It may also make a difference as to how many people are involved. As the total numbers rise, prices do too. So far, it’s H, me, and our two “kids” who are in their mid-late 20s. Right now, we can easily afford being hosts and enjoy it, so it hasn’t been an issue.
When they have SOs and maybe some grandkids, more logistics and costs, so we will see how that goes. I predict it may be quite a few years before we have SOs to consider, but who knows?
We also happily pay for our adult kids. As of now, only S1 is “capable” of paying as S2 is still in college (although graduating this May - yea!). It has been a great joy traveling with them throughout their lives and feel very fortunate that we have been able to work out scheduling, etc as they have gotten older.
Our only “rule” , so to speak, is we do not bring significant others on big trips. S1 is in a very serious long-term relationship but until they are engaged or maybe even married, we will continue to travel as a happy foursome! Both boys actually prefer this (for now) as they realize the dynamic changes when a SO is present and they enjoy our time with just us 4 as much as we do.
We do own a beach house where we are happy to host anyone and everyone. We also pay for food, beer, wine, etc there but if they choose to go out to dinner or bars, they pay for themselves.
Harvestmoon - your H is right. Order an appetizer and salad if that’s all you want. The restaurant is there to serve you, not the other way around.
Last time we went on a family vacation, two of our kids offered to pay their share. They both make more than we do, but we’re comfortably well off and they are going to need their money for things like college for their kids. We’re done. But the third could not afford a vacation like that so we paid for all three. I would much rather spend our money now watching them enjoy things and spending time with them than leave it to them.
They are all extremely appreciative. We will pay for dinners when all together but if they are on their own, they wouldn’t ask us for anything. I even had a hard time getting them to let us pay for their excursions. They order reasonably, although they do drink so it’s not cheap. But it’s our pleasure.
But I say pay only what you are comfortable with. If it’s going to put a strain on the budget, then watching them leave a lobster on the plate is going to put a strain on the relationship.
I have one older teen kid that often orders too much food when we eat out so I sympathize with OP about that issue. Often he consumes the appetizer and drink and then is too full to eat the entree. We usually take left overs home but many things are not good the next day.
For me, it is not about being part of the clean your plate club. It is just frustrating to watch someone be wasteful because they were careless when they were ordering.
You’re lucky your kids go on vacation with you. My older son, college senior, hates vacations. Do you find the ones working have enough time off that they’re okay using limited time off doing a family trip?
We took d and 2 of her friends with us last year and paid for all of them, except for tshirts or any shopping they did which was minimal.
@Wellspring, just tell your kids the trip is not a regular thing due to expense, but that you would love to do it once.
My parents used to rent a condo in a vacation area for about a month over spring break time (usually a bit outside the main area to save money). They encouraged us kids along with spouses and grandkids to come when our kids had spring break. We paid our own transportation costs and for activities (ski tix, theme parks, etc). Occasionally my dad would pay for some outing (airboat on driver in Florida, for example). We pretty much always ate in, but I at least would try to pick up some groceries and do some cooking (my brothers… not so much). But with no lodging cost, it was still cheaper for us.
@eyemamom - so far, it’s worked out well because we’ve gone at Christmas time. S1 has had off Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. Buffered by weekends, we have been able to go for 10 days with him only needing to take off 3-4 days. He has only been out of college since 2013, so things could certainly change as his career evolves.
Not sure how this will work this year as my college senior will start working this summer. His vacation policy may not be as generous, so time will tell.
We are evolving. D1 is not 5 years out and making very good money. For the first few years out I paid for everything, included her airfare on family vacations. In the last few years she has been paying for her own airfare. This year we are going to a family wedding in Bermuda. She and her BF are coming and they are paying for everything. We are going for a long weekend to South beach for a birthday party, I think D1 will make her own plans as well. I usually pick up the tab when we go out to dinner, especially expensive ones. D1 used to sit back and allowed me to pay for everything. I had a discussion few years ago with her that as a guest to me (or anyone else), it is polite to take the host out for one or two meals. She has been doing that since.
For our annual extended family vacation, I still pay for room and board and D1 gets herself there. I am still full pay with D2 until she is self supporting. We usually go to all inclusive resorts, so the young adults can eat and drink as much as they want. They can also eat when they want. It is a lot less stressful.
D2 tells me that whenever she goes out with her older sister, D1 pays for everything. D1 will also take out her cousins when they come into NYC. There was a funny story when D1 invited them out to dinner at a nice restaurant. She didn’t say she was paying, so when the bill came her cousins were all wondering how they were going to pay for it. There were relieved when D1 picked it up.
I have always paid for my parents - dinners, vacations, etc. My kids know at some point it will be their turn.
I find it very interesting that in most of the posts the parents will/are still paying the entire vacation costs for their adult out-of-college children. I came from a blue-collared background where once we earned our own money (even in high school), we were responsible for our own expenses except for an occasional dinner out. Our first “family” vacation was a trip to CA when I was 19 for a cousins wedding, and I believe we all paid for our own airfare, attraction fees, and chipped in for the hotel room. Two of my three kids are now out of college and I hope to go on a family vacation in the next year. Since I am the one who wants to do this, I plan on paying for the airfare and hotel rooms, and probably the dinners. I don’t think this will be something I will do (or can afford to do) yearly. Hopefully though, even if we pay for ourselves, I do hope we plan to have family vacations together in the future.
Husband and I plan the trips, and we pay for D (and sometimes her SO) to come with us. Now that D has a job that pays well, she often picks up a meal or two - but that’s just a bonus. I don’t assume she’s going to pay and I’m just thrilled when she offers. Actually, I’m just thrilled that she still wants to vacation with us!
Usually we cover lodging and food (and usually airfare, too.) I don’t feel that D “takes advantage” of our hospitality - she’s pretty frugal herself and is appreciative of the money/time we spend. It would drive me a little crazy if she wasted food or just expected me to pay for extra lattes whenever she wanted one.
I think it comes down to expectations and family dynamics, When D was younger (and I had a better job!), we took nice vacations as a family (Europe, Hawaii). Obviously we paid for everything then, since D was a child, but on those trips we kind of established a routine for our family vacations: fun activities but modest meals (except for an occasional splurge) and lots of family time (but time to pursue separate interests too).
This has all been a very interesting read. I grew up as the child of a single mom. I don’t think she ever earned more than $40K/year. She was always GREAT about somehow magically making money appear for at least a one week trip in the summer when we were kids. Looking back, the vacations stopped pretty much (understandably!) when we entered college.
In college and then beyond into young adulthood/early marriage, I remember encountering families our age who seemingly took amazing summer vacations with their parents every summer. Initially I was impressed ( we were in the early scrimping and saving for a house, in vitro, etc. stage) but very soon I learned that some parents continued to pay for vacations for their adult children in college and beyond. I was floored! People did this? How awesome!
Even now in my late 40’s I am aware that we have friends whose parents still rent an awesome vacation on the beach or the slopes and pay for almost everything except maybe the flight or travel. It brings on a few wistful thoughts:
-I can’t wait to BE a parent like that! We have an only child and we hope to be able to pay for a trip or two as she moves through young adulthood and into early marriage. It may be our only way of spending more than a few days with her and her family. We will be able to afford it financially and it would be a nice gift for them.
-some rules would need to be established…I would think she and her SO would be able to pay for food and such. I would hope they wouldn’t order up massive amounts of food and drinks at meals and run up the tab.
For all of you who do this, how long will you continue to do this? What about when kids are 30? 40?
DS #1and wife arrived last night. They booked their own airfare so they paid for that. Ditto for younger son. But if we had booked their air travel we would have paid. They are our guests.
Youngest is in college, older child is working but she and SIL make a lot less than H and I. We treat and are happy to.
Every family is different financially and expectations can be different. Vacations have always been important to my family. I don’t necessarily want to give up on it or go to a cheaper place because my kids couldn’t afford it while they are starting out.
@HarvestMoon1 what I do sometimes is have two appetizers one as the main course. Restaurants are usually happy to oblige. It’s particularly useful if you are going somewhere that you can’t drag around a doggie bag.
My parents arranged a few family vacations to the Caribbean when our kids where younger. They paid for room, board and flights. We paid for snorkeling equipment and tours we did on our own. It was lovely. We pay for our kids. The younger one’s friends will usually cook a meal for us, but mostly they are just grateful.
As far as who pays when D and her spouse are older? It’s my sincere wish that in future they can afford to take us on vacation. 
And at the same time I hope that I can still afford it as well. Our family has never really gone on resort sort of vacations. We tend to travel instead. We do what we can afford at the time. Sometimes its roughing it at camp grounds and at other times it’s ritzing it up in Paris. D has not always come along. But when she has it increases our pleasure. So who knows what the future holds. Maybe they will pay and maybe we will pay. Things work out.
I do think there is something to be said for everyone having a little skin the vacation game. Whether your level of vacation is a long weekend camping or a week at a luxurious resort. If your “kids” are adults, then it should also be second nature - what they learned - to do the “dance” of being a good host or guest or just participant (equal) on a trip!
Any one who has a trip paid for them - regardless of age whether 5 or 25 - should be grateful and thankful for the gift. And show it in being conscious and respectful of the person providing the trip - to me, ordering extravagant food that you do not eat (I’m not talking about every morsel on the plate) is not being respectful of the gift of dinner. You know how hungry you are when you order. You know how to order creatively (maybe just an appetizer and then a dessert if you aren’t super hungry but want a sweet). Same would go for a ski lift ticket - thinking you’re kind of tired and not up for more than an hour of skiing? Maybe that’s a day you should pass.
Any participant should contribute in some way. Pay for one of the meals. Buy the groceries for the dinner. Cook the dinner with the groceries someone else bought. Be the one to unload all the car stuff into the beach house. If you are doing nothing then chances are, someone else on that vacation is NOT having the best vacation - because they are picking up all the slack or paying for everything to be done!
I do not live in a world where we can or have taken lots of luxurious vacations. We have managed a couple of “big” vacations and when I asked our adult kids to come along I told them what we could cover and what they would be responsible for off the bat - they are working - like us - and need to learn to budget for vacation - like us.
I hope that when we are older - and continue to enjoy vacations with our adult kids and their families - even if they ask US, that we would agree to go and contribute what we can. That’s me.
Interesting thread! It strikes me as very similar to different scenarios of who pays for college - i.e. parent for full tab, kid provides housing or book funds, undergrad by parent, grad school by kid alone, and all possible combinations of the above. To me, it seems the “best” answer lies in the personalities and financial abilities of the parties involved. It also seems that family vacation financing could be an evolving entity, if a family doesn’t get locked in a rigid “tradition” of some sort.
Looking back, my mother had definite ideas on the subject. I was to come visit them at their home (no fun family vacation location involved). I would pay my own way - then she would present me with a reimbursement as a magnanimous gift. The pattern, which I find a bit offensive, continues to this day. The reimbursement “gift” when I attended my father’s funeral was included in a “Thank you for being here” note that she handed me as I was about to board my plane. I have no problems paying my own airfare and although her gesture is meant to be generous, it always comes off as quid pro quo - not a loving, caring thought.
I wanted my relations with my adult kids to be on a different level. So far, we’ve been able to pay for vacations that we all plan and enjoy. My kids are generous in expressing their pleasure and in spending time with “ole Mom”, so I love these times. As their incomes rise, I’ll be happy to let them take on some more meal expenses, etc - I want to offer them the adult role that I never felt from my birth family.
Mine are 30 - 35. Plus two of them have wives and children. I will continue to do this when it’s my desire that they spend time with me. I know two of them can afford it but it’s still my pleasure to do it. I can either enjoy my time with them or leave them the money. I would much rather watch them enjoy it. They won’t need my money any more when I’m gone than they do now. One of them expecially will pick up a tab for a meal if he beats us to it. Seems to me to be a sign of appreciation of the whole trip. I’m glad to let him. They are are always happy to go and make time even if they don’t have much vacation. That, to me, is worth every penny I spend.