<p>It’s not the concern so much about the sex, it’s the fear of babies and cancelled plans. Sex is their business, as it was my business as a youngster as well. I just ask they they are smart about it, not that they abstain.</p>
<p>I would lose all credibility if I told my child that “sex is not recreation”. It sure feels like recreation when I do it. If it weren’t for the recreational aspect why would any of the parents here engage in it?</p>
<p>“…sex is not recreation…”
My word, what do you do for fun? (Insert winking smiley face here)</p>
<p>It’s not recreation if it results in a child or STD. For the older people here (I’m one of them) it’s strictly recreational.</p>
<p>MomofWildChild, I an not being naive, simplistic or facile. See my PM to you.</p>
<p>I understand the idea behind the thought that sex is not recreation (though other posters beat me to the funny punchlines), but perhaps a better communication is that sex is not just a physical act. Not only does it bring along consequences, which my S & D know more about than I do from health class, but it also brings up many feelings, some of which can be overwhelming to young people (and older people). I told mine to be prepared for a roller coaster and that anything that can touch our core feelings of abandonment fears, need for love, oh so many things, should be taken seriously. To me, that does not mean to not engage but to be forewarned. </p>
<p>I did also tell D that satisfaction is easier for males to achieve and not to feel inadequate or extremely disappointed if all did not go well at first.</p>
<p>Since then (three years ago) we have not discussed the subject. I feel I armed her with all the knowledge I could about something that is ultimately very personal. My friends could not believe that I had no curiosity about her doings, but I just don’t. It’s really none of my business.</p>
<p>I think parents are concerned about:</p>
<p>1) STDs
2) unplanned pregnancy (whether your child is the boy or girl) and all that is involved with that (have/raise the child, child support issues, impact to college, impact on future relationships, etc.)
3) broken heart
4) feeling used
5) promiscuity ( since between the age of 18 and marriage can be about 10 years (give or take) the number of sex partners can really add up - especially if one engages in casual hook ups.)
6) the concern that once a person “gets used” to engaging in casual sex with numerous partners, that the person will have difficulties adjusting to monogamy in marriage (because self-restraint was not developed and because the “meaning” and “specialness” of sex has been diminished in their minds.)
7) How can sex be “special” if you did it with any cute butt that walked by?</p>
<p>I don’t think parents are that much worried when they know that their child has become intimate with a serious boy/girl friend who is a good/nice person. </p>
<p>But, how can we, as a society, say on one hand - as long as your single, hook up as many times as you want, but once you are married you better stay faithful? Why the need to stay faithful, once married, if sex is “really no big deal” and it’s doesn’t have to be done with someone special - which some are implying.</p>
<p>For the benefit of those of us who are “virgin” parents of freshmen college students, what exactly goes on nowadays? Is it much different from college in say, the 70’s? Back then casual sex was not uncommon, but most kids were still pretty discreet about it. Can anyone elaborate on what its like now?</p>
<p>fencersmom…</p>
<p>As a Catholic myself, I know that the Church would put it a bit differently. Sex is for both the unifying aspect (loving and uniting recreation) and for procreation. (Both equally important) After all, the Church certainly doesn’t frown upon sexual activity once women are past menopause and no longer fertile or during pregnancy when sexual activity is obviously occurring when no intent to impregnate could be there. </p>
<p>Other posters are right when they say, Who would do it if it weren’t enjoyable? (I guess if it was a miserable thing to do, some would grit their teeth throughout the ordeal until the desired number of kids were born. Then completely stop.)</p>
<p>Our kids are adults, with (probably) about ten times more sex drive than we have right now. What do we expect? Who are we fooling by thinking that it isn’t very difficult for them to restrain themselves (after all, have you LOOKED at them lately?)? Let’s get real. Speaking honestly for myself, hopefully I haven’t raised two kids who are so screwed up about sex that, at the ages of 18 and almost 20, they DON’T want it.</p>
<p>doubleplay: Yes, that’s the way I feel.</p>
<p>MichaelNKat,
I have three kids and I agree completely with what you said in your earlier post. I too have that kind of confidence and could not be prouder of the wonderful young people that they have become.</p>
<p>I, too, am proud of one of my children and her choices. I trust her and admire the young woman she has become. She is engaged to a wonderful young man, graduated from Rice last May and is in discernment for the Episcopal priesthood.
I have another child, raised the same way, who is still figuring things out and it would be wise to hide your daughters.</p>
<p>“I have another child, raised the same way, who is still figuring things out and it would be wise to hide your daughters.”</p>
<p>hehe, I feel that way about my D - it would be wise to hide your sons. I have a S that is like your D but my D has driven a few young men round the bend with her careless disregard for their feelings after a sexual relationship. God forbid if our children should meet but it could be a match made in Heaven - who knows.</p>
<p>“I guess if it was a miserable thing to do, some would grit their teeth throughout the ordeal”</p>
<p>Wasn’t it Queen Victoria who said. “Lie back and think of England”?</p>
<p>I mostly worry about babies and STD’s, not sex. And with my D, I don’t think I have much to worry about…the kid is possibly more rational and in-control than might be optimal in the long run, but it’s fine for right now. I have no problem with sex outside of marriage and even multiple if (one hopes) serial partners per se; it’s the context of the relationship that matters to me. And fwiw, I can’t say that I myself observed my current standards and therefore I’m in no position to cast any stones…note in the parable of the adulterous woman, it was the oldest who walked away first. (yet another Catholic here)</p>
<p>note: the preceding poster has an unfortunate screen name for this discussion. I’m wondering if I was the only one who noticed or if everyone else just had better taste than to observe it.</p>
<p>“But, how can we, as a society, say on one hand - as long as your single, hook up as many times as you want, but once you are married you better stay faithful? Why the need to stay faithful, once married, if sex is “really no big deal” and it’s doesn’t have to be done with someone special - which some are implying.”</p>
<p>Perhaps the people (who definitely don’t represent most of society) who are saying such things also think that faithfulness is not important in marriage. There are, after all, people who think that affairs and sex parties are OK.
(I am not among those people).</p>
<p>TheDad—ha. you’re not the only one who noticed. oopsie. 
</p>
<p>D knows that her dad and I “lived in sin” back in the day. She’s adamant (now) that she’s planning to wait until she’s married…cool. …H counseled her that not all college males will have the same point of view as her high school sweetie, however.</p>
<p>TheDad,
I did notice “woody” over there and could not stop giggling with each post! I’m so glad, cuz I really needed the laugh!</p>
<p>The wrong STD is a Death sentence.
The wrong STD is a Death sentence to your sex partner.
The wrong STD is a Death sentence to Our DS/DD.
The wrong STD is a Death sentence to Our Grandchildren.
The wrong STD is a Death sentence to the parents of Our Grandchildren.
The wrong STD is a Death sentence to the the Nation.
Who is going to pay? Not you, because you are dead.</p>