Why cant my father let me drive?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I am 19, and female. I immigrated here in US, 4 years ago. I think that in the last 4 years, I have showed to my father that he can trust me and that I am responsible. In fact, I am now a junior in a state university with a good GPA. Also, I have never been in any trouble, and he always knew where I am. </p>

<p>I really want to drive especially now that I am old. He keeps on promising that he will teach me, but he never did. When I confronted him about it, he said that he worries I may get into an accident. I guess that make sense, but then, that means I will never get to drive because there is a chance that I might get into an accident. My brother taught me to drive. When he found out about it, and he got mad. Also, tomorrow is my driving test, and now he told me that I am not taking the test, and that I should cancel it. I am confused as to what to do. He keeps on telling me that I am being selfish, and that if I will get into an accident, it would be a big problem. He is not talking to me now.</p>

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<p>Your father probably hasn’t considered this - </p>

<p>It’s sometimes best to learn to drive when you’re younger and can start out by driving the car shorter distances on familiar roads. It can help you gain experience before you get to the point where you NEED to drive for your job and are suddenly forced to drive longer distances over unfamiliar roads in rush hour traffic.</p>

<p>The point is, you’ll likely drive at some point so why not learn to drive during a safer period of your life which is probably now (and earlier actually)?</p>

<p>Your father’s trying to protect you and having a hard time letting go. However, if he stops to think through the practicalities I mentioned above, maybe he’ll reconsider (or maybe he’ll just disagree with the perspective). Good luck.</p>

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<p>Could it be a cultural thing? I know several immigrant families who came from countries where driving was unofficially considered a male privilege.
Could it be money? Do you live with your parents? In our state, all licensed drivers living in the same household have to be on the insurance policy for every car that belongs to that household even if they do not intend to drive. Adding a 19-yr old beginner to an existing policy could be expensive. Who is going to pay for the increase in your insurance rates?</p>

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<p>Shadowrunner, I can only suggest that you sit down and speak with your father. Parents worry and many of us are very good at it! As my DD gets older, I worry less. She’s 20 and has been driving since she was 15. From the day she got her learner’s permit until the day she got her license, we made her drive every where we went. We felt that if she drove a lot with us in the car, she would get lots of experience and we would feel more comfortable when she got her license. I won’t lie … the day she got her license, I was a nervous wreck when she left the house. Each day got better, though. </p>

<p>Have you had driver training from anyone other than your brother? If not, do you think it would help your father feel more comfortable with you driving if you did take a course? How 'bout asking your father to accompany you on a drive? We all worry that our children will be involved in an accident (and mine was involved in a serious one when she was hit by another driver on the interstate), but we have to let go at some point. Perhaps your father is concerned about the cost of insurance and the liability that goes along with having a new driver added to an insurance policy. </p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>Also, to add to ucsd<em>ucla</em>dad’s point, I personally know that if I had learned when I was 20 instead of 15, I would have been a lot less opne to criticisms of my driving, and restrictions put on me. When I was 15 I accepted when my parents said I was driving too fast or too carelessly, and didn’t question them when they gave me a curfew or said to avoid the highways at night. But if they’d tried to do that when I was 20, I would have ignored those rules out of pride, even if I knew they were in my best interests.</p>

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<p>I told him that I am willing to pay for the insurance since I have some savings. I even ask him how much, but he won’t give me a straight answer, he keeps on saying that I should expect more than $500 a month. I am not buying a car just yet. I just need the license, so I can drive by my own, and more practice for me. I can always borrow my brother’s car since he doesn’t go out much. </p>

<p>I sometimes drive with my father, and I think he is always being obnoxious on purpose—just to discourage me. I really need the license because I am already a junior, and so far I don’t have any volunteer and work experience because he says I should concentrate in my classes. I felt helpless because now that I applied for Work-Study, I realize no one would hire me because they think I am lazy. I am not lazy, I am just naïve. So, now I am applying to fast foods, and taking computer classes to enhance my skill. I am also joining a lot of clubs, and looking for volunteer opportunities. I realize my mistake, and I want to change starting now. I think my independence starts with getting my license. </p>

<p>So, I am taking the test anyway, no matter how much he tries to scare me because I have to think about my future. I just hope he won’t interfere tomorrow. Talking to my father will not help me, I think I just have to rebel. He doesn’t seem to appreciate the fact that I never gave him problems all those years, and I have never disobeyed him. I don’t want to live my life in fear anymore.</p>

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<p>Insurance is nowhere close to $500 per month. Extra insurance for you on your parents’ policy would be more like $500 for 6 months although it’d probably be somewhat less than that.</p>

<p>I know it’s upsetting for you but remember that your father likely wants to protect you. Just keep it in mind and go easy on him as you establish your independence.</p>

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<p>You will need to make this decision to break away from your father’s control at some point. I get the sense he tries to control you through his financial support… you will need to make plans on how to support yourself, because you will not be making your own decisions until you can support yourself. I would take the test - but I say that warning you to have a sense if he would do anything drastic such as withhold financial help for school, etc.</p>

<p>Annika</p>

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<p>A bit of this does sound cultural, but I want to throw out a couple of points, questions.</p>

<p>At one age did your brother get his license? Were there any accident/ violations caused by him creating insurance rate increases that may have caused your father to project similar problems with you driving?</p>

<p>You mentioned your brother teaching you to drive… many states have restrictions as to who can teach a novice. Sibs usually need to be licensed a minimum of three years, and over an age of majority, which can range from 18 to 21 depending on specific state regulations.</p>

<p>Insurance for you should range around $500-750 per year, assuming no major issues, contingent upon your area, vehicle type, etc. Female rates tend to be significantly lower than for newly insured/licensed males.</p>

<p>Most states require a certain amount of classroom and behind the wheel hours prior to licensing, and these may or may not be less for new licensees
over 18. At 19, and since you have some savings, I’d suggest you seek good contracted professional training (at your expense) through a reputable driving school. Depending on your area, expect to pay somewhere between $400-$700 for the required on and off road training.</p>

<p>This might show your father just how serious you are, and gets you the benefit of unbiased, pro instruction. It might help change his mind, it might not.</p>

<p>Unless you are in a position to purchase a car and insurance, and be able to pay for associated costs of gas and maintenance/repairs, you’re at his mercy if he owns the vehicles. At 19 however, you can be licensed without parental consent. </p>

<p>However, without a vehicle the license is effectively useless other than for identification, and could cause insurance issues depending on jurisdiction as many states mandate all licensed drivers in a household be on the policy (or one of their own).</p>

<p>Consider also if pushing this issue is worth it at this point, particularly if your father is funding/contributing heavily to your undergrad expenses. You don’t want to push him to the point of him withdrawing financial support for your education, or make life intolerable while still under his roof. </p>

<p>You may wish to defer this until you have your degree, and can be in a position to fend for yourself financially. I’m not saying it’s fair, (particularly if there are male dominant issues involving “privileges” your brother received and you haven’t) but it could well be the path of least resistance.</p>

<p>You may be faced with these issues for some time to come if your father is one that wants to control your life. If he is this controlling about a normal “rite of passage”, I might anticipate his desire to control your choice of jobs, where you live, or your choice of romantic partners.</p>

<p>Just my $.02. Good luck.</p>

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<p>This should read “At what age…”</p>

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<p>Call your family insurance agent to get the cost info. We’re all guessing about $$. I’ve known kids in NJ who have had to pay $5K a year for their insurance. They were boys, living in densely populated areas, & the cars were expensive, so that jacked up costs. Yours may be in the $500 range, but why guess when your agent knows the actual dollar cost? Then check your state motor vehicle website to make sure you don’t need professional driving instruction. As Violadad states, your brother may not be eligible to even bring you in for the road test if he hasn’t had has his license long enough. Also, you may not be able to take the exam in your family vehicle if there is no emergency brake in between the front seats. No use wasting time standing in a long line if you don’t have the preparation needed.</p>

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<p>Two people have mentioned this. How does this work? I thought an adulte could just show up and take the test, as long as he/she is there with a car to drive and a licensed driver to take him home in the car?</p>

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<p>I am living in California. My brother was 18 when we arrive in US, and got his license at 19. He is now 22. I think he is allowed to teach me to drive. I have been practicing almost a year now which is why I think I am ready. Anyway, I just got back from DMV. I waited almost 2 hours, and when it was my turn for the test, the instructor said that my left brake light was not working and I need to reschedule. I was really surprised and disappointed. When I went home, I asked my father to repair my brother’s car, so I could take the test, and he asked me to give him $200 and I said okay, then he added that I should just wait when he is not busy. </p>

<p>I am so annoyed now. I don’t want to fight my father especially that I know he is only doing this to protect me. Moreover, he said that I shouldn’t join any clubs, and only get internship if it is required. What matter’s most is graduating as soon as possible. As much as I don’t like my father’s attitude, I can’t deny I need him badly. I just wish he would be more understanding, and that he would listen more to what I am saying. </p>

<p>I really felt ashamed and useless not being able to drive especially because most people my age already have tons of driving experience. Besides, I have really not done anything except passing all my classes. My father is too strict, and I am a coward for letting him control me. I am just confuse and scared because I am still new to the country. However, I have a friend who also immigrated here for only a few years, but she was able to attend a good university in East Coast, and live on her own. I wish I can be like her. I don’t know why I am so weak. Life here seems so complicated.</p>

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<p>Midwest, the brother in this case might have been on a provisional license where he wasn’t allowed to instruct a new driver or bring her for the on-the-road test. (I see that’s not the case.) There are all kinds of bureaucracy layers that vary greatly from state to state. My D’s friends in NY have a much easier path to getting a license than we do in NJ. </p>

<p>Shadow, if your dad is charging you $200 for a brake light, something much deeper than fear of your driving is going on.</p>

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<p>MidwestMom:</p>

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<p>Largely true, but though it varies by state, there are longevity parameters as well as age criteria. If it were two 40 year olds, and the trainer held a license for a number of years, it’s a non-issue.</p>

<p>In CT, I’m virtually positive that you must have held a license for three years AND be over 18 to train someone, even a sibling. I’d suggest the OP access her state mv laws through their website to verify what their parameters are.</p>

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After all this why would you ask your father to repair your brother’s car so you could get a license? You know that’s just an opportunity for him to say “no” and hold one more thing over your head. You’re just playing into his control when you ask him to do everything like this. Take care of these issues like fixing the brake light yourself. Be independent.</p>

<p>btw - A brake light bulb is usually <$10 and is very easy to replace - your brother or you should be able to do it. He needs to fix it anyway. Is it really your brother’s car or is it your father’s car that he lets your brother drive?</p>

<p>IMO you also need to not let your father micromanage the clubs, etc. you join on a college campus.</p>

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<p>In California there are lots of requirements/restrictions for new drivers under the age of 18 including classroom instruction, behind the wheel instruction, provisional license restrictions, etc. </p>

<p>However, a new driver over 18 doesn’t have these restrictions. Basically, they just need to be taught to drive by a licensed driver over the age of 18. The new applicant then goes in and takes the test. That’s it.</p>

<p>[Driver</a> License and Identification (ID) Card Information](<a href=“Driver's License or ID Card Online Renewal - California DMV”>Driver's License or ID Card Online Renewal - California DMV)</p>

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<p>Yes, it is. Especially for someone who just brought an entire family to a new culture. That is probably why your father is so reluctant to let you have any freedom. While I can understand why he feels the way he does, that doesn’t make it what’s best for your future. Is there someone from your country who has lived here a little longer, someone your Dad respects and who can tell him about why you need to do more than go to class in order to be successful here?
YOu and your brother can probably find instructions on how to fix the brake light for your make and model of car online. The bulb will be well under $10 at an auto parts store or even a major discount store like WalMart (unless you have a very unusual car).</p>

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<p>The more I read this thread the more I’m inclined to think that OP’s family comes from a culture where the majority of cars are driven by males. An 18-yr old son was allowed to take driver’s test (and was given a car to drive!), but a daughter of roughly the same age is not because she might get into an accident? It does not make sense to me. Statistically, OP is a safer driver than her brother. There is statistical evidence that the rates of auto accidents are lower for female teen drivers than those for males of the same ages (although I heard the gap is getting narrower), which is reflected in the insurance rates.
Here is one of the first hits that came up when I did a search on the subject matter:</p>

<p>[Teenage</a> girls’ driving takes a turn for the worse](<a href=“http://www.insure.com/articles/carinsurance/teenage-drivers.html]Teenage”>http://www.insure.com/articles/carinsurance/teenage-drivers.html)</p>

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<p>You are an adult- no one can stop you from taking driving lessons from a driving school. You should let the professionals teach you instead of a family member since your family did not grow up here and learn all the nuances everyone takes for granted. I finally got my license when I needed a car for medical school hospital work- I had had driver’s ed in HS but getting the practice in was a problem. Right now your biggest problem is your dependence on your father. If you have the cash to give him you have the money to spend on lessons. Some schools even let people pay for extra time to get in the required hours needed for getting a license. If things don’t work out this year, you can do it in the future when you choose to. You don’t need to get a car/have car insurance/drive just because you have a license. </p>

<p>It is up to YOU, not your father, when you learn to drive. It is your fault, not his, if you don’t sign up for driving school. Your father can’t prohibit you from learning to drive. You would probably learn better habits and more skills without having him teach you (btw, my father only took me out practice driving once- I walked the last block home- big time personality clashes, thank heavens for mothers). PS- as a strong willed female I want to remind you that in this country women have all of the rights and priveleges men do- make that part of your mindset.</p>