As our 3 “kids” get older, we are working through some things. We still pay for almost everything.
We pay all lodging costs.
We pay for all reasonable groceries, and all meal out costs, but we pay for at most one alcohol drink per kid per day, and we let them know we don’t expect to pay every day. We also let them know we expect them to eat what they order. I hate paying for a half eaten salad, half eaten dinner, and then dessert. We just returned from vacation and we had 3 over $300 bills in a week, and I think there were 2 over $200. These kids like to eat, but it’s also good “family” time when people may be scattered during the day. Still, that was a very expensive week for us.
If they are hungry between meals, and want to go out, we may or may not pay. We have one who LOVES to get coffee out, get soda out, stop for a little fast food, etc. If we have groceries at home, they get to pay for those little trips. They add up.
We pay for a reasonable number of activities. If we are skiing, we pay for lift tickets, for example. If we are at the beach, we may do snorkeling tour and some other activity. We pay to do what we are willing, and if they want to do more, they can pay. One of our kids would do an expensive thing EVERY day if we were paying, and one would be happy doing almost nothing that costs money.
How do others work these things?
How old are your kids?
When we invite our kids on a family vacation, we expect to pay for almost everything. It’s our invitation. Having said that, our kids also contribute (and neither really has much money). They treat us, cook meals, and don’t expect us to pay for it all.
We pay for the basics…lodging and airfare, rental car. Any expensive extras are on the kids’ dimes…unless we give them as a gift.
We don’t ski so we don’t have expensive equipment or lift tickets.
If you are concerned about these costs…have you considered an all inclusive resort…where drinks, and activities are included?
Just got back from a vacation abroad with our 2 college kids. We pay for it all, absent the kids buying their own souvenir/shopping purchases or if they go out without parents in tow for a coffee or cocktail. Since its the parents paying, we choose restaurants that we feel comfortable with from a cost perspective and, although we’ll ask for input from the kiddos on what restaurant we should try, we have final say. In general, my kids are appreciative and thankful for the meals and such, as typically it means nicer dining than they would do on their own through independent travel or while at school.
I’m in a unique situation where I make more than my parents (early/mid 20s) but Mr R and I vacation with my parents about once or so a year. We’d never eat anywhere where the bill racks up to $200 or $300 so we usually split meal costs where they’ll pay for a dinner and then I will and on and off. There are always leftovers with us but they go home with us and get eaten.
If we go somewhere with a kitchen (we often stay places that don’t have full kitchens) then my parents will generally do a big shopping trip and we’ll pay for any meals out. My parents are much more likely to cook so if we’re eating out, it’s probably at my request and thus it makes sense that I’d pay.
We each pay for our own activities. My dad physically can’t do much so we generally don’t do active things (no skiing, for example) but instead we’ll sight see which is usually pretty low cost or free.
Personally, I’d feel very weird about my parents paying so much for me on vacation. Even when I was in undergrad I was cost-sharing most things with them. But in my family, there is much less of a parent/child divide than there is in many other families.
On the other hand, when we vacation with my in-laws, there is very much that divide and we’re not allowed to pay for anything. I really don’t like it but that’s how things work in their family.
ETA: Also, our vacations are usually pretty cheap. Definitely no vacations abroad or anything like that. We pay for our own airfare and hotel costs (if applicable).
Our deal with D1 (out of college with a good job) is that she pays her airfare, and I cover most of the rest. But if she wants to hit the coffee shop by herself, she buys. We pretty much do most stuff together, so don’t have much conflict. But D2 will be getting out of college and likely going to grad school, so not sure she will be able to afford plane tickets. Not sure yet how I am going to handle that, have been mulling over what is “fair”.
I think it is very controlling to tell an adult child that they have to clean their plate or you won’t pay for dinner. Do you tell that to other, non-related dinner guests? It seems very strange to me.
When we are at the restaurant, we generally pick up the tab, tho S earns a good amount and is only supporting himself. We choose restaurants where we are comfortable with the tab. Generally, no one orders alcohol unless we prod them to, maybe once or twice a trip. For 3 or 4 of us, meals are usually well under $100. If it’s more, we are ok with it too, but generally its for special occasions.
Generally, S has to fly to join us and we are happy to be able afford picking up the tab. We generally pay lodging costs and all share a room. When costs rise, we may have to re-examine.
When we dine with my folks, my dad generally insists on paying but will sometimes allow us and allow us to get desserts. If we are with BIL, we sometimes take turns treating or split the bill.
As of today, I think we will still pay for everything if (this is a big if) we will take a family vacation. (Most likely, we will not.)
Do not know when our kid will start to contribute (maybe at least 7 or 8 years from now, or when he is mid 30s?)
Mommy and Daddy pay. It’s our pleasure to do so. And no, we don’t make them clean their plates.
When we are out to a meal with the kids, we all order in such a way so that everything will be finished. That sometimes mean that I or the spouse order more lightly. It’s different if we are near home and can take leftovers with us; on vacation in a hotel room without a fridge, we don’t have that option. This is different than if we take non-relatives out for a meal; it’s one of the privileges of family to have different rules or expectations (or conversations about the expectations).
We are expecting to take our first family trip since D1 started working at the end of the year. We will cover lodging, joint meal times, and joint expeditions (sounds like we are going to Colorado lol). D1 will be expected to cover her own airfare, but she is earning enough that this is not a burden. No idea what we will do as the years roll by and there are possibly more folks joining in (i.e. significant others)
Our kids are still in college, but 2 will be graduating soon. Two of them drink alcohol on a regular basis. They all wanted to go out to pretty expensive places on our latest vacation. I began feeling slightly “taken advantage of” by one of them, so we cut back on some of the extras we might have paid for previously. For example, I don’t go to Starbucks or Ben and Jerry’s every day, so I don’t feel the need to pay for kid to go every day. I don’t like to spend a lot on airport food at every stop, or by a new magazine every day. We take them on pretty nice vacations, but we Try to be frugal in some areas.
@nottelling, in general I might agree with you about being very controlling by telling the kids they need to eat what they order, but when you watch enough expensive half (or less) eaten meals go to waste, and then that person wants dessert and a Starbucks soon after, you find a way to deal with it. Of course if someone occasionally doesn’t eat what they order, we won’t complain, but if you are ordering a $60 all you can eat lobster dinner, then I’m expecting you to eat more than a couple of bites of lobster, or I would suggest you order something different.
I envy you all. I doubt we’ll ever take these type of family vacations. My kids each have side businesses in addition to their career jobs, one has livestock, and they don’t like to go away overnight. Neither do we, really. However, if I could every make this happen, I would be happy to pay for it all.
Having said that, we don’t do expensive trips, not anything over Texas Roadhouse/Outback level of restaurant, and we usually do take-home boxes if there is anything substantial left on the plate. H, (their step-dad since ages 3 & 5) would get snippy about paying for all this. It’s going to be theirs in the end anyway–I’d like to enjoy some of it with them while they are younger.
@thumper1, thanks for the all-inclusive suggestion. We did one when the kids were younger, but they would probably enjoy it more now.
I am happy to include our kids and happy to pay for them, in most cases. I’m glad they still find time for us, and seem to like to go with us.
Not related to sons/daughters; This reminds me that, many years ago, when our nephew and niece visited us, we made sure they had allowances from us for airport food at every stop. They were grad students but they rarely visited us.
This seems awkward.
Restaurant portions are often very large – more than some people can (or should) consume at one sitting.
Also, when people go out to dinner together, they may feel pressured to order the same number of courses that the other people at the table are ordering. It can be uncomfortable for all concerned if one person is sitting in front of an empty place setting while another eats an appetizer or dessert.
If you’re staying in a place with a refrigerator and if you will be going straight back to the place where you’re staying after the meal, the solution is easy – have the uneaten food boxed up so it can be enjoyed at another meal. But if this isn’t practical, it might be best to just accept uneaten food as something that’s unavoidable when on vacation – and to be pleased that your family members know enough to stop eating when they’re full rather than cleaning their plates.
On a (somewhat) related note – my parents always told me that restaurants make most of their profit off of alcoholic beverages, and I never paid attention because I don’t drink. But now I notice that going out to eat with my daughter and her boyfriend (who never drink anything in a restaurant other than water) is way cheaper than going out to eat with my son, who likes cocktails. I still pick up the tab when I’m with my son, but it stings a bit.
We try to take a summer vacation for a week with our kids. The younger ones are out of school, working, but not in high paying jobs at this point. The older one only is able to join us for a few days, as he lives 1/3 of the way across the country. We pay for everything at this point and are happy to do so. If one or more of them decided to do some sort of extra activity, they would be paying for it.
How is it uncomfortable? We routinely might have meals where maybe H was in the mood for soup and salad before his main course and I just wanted the main course. Or if you’re with a group of people, some want dessert and others don’t. Why would an adult feel pressured to order a course he or she didn’t want?
It would seem like the solution would be to go somewhere that doesn’t have $60 meal options…
I happily give my parents nice gift cards to expensive restaurants that I could afford to go to but never would for a variety of reasons (one of them being that there doesn’t tend to be too many vegetarian options that I can eat at higher end places lol). These are also places that they’d never go themselves because they can’t justify the cost.
We don’t get to vacation (or even visit) with our kids as much as we’d like. Last year we did a long weekend with the whole family, and later a girls-only special getaway. We paid for the basics - hotels, most restaurants, airfare - because we did the inviting. We wanted to give our ds and their SOs the time together as a gift.
When they were little, vacations were mostly visits with extended family, which eventually didn’t seem like much in the way of a vacation. Then it was time to look for colleges. Then it was time to pay for colleges. If I could do the whole thing over, I’d have more family vacations and less extended family visiting. (Lots more and lots less.)
So treating them now is something we’re so glad we can do. I’ll usually announce something during the planning stages like “let’s pick two nicer spots for dinner and then a few more informal places” which my girls know perfectly well means expensive and not-so. My SILs and soon-to-be SIL will grab a check occasionally, but my husband doesn’t like it when they do - he tells them, “wait till I’m retired and then you can take me out.” My ds will get me and their dad a nice gift from somewhere we’ve visited as a thank you.
Restaurant portions are ridiculously large; I don’t think it’s food wasting not to eat what you don’t want. And as for desserts - well, it’s a vacation. My kids do pick up their own magazines, airport meals, coffees, etc., unless I’m ordering at the same time, though often they’ll pay for me when we’re on the same order. If it bugs you that your kids don’t, @1214mom, you can fix it next time by telling them those are the new expectations.
I really do not like a lot of food when we go out. I am just not a big eater in general although I love good food. I just do not like large quantities of it. I often am happy to order an appetizer and a salad. But I must admit that I am uncomfortable doing so in really high end restaurants.
I almost feel like in places where reservations are tough to obtain it is insulting to the server to occupy the table and just order an appetizer. H thinks I am being ridiculous and tells me to order exactly what I please, but somehow I am embarrassed to do so. So I will order an entree and H always eats what I don’t.