<p>Okay - my college freshman son was invited by his 11th grade friend to her prom (not really dating anymore but they did in hs and they still do stuff together when he’s home) . Son is an alumni of this school and she went him to his prom both junior and senior year (when she was a freshman and sophomore). We paid for the tickets, corsage and pictures both years. She has asked him to the prom (she is a junior). The tickets for the prom are pricey, $100 per person because they include a sit down dinner at the country club where the prom is held. Then there’s the after-prom party - tickets are usually around $25 per person. Plus a picture package (we always paid for it but gave her 1/2 of the pictures). We easily shelled out at least $300 each year.</p>
<p>So, now that she has asked him and he’s no longer a student there …who pays?</p>
<p>I feel sort of obligated to offer to pay for all or part of it, knowing that her parents will have to spend at least an equivalent amount on a dress. Any thoughts?</p>
<p>Pay for it. Be a gentleman. Besides, it would be sort of awkward if you request that they pay for everything now just because your son graduated.</p>
<p>You are generous. I think she pays. He, of course, pays for his tux and her corsage, and maybe any after-prom things they do, if she’s OK with that.</p>
<p>I should add that we can’t physically buy the tickets because the school will only sell them to current students. So anything we offer to pay for would probably entail me writing a check to her mom to reimburse them. Though maybe son can get a check to his friend to give to the school by the due date. He will be home on spring break next week. I was thinking about offering to pay for at least the after-prom party. Ugh! This is awkward.</p>
<p>I can see the argument that she invited him, so she pays. I can also see the argument that the gentleman always pays. So, splitting the costs down the middle seems fair to me. The calculation should exclude her dress (obviously your DS shouldn’t have to pay for any part of it), and the corsage (which your DS, as a young gentleman, should pay for).</p>
<p>DD invited someone who was not in her class to the prom. SHE paid for the prom tickets. He graciously volunteered to pay for their share of the limobus ride (which we had planned to have DD pay as well). He got her a beautiful corsage and she got him a nice boutineer (oh that is NOT spelled right). He didn’t go to the after prom events as at their school, really the students in the class to and that’s it. They have a wonderful time!!</p>
<p>I am thinking along those same lines. I feel that making the offer is the right thing to do…this is the South, after all. I feel reasonably certain (knowing her mom) she would turn him down. </p>
<p>Now, should I let him make the offer (knowing as a 19 year old, he might not do it in the way I would want him to but could be a good learning experience) or should I extend the offer to her mom (we did converse about the last two proms)?</p>
<p>He did invite her to a fraternity event a few weeks before the prom and is, of course, paying for the tickets. That might be an opportunity for me to call her mom (on the pretense of making sure she’s okay with daughter attending the fraternity event) and extend the offer.</p>
<p>If he goes to a formal event on campus with $100 tickets with pictures, corsage, and the whole ball of wax, is that something that you’d pick up the cost for? </p>
<p>From your perspective, I think I’d pay the same for high school prom as for any other formal event, based on how you and your son split up social expenses at college. </p>
<p>From your sons perspective, he should consider his cost and the enjoyment of the event. If it’s too much, then he can decline to go.</p>
<p>^^^yeah, I know.
The minefield of cultural expectations is weird and daunting. It seems to be most prevalent in the ritualistic areas of proms, weddings, etc.</p>
<p>As a mother of a son, I was appalled when it was made evident that his HS GF’s parents expected this kid who was taking 4 APs and was a varsity athlete (hence no job) to pay for all social outings. </p>
<p>I told him what I thought about that. They mostly came here to eat and watch movies .</p>
<p>No, I agree. I just want son to do the polite thing. I really don’t think her parents would expect us or son to pay nor would they probably even let us. </p>
<p>And, yes, it would be us paying for this one. He pays for the vast majority of his social events (via the monthly allowance we give him) but this would be a major budget buster for him. He wanted to take her, if she asked, since she was nice enough to accompany him for those two years when she was an underclassman. It’s a small school, so drumming up dates for the prom can be a challenge at times, especially for the girls because a lot of the boys date younger girls.</p>
<p>So there’s really no ongoing relationship, other than the convenience of one having the other around to take to things when he/she needs a date? </p>
<p>I can understand the impulse to be overly polite (Southerner here), but this sets an expensive precedent. She asks, she pays. And I’m sure her parents wouldn’t expect him to pay, but if you ask and they say, “Sure!” then he/you are stuck.</p>
<p>I don’t think polite has anything to do with it. She went to his junior and his senior prom and presumably he asked and he paid. He’s now a college student and she wants him to go to a high school prom…she should pay. He’ll still have to get a tux, purchase a corsage, etc. etc…but dinner, if that is part of the plan, and the tickets are hers since she did the inviting…if he wants to be “polite” then he could pick up the tab for dinner (if that’s before the event.)</p>
<p>No, sorry. I guess I didn’t portray it quite right. They dated during his junior and senior year of high school but decided since he was going off to college that it would make more sense if they weren’t dating anymore (it was never that serious). However, they still talk/text nearly every day and see each other during breaks. They occasionally go hiking together. They get each other holiday gifts and the like. It’s really is an on-going relationship (much to my surprise) and has continued to evolve as they have both matured but I think they are currently more friends than boyfriend/girlfriend.</p>
<p>Son did just tell me that he’s not expected to pay (social norm of his peer group) since she asked him and he doesn’t go to the school anymore. I just feel since her mom and I travel in the same social circle it would be nice for me to offer. If they took me up on it, then I can live with that.</p>
<p>Though the more I read these posts, the more inclined I am to not even go there.</p>
<p>ETA: If I had a daughter and she was asking someone who didn’t go to the school, I wouldn’t expect him to pay either.</p>
<p>I have 2 girls and I expect boys my girls date to be gentlemen. In this case, I would say the girl pays for the tickets. She did the inviting, he paid for his proms already, and this is her prom. When D2 asked a young man from her school to the snow ball, she paid for it (actually I did, she charged it to her school account). </p>
<p>You son may pay for other things, like post prom or limou, but the prom tickets should be on her. I think it would be the case even if they were bf/gf.</p>
<p>My D & her dates for proms/formal dinners have always split the costs, every year, no matter who did the inviting. There were always costs to go around–the bid, the shared limo, the photos (each brought flowers for the date). It sounds different because in your circle, your S paid both years when he invited her & this year, she invited him. I’d say he’s paid more than his share under our rules here where things are split fairly evenly down the middle, but you know your circle better than any of us.</p>
<p>The most I’d offer is to pay half the bill, but don’t see why that should even happen, since the past two years your S paid 100%. Dresses are often not all that much more than tux rentals & they can wear the dresses to other events (in theory at least). In any case, they could always borrow a dress or get one from a consignment store or any number of less expensive options. That’s my take, & I have both a S & a D.</p>
I feel reasonably certain (knowing her mom) she would turn him down. </p>