why can't i be happy for my son

Parent Cafe
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<p>i have never been more depressed than i am right now. i feel i am between a rock and a hard place. i have a son that will graduate from college this year and feel that he has not achieved what he should have… beyond just graduating and earning a degree. while reading stories here of kids who are doing research, etc. , i do not have a kid like that. he basically is a good kid, but not very ambitious; likes to take things real slow, and afraid to be successful. i believe he suffers from low self-esteem, as i do. he is also a middle-child, sandwiched between two high achieving siblings with plenty of self-confidence. we really did not force him to go to college, he wanted to. i have really not gotten involved too much with what he was doing in college for fear of being a nag. i have tried to give advice here and there, esp when he switched majors and told him to research a school that was stronger in the subject area. my kid is bright in his own way, but just does the minimum of what is expected. i really fear that college hasn’t taught him much but to do his laundry. his writing is not that much better than high school and really fear for this kids ability to earn a living and be independent of me. </p>

<p>i know there is nothing i can do but be supportive, but i am really crying inside. i feel like a failure of a parent. i can just imagine what he must think of me. i am not sure why i am posting this but it has been such a rough journey to see one kid so successful while another one just seems to be going through the motions. i just need a shoulder to cry on now.</p>

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<p>“he’s a good kid, he is graduating and has earned a degree”…those are all accomplishments to be proud of!</p>

<p>don’t compare your kid to what you read on cc…
that is enough to depress anyone!
cc is not the real world!
is your son a caring person? maybe he’s just a late bloomer?</p>

<p>not everyone knows the exact path to take through life and takes a straight line to get there…</p>

<p>sorry you’re feeling down, but please just appreciate your son for who he is and what he has accomplished relative to his own capabilities and don’t be so hard on yourself…</p>

3

<p>Don’t worry–you are certainly not a failure as a parent! CC kids are certainly a minority, so definitely don’t read too far into what these kids are doing. There are tons of successful people who are quiet and not ambitious. You may have to measure his success differently than the way you measure it for his siblings. I think the real test is, is he happy? If so, then you have nothing to worry about. Raising a twenty two year old who is content with his life is an achievement all it’s own. Does he have a job lined up for next year? Some people change significantly once they are working and in a completely different environment than school. Maybe he just didn’t have the motivation to work extra hard in school, but perhaps if he knows he is getting money for the things he wants through his hard work, he will be spurred into action. If he starts at the bottom of the ladder and gets raises and higher positions with hard work, I’m sure his confidence and motivation will rise. Give him advice when he asks, but at this point I think it’s time to let him go and see how he does. He may surprise you by blossoming once he’s realized his new environment. The most important thing is for you to measure his success in terms of what success is for him and for what he wants to do instead of measuring him by kids on CC or his siblings or your own vision of what he should be. Definitely do not view yourself as a failure. You are nothing of the sort, and I am sure that none of your kids would ever, ever imagine that you could think of yourself that way.</p>

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<p>janesmom, having one so different than the other two must be tough to understand. Is he happy? That’s what I worry about and I worry about it often. Mine is wound tightly. This one of your’s seems to be wound a little loosely. Can we un-torque mine a bit and re-torque your’s? I don’t think we get that choice but if we did I’d gladly dial mine back a notch or two. I don’t know how someone can keep this pace. I’m pretty sure you’d tweak your’s up a bit. But where exactly is that adjustment ? LOL. </p>

<p>I have watched several kids go through college relatively listless and then hit the ground running right out of the box or soon thereafter. It’s as if college was just a tool for them, a neccessary waystation, a task to be to be accomplished or maybe survived. But if they land in a place that inspires them in their career? Katie bar the door. I’m thinking of one in particular that ended up being a talent (music ) booking agent in Austin. The kid was a slug in college. But in his career? He can’t be stopped. He is setting goals and romping right past them. His dad is the most surprised guy on the planet</p>

<p>I’ve seen it more than once. </p>

<p>I have also seen college hardchargers get out and coast, as if their degree was supposed to be their ticket to all the good life has to offer. They get a good opp and then founder. </p>

<p>Maybe he’ll be the former. :wink: Have some faith. And anyway, what the hell can we do about it except worry and we are already doing that, aren’t we?</p>

<p>p.s. I just thought of another one. A girl who got out with an accounting-lite type degree and floated around for two years at odd jobs. Then one day she announces "I’m moving to Blank. ahlway acroos the country where I know one person. " She does. :eek: Her parents are convinced that she is still coasting. Next thing you know she lands a job she’s excited about and she’s up and rolling. It does happen.</p>

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<p>Hey. He can do his own laundry. What more do you want?</p>

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<p>janesmom: curm nailed it. Is he happy? If he is then forget it. It is after all his life. One of my wife’s friend told her son once that she is not proud of what he did - (he had become a paramedic). That friend also had a daughter and she would always talk about her daughter with pride, but never about her son. Recently that son got married and before his mairrage shel was not excited. She thought her son could do better than her. One day my wife asked point blank how come she is not happy for her son the way she is happy for her daughter. That might have given her something to think about - she is now warm to her new daughter-in-law.</p>

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<p>You feel that you were not effective enough as a parent with this son, as compared to with your other two children?</p>

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<p>I want to thank all of you who have responded. I was feeling so low for the past several days thinking of my son while off visiting schools with d. I know it is not good to compare one kid against another. S was basically given opportunities that the others have had. I know that I just have to let him find his own way and that no two kids are the same. My worries are that he will not be able to support himself in life. I really have not pushed or questioned him about anything he has done in college ,except to ask him to seek other colleges for a switch in majors. S can get too comfortable and rely on others too much instead of seeking out things for himself. I have to be careful with him and not offer too much assistance(especially monetarily) or else he would do absolutely nothing on his own. I have been good with that. He has a job at school and pays for all his expenses except for tuition and car insurance. He pays for repairs on his car and basic maintenance. Come the end of school we expect him to start paying for his car insurance. We will give him a little bit of time, but we expect him to step up to the plate. I think that is one way in spurring him on. I know I will have to be patient. </p>

<p>Again, thanks one and all for your support.</p>

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<p>As is the case for some other parents here, I have sons who both have been underachievers. Because of the nature of CC, one doesn’t normally hear about such students, who probably represent the majority of high school students. </p>

<p>Both of my boys had SAT scores in the 98th-99th percentile, yet had gpas that were sub 3.0 unweighted. This is despite being raised in an intact family (H and I have been married almost 30 years) of educators who were very active in their schools, exposed them to lots of opportunities, were supportive, etc.</p>

<p>Older S went to the college of his choice on a virtually full ride and had a sub 1.0 average freshman year. After that, he has been finding himself by being a punk rock musician, and now is working writing sales reports for a company (This from a guy who had a 750 v plus regional awards for writing). He is 23, and now seems to be gradually finding himself in that he has held the same job for at least 8 months.</p>

<p>Younger S managed to not get around to applying to college when he was in h.s., and also managed to get at least one D second semester senior year – in a 7:30 a.m. class that he got a D in because he couldn’t make it to that class on time. He got a C in AP English despite having a 760 v SAT.</p>

<p>He managed, however, to get an Americorps job and live at home this year, and has done a good job with that. Due to his bad grades senior year, my husband and I told him that we would not pay for his college apps nor would we pay for his first year of college. He will need to get a 3.0 each year for us to contribute to the next year’s costs. S applied to 2 second tier colleges and has gotten in both. One, Rollins, has offered him a $10 k a year scholarship. S – who has done an admirable job of saving his Americorps earnings – is looking for more money to cover the rest of the $42 k costs as it’s his first choice. He seems to be getting it now that he would have had much better options if he had chosen to study in high school.</p>

<p>So, they grow up at their own pace, and we needn’t take the blame for things that they brought on themselves. Perhaps by doing things differently than others, they’ll learn some things about themselves and the world that others who were fast trackers did not. I have a male friend who is a well off retired business professor who says that he was like my older S when he was young. Another friend-- wonderful family man, doctorate, college prof, award winning writer – says the same thing. </p>

<p>Particularly with males, it seems they take a while to get on track. Take hope in this.</p>

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<p>janesmom1, I am just like you except my kid is younger. Older S is great student, full scholarship, post college career all lined up. Younger S (h.s. jr) is a very average student who doesn’t seem to be interested in anything but hanging out with friends ,having a good time. He has a job but acts like it kills him to have to go to work. H and I really worry about how he will make his way in the world and be able to support himself. Was your S like this in high school? I keep hoping some maturity will kick in. Other kids his age are talking about college and my S has no clue what he wants to do after h.s.<br>
Be thankful that your S is at least graduating from college and will have some tools for making a life for himself. H says I worry too much. Maybe it’s a Mom thing.</p>

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<p>You are so lucky to have a S who is graduating from college. I hope that some day my older S manages to do that. I know many other parents who feel the same about their smart, capable sons. Don’t judge your S by what you see here. CC only represents probably the top 5% of college students; and represents a much lower proportion of youths ages 22 and lower. Most parents would be proud to have a S like yours. Count your blessings.</p>

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<p>Northstarmom:

</p>

<p>Bingo. </p>

<hr>

<p>I’m also a great believer in birth order personalities. (Or whatever the technical term is. I know - it’s like witchcraft or something. :wink: ) </p>

<p>PackMom describes a youngest child perfectly. A sociable, fun, enjoyable person. Underachiever (especially while young). Late bloomer. They come around - but a little later - and often their finely honed interpersonal skills make up for a lot once they’re adults.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, middle kids can be sometimes be a little stuck for life. We flounder our way through, and it can be tough. We are risk-averse, not very competitive, busy trying to make everybody happy, and not particularly adult-oriented as youngsters. We may ultimately be the lowest achieving group(statistically speaking of course!). </p>

<p>Kids may have the same parents, but they are not born into the same families. We just have to love and accept them all for their uniqueness.</p>

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<p>janesmom: I hope you take what Northstarmom writes seriously. She herself is a Harvard graduate. So in addition to comparing two children, I am sure she has the burden of comparing them to herself. She also recruits for Harvard and sees many bright kids.</p>

<p>Be happy with what you have not what could have been or should have been.</p>

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<p>janesmom, I agree that his happiness is most important. He doesn’t need to be a hard charging captain of industry to lead a successful, fulfilling life & support himself.</p>

<p>I would, however, insist on his visiting the college career/job office. Today! Surely they’ll give him the guidance he needs . Maybe even open his eyes to some interest that can be parlayed into a career. Good luck!</p>

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<p>janesmom~</p>

<p>First of all, sending you some {{{{{{{gentle hugs}}}}}}}</p>

<p>My heart goes out to you…it truly does because I know exactly the kind of kid your son is and how it must tug at you to see him operate in a way that’s so different from your other children. I, too, have a child like this. She will be entering college in the fall. </p>

<p>Many of the posters here are familiar with my bright, hard-driven, high achieving, academicially successful son who is currently a sophomore in college. But they are less familiar with my beautiful, smart, ethereal, empathetic, and thoughtful but VERY laid back daughter. I have not shared anything about her college plans publicly because it was not necessary to the success of her college app. process as it was to my son’s. She will remain in state and attend a public college here, and I couldn’t be any more proud of her than I am.</p>

<p>Years ago, when her standardized test scores began to come in with very high percentile ranks, I thought I was in for another ride like my son’s. But I was wrong. As she got older, her grades were not as strong as they had been and I found it difficult to motivate her. I’d never HAD to help motivate my son—his drive and motivation are key elements of his personality. After several years of tussling a bit with her about these things, I consulted my life coach about this.</p>

<p>She basically told me this: You can expend this time and effort in order to try to make your daughter into a person that she will NEVER be…and possibly trash your relationship with her in the process. OR…you can accept her for EXACTLY what she is: A gentle, thoughtful, insightful, empathetic, creative and lovely girl who just doesn’t have the drive for academics that her brother does. </p>

<p>I chose option two and have never looked back.</p>

<p>I cannot, with all honesty, state that I NEVER wonder how she would have done academically if I’d decided to push and shove a bit harder. I <em>have</em> wondered this. But those thoughts soon get lost as I’m gigling over lunch with her or conspiring with her to put together the <em>perfect</em> prom ensemble so that she’ll be the belle of the ball. :slight_smile: My daughter has been a good, solid academic student, but nowhere near the stellar student that her brother was, but then, she has things her brother might never find–CONTENTMENT among them. She doesn’t WANT the things that he does, and what she DOES want, she works to have. I have decided that I can’t ask any more of her than that.</p>

<p>Over the past few years there HAVE been moments when I’ve asked myself, “What did <em>I</em> do wrong?” But I have come to realize that the answer to that is “Nothing.” In fact, I’ve come to believe that I’ve done something very RIGHT in accpeting this precious gift for who she is and for letting her know that even though her “gifts” aren’t as quantifiable as my son’s, they are every bit as valuable to me…and to the world. It’s not every day that one finds a heart as loving and caring and embracing as hers. :)</p>

<p>You have a college graduate…be PROUD! If your son has a measure of contentment and happiness and if you come to feel that he will be able to sustain employment and support himself and be successful in personal relationships, be grateful. No, he may not be just like your other kids. But it’s nothing you’ve done or NOT done. It’s just who HE IS. Let him know that you BELIEVE in him, value who he is. And he will be fine. He really will. Just like my daughter! :)</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

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<p>I am so glad you can come here and say these things because I think he cannot help you to feel better about him. That is something only you can do for yourself. Maybe when he sees you taking care of yourself that way, he will aspire to a life which he can achieve- in which he will take the chances and opportunities he can to make himself feel better about himself!</p>

<p>I suspect you have many things to celebrate about this son. You just can’t look for him to meet your own personal unmet needs. Try making a list of 20 things you really like about him!! Many of us have children whose energy or ambition are different than our own. They are perfectly wonderful kids who just are going to have lives that might be different (not better or worse, just different) from those of their more acheivement oriented siblings.</p>

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<p>My kid is only ‘graduating’ from middle school – but is the classic underachiever with high test scores – I can’t tell you how much comfort I’ve gotten from this thread. Thanks all.</p>

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<p>remember that neither Steve Jobs or Bill Gates have graduated from college</p>

<p>Some of us need time to process what we are learning :wink: & much of the “real work” occurs out of the classroom ( even during K-12)</p>

<p>We also cannot “change” others- we can only change ourselves- & be a good example!</p>

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<p>My younger S that I wrote of earlier is not an underachiever I don’t think. He’s just not blessed w/ his brother’s academic abilities (example…made 960mv (1440 total) on SAT…I know, horrible). Barely a 3.0 gpa(weighted)
He says he has no interest in taking SAT again.
Really doesn’t have a clue about post h.s. plans. Of course there are a few colleges where he might have a chance of accepatance but the question is should I try to push him in that direction or encourage him to go to Comm. College instead to figure out what he really wants? </p>

<p>H is not in favor of spending lots of $$ for college if S has no clue or direction as to area of study and just goes for the social aspect (pressure from community/peers) only to fail academically.<br>
H says he rather see him go to Comm. College and learn a trade if he is not serious about college. S is very good mechanically and would probably be happy to take that route but is it in his best interest long term? </p>

<p>At this point S is very ambivalent about the whole thing. He’s just floating along with his fun high school life and friends, looking forward to summer and then his Senior season of varsity football. He is a nice, fun kid with lots of friends who is just not very academically oriented. If it comes easy to him he does well but if not he doesn’t put in much extra effort. He completes assignments but does the bare minimum usually. </p>

<p>His best friends will prob. go Comm. College route but our upper middle class suburb (and most of his classmates) is definitely more college oriented. So will he feel like a big loser if he doesn’t go to college? Would I be wrong not to encourage him to go even if he’s not showing a big desire to go at this point?</p>

<p>I really can’t figure out which way to guide my boy and I do feel he needs guidance or otherwise time will just fly by and there will be no plan whatsoever. Sorry was so long. I’m just at a loss.</p>

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<p>Packmom,
I think you’d be wasting your time to suggest that he go to a 4 year college when he’s so ambivalent about college. Seems like a thoughtful gap year in which he could explore some career options would be a good move for him. Afterward, depending on his interests, community college or possibly a vocational school could be an option.</p>

<p>Many people do exceptionally well in life with a community college or vocational education. What’s important is that your S find the post h.s. exxperience that fits his needs. Many of his classmates who are similar to him will go to college and quickly flunk out because of lack of interest. They will probably feel more like losers and be more at sea than would a kid who has thoughtfullly chosen other post h.s. options.
I think how you view his post h.s. options will have a lot to do with whether he views himself as a big loser or a person wisely following his own interests.</p>