Not sure I’m adding anything but we kind of mentally evaluate the situation when we are invited to something like this. If we are with my aunt and uncle, who we know have plenty of money, we let them pay (we reciprocate at other times). If we are with our friends that we know don’t have a lot of money, but really want to get friends together, we insist they let us pay our fair share, as do others in that group.
We once went to a (relatively small) dinner the night before a wedding for people we barely knew, and we picked up the entire tab (this was less than $500 total, we aren’t talking huge dollar amounts). I knew if I didn’t, another relative would, and they don’t have any money. (Note - this couple was a relative of a relative). The young couple was appreciative, and we were happy to do it.
It’s always better to be a gracious guest than to “expect” others to pay, and if you can afford to help those less fortunate than you, that’s great too. To take advantage of people in situations like this is just not good.
This has been a very interesting and eye-opening thread. I hope others have gotten a lot out of it as well. So many different stories and insights, and of course the unpredictable nature of groups and families.
I did talk to my mom, apologized if she has felt taken advantage of when she’s paid for meals previously, and expressed my interest in being much more clear about costs for restaurant meals and family gatherings in the future. She didn’t have a lot to say, just that she didn’t want to pay for this one because it was so many people and she doesn’t want to pay for others’ drinks. I don’t know why her largesse ended at this particular juncture, but it’s certainly her prerogative to spend her money how she wants to.
Families are complicated, and I’m sad to be feeling less comfortable with my extended family at this point in time. Keeping track of cakes baked and meals hosted is not the way I want to live.
I have to get myself to a different place. I hope we can let this thread fade into the background soon. Thanks everyone for sharing.
@Lynnski I think you can ask the moderators to close it if you don’t want more comments. Thanks for explaining your mom’s thinking.
@Nrdsb4 please don’t misunderstand. I meant it was fine to throw a party for a graduation at home or at an inexpensive venue but not to cover the full cost of a casual group of friends or family. People were proud to pay for themselves at those casual gatherings.
My belief is that if you don’t want to pay you don’t get to choose without input the time and place of a meal. If you’ve done that be prepared to pay.