthehouse actually…if your wedding venue includes an open bar in the per person cost…you don’t get much of a $$$ credit if you delete that option.
I have friends who went on line to grab reservations as soon as they opened for a fancy restaurant that is $250/person with a 4 person minimum, plus drinks. I’m sorry but NO food is that good to me! Even if it was exquisitely tasty, my stomach has its limits and it would fill well before that point.
@thumper1 , that explains it. I was surprised that they all had that featur. And the liquor flowed freely, let me tell you. If that had been at a per drink cost, overwhelming.
As the host, the parents of the graduate pays unless there have been other discussions about splitting the check. Traditionally, we host a graduation brunch for family and close friends (8-12 people) and pay for everyone. Some of our group are not as well off as others and we don’t want financial worries to dampen the celebratory mood.
Someone asked if a host/ess would charge for alcohol if providing the meal in their home – my answer is no, of course not, but I’d control how much I’d spent when buying it.
I want to kiss DIL’s mother’s feet after reading all this, though. DIL and DS2 graduated together, and we (the moms) both pulled together the graduation buffet lunch for family. They were local, and we’re on the other side of the country. I bought some of the groceries and did almost all the meal prep (food allergies, and I’m experienced handling that). DIL’s mother and I went to Costco for the lion’s share of groceries, and she turned down my offer to cover or contribute. Oh, and the times we’ve been out for dinner with them are adorable – my DH and DIL’s mother and father are all water drinkers, I’m the profligate one with my seltzer-and-a-lime-wedge!
DH and I used to eat out regularly and at some pretty nice places, I can only recall one meal that came out to $250+ a person and that was at Micheal’s in Southpoint in Vegas. Pretty sure the stone crab appetizer was over $100, my menu had no prices on it, I didn’t know places still used “women’s menus” !!
This doesn’t sound like people came to town just for the graduation. There were other events and meals for 17 during those three days. Who picked up the tab for all of those?
Austen, everyone paid their own way. The OP brought all the special desserts.
So what I learned is that if I invite a large group to a restaurant, I’ll say from the start that I m paying for food, but drinks on them.
A friend invited me to join her at her country club for a brunch, making it clear myself and the other guest would pay for ourselves. The cost was $65, not including drinks. I bowed at, as neither was a good friend and i don’t like paying $100 for a brunch , let alone for no occasion.
At venue for son’s wedding, there are 3 tiers of beverages. The top tier could easily cost more than $10,000.
@Lynnski, I’m sorry you found yourself in that position. It sounds like one additional factor is that your uncle was having a milestone birthday and it was being celebrated at the same time. And, IIRC, perhaps all the people at the dinner wouldn’t have necessarily come had he not been there to celebrate both your son and himself. So, perhaps part of what seemed offensive is being left with a bill that covered more people than you originally intended…and if your uncle is in a financial position to have done so, perhaps he could have offered to, if not split, perhaps paid a % of the bill.
Of course, it’s over now…I’m just responding because so many have said that their opinion is that you were reasonably responsible for the bill. Since it became a larger gathering and the celebration of two rather than just one big event, I can see how it reasonably might not have been 100% your bill.
I hope you’re able to let this go quickly but also think through how you might handle a similar situation in the future prospectively.
That’s ^^ it. There was only one tab/meal in a restaurant. The rest of the weekend featured frozen burgers and dogs provided by the host, my sister. People went to the store on the fly to get rolls and ketchup and things as needed… except for the cakes and other homemade specialties I made and brought ahead of time by request of the celebrants. I “assumed” others would be contributing at a similar level by bringing special foods or thoughtful items to make it a celebratory weekend for everyone! No one else brought anything more than pretzels, chips, and s’mores components.
Yes, I said “assume” and that’s what happened. It’s really not about the dinner (though it is kind of about the booze). It’s about suddenly noticing that all the special things I’ve baked and cooked and prepared for this and other extended family gatherings have not been matched by a similar level of effort by other family members. I can deal with the bill for dinner. My kid had fun, and we’ll manage the next graduation differently! But now I’m remembering the many occasions over the years when expectations weren’t clear (“we’re just being chill”) and I made and cooked and baked and prepared at a very different level than the other members of my family. Somehow I hadn’t noticed? But now I’m noticing, and I don’t like this feeling.
@bookworm, usually having an event at a country club means guests do not have to worry about the tab since it’s usually set up so only the member can pay. No separate tabs there. Though there are exceptions, that’s usually the way it works with private clubs. I’ve paid a third part for events held at such clubs but never as a guest of a member.
If you want to control costs at a restaurant, but still pay for the meal, bring the dessert, the wine if permitted or have house bottles provided , order appetizers and let everyone know that that bar tabs are personal. If you want to control further , you can get a limited choice menu. That way no one orders the $50 chateaubriand or lobster extravaganza. At a sleepy town restaurant I know where entrees are about $20, they have a Prime Rib special night with that entree at $40. Can bust that budget if a bunch of people go for it.
We paid for the post-grad restaurant dinners for both our son’s HS (10 people) and college (26 people) graduations. In both cases, we considered ourselves the hosts, so we footed the bills. I posted a while back on another thread that we were only expecting the ten who came to the HS graduation to attend the college graduation, but my MIL rudely expanded the roster to include all of my husband’s sibs and families, and DH did not feel comfortable dis-inviting anyone who wanted to celebrate our son’s achievement. So, we paid the equivalent of a small wedding reception for that fancy seafood restaurant overlooking the Hudson but chalked it up to a once-in-a-lifetime event. The food was terrific and everyone had a wonderful time, so I’ve moved past my anger at MIL for trying to turn our son’s graduation into a reunion of her family.
(BTW: Not a single member of DH’s family even gave ChoatieLT a card, but that’s OK as h/we never expected anything from anyone.)