off topic (apologies) but @ChoatieMom – love the profile picture!
Oops, I was responding above to a previous question. I don’t need to keep airing my dirty laundry here. I appreciate all the various perspectives, sobering stories, and commiseration.
I think lots of people are learning a great deal here about clear communication and keeping costs and expectations manageable…to the degree that they can ever be managed with families. We’re lucky to have events worth celebrating. Thanks all!
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If this is the real crux, then it is just about you, pull back, stop doing anything that builds this kind of resentment., if you were the one offering to do/host/cook stuff, it isn't on them to match you. If you can no longer enjoy being hospitable, just don't do it. Loads of women do the same thing once their kids are older and don't need you to be the one who constructs such social events. You don't have to be a martyr again. I expect you will find it liberating. Others might have thought you just enjoyed it, which I expect you did at one point. Just be one of the loafers that turns up and have a little giggle at that.
CPT,
I hosted other events in the country club. It was one young cousin, in particular, who ordered a 4th drink. A cousin my age took him aside and pointed out that he was costing me a lot. A dozen years later, this younger cousin is still not very sensitive.
The recent brunch invite was clearly stated as we would bring cash for the CC member.
I thank Lynn…, the OP, for starting this thread
I don’t get why this is a question. If you invited them and picked the restaurant as a celebration for your D, then you pay the bill. People happened to be in town to celebrate their birthdays. doesn’t mean they have to take all of you out again to celebrate their own birthdays. I think at least one family member flew in so that’s an expense right there. Sounds like none of this bothered you when your Mom was paying, it only became an issue when you had to foot the bill. It also sounds like maybe you booked this expecting your mom to pay and then got blindsided when she said she wouldn’t. My relatives like to drink so I would expect that during an evening meal, they would order a couple drinks. If you didn’t want all these people there, you shouldn’t have invited them. Question for you…when your mom was paying, did you always offer to pay your share or just ask for a separate check and pay?
As for the desserts, it sounds like something you enjoy doing. I love making apps and always do them for every in-law party. Most of my H’s relatives bring something store bought, like a $5 bin of cookies. I don’t care. I love them like my own family and I love spending time with them. And I enjoy making my apps, so I keep doing it.
I agree with the premise that if I plan the event I pay. I am not clear if the others ordered drinks because they expected Mom to pay as she has in the past. I think this is much more about family dynamics and patterns.
For many years in my family my sister and I were much like @Lynnski. All the siblings, spouses and kids would come to the area my sister and I lived for a weekend every summer. They would expect me and my sister to provide lodging in our homes. I have a pool and they would expect me to provide towels, pool toys and goggles. They also would complain if the pool water was cold. They also wanted my husband to take the kids to the beach and show them how to surf. My sister and I would provide all the food and drinks. It was usually at my house and I would also be the one to clean up after everyone. This went on for years. Each year I would end up resentful. About 5 years ago I had a good friend who told me that I had the power to change the dynamic. It was really hard for me but I started putting my siblings on charge of providing some of the food and drink. It was really hard for me and I felt uncomfortable for the first few years. I still feel bad asking them to contribute but I know I’m not being unreasonable.
For the future @Lynnski does have the power to change. I also had to acknowledge that if I didn’t tell them that it was bothering me I couldn’t really blame anyone but myself.
I have a very generous friend who would sometimes treat us at her country club. Whenever we would offer to pay, she would dismiss us saying that they had to use up their minimum somehow so why not treat her friends. She’s a great friend.
@Lynnski, I appreciate that you posted this and clarified it also. I also have times where I feel my generous good nature is taken advantage of.
I think it’s more about the overall inequities in your family than this one dinner. It’s hard always being the one trying to make events special when no one else is making an effort.
My in-laws were very well off but super cheap. Would invite us out to dinner and then expect us to split the bill. It was a hardship for us when we were newly married and I totally resented it. At some point clear communication is a must to salvage family relationships.
As an aside, we were invited to a New Years party one year at someone’s home, and the host informed her guests at the door that we were expected to contribute $100/couple to the food and drinks! I was very put off. If that was the expectation, it should have been communicated far in advance.
Sometimes I think I’ve heard it all, and then get gobsmacked when reading another post like the one you shared momofsenior1! I think i might have innocently chuckled or giggled at the door of that NYE party when they asked for $100 and say with a smile on my face and raised eyebrows, “I almost thought you were serious for a minute!”
SMH. This is why I am happy to become more of a hermit as I age. Less tolerance for things like this.
LOL/ think i might have innocently chuckled or giggled at the door of that NYE party when they asked for $100 and say with a smile on my face and raised eyebrows, “I almost thought you were serious for a minute!”
THIS is a perspective I want to cultivate!
Lynn ski, I so relate about your cooking. I love to have dinner parties and get togethers and take folks the best dinners when they need it.
Or I did. I reached a point where I found myself wondering why things were not minimally reciprocated. So I pulled way back. But some of the loss is mine. I miss doing it but I do not miss feeling hurt after decades of giving and not receiving. It is a new way of life for me–just a year in.
Wow—pretty outrageous! I’ve never been invited to a party and asked for $100 apiece at the door! Wow! Most times my loved ones, friends and I argue over trying to pay the bill. We’ve finally chosen mostly to just split the bill.
I’m kind of hung up on having seventeen people celebrating a kid’s graduation. I wish I had that many family members who even knew my kid graduated.
My daughter graduated the other night. I made a post inviting many friends and family to the ceremony and/or dinner after. I used Facebook events to do this. My daughter was valedictorian, and we figured she deserves a nice celebration. We made reservations at an Italian restaurant for a family style dinner, the cost was $35 per person. My daughter picked her favorite antipasti, appetisers, salad, main course, and desserts. Around 20 people showed up for dinner, and we paid including all the drinks our guests ordered. It was delicious and we had lots of leftovers to go. I appreciated the veal parm and raviolli the day after. Anyways, while we didn’t expect it, most of our guests gave my daughter congratulatory cards with money gift in it. We are Asians, so not sure if this was a cultural thing… but the money my daughter received, I say it was fair to all without anyone being forced to do or pay for anything.
Our kids each graduated in the same year as a cousin they were close to. We split expenses with the parents of the graduating cousin and had a joint family party for each of their HS graduations. It was fun and a nice way to celebrate together. One of the parties was at a relative’s house and part of the expenses included having a sushi chef come and prepare individually ordered sushi for the guests as they lined up to his sushi bar. We catered much of the food and prepared the rest. The other party I believe was a brunch at a country club and again, the parents of the other graduating cousin and we split the cost of the party. The graduates generally got gifts (often envelopes with money). All my sibs and folks live on the same island as us, so no one flew or drove great distances to attend the graduation parties in our cases.
I do understand how long-standing family dynamics and politics can impact a special occasion like this one, where, without those factors, you may come away feeling differently. I had resentment for years with siblings and other family members not “pulling their weight” in terms of effort, contributions, money, etc. It unfortunately ate away at my feelings for them. I eventually decided that, because the politics and dynamic hadn’t changed for years and were unlikely to, I was going to change the one thing I had control over in the situation…my attitude toward it.
I’ve been fairly successful at adopting the perspective of “If I am going to invest my time, energy or money in someone, who better to share it with/spend it on than my family and loved ones?” Although I still feel the familiar pangs of annoyance at times, it does help me focus on the larger picture and just enjoy the event rather than get mired down in the details of what everyone is contributing or paying for. I have to say, I do have a much better time now, and that is a reward I enjoy giving myself.
I agree that the host of the graduate pays, but I would also agree that it is appropriate to limit the alcohol to beer and wine, with cash bar for anything else. But you have to think of that ahead of time.
What surprise me in this and in Choatemom’s post is that the guests did not give the graduate generous gifts. Especially if they were taken out to a nice dinner.
People rarely treat us the way we treat them.
We never entertain with any expectation of any type of payback or reciprocity. Expecting anything in return is the opposite of genuine hospitality IMO. We do plan to send out a few announcements in the next week or two, and I will insert a note saying, “Please no gifts. We are proud of achievement and wanted to let you know he has completed this happy milestone.” The lack of cards at the grad dinner might have been more due to the fact that we aren’t much of a card- or gift-giving family to begin with more than anything else. I certainly would not expect any cards to contain money. There were plenty of hugs and verbal well wishes, though, and I know our son felt honored and happy in his heart to be surrounded by so many people who traveled long distances to be with him that day.
Re-reading my post above, I didn’t mean to imply that I was taken aback at the lack of cards. I probably shouldn’t have put the word “even” in there. The comparison was between DH’s family and some of my family who do like to give cards, but my side of the family was heavily outnumbered at that dinner.
If I do a celebration for my child I do it with the idea of wanting to share our happy moment with family and friends. I had a graduation party for her and paid for all the guests. (Family and friends) She received a few cards but we were just happy to have everyone share in the celebration with us. I would not expect my guest to pay to participate for a celebration that I was hosting and that they had been invited to. Their presence is all we wanted and appreciated.