Why are parents so concerned about college kids having sex?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Me too. And I wouldn’t want a daughter on the pill. The temptation to “forget” a condom would just be too great. Since AIDS is the worst case scenario I wouldn’t want the pill to make that any more likely.</p>

<p>That said, they’re eighteen and can make their own choices in this department. D hates medication, so I don’t think she would make the choice to go on the pill. She is also quite circumspect in her behavior so I don’t think she would need to. But this is her own private life, so I don’t really know.</p>

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<p>Christ: >>> The fact is; YOUR husband happens to be a social ROCK. HIS wires are crossed. Not all men. There’s a lot of men in the world that are very good in social environments. Better at raising children than the mother. More sensitive to other’s feelings and opinions. Just like there are plenty of woman who are capable of being excellent CEO’s, pilots, etc… <<<</p>

<p>I think you read tooooo much into my response. No way would I suggest that women can’t be CEO’s or pilot or whatever… That said, I still say that men an women are different - why else would there be the need for there to be 2 different sexes? </p>

<p>Are men ONLY attracted to women’s bodies or to women in general??? (I’m talking straight men) I hope men are attracted to women “as a whole” which suggests that the difference that is “attractive” is more than just genitalia. (and, of course, vice versa) I’m a female and I’m attracted to “maleness” not just *****es. My h is a (obviously) a male and he’s attracted to “feminine-ness (sp)” He’s not just attracted to boobs and a vagina.</p>

<p>Yes, my h is a bit of a social rock but he’s a rock among many. If you don’t think that my above “conversation” doesn’t take place in many households in America, you need to ask around a bit. If you don’t think that more women like shopping than men do, have you been living under a rock?? men and women are different. Viva la difference!</p>

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<p>Sarahs… >>> I remember driving around w/my boyfriend as a jr. or senior in H/S, looking for a place to “makeout.” We never really found any good spots. <<<</p>

<p>I remember finding some pretty good spots. LOL No home runs, though, in high school… product of an “all girls Catholic school” (no, the stereotype is not true - but guys do like the short plaid skirts!)</p>

<p>I don’t have any daughters, but I too, wouldn’t want to have a d on the pill for so many reasons, including

  1. there are health risks with the pill (which is one of many reasons that I never took it. I know, the risks may been lessened over the years BUT there are still cancer, stroke, etc risks associated with it.)
  2. What if she forgets to take it (hey, teens don’t remember a lot of things!!! I’ve told my boys to never just “trust” that the girl is on the pill - she may be lying, she may forget to take it the next morning or the following day and then ovulate, who knows?!?
  3. There would be this temptation to have sex without a condom (to protect from STDs). And, certainly boys would be more likely to pressure to have sex without a condom if they (the boys) knew the girl was on the pill.</p>
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<p>jllauer95: See end of my previous post, maybe too long to read, to see our agreement on pill and husbands. As I pointed out, compared to my husband, your is no rock!</p>

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<p>jlaur, </p>

<pre><code> Good points about the pill. I am personally in favor of using BOTH the pill and barrier methods. I guess I was assuming that condoms were a given. The pill is just and insurance policy against pregnancy.
Two of my H’s sisters are OBGYN’s and both supported this advise as well as chiming in!
</code></pre>

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<p>Yes, and many, many young women who have difficult periods are using the pill for medicinal purposes.</p>

<p>Although I see the logic of “double insurance” I would still worry that under pressure, condoms might be eschewed. But thinking of my daughter, she is uber-responsible, so maybe not. And they have grown up in a world in which STD’s have always been on their minds. So their determination may be greater than mine would have been.</p>

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<p>(Sorry to ask this here, but it seems more reasonable here than anywhere else. If it is too far OT, just tell me and then ignore the post.)</p>

<p>I think as parents, we have an obligation to teach our children our philosophies of life, including our attitudes toward sex and marriage. I also believe once our children become adults, they have the right to live differently from our way of life. But isn’t that right double-edged? Adults must live with the consequences of their actions, and even adult children do not have reason to demand parental support should their contrary choices create the problems their parents have warned them against. It seems to me if a child uses his adult status as a screen against his parent’s concern about a certain issue, he rejects his affiliation with his parents on that issue, in fact claiming a desire to have nothing to do with it. This releases his parents from any moral obligation to support the results of his choices whether good or bad. If he wants his parents’ support, then he is obligated to maintain culture with them. This does not mean he is obligated to obey them. It means even should he live contrary to their culture he will collaborate with them so that they might see for themselves the correctness of his view should it turn out for the best. And should things turn out for the worst, the collaboration will make them available to him for comfort and support.</p>

<p>The reason I mention this is because a lot of us seem to use the “they are adults” argument as a way to claim parents are obligated to adopt a “hands-off” approach to their children once those children leave home. I wonder if I am in fact this obligated. I almost don’t think so.</p>

<p>I do keep my hands out of my adult kids’ lives, but not because I think I am obligated to. Instead, I think due to the way I raised my kids there is no need for my constant hand in their lives. But I think if my adult kids would look to me for support, they have an obligation to collaborate with me, especially where they are thinking of running contrary to the basic perspectives I have taught them. This seems true of all adults, whether related by blood or not. If my friend should tell me not to take up smoking, and then I use my adult status to tell him to “butt out” (haha) of my life on this issue, it seems to me this action releases my friend of any moral obligation to me should I become addicted or get cancer resulting of my choice. Not only does it seem to release the friend of these obligations. It seems to cut him off from them.</p>

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<p>No Sarahsmom, my comments weren’t rude in any form. While I agree that men and woman do indeed have their differences. None of these differences have anything to do with the topic at hand. And to suggest that men, in general, aren’t capable of handling certain topics of concern is simply ridiculous. Certail “PEOPLE” might not be capable, but it has nothing to do with their agenda. I personally don’t get offended by such comments because they’re usually made out of ignorance. But I do find them hypocritical. </p>

<p>As far as the original question goes, I think that it’s none of their business. Now, the conversation has evolved into more of a; “How do you talk to your child about sex” topic. That is a legitimate topic. There are a lot of parents who don’t know how to speak to their children about such a topic. There’s also many families who teach waiting for a serious relationship while there are others who don’t think anything of a very open and casual sex life. Those are individual values and such that each family has to decide on for themselves. Thus raise you kids as such. And hope they care some of the message with them when they go off to college.</p>

<p>The biggest problem most families and students have is that the parents wait until their kid is 15-18 years old before they start talking to them about it. The best advice I know, and it doesn’t matter which position you take on when to start having sex, is to learn to talk to your children about it when they are young. The younger the better. Assuming they can basically understand what you are talking about. Definitely by the time they hit puberty. And this is not a “I spoke with them once when they were 12” thing. It’s something you need to talk to them about often. Just like you should be talking to them often about drugs and a number of other things.</p>

<p>If this topic goes in that direction, I think some very good information can be shared. The original post is stupid. That person has no business wanting to know or questioning parent’s and family’s values and morals. And men shouldn’t be stereotyped; just like woman shouldn’t be. Later… Mike…</p>

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<p>Drosselmeier, </p>

<pre><code> Interesting point. My parents and my H’s parents have been my personal advisors for my whole life. I look to them as examples and go to them for guidance on issues, but it’s a rare occasion that they give out advise if I don’t ask for it.
My parents were big on bringing up topics that they were concerned about in a general way, “I saw an article in ++ about kids who are having sex with strangers in stairwells. How do you feel about this? Do you see this going on in your school? I find this deeply disturbing.” I follow their example with my kids.
Guiding young adults is a difficult job and one that must be done with care, love, respect and open communication. I think that the most important thing that we can do as parents is to live what we teach. I’m the eleveth of twelve kids, so I have several sets of “parents” and advisors and mentors & I love it, but that’s just my family dynamic.
</code></pre>

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<p>Christcorp, </p>

<pre><code> You make good points, I’m glad I read past your first couple of lines. Why are you so angry? My H thought that jlaur’s post was really funny and so did I. Lighten up!
I totally agree as many here that believe in talking to kids about sex is something that begins when they are very young, but that it does not really END.
</code></pre>

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<p>

Whether something is offensive or not is determined by the receiver not the sender. What is funny to some is not to others. Would you make the same comment about lightning up if someone had responded negtively to a sterotypical negative description of a women? (for example, if someone had objected to a comment about someone just being a dumb blonde).</p>

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<p>I’m going to make another attempt at this … and I apologize for the rathole and the long entry.</p>

<p>I used to live in LA and loved going to comedy clubs. Comedy is tough … a lot of comedy is based on playing off sterotypes and one of the tricks is playing the sterotype without people feeling offended. A common approach is to tell one or two jokes around a sterotype and then move on … a couple dumb blonde jokes, a couple Asian driver jokes, a couple husband forgot the anniversary jokes etc … and it usually works. Then one time I’m at a club and this guy missed the lesson on moving on … he told joke #1 about overweight people and everyone laughed … he told joke #2 about overwieight people and most people laughed … he told joke #3 and everyone was quiet … he told joke #4 and everyone was getting uncomfortable … he told joke #5 about overweight people and people were leaving. He had piled on. </p>

<p>What does this do with CC? Here’s what I’m reading on CC at this time … the sterotype of a bunch of threads …

  • Wife’s take care of the family stuff while husband’s are clueless
  • College girls can be hurt by sex because they love too much while college guys are led around by their ****
  • New freshman girls call home and communicate while freshman boys don’t communicate
  • When it comes to applying to college the girls will plan ahead, be organized, and get things done on time … while the guys will procrastinate and have to scurry like rats.
  • Etc, etc</p>

<p>Pretty clear pattern of how the sterotypes are playing out … so I’m with Christcorp … to me at this time the guys are being piled upon … your mileage may very … but please do not insult me by telling me to lightning up because this does not bother you. I seriously doubt most people saying or agreeing with “lighten up” would say the same if so many threads were playing to negative sterotypes of women.</p>

<p>This is the second time I spoken up on sterotyping on CC. The first time was in the original Duke Lax Rape thread. I have one of those dreaded upper-middle class helmet sport playing boys (football and lacrosse). My son is a real person and I took many of the shots taken at middle class helmet sport playing boys very personally as they were directed at my child.</p>

<p>While a lot of the current comments may be in jest and may even reflect a pattern of behavior across boys in general … MY EXPERIENCE at this time is that boys are consistantly getting trashed in CC … and for my two boys I do not like it.</p>

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<p>3togo, That is one of the issues with a discussion board like this one. People can’t see your face, hear your tone of voice or understand your sarcasim.
You may have felt that this was “a joke that had been piled on” across the CC board, but that was not the case on this thread and calling someone’s thread or post stupid is far more of an insult IMO than enouraging someone to lighten up. Whatever, I strike my comment.</p>

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<p>I haven’t read the entire thread so this might’ve been talked about already but… Why, oh why, wouldn’t you leave your son or daughter alone in the house with their gf or bf, or let them sleep in the same room? It seems to be that you are assuming that sexual behavior is going to occur, which I don’t think is always the case. I even think that a couple can sleep comfortably together in the same room without it being sexual in nature. As some of you have stated, if kids are determined enough, they will find a way, and I think that ‘way’ will not necessarily be in the parents’ house, out of respect, or maybe fear of being caught.</p>

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<p>I understand the posts about stereotyping male behavior and I consider the point being made valid. However, social roles have conditioned men and women differently, and my husband would behave exactly as described, only more clueless as I said before. He would admit it and find it funny, too.</p>

<p>I am sure he makes fun of me sometimes because I can’t (don’t? won’t?) even check my own oil. I do pump from self-serve, but that’s as far as it goes. I certainly am capable of checking my own oil, and now that I mention it I think I should learn because it would have been an advantage lately, but I think it’s pretty stupid that I haven’t and don’t mind being made fun of.</p>

<p>There’s certainly nothing in their genetic makeup to prohibit men from asking questions about a baby, it’s just been the experience of most of us wives that they don’t. Certainly does not mean everyone. I think it was said with love. </p>

<p>I, do, however, understand your point.</p>

<p>Drosselmeier: Again, I understand how sincere you are and how well your approach has worked for your family and I am glad for you. As I have said before, I live in a different world and my approach has worked as well.</p>

<p>To answer your question, well, I agree that it’s begging the question to say they’re adults. If we’re paying for college, they’re obviously not completelly adults. But I don’t withhold my support of my kids (or anyone else for that matter) because they don’t behave in exactly the way I would wish. I was never the kind of mother who asked about what her kids ate for lunch at school or if they had a bowel movement. They are both incredibly fit, slender and healthy. I am so lucky.</p>

<p>By the same logic, I am not going to ask them about sex. I have discussed the potential pitfalls of casual sex with them, both to their emotional health and their physical health, and I know this was really stressed at their high school.</p>

<p>I do have a more experimental approach to life than you seem to, and I’m glad of it. I have known wonderful people, and I wouldn’t trade the experiences I’ve had for anything. I am also 100% + percent faithful to my husband, even though he has done so very destructive things. I know he loves us. My earlier experience has only made me more understanding and flexible. I took making a home for my children very seriously, so any earlier experience would not influence me to be more likely to divorce. I have stuck out some very difficult things, but I am also glad I have other experiences to look back on. I think my husband would say the same.</p>

<p>I would not prejudge what was best for my children because they are different people than I am. I probably would not have chosen the colleges they did , but I am supporting them in going there nevertheless. </p>

<p>Their destinies are not as clear to me as my own. I believe I can only know what’s right for me. If I feel strongly enough about something Iwill mention it, but it doesn’t usually seem I get very far. I am not willing to withhold money, love, approval or support to force them to do things my way.</p>

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<p>Clueless:</p>

<p>“Why wouldn’t you…let them sleep in the same room?”</p>

<p>Are you talking about HS kids? If so, you really are clueless!</p>

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<p>Oh dear, clueless, even at my advanced age, I recall the siren call of hormones in high school. Let my teen sleep in a room in MY house with a romantic partner? No. No. and No.</p>

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<p>Boy, even I agree with this!</p>

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<p>Mythmom:</p>

<p>I tend to experiment quite a lot (haha – I suspect more than most). Growing up as I did, I had no choice but to experiment. But I do not experiment for its own sake. I can’t afford to do this because I have too many people depending upon me to deliver at least a beginning set of wisdom. Rather, I try new things where they seem beneficial while seeking wisdom from generations that have gone on before. I think people of the past have quite a lot of offer me.</p>

<p>Additionally, I view my role as a father as one who conducts wisdom of the past to my children in the present, teaching them to experiment while remaining connected to us (and thereby to the past). I do, therefore, prejudge what is best for my children, at least where past experience permits. I think this is one of the few things of lasting value I can give my kids, and indeed I think it my duty. I think this view builds healthy family culture over the long haul. I understand others have differing views, but that is how I see things for us.</p>

<p>I do not know what is “right” in any objective sense-- not for me, not for my children. I am always searching for what is best. I am a starting point for my kids, giving them the benefit of my considered thought about and connection with thousands of years of experience from the past. I have always invited the kids to do as I have done, which is to stretch, correct and extend this wisdom and experience, and then pass it forward to their children with their own unique views and influences attached to it. I do not see the wisdom or need to be disconnected from each other here.</p>

<p>My question was not about using force to make a kid behave as I wish (and I would certainly be there for my kid no matter what he does). It was about moral obligations to someone who deliberately breaks culture with you by appealing to their adult status (but I suppose if you do not prejudge what is right for your kids on the basis of this sort of cultural outlook, the question is entirely outside of your scope of inquiry). I don’t have a firm point-of-view on the question in particular. But I am curious about how other parents interpret their obligations when faced with the argument “they are adults”. I almost don’t think the argument works because wherever it exists, a complete break in culture also exists.</p>

<p>Please understand, the issue here again has nothing to do with ‘asking a child about sex’. It has everything to do with the extent to which a parent is obligated to support a child’s contrary decisions, especially a parent who wishes to build a culture of wisdom. We often use the term “support” in dealing with these issues, but I do not know what we generally mean by it. It seems to me no equal human is morally obligated to support that which is contrary to his beliefs, and that this is true even in circumstances where parents and adult children are involved. So, if a parent wishes to build culture and a child refuses to join the parent, what are the parent’s remaining obligations when it comes to maintaining what he believes? Perhaps the parent should support culture he rejects, in effect joining the child. Or perhaps the parent should maintain his own culture, dealing with the child where possible, but ignoring the child’s separate culture.</p>

<p>There may be no hard answers here. I am simply curious about how others see this question.</p>

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<p>Dross: Can you give a specific example? I know I seem dense, and if it’s too personal I understand.</p>