.My D and her SO are now fully functioning independent adults. But when we met up with them twice last year I footed the bill for the hotel and the food. First of all it gives me joy. They are appreciative and it’s a genuine thrill for them to eat out in nice places and stay in nice locales. They thank us profusely.
Now if your kids don’t appreciate you footing the bill and it does not give you joy then don’t do it. Simple as that.
We pay for everything, even though our oldest son has a high salary, it’s habit. Our kids aren’t wasteful, though if I encourage them to order the more expensive steak dinner and have a couple of drinks, they might. They will never order the large filet mignon, even if they wanted to. They tend to follow our lead, but do pay attention to price, more than I’d expect. Both of them will probably pay for whatever they are doing on vacation on their own, if we aren’t there to pay for it. I’m not sure why, I expect to pay for things.
I have no problem ordering appetizers and splitting an entree to save room for dessert if that’s what H and I want to do. Generally all of us eat what we order–if D can’t finish her food, she generally passes it to S who is happy to help her. We haven’t been surprised by high restaurant bills and wasted food–that would bug me after a little while.
Our kids are happy with a variety of eating places–inexpensive casual ethnic and more expensive nicer food. Dessert really depends on how full folks are and what the offerings are. We generally don’t go to coffee shops, as none of us are that crazy about coffee.
When traveling with my kids (both out of college and employed), we usually pay for food and lodging. I huess it’s habit snd we really dont mind. That being said, my kids will very often pick up the tab for dinner when we are ttaveling They enjoy visiting us at our vacation place where I rarely cook because there are lots of great restaurants in the area. The kids often take us to dinner when they are visiting us there.
You know, my first thought is that perhaps your kids need to understand and “feel the burn” of dropping a lot of cash on something that is wasted. I cannot imagine my kids ordering large meals that they had no intent to eat. I mean, if you’re not really hungry, why order the all you can eat lobster? You know how hungry you are when you order! You don’t normally get LESS hungry waiting for food! I think they are not appreciating the opportunity to eat out AND are not appreciating the cost that you spent on all those meals. Now, if it was their cash…maybe they have gotten a little too comfortable with your pocketbook being ready???
Restaurant meals can really be more food than you can eat. We (by mutual decision when this happens) often do not order a full meal for each person. If there are four of us, we might just order three full meals and ask for an extra plate. Why waste food? Rarely do we get charged for that extra plate.
When we go on vacation we usually aim to purchase or prepare 2 meals a day - usually a big breakfast and dinner. A late night snack sometimes. This works really well for us. We ALWAYS travel with snacks - fruit, trail mix, skinny pop - whatever - there is always a snack to grab. We might stop for ice cream or a coffee, but we just don’t do it daily. It’s not special if it’s a daily thing.
Sounds like you should gently plan some strategy for the next trip. I could NOT be enjoying a meal out if my $$$ was being thrown out in the trash!
We seem to be far out of the mainstream here, but over Christmas when we vacationed with our two 20-somethings who make significantly more than their father and I, we split most everything. It was at the kids instigation. They know we are still paying for the youngest’s college and they are grateful for the support we gave them through college. I admit it feels a little awkward. I would love to have the resources to treat them. But, I am glad that they want to be together enough to share the costs.
Back when my husband and I - as well as my sister and her husband - were still getting established, my parents would rent a house at the beach for all of us to share. They picked up the tab, but my sister and I did a lot of the cooking (which was fun). We never ate out. As we got older, it moved to my sister and I each paying 25% and my parents paying half and most of the groceries. In my parent’s last years, my sister and I split the housing and they bought the groceries. The last time it was just my mom, and we paid for everything - still didn’t eat out as she had dementia and it would have stressed her. It all just evolved naturally.
Those vacation memories are so dear. My kids grew close to their cousins and their grandparents. It was the best thing my parents ever gave us. And I think those last vacations were amazing for them too - they basked in the attention of their family, and spent long hours relaxing on the porch of the rental, just holding hands with each other. I’m so glad my sister and I could repay them at that time.
D1 actually makes more than us at age 27!! And we aren’t low income. Haha So she often picks up the tab. It is often a duel between H and D1.
D1 expressed to me, however, that she was annoyed that her two siblings, adults, sat back and allowed us, and her, to pay for meals w/o offering anything when we were visiting at her place in NYC recently.
I told them this and got all sorts of shock and explanation. Hope they learned.
I think it is important that people learn to pay for themselves. My sister and ex were very wealthy. Everyone expected them to pay. Except H and I. We always paid our share, sometimes well beyond our means.
My parents still pay for our joint vacations, even though I’m 53 and my sister is 50! My parents have done really well and like treating us. I hope we can do the same for our kids.
DS once said he paid more attention to price than his GF did.
This is understandable because her parents can afford to retire 10+ years younger than we can, her family may take vacations much more frequently than we do. Also, they have been visiting her much more frequently than we have visited our son, even though her parents live much farther from the campus than we do.
But this is his problem if it is one, not ours.
OP here. The entire food thing is not really that big a deal for us. We just gently remind the one who has the habit of wasting a lot of food that if she wants dessert she may want to skip the appetizer, for example. We don’t get in line with her at Starbucks, or offer to pay, unless we want to. We buy alcohol for our room, but we limit their restaurant alcohol comsumption. They don’t complain.
I rarely eat everything on my plate (unless the course consists of a single scallop or something), and, the more courses I order, the more I try to discipline myself to leave room for upcoming courses. So, there are plenty of half eaten courses at my place. Plus, if I don’t like something, I definitely do not finish it. Finally, there are some foods that I really can only eat a few bites of, lobster being one of them. Or chocolate desserts. Just too rich! I guess I shouldn’t dine with the OP!
But then again, any pressure in my family would have been the other way; I would likely have gotten pointed looks from my mother if I polished off the entire Porterhouse steak or chocolate souffle at a restaurant dinner. Or, the pointed, “Are you really going to eat all of that cheese?” So that’s not really any better in terms of family dynamics. And though I wouldn’t voice it out loud, I’d probably internally be having those sorts of thoughts with my own daughter, much more than I would think: “I paid for the 5-lb. lobster and you’d better eat the whole thing, dammit.” In fact the very last time we ate together, I had to bite my tongue to avoid saying, “Are you really going to eat all of those sweet potato fries?” So, I’m controlling, too.
My daughter is still in college so I still pay for everything, and I expect to continue to do so for group activities unless and until her household income exceeds mine, in which case I expect the dynamic will change. But, after she has some income, I expect that if we are on vacation with her and her boyfriend, say, and they want to go to dinner by themselves one night, I’d expect that to be on their own tab, and not charged to the room. Same with nightcaps at the bar, if I’m not present (though my daughter is still under 21 so that hasn’t come up yet.)
Well this is a timely thread, since we are smack in the middle of this situation, and more like my3girls situation. This year its a little different from other trips as we are all coming in from different places and the “kids” are kinda coming and going. Until this year, we paid for just about everything (except airfare when they were meeting us somewhere). The last ski trip we took, they kept trying to pay for stuff and we wouldn’t let them, so they bought groceries and made meals and cleaned up. We also had buy one/get one free lift tickets so it all worked out.
This year DS#2 and his girlfriend came in to town a day early to see a friend and then came out to the slopes with us for a day and a half. They left today and are meeting up with DS#1 and his wife, gave them the rental car and DS#1 and wife are on their way out here. We paid for DS#2 and gf’s rental equipment and lift tix, which turned out to be outrageously expensive as he didnt know til close to the time of the trip how long they were staying so didnt get lift tix in advance. DS#1 and wife bought their own lift tix on line, and in fact, this year, bought me a 4 day pass and then I will get an extra day pass form their season pass buddy pass deal. DH gets military discounts so he gets his own. DS#2 bought all of us dinner last night (including DHs friend who is on the trip with us for a few days).The friend I think offered to contribute but I dont think DS let him. We are fortunate that both DS’s are doing very well and are able to do this, and he wanted to thank DH for buying the $$$$ lift tickets (they jacked up the price even more for the holiday weekend!)
We are leaving a few days before DS#1 and wife, whose friends are coming in the day we leave and staying for 3 days. So DS#1 and wife paid us for the 3 extra days of the condo. We didn’t argue with them.
So we are working through this transition as we shift who pays for what.
We do a whole family vacation once a year. Last year it was to Disney which was one of the most expensive ones we’ve done, and that includes trips to Europe and Mediterranean cruises! It was fabulous, and my H and I paid for everything. We are happy that our 5 Ds and their significant others and grandkids want to spend a vacation with all of us together. I hope we can continue to do it for a long long time! It isn’t always easy to schedule but so far it has worked. This year’s is currently being planned. We also do a long weekend with everyone to visit my parents. I can’t imagine commenting to my adult children about how much they should eat or drink. I didn’t do it when they were young, why would I do it now.
We do have an unwritten rule that everyone drinks water. That saves a good bit for my parents! They’re teetotalers, so I wouldn’t want to drink alcohol around them, anyway.
I would like to rent a place on a lake in upstate New York and pay airfare for both kids and SOs to join us there but my husband says, “It’s not sustainable.” Yeah, but neither am I.
We invite, we pay. The kids are appreciative, rarely ask for anything out-of-the-ordinary (if anyone suggests upscale dining its us, not the kids) and our daughter, who earns more than we do right now, reciprocates with especially nice gifts. Still, these can be pricey trips – but we’ll do them as long as we can afford them, and as long as it’s possible for all 4 of us to be together. One of these days they’ll have SOs, spouses and kids… and everything will become much more complicated. For now, it’s all good.
Wonderful to have the patterns of family vacations established as habit for the years going forward. I visit family, visit my kids during time abroad, and pay for meals and the occasional hotel, but aside from a camping trip this summer, we have not been able to do much true vacationing due to scheduling issues.
This brings back a memory of going alone to Scotland when S was a toddler, for my grandmothers’ 90th BD party. My dad wanted to go to the Highlands for a few days with his wife, my brother and me. H and I had just bought our first house, money was tight, and the travel alone a major splurge. The first evening my dad said, “how are we going to divide expenses?” I was floored, and felt stuck paying for my share of higher end hotels and meals that I’d not be able to justify normally. (Yes, we’re Scottish, and the reputation holds, at least in my family). That aside, it is one of my fondest memories, as we never had time like that together again.
Again, being parsimonious, I would have a hard time watching food ordered and wasted, as a matter of respect and principle. My offspring always had water only when they were young, though we all might get one drink these days.
I do think there has been a culture shift in the last 25 years or so, and my kid’s generation goes out to eat a great deal, where I see it as a less frequent luxury. Years ago, we’d cook and entertain more often than going out. However I’ve lived in smaller cities than some, so am perhaps not seeing the entire picture.
Notteling, I appreciate the honesty of your post.
I echo @musicamusica: paying for my children on trips gives me joy. More joy than almost anything except the fact of being with them.
We recently took a family trip to Europe (2 adult children with no significant others). We told them we’d pay for their airfare, and anything else we would have paid for ourselves had we traveled alone (rental car, hotel, etc.). They paid for remainder (We evenly split food costs, attractions, trains, etc.). The airfare and lodging were the main expenses, but this method also gave everyone the freedom to eat, drink, see or do whatever they wanted. I think we all felt it was successful. Traveling with adult children? Priceless!