I think OP was happy to provide the party, just feels taken advantage of this time by the others excessive alcohol and lack of appreciation. I totally get it and sympathize
Our grad parties are strictly “ no gifts please”
I attended 2 graduation dinners this season and at both I as well as the other guest paid for their own meals. I didn’t think anything of it because I thought maybe it was the norm. I however paid for my daughter graduation dinner using gift cards as stated in a previous post to control cost. After reading this thread I’m glad I paid. Coming from my background we would just have a cookout or something at the house. I didn’t really know how to handle it but it just felt weird to invite people out then ask them to pay.
I think it is a slippery slope when you start comparing the worth of what you do with what others do. The OP invited the family to the event…and I agree with others…she pays. The OP also chose to do something nice for the other celebrations that weekend…and that was nice too. That was a choice she made…and really, she could have opted out especially since it was her own kid’s graduation weekend.
Keeping score of how much folks spend or the efforts they take when doing something…not probably in anyone’s best interest.
I would encourage the OP to let this go…completely. She should do what she feels she wants to do (baking cakes and the like). And really whenever one invites folks to join at a restaurant, the host should expect to pay…unless this is very clearly stated before the event weekend actually happens.
^^^ I agree, at least given my background and the region I live.
BUT - what about when you are “guest” and surprised by the expectation to pay as several of us have been. I felt the expectation that guests pay for participating in the party dishonored all of the invitees.
In the case of our kids for both high school and college…everyone attending the graduation dinners took time off work, and traveled to the events. It never dawned on me to have anyone pay anything else.
For DDs graduation, we rented all the rooms at a B and B. We paid for those too. The folks who came paid for plane tickets and rental cars…and took time off of work. We were thrilled they were able to come.
For DS’s college graduation, same thing…except we had relatives in the area so no hotels. Still…40 family members and friends came to his senior recital. Again…it never dawned on us to have them pay for the fun dinner the night of the event…or the brunch we took them all to at Henrietta’s Table the following morning.
These folks were our guests. Some did offer to pay, or help with the tip. We graciously declined their offers…these were our events to host.
I didn’t read through all the posts, but will tell my little story.
We recently had D19 graduate. Attending the graduation was Father(me), Mother, Sister(D23), Father-in-law, Mother-in-law, and my Mother(in from out of town). So basically immediate family and a full set of grandparents and another grandparent. I know it is clear as mud now.
We were having a big graduation party the day after D19’s graduation to celebrate D19 and D23’s 8th grade graduation two days before. So after the graduation we were going to go get an easy dinner. Just my family and Grandma. Well the in-laws said the felt well enough to go to dinner. So all of us were going out for dinner. Note that decision was made day of graduation. Mother-in-law wanted to change the restaurant to something close to their house. We show up with no reservation and 7 people and wait an hour. And I end up with the check.
I didn’t like the change of venue and adding people to the dinner especially since we were going to celebrate the next day. What can you do.
I agree with those who say the OP hosted the party and should pay. However, it’s not out of line to instruct the restaurant to inform servers that people who order drinks should be getting separate bar checks. Sometimes the host will order wine for the table and have guests pay for any other alcohol.
You are paying, but you get to choose what you’re paying for. For big parties, it’s also common that the restaurant will supply more limited menus, not every entree the restaurant offers, and that the host will order appetizers for all instead of having the guests choose.
I certainly hope that the host for the party would first tell the guests this is going to be the M.O. or @“Cardinal Fang” are you suggesting that the waitstaff should be the messengers here? If so…I don’t think that’s right. The hostess should make their drink buying guidelines clear to the guests…and then see to it that the waitstaff gets it right.
@ChoatieMom I appreciate your perspective on entertaining. I grew up with “we entertain with no expectations of payback or reciprocity” because it was a community of wide differences in means. If you could have a party or dinner you did, but your guests may not be able to do the same so there were no expectations, just enjoyment of time with your friends and family. However, I have encountered others that grew up differently and I think we can hear some of that in this thread. I highlight this because I think it is a good lesson for all of us that these “rules” can be different in families, communities, or amongst friends. Where I grew up, it would have insulted others at a restaurant group meal for one person to pay. The person who paid would have been “showing off” their ability to do so.
Going out on a large family get together can lead to an awkward situation when it comes to paying. When D and I are invited to a restaurant for a meal we allow the host to order for us and try to be accommodating. We avoid ordering drinks and try to be modest as far as menu choices. I feel awkward taking advantage of someone’s generosity. I don’t like the idea of free for all.
This is the kind of thread that keeps me coming back to cc.
I’m sorry, @Lynnski , that you got stuck with such a large bill. I agree with others that it’s your party so your bill. There’s no use hoping that your inconsiderate family will learn to read your mind or develop manners at this late stage so at least now you know what you’re dealing with now that your mom has bailed out of the dynamic. I do hope that you’ll come back and let us know what your mom says. I’m curious about her perspective.
My sister always has been the biggest of cheapskates. I now know that was in part because of an abusive dh who she finally divorced last year. I spent a lot of years sad and disappointed that she seemed to not have the common sense or caring to carry her own weight. But I was much happier once I quit expecting anything from her. And now that she’s divorced she’s so much better. Now, she’s still really rude at times. I hosted a dinner for ds2 at a German place and apparently it was so objectionable that .her 30yo ds didn’t come “because there was nothing for him to eat.” And she ended up ordering spaghetti. That was fine. I think she expected me to change locales because she didn’t want to make her adult son spread his wings a little, but it was rude of her to let her displeasure be known when I was buying them dinner, right? I would have been OK if they both stayed home! But we went to dinner and did the chicken dance, and everyone had a great time.
Anyway, you’re going to have to figure out whether you want to keep making cakes. I love to bake so I would. But, as choatiemom said, you have to give without the expectation of getting – accolades, reciprocity, whatever.
I don’t think that anyone has disagreed with the premise that for this sort of invite, @Lynnski was on the hook for the bill. That part of it is not in any way questioned.
It sounds like this is not a family of unlimited means (that’s my guess) who were shocked that 17 people decided to drink and eat to abandon. At what point do you say enough is enough? And how do you handle family members who seem to not have received the message that you don’t get drunk and you don’t order the most expensive meal on someone else’s dime?
My D had a boyfriend who’s parents took a group out to dinner and the bill was in the 1,000’s. They didn’t bat an eye at it and they could easily afford it. To my husband and I, we don’t spend that much in a year in eating out and have been lucky that our outings have not been this costly for us. Different families have different budgets as I have found out here on CC.
I would love to talk about my most recent family function that ended with me losing my cool with my family members. I am harboring a bit of frustration and am so glad this is the last member to graduate and I won’t have to go through this again. But I won’t (mostly I live in fear that a family member would come here and I would out myself).
But families are messy and some things that they do drive you crazy like no other!
I get what @ChoatieMom was saying. You are being much nicer than me
I think posters are missing the point that the party grew bigger from what OP planned because there were other celebratory events for which the group gathered that weekend. It sounds like the OP planned this graduation celebration dinner with a smaller crowd in mind, but because these other folks were there, the dinner crowd swelled.
There is an old saying heard that goes like this: an uninvited guest is worse that a Mongol invader (apparently referring to the Mongol Empire invasions of Eurasia in the 13th (?) century). 
If the dinner crowd swelled…then the OP was not clear in her invitation. For our daughter’s restaurant celebration, we clearly stated when we needed the RSVP by as we were making reservations which were required as it was a graduation weekend. We would ONLY have included who we invited. Others certainly could have made reservations themselves…but our table reservation was only for those we invited.
Another thing folks need to consider.
I thought about this thread and was wondering if this was probably an eye opener for the OP since mom had been paying for everyone all this time. Maybe mom felt taken for granted and what OP experienced was what mom may have felt at times after treating everyone. Even if she is generous no one likes to be taken advantage of.
As far as the weekend and multiple celebrations each meal has to be coordinated somehow. You baked cakes that was generous but sometimes we expect others to do as we do for them and that leads to disappointment. I think next time there is a family gathering the rules need to be spelled out. We split the check. You pay for your own drinks. This maybe necessary so those who seem to take advantage of participating in a group gathering are responsible for their own charges.
I don’t think you were responsible for hosting and paying for all the meals for the whole weekend. The other meals everyone should have pitched in to help or responsibilities delegated to each family participating.
I could understand that if we are talking about a group of friends just meeting up for dinner, but not when parents of a high school graduate have specifically invited people to a restaurant to honor their child’s achievement.
Read this and thought of this thread
https://m.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/carolynhax/s-2215577
Maybe I missed it, but was it suggested somewhere that the OP should pay for all the meals all weekend? That would be unreasonable, especially as the other celebrations were for other events. But her event- her bill.
As for the cakes- some people like to bake and give/bring their baked goods to family events or other celebrations. But don’t do it if one is expecting the same or something equal in return.
The family may be used to the OP’s great baking skills and perhaps there is a tradition of her bringing them to family events so right or wrong, maybe they’ve come to expect that? If it was too much to do on a busy weekend, OP could have politely said she couldn’t do it this weekend due to other time commitments. But it sounds like the extended family is kinda used to others doing for/taking care of them and their expenses. It just went from mother to daughter. Have seen that in my DH’s family. DH has for decades let himself be taken advantage of by one sibling, but he doesn’t care. I do. OP has learned a lesson for future events, to handle it differently. Might be helpful to have a conversation wit mom, who has previously been the one with the checkbook that the other family members expected was meant for their benefit. A united front would be helpful.