I think it is easier if everyone just pay with credit card instead of cash from some people. If you have 4 people out to dinner, and one person decides to pay with cash then you either divide the cash up to give to 3 other people or you give the cash to the waiter then divide up the rest of the bill three ways on the credit card. It is only easier if everyone pays cash, except for one person to pay with CC.
Oh yeah, one time we went to a going away party for W’s co-worker. We didn’t drink and had a couple of cheap entrees, total less than $40. Meanwhile alcohol was flowing freely for everybody else. We decided to leave after our meal since others were setting in for serious drinking, and I threw in $100 for our share.
As we’re leaving one of the organizers comes running up to us to beg for more money - they had gotten the bill and apparently it was looking like $300+ per person! I gave him another $50 and that was when I decided I’d always get a separate bill in the future for big gatherings like that.
I’m not a fan of boozy gatherings where folks are all supposed to “chip in.” Neither I nor my nuclear family drink much and I am not interested in subsidizing folks who want to–seems much cleaner just to pay my own bill.
When I was younger and poorer I did not want the other person’s charge on my card.
Now I would probably be glad not to stop at an ATM soon for cash.
OK, I have racked my brain and I cannot for the life of me think of a single time that I have been asked
if I wanted separate checks. Not a brunch, lunch or dinner. Not fancy or not fancy places.
It is OK to ask but have never been asked. In general GF’s just do the math and give the waiter cash or card.
When it is couples for dinner it is typically split evenly. If there is a gross difference the higher spender
offers to cover the tip or throw more in.
I have been asked by servers many times–in HI and while traveling.
If I’m not asked and it matters to me, I let the server know right away, so things are as straight-forward as possible for everyone. Often, it really doesn’t matter to me one way or another, but especially when there is a larger group, servers I’ve had often ask.
This is more related to the original post, but somewhat related to dividing the check posts.
Several years ago three generations got together in the mountains of NC to celebrate the grandparents’ big anniversary. It was a neutral location somewhat equidistant to each family. We chose a resort that had several types of accommodations. We each chose the type of room or cabin that fit our budget and family size.
Oldest generation: the couple and their best man (uncle to the next generation)
Next generation: four married kids + spouses
Youngest generation: the 9 grandkids (ages 10-20)
Some stayed 5-6 days while others were only there for four. The resort provided breakfast each morning. For each of four nights, one family chose a restaurant and paid for all for that dinner. So, we each were responsible for a dinner but could choose one to fit our budget.
The resort had a pool, pavilion, organic garden, row boats, canoes, hammocks. It was my favorite vacation with H’s family. It was low stress and we had lots of quality time with each other. I wish we could repeat it, but the grandparents aren’t well and the youngest group is now quite busy.
I don’t know that I’ve ever been asked. If I needed it, I’d request it.
205 - what a nice solution! A tip for anyone planning something similar: comsider an all-inclusive resort. :)
My wife at one time was pretty upset about how her mother was treated by her nephew and niece (i.e., her mom’s grandkids.)
Her brother’s family live in the house owned by her mother for free for their whole life. There are two floors (both owned by her mother) and her mother lives on one floor and her brother’s family live on another floor. When the niece and the nephew were toddlers, her mother took care of them so that both parents could go to work without hiring a babysitter.
Now the nephew and the niece have grown up and both have their jobs. On one mother’s day, the nephew and the niece invited their mother to eat at a restaurant WITHOUT inviting their grandmother! (What was also troublesome here was their parents did not correct them.)
At one time, when the nephew and the niece were college students, they were visiting us (staying at our house for 2+ months, I think.) The first time we ate at a restaurant, one of them ordered the most expensive entry on the menu. They also hinted to us that they prefer to go to Disneyland in another state rather than merely an entertainment park in our state (all expenses on us); when we refused due to its cost (it was about the time I would soon lose my job and they knew it), they were very disapointed. They never offerred to help in the house during those 2 months. They rarely got up before noon. Often times, they complained that the food my wife cooked was not authentic and delicious enough. At one time, my wife got so upset after they had criticized her cook that she threw all the already cooked food into the garbage can and then gave each of them $10 to eat at a fast food joint (she still needed to drive them there though. I was at work at that time.) My wife complained about them for almost one month after they had finally left. Oh…I heard that recently one of them came to the state partly for business trip and partly for vacation (for more than a week.) He did not bother to give us a call (We found this out by accident long after his trip.) Really the “always me, me, me” generation. (Hopefully, we have not pampered our own kid so much and accidentally turned him into such a kid.)
Regarding to who pay for the bill, we do not think there is anything fundamentally wrong that we always pay for the meals for our nephew/niece (when they are college students with no income.) But we expect a certain behavior when they are guests. Oh…at one time, we talked about some controversial topic. When the niece disagreed with me, she said to my face: You had better get out of here immediately for your own good; otherwise you would hear something very unpleasant from me. (It was in the living room of my home.)
@mcat2 My niece and nephew had a somewhat impromptu stay with us for a week while they were in high school. We were sitting around in a hotel room all together with their parents when it was decided they’d come stay with us. I said sure, but I have certain rules. And I laid it out: “You eat what I give you without complaining, and if you don’t like it just don’t eat it but then you’re on you’re own. You follow house rules including cleaning up after yourselves. And everybody is polite and respectful at all times.”
Everybody looked at me like, “whoah, what got into him!” But I just shrugged and said I was setting expectations up front for everybody in case they didn’t like my rules. Turned out they’re great kids and we had no issues, but they knew what to expect going in!
This March will be my first spring break in 20 years where we don’t have one or more children who want to go on vacation - my high schooler will go on training trip for his sport, so yippie, I’m free. I’ve booked a large suite at a hotel in a warm location for ten days. H is joining me four days into the trip for duration, so I’ve asked three friends to join me for the first four days. I told them that I’ll pay for the room, since I’m there anyway. They bought their own airline tickets, and they’ll split dinner three-ways, not four. I’ll pay for room service breakfasts and incidentals charged to the room. I’m renting the car - which I need either way. I’m not expecting any problems with these gals about money - everyone is more apt to want to pay more than their share rather than less in order to avoid hard feelings. We do the same on family trips, although one family member complains about expensive meals, even though he can afford them. Everyone else prefers fine dining, but we have a few casual dinners to appease him. I would not go on an extended trip with this person, however - a weekend is my limit.
It’s important that everyone understands the financials beforehand, but it’s also important that everyone is like-minded. If all parties want to slice and dice every expense down to the penny in order to be fair, that’s fine, or if everyone has the attitude that it will more or less even out in the end, that’s fine too.
It’s awesome when things work so nicely like that.
With the other side of the family, I don’t have the luxury that we understand the financials and definitely not like-minded. The other side is defiantly not apt to pay more than their fair share.
It does get embarrassing at times come the end of a meal at a restaurant - even to the point where penny-pinching crosses into the category of uncouth.
As such, I’ve never asked the other side of the family to go on nice trips like you describe as I’d be subsidizing a vacay that they could certainly afford.
There…got that off my chest.
Hope you have an awesome time on your trip with friends and family.
Since his parents retired, my spouse financially supports them, his younger siblings just see them as his responsibility though they are quite well off and not miserly in general. He doesnt mind though he would like it if they pitched in, he is not the one to ask.
In my birth family, all siblings pitch in to pay for our parents, no set rules but we make it work so it’s fair to all according to our incomes.
We intend to pay for our kids even after they are employed as all expense paid vacations may incentivize them and their spouses to come more often.
We don’t make kids clean their plates now and wouldn’t do it later though we encourage them to order smartly, order more if needed and pack leftovers for home.
“When I was younger and poorer I did not want the other person’s charge on my card.
Now I would probably be glad not to stop at an ATM soon for cash.”
I would have been fine volunteering to be the one with the card. I’ll get the miles, and now I don’t have to stop at a bank to get cash. Win win for me!
Our kids are newly, barely, independent so we will definitely cover them on big vacations for a while. Like other people have said, it encourages them to travel and have a good time with us.
Recently H and I met my sister in Ireland for a week. We paid for the place we stayed at, the rental car, and most meals. She has less money and I’m happy to treat her. It’s worth it to spend time with someone you love and don’t get to see often enough. I would buy her plane ticket if she’d let me!
I am still catching up on this, reading about the restaurants and splitting checks. Everyone has their spending and cheap areas, many years ago, DH and I got cheap on eating out when we moved to a small town with “meh” restaurants. I am that water & a side salad person and I have many times been in a group with separate checks & had a bill less than half of the rest. I don’t like splitting evenly as eating out is one place I choose to keep small in my budgeting. I had friends who ordered wine & liked to split the bill, hated that. I can see the point of it being easy, being a “math brain” person the numbers are not hard for me, but i can see it might be be annoying; however, in my experience, the person who likes to split evenly is usually not the one choosing to conserve money in their restaurant choices 
I go out to lunch with a group once a month. We just split the check evenly after adding in a generous tip. I don’t ever have a drink…but I DO get a great dessert.
I find it petty to dicker over a dollar here and there for a lunch bill…when sometimes mine will be more and sometimes theirs. It all comes out in the wash.
Around here, separate checks are totally dependent on the restaurant…some will do them…and some just won’t.
ETA?..when I go out…I always have enough cash with me to pay for my meal…and tip.
And I NEVER put the tip on my credit card if I use one. That always gets left in cash. That way, the wait staff gets it…then!
If someone in my party had a “side salad and water,” I would not insist we split the bill.
However, what I notice usually happens is one person has the steak, one has the chicken dish, the other has the salmon, etc, and we share wine or people have cocktails. That’s when it is kind of silly to insist on separate checks or calculate to the penny what everybody owes.
My parents are retired. They invite me on vacation with them in the expectation that I will pay for everything, their expenses and mine, once we arrive. Have to avoid the whole situation now (they just lay on the guilt via telephone) because it will bankrupt me.
^^^^^Wow, @cupcake, that’s amazing. My parents always like to at least split the check and pay their part. Sometimes my Dad and DH do that annoying grab for the check thing. How awkward to have to deal with such an expectation!