<p>Sorry OP - but have to agree you seem to be over-reacting. Know plenty of women with advanced degrees/titles who would not respond to a database glitch or whatever in this way. They just wouldn’t care. Let it go. There are more worthy battles to fight.</p>
<p>fwiw, Christcorp, I believe the OP is an MD not a PhD. Although I doubt that would change your view. It doesn’t change mine, I know.</p>
<p>Agreed; that’s why I said “Doctor”. I’ve seen a lot of people who are MD and PhD who prefer to be called “Doctor”. Usually PhD’s. I have no problem with this. I think they have definitely earned that right. My point; as many have echoed; is if someone doesn’t address you by the right last name because of your married status confusing the issue; or if they don’t always say “Doctor”; etc… so what? I don’t know why it’s worth getting excited about. I have a unique last name that probably 90% of people will mispronounce. Oh well; I don’t let it bother me.</p>
<p>LWMD- never thought of you as an MD with the LW preceding it. Just scanned the thread (ought to be ding other stuff than goofing off online). </p>
<p>Totally understand your frustration, I also get ticked off when men get their title and women don’t. As a woman physician of the woman’s lib era I have lived through too much of the discrimination- I could be here all day citing examples. I never changed my name (nor did husband) and 20 letters plus a hyphen is too many if both names were combined, I may have changed mine if his had been a lot shorter than mine. I firmly believe if someone uses “Dr. him” they need to use “Dr. her” (or vice versa), even if it takes more space to spell out two names. I also resent people using my first name in stores and banks, especially when I never go by my formal first name or when they use others’ more easily pronounced last names- undue, incorrect familiarity.</p>
<p>It is a lot harder to get the doctor degree than the “Mrs.” title. I didn’t correct son’s friends when the kids called me Mrs. him, figured that they were respectful by using a title was good. Expecting people to use the “Dr.” title for physicians in nonmedical settings harkens back to the days when people always did so. However, my rule is, acknowledge one, acknowledge all- even if it takes more effort. I don’t use titles on mail, saves remembering which friend has/doesn’t have which degree. The informal envelope does just fine with the X family on it. I do not go by “Mrs. him”, I often will say it’s “Dr. her, but you can call me Ms. her or X (my first name) which is a lot shorter”- taking away the elite usage requirement but not yielding to inaccuracies just because it takes more effort to use a proper address.</p>
<p>At medical social functions you better believe I pull rank- first names or Dr., I may be married to a physician and am attending the function because of him, but I am a peer, not just Mrs. doctor Y. Other social functions- I expect the same treatment as other physicians. I do not consider it acceptable to be designated as the chattle of my husband, no matter how convenient it is for people. Of course, it doesn’t bother my husband, but men don’t seem to understand the power they have just by keeping their own names in a marriage, much less the usage of doctor so often. Some of you don’t see why it is such a big deal- but after putting in so much work to earn it I want the same recognition as the men with the degree.</p>
<p>I also have forever faced problems with a hard to pronounce last name, again, I deserve the same respect in title usage as those with simple names. It may not seem like a big deal to those with the easy way to be addressed, but they don’t have their identity constantly challenged. I do like the Ms title, marital status is immaterial for men, why should women be differentiated by it? The good old days were not so for many, traditions deserve updating to reflect current practices, such as names and occupational titles.</p>
<p>As far as the IRS is concerned- they need to use one name/SSN to keep the file together. One advantage of having kept my own name is in occasionally receiving two or even three coupons for our household- her, him and Mrs. him… In this day of divorce and parents with different names I have sometimes managed to get a husband reference in at son’s event where people don’t know us, especially since neither H nor I wear our wedding rings (don’t like jewelry and finger size changed).</p>
<p>LWMD, thanks for the thread. To those who don’t see it as a big deal- remember how important names and titles are. Think of all the ways people are put down by this- serfs, women, blacks…history is full of the significance.</p>
<p>^^ Well, yes. But we are not talking about a human being, or even an institution, failing to give proper recognition. We are talking about a mail merge program in a data base. I think when one feels “put down” because an inanimate object gets it wrong, just because the software is not detailed or robust… well, I would save my umbrage for put-downs IRL.</p>
<p>To the Herr Professor Doctor LWMD: Don’t take yourself so seriously.</p>
<p>wis–I guess I think it’s not such a big deal because my MD H did not think so; in fact, as I said, he went out of his way not to use “Dr” because he believed his degree did not set him apart from anyone else, except in professional circumstances. One of the many things I find endearing about him.</p>
<p>Christcorp and others, it is with threads like these that I am glad that I do live in the part of the country that I live in, where husbands and wives having different last names and kids having hyphenated last names isn’t looked down upon. It may not be the “usual,” but it certainly isn’t considered “abnormal.” I kept my name, not my “maiden” name, just the name I was given at birth. I never use the title Mrs. Husband’s name. It’s not my name. Guess what? My kids have hyphenated names, the horror! They aren’t the least bit insecure-they seem to be very well adjusted. I would NEVER question a woman who assumed her husband’s last name upon marriage, and am wondering why the opposite exists.</p>
<p>“…I am glad that I do live in the part of the country that I live in, where…kids having hyphenated last names isn’t looked down upon…”</p>
<p>I think many people across the U.S. tend to view with derision parents who hyphenate kids’ last names. Friends have found out the hard way that even people in the SF Bay Area aren’t as friendly toward hyphenated last names for kids as they were in the 1970s.</p>
<p>My kids have had hyphenated names for 23 and 21 years, respectively. The last issue we had with it was when the 23 year old was born and the hospital was preparing paperwork for the birth certificate. No derision, no confusion, no criticism since. There weren’t loads of kids with hyphenated names as my kids grew up in the mid 80s, but enough that it just wasn’t ever an issue. The biggest problem was remembering that American Airlines and Southwest won’t accept the hyphen for frequent flyer numbers!</p>
<p>I have known many families where the children’s surnames are the hyphenated surnames of their parents.</p>
<p>I always wondered what Mary Jones-White and John Brown-Smith will name their children!</p>
<p>momof3sons: your preferences are only brought into question because there are (only) a few centuries of male-dominated nomenclature as a precedent. Such a break from tradition is worthy–in my opinion–of a second glance. In addition, hyphenating names is no new shtick, it is only revolutionary to the middle class: ever heard of the Mountbatten-Windsors, or the Holstein-Gottorp-Romanovs? Flaubert is rolling over in his grave.</p>
<p>I don’t know. I understand that you may have different preferences, but I don’t see the need to keep your name especially when it so easily confuses other people. Personally, I would prefer my wife to take my name when I get married, but if she doesn’t, that’s fine.</p>
<p>As for the OP: send a polite note requesting that they address you as you would prefer from now on. Perhaps a phone call would do just as well.</p>
<p>^^^
Either Joe Jones-White Brown-Smith or Jane Jones-White Brown-Smith.</p>
<p>Or if it matters which last name comes first:</p>
<p>Joe Brown-Smith-Jones-White or Jane Brown-Smith-Jones-White.</p>
<p>It can get pretty ridiculous. I don’t see what the big deal is with that though. I’d personally hate to have last names like that. But if you have it so be it. It’s only a name.</p>
<p>As for the OP, it’s a database error. There’s probably many different departments that have different databases that got it from one main db which originally had it wrong. It really shouldn’t be a big deal. If you know the mail is for you then it really shouldn’t be an issue. It’s not like the computer means to offend you.</p>
<p>I hyphenate my last name, and have for 33 years. My kids use my husband’s last name. I get addressed every combination, none of which offends me. I really don’t care if the person entering the information shortens my looooong name, as long as they get my childrens’ names correct on their diplomas. Your child has 2 years left and if you don’t like how they address solicitations for donations after graduation, don’t give.</p>
<p>Hey, in other cultures, what we would consider “strings” of last names are quite common. Maria Helena Lopez Padilla Nunez (first name, middle name, father’s last name, mother’s last name, last name of Maria’s husband). Not even sure if I got that order exactly right, but you get the idea. She may refer to herself as Maria Nunez when dealing with friends, her son’s teachers and other matters relating to her current nuclear family. She might use Maria Lopez Padilla for her professional dealings, whatever profession that might be.</p>
<p>We can all adapt to however complicated it might be and respect the choices of the individual/family, imho.</p>
<p>I also wouldn’t be surprised if Maria (or the above-mentioned Jones-White-Brown-Smiths) were put out by people refusing to respect their choices in nomenclature.</p>
<p>What I don’t get is getting all upset about what some computer program spits out on an envelope, when it really doesn’t reflect any disrespect or negative judgment at all.</p>
<p>The hyphenated names of my children are actually quite short- 2 syllables-1 syllable. My daughter does plan to take her husband’s name in June when she marries.</p>
<p>Where’s my violin???</p>
<p>Momof3… No where did I put down a woman keeping her maiden name. either in hyphen or static. Nor did I put down children for having a hyphenated last name. I even mentioned my wife having a hyphenated last name for professional reasons. </p>
<p>If I put anyone down, then the only comment I can see that I said that might be close, is where I said the OP seemed a little insecure if it bothered her. If you think that implies that I am putting you or her down, then OH well.</p>
<p>Where you live is no different than where I live. But if it makes you feel somehow better believing that you live in a more euphoric progressive community than the rest of us, then I’m glad for you. If something as simple as mistaking your last name because of cultural norms (Which is not a bad thing just because you don’t fit it), then you didn’t do such a good job during your ERA fight building up self esteem and reducing insecurity.</p>
<p>Maybe we do live in different parts of the world. I settled here 15 countries later; after living in NYC, London, Amsterdam, Madrid, LA, and many other large cities. MOST of the professionals I work and socialize with aren’t hung up about titles and such. I’ve got friends such as 1 doctor who doesn’t care if you say; Hey doc, Doctor Martin, or Carol. She couldn’t care less. If it bothers you so much, I’m sorry. That’s your burden. My wife doesn’t have a problem if someone refers to her by my last name instead of hers. </p>
<p>Oh, for what it’s worth. I’ve spoken to my wife and our next child if it’s a boy, will be "Hector Hernandez-Fernandez-Sanchez-Guadalupe-Martinez-Rodriquez III. We’ll probably just call him Bob.</p>
<p>Can we keep this conversation in context? OP was upset that she was addressed improperly as the parent of an adult student by the student’s school. In the long run, what does it matter what the school calls her? Its her child’s name that must be properly recorded for diploma, grading, alumni assoc. purposes. No offense to OP, but why should the school care whether they have YOUR name correct on their records? Why should you care so much in this context?</p>
<p>I am still referred to by my name from my previous marriage . I was divorced thirteen years ago, remarried 11 years ago,
I am not offended. It is either school or my older kids friends that call me Mrs R*****.
Just like when telemarketers ask for my husband by switching his last name and first ( either of which could be a first name ) No sweat, it just gives us the heads up who is calling.</p>
<p>There was another (now gone) thread where the title and the tone of the original post rubbed some people the wrong way. Though I dont think it was intentional at all, that title and original post did come across to some as a bit entitled (no pun intended), and people reacted strongly and too often, IMO, unnecessarily harshly, setting a bad tone for the responss in the thread. (It was the scholarship thread where the OP ws trying to figure out if the college applied the scholarship as it was written, and whether they might be owed an adjustment on their tuition bill). Please, lets not go back into a discussion about that thread. The reason I bring it up is that I think perhaps that is what has happened here. Perhaps if the OP had started with “I am finding myself frustrated by my inability to get my s’s school to straighten out its database and get my name right–anyone else have any experience with this??” She might have gotten very different responses instead of the “get a life” type responses that pepper this thread. If an initial post or thread title sounds indignant or entitled, it all too often seems to give tacit permission to have a field day attacking the poster. Lets give her a break. </p>
<p>I can understand how the OP feels, and while I don’t think it would bother me as much,I can understand her frustration at not being able to get the glitch fixed. It perhaps seems like no one cares but her, and that can feel hurtful. Also, haven’t most of you been frustrated with something that you think youve taken care of over and over, and the same thing hapeens over and over? Its probably something trivial, but its annoying none the less. For me, its my cleaning people putting my sheets on upside down (ie with the wrong side up) all the time. Yes its silly. Yes its trivial. Yes I am lucky to have cleaning people change my beds. But STILL, despite using Babelfish to translate my simple request into portugese, despite drawing (albeit terrible) pictures and leaving little notes to point to the right and wrong side of the sheets, they STILL DO IT. I have begun to think its on purpose just to bug me!! Is it the end of the world? No. But is it frustrating (as the OPs situation), you betcha.
So, come on-- give her a break. For those who have lived all over the world, common courtesy and tact is, I thought, universal.</p>