@cupcake…my in-laws also expect us to pay for everything. They make vacation plans to visit friends across the country and think we should pay for it even though we aren’t invited! They want us to pay for their airfare, meals and excursions. sigh…
So this just happened to us. We went on vacation with the IL’s and my D came. IL’s are proud that they want to split everything (because their other dil has parents that want the kids to pay for all and order the most expensive items, drives mil crazy).
So we go to a nice restaurant and IL’s invite their neighbor who happens to be where we were also. So 6 people. H and D order the cheapest items on the menu, order water, no upgraded salad. I (who has been to this rodeo before 
) ordered a medium priced entree, had a cocktail and upgraded their salad.
The IL’s both ordered wine, expensive entrees and ungraded salads as did their neighbor. One bill comes (the only place on vacation that never asked how we wanted the bill) and H freaks over the cost of the meal and wants to split the cost in half. D takes the bill, adds up our costs and it was $40 less than half.
At this point I go to the bathroom and quit listening. D is annoyed because they ordered much more expensive items yet dad offers to split (also we had run out of cash and had to ask her for some).
I have no idea how much H gave his dad. It doesn’t matter but all of us would rather have split checks. I went to the ATM and reimbursed D.
Well that was long. D came with us on vacation. We ended up paying for most of her expenses and dinners. She paid for a few things and her airfare. We were happy to have her with us but she would have been happy to pay for her own stuff too.
Re: separate checks
I’ve noticed a new trend lately…kiosks at the table that allow you pay the check without involving the waiter. One of the questions it asks when you are ready to pay is whether you want to split the bill into separate checks.
“My parents are retired. They invite me on vacation with them in the expectation that I will pay for everything, their expenses and mine, once we arrive.”
“my in-laws also expect us to pay for everything. They make vacation plans to visit friends across the country and think we should pay for it even though we aren’t invited! They want us to pay for their airfare, meals and excursions. sigh…”
Is this a taste as to what’s to come with these parents and in-laws? When they need caregivers, are they expecting their families to step up and take care of them?
Our D. stays in our condo for free and we offer the same to our S. and his family. We do not go on vacations with them. They pay for the rest, tickets, food, whatever.
Wow–would not be happy to be EXPECTED to pick up tab for others. That’s quite an onerous burden. I like to offer to pick up the tab for a meal or two but not EVERYTHING! That can be quite a financial hit. Our kids get their own plane fares and we buy meals and lodging and car rental.
I have a married D and son-in-law and we often visit each other or travel to a regional getaway together.
We have managed fine by each couple paying for our own rooms when traveling. When we eat out, we typically rotate which couple pays for meals. If H and I really want to treat for some reason, I will hand my credit card to the waitress on my way to the rest room.
When we visit each others’ homes, some meals are prepared by the homeowners.
It tends to work out fine – so far as I know, anyway!
For the families who have parents and in-laws who expect to be treated 100%, is this possibly a cultural difference? Is there much “guilting” going on? I don’t know what I would do in that circumstance. You don’t want to be taken advantage of or taken to the poorhouse, but it’s tricky to cut off all contact with them if they’re really clueless and/or insistent.
Last summer we took an Alaska cruise with D and her BF. We paid half of her cruise fare, they paid the other half plus his full fare. IIRC correctly, we kicked in $100 or so toward their airfare. They paid for their own excursions except I took D as my guest to tea at the Empress. On board they paid for their own drinks. Most food is included, and it was really wonderful to have a beautiful dinner with them every night without ever considering who’d pay.
When she/they visit here, we mostly eat at home and we don’t ask them to pay for groceries. When she goes out with hometown friends, obviously she pays. When the four of us go out, generally we pay.
When we visited them last year, we took turns paying. I did notice that when it was their turn, the places tended to be lower-cost places. 
But that’s ok.
When I go out with my mom, Inckuding going on vacation, I almost always pay - and I don’t expect her to clean her plate and she can order as many drinks and desserts as she wants
However, sometimes she really wants to take me or my family out. In that case, even my kids now know to go easy on things. She is on a very limited fixed income
With some family members we just split things and it all comes out in the wash. I have one relative who generally tries to pay for things, but she really doesn’t have much money. I try to find ways to get her to not pay, but sometimes it’s just easier to go along.
When my father was alive, my parents never reached for their for their wallet when they were with us (my siblings. I has been going on for 30+ years. Last weekend when my mom and I went out to CA, I paid for her luggage, her meals from the airport, food on the plane, etc. Since my father passed away, I know my mom’s net worth, so every once in a while when we are out I would ask her to pick up the tab.
When I go out with my kids and their SO, I would usually pay for all meals. Sometimes D1 and her BF would treat. Last weekend D2 and her best friend came home to NYC. She invited D1 and her BF out to brunch with them. I asked D1 who paid. D1 said, “Of course I paid. I couldn’t ask college kids to pay.” I think D2 knew her sister would treat. My other nephews and niece would do the same. Whoever is working and has money would usually pay for other cousins who are not working yet.
Yes, our S is generous with his cousins and sister because he has a good job while his sister and most of his cousins are in school or struggling financially.
Two of my siblings would never be able to go to a restaurant if I didn’t pay. So I almost always do. We actually rarely go out, but sometimes I’ll invite them to go out, and I know that I need to pay or they will have to pass. I really don’t mind. I have a lot of discretionary funds available that I almost never dip into. So it’s not a big imposition.
I’m taking another sibling to a musical which will be touring here soon. I’m presenting it as a birthday gift. I’m hoping they will at least buy me a glass of wine at the theater.
I’m fortunate that my sibs and I are all financially comfortable enough For everyone to pay their share and chip in to pay for our folks when we have a dinner or other meal with extended family.
We just visited our youngest and her BF. H picked up the tab for all the meals. BF paid for his own drinks at the street fair. The BF used to offer to pay but my H has made it clear that we appreciate the offer but it’s our treat. BF will usually bring a special beer from a microbrewery when we visit or they come to us.
A few weeks ago we went out with our other children. H picked up the tab. When we go out with my ILaws they always pick up the tab.