<p>It might also be that if you are in an intense PHD program, you have to be so focused on your work at this time that you are not interacting with people who are not in your department. If it’s possible, you might want to pursue a non-work related interest-club, religious or political interest- and really get to know some people who share a common interest. Not just for the possibility of romance of course-but that might come out of it!</p>
<p>First of all, most kids are actually quite beautiful to their parents. You’ll probably understand why someday. It’s something that goes very deep. </p>
<p>But second, what makes people attractive is a mixture of looks and personality. It is a pleasure to look at a beauty. But it’s also a pleasure to look at someone who makes you happy, who makes you laugh, who “gets” you, who shares your values, etc. I had a best friend who was very homely. I couldn’t wait to see her face every day. People who make you happy ARE beautiful.</p>
<p>I do understand what cupcakes is saying and because I have some experience in appearing invisible, stressed early to my children that personality trumps beauty. My 19 year old son knows this and agrees with it, yet looks, for him and his friends are extremely important…at his age. In order for men to be won over by personality, one needs to be working with them, thus having daily interactions where the real you can be seen. Clubs, parties etc. is where your invisibility gives your personality no chance.</p>
<p>All that to say, cupcakes, don’t give up. If you can work for an organization where there are men of the calibre you would be interested in, there’s a greater likelihood you will be noticed.</p>
<p>Yes, there are reasons that bars, dances, parties and other crowded social situations are often referred to as “meat markets” where people will have their physical attributes displayed. It doesn’t mean that EVERYONE is into that scene, even if it sometimes may “feel” like it. I agree that getting to know people in things you care about–clubs, volunteer orgs, church group, drama, school activities, is where your intelligence and personality can shine and be noticed and appreciated.</p>
<p>Agreed, HImom.</p>
<p>A good example is music–no one in the band cares what you look like as long as you can do that oboe solo when the time comes!</p>
<p>Or folk/square dancing (if you’re into that)–that is a group of people that welcomes you, no questions asked, as long as you have two working feet!</p>
<p>I have a friend who also constantly runs down her looks, feels people are judging her, etc. The truth, of course, is that she’s the one judging herself so harshly, not anyone else. Took years of therapy to figure this out, but she’s had successful relationships. I suspect cupcake will come to realize it’s her, not others. Not her being ugly, but her thinking everyone thinks she’s ugly.</p>
<p>For cupcake:</p>
<p>I know many women who are smart and homely or plain, and still have romantic partners, husbands – smart guy who love them – and kids. </p>
<p>Two specifics come to mind, too. One of my friend’s mom was a hunchback, and was plain, at best. She married a man who adored her. </p>
<p>I also have a friend who’s about 30, and is an Asian immigrant. She told me that in China, she was considered ugly, and her parents and relatives told her to study hard in school because her looks wouldn’t get her anything. While she’s considered fat and ugly in China, in the U.S., she’s considered to be “hot” and models and has gotten into acting. She’s also got married – to an American who thinks she’s beautiful.</p>
<p>Another one of my friends always considered herself ugly and unloveable. That’s what her father – who was abusive and mean – always told her she was. She also had a big nose with a bump on it – the kind of nose that caused her to always get chosen as the wicked witch in kids’ plays. At age 39, she fell in love at first sight with her college professor. The feeling was reciprocated. They were married for almost 30 years before he died. </p>
<p>Anyway, regardless of what your parents told you, you probably can find love and romance. Probably what’s keeping you from that is low self esteem including the way that you probably carry yourself, which may either be a posture that looks like you feel like you’re ugly or a posture that wards off men from making friendly approaches.</p>
<p>No matter what you look like, there probably is some decent who’d love you.</p>
<p>let me say this… I hate to be over-modest, but I am extremely-good-looking. But since I’m such an ****<strong><em>, girls can’t stand to be around me more than week. But here’s the deal, I don’t know when I’m being an *</em></strong><strong><em>, but when I am, I will NEVER notice. It’s just my natural personality to be arrogant, and like I said, you would have to throw water on me to get me to notice when I am. It sucks, it really does. I didn’t read this entire thread, only the first two posts, but the 2nd poster is right; girl’s DO NOT care what you look like, if you have the right type of personality and sense of humor. And this is a problem, too. My sense of humor is something you would find off a Monty Python skit, but I think the *</em></strong> I say is funny, so I just tell people to **** off. But yeah, if you’re shy and bad looking; you will never get a girl. However, if you’re bad looking, and confident, while maintining your composure; just go up to the girl and STRIKE HER with your humor and personality. This is a flank, preventing her from seeing your face. Then she’ll be all yours.</p>
<p>…lol Now her friends will be an entirely different story. I would recommend buying them **** and sucking up to them, so they will say good things about you. Lol I have a huge problem with all of my ex gf’s friends, to. They strayed my gf’s away from me, 'cuz I was some good-looking prick! lol, looks can ONLY GET SO FAR! and plus when i was in middle school, I was not good looking at all. You can be surprised how quickly your appearance can change on you. Lol, like in Zoolander. In 10th grade, I looked into a spoon and found out that I was really, really good looking!</p>
<p>Take my advice, and go for it! And when it works, please put some cash in my Paypal account.</p>
<p>Another example showing that there’s someone for everyone. The below couple just had a baby, too. </p>
<p>"Disability couldn’t stop Mich. woman’s quest for romance</p>
<p>Some of us worry we won’t find true love because our noses are too big, our breasts too small, our hair too thin.</p>
<p>Shannon Wiltse, however, was born without several standard parts and never imagined her disability would inhibit romance. Yet well into her 20s, every guy she asked for affection replied: “No, thanks. Let’s just be friends.”</p>
<p>She had plenty of friends. She wanted a lover. At least she wanted a date – a good time with a guy that could turn into something more.</p>
<p>So, at 28, she took what felt like a last, desperate step: She turned to the Internet.</p>
<p>Six days after she listed herself on a dating service, a man in New York, 350 miles away, sent this simple e-mail:</p>
<p>“I was checking out the profiles and came across yours. You seem like a nice person to get to know.”</p>
<p>Allen DeWall knew from her photo that she had blond hair, lively eyes and a million-buck smile. From her profile, he knew she loved cats and Pink Floyd.</p>
<p>She also used a wheelchair. He didn’t know anybody else in a wheelchair. But it seemed like no big deal…</p>
<p>The time had come for frankness.</p>
<p>“You need to know,” Shannon told Allen, “that I’m missing everything from the knees down, on both legs, and on my left arm from the elbow down, and on my right hand I have one digit, just one finger.”…"
[Disability</a> couldn’t stop Mich. woman’s quest for romance | Freep.com | Detroit Free Press](<a href=“http://freep.com/article/20080713/COL02/807130634]Disability”>http://freep.com/article/20080713/COL02/807130634)</p>
<p>"From a unique romance, baby is born
Love story of mom with no legs, partial arms</p>
<p>Shannon and Allen DeWall of Livonia — whose romance was chronicled in the Free Press last year — welcomed a baby boy, Noah Robert, on Wednesday at St. Joseph Mercy Hospital in Ann Arbor…"
<a href=“http://freep.com/article/20090413/FEATURES01/90413048/From+a+unique+romance++baby+is+born[/url]”>http://freep.com/article/20090413/FEATURES01/90413048/From+a+unique+romance++baby+is+born</a></p>
<p>Northstarmom–what a wonderful story!</p>
<p>I’m glad they had a baby, too. :)</p>
<p>Cupcake, the best way to make new friends, boyfriends, whatever, is to be interested in other people. You would be surprised how beautiful you can become to someone if you show genuine interest in them. But it’s hard to do this if all you’re thinking is how ugly you are. So, you’re ugly. But you’re smart and witty too. Why harp on being ugly? It’s time to move on and define yourself in other ways! </p>
<p>I know a woman who is extremely homely. But she is friendly, inquisitive, fun to talk to and has a great smile. Everyone likes her, men and women. (And, she’s married.)<br>
I know another woman who is very physically attractive. People are drawn to her because of her looks. But she is very self involved and being with her becomes a chore of listening to her go on and on about herself. I start to notice physical flaws (wow, her lips are kind of thin and her chin is pointy, etc), because she is so tiresome. This woman has few friends because of her personality. </p>
<p>You say your only options are the bottom of the barrel men. Why would you say that? Your are pigeonholing men, just as men pigeonhole you because of your looks. Don’t you think there are plenty of men like you – smart, interesting, but no prizewinners in the looks dept?</p>
<p>You have to give people a chance to get over your looks. We are visual creatures and some of us are a little shallow. If you’re persistent in an open, friendly, generous way, people, even men, will eventually respond to you. Then you will become “Cupcake” to them, not an ugly person!</p>
<p>To answer your questions, your relatives aren’t lying, they really DO see you that way. But they know you far more than a simple picture on “hot or not”. </p>
<p>If it helps you, there seems to be sooo little correlation between what a guy looks like in HS and what they look like a little later on. Lotta guys I would NEVER have dated in HS were my dream men when I was in college and somewhat older. Likewise, after going to a few reunions and seeing my old HS flames on Facebook…whoa, what changes! Some of the biggest cuties and jocks back then, are now quite round with a lot of missing hair and likewise some of the geeky boys back then are now quite the handsome dudes. (I’m sure the same can be said for women by men).</p>
<p>Good luck and don’t fret! You have lots of years to go yet.</p>
<p>You are all doing EXACTLY what everyone else does - making assumptions about me because of the way I look. Yet you haven’t even seen me! </p>
<p>Contrary to popular belief, I am not a social outcast with no friends. In fact I am pretty much the opposite. I have lots of friends both male and female, and participate in a wide range of activities, including music to a semi-professional level (I get paid for it, but decided not to pursue this full time). </p>
<p>RE ugly men - they can have any girl they want because women do not mind about looks. This is the reason why I posted in the first place. To point out this fact to the OP.</p>
<p>
This sums up the situation nicely. It is not changable and I accept that. It is something I have known from a very young age. Luckily I have always been very intelligent and hardworking, so I am able to achieve in other areas of my life. There is some satisfaction that at least I know everything I have I have earned.</p>
<p>“ugly men - they can have any girl they want because women do not mind about looks. This is the reason why I posted in the first place. To point out this fact to the OP.”</p>
<p>This is not true at all. There are plenty of women who wouldn’t want to date an ugly man. Just look around: Most people date and marry someone similar to themselves in looks. The only time ugly men get beautiful women tends to be when the man is rich, famous or powerful.</p>
<p>"You are all doing EXACTLY what everyone else does - making assumptions about me because of the way I look. Yet you haven’t even seen me! </p>
<p>Contrary to popular belief, I am not a social outcast with no friends. In fact I am pretty much the opposite. I have lots of friends both male and female, and participate in a wide range of activities, including music to a semi-professional level (I get paid for it, but decided not to pursue this full time). "</p>
<p>Not ALL here assume that you have no friends. You have clearly said that you have friends, but have never had a romantic relationship with a man. If you are happy with your life, continue as it is. If, though, you want to have love, romance, babies that you give birth to then get some help for yourself – counseling help because your way of looking at the world is wrong.</p>
<p>There are plenty of ordinary, homely and downright ugly women who have loving partners who are good, decent people. Open your eyes, and you’ll see such people.</p>
<p>
I disagree with this. Women just value looks less than men. Nothing else to say about it, really.</p>
<p>Women value money, power, fame more than they value looks when it comes to choosing a mate. This makes sense because historically, it has been far more difficult for women to obtain on their own money, power or fame.</p>
<p>Chicks dig semi-professional musicians…trust me, I know.</p>
<p>Yes, women like celebrities – including local musicians even if they are homely. Talent and fame also can attract men to homely women. Susan Doyle is now getting letters from men who are infatuated because of her awesome voice.</p>
<p>Just to add-- not sure if this would convince the OP that romance is possible, but – my mom’s best friend had severe scoliosis, in the time when you could do little about it. Non-PC–she was a severe hunchback. However, she ended up marrying a gorgeous, 6 foot tall man whom all the girls in my mom’s circle pined for. </p>
<p>The thing – while it’s probably true that -most- men value looks and would, given the choice, perhaps prefer someone who is rated more highly on a traditional-physical attractiveness scale–that’s not the whole story. The fact is, even if you were to assume that the odds are against someone less attractive, you don’t need to date every guy — you just need to date (probably) one (maybe 2 or 3) guys at a time. So even if you buy your own story and say that the vast majority of men would not pursue you – you don’t -need- the vast majority. You just need one or two whom you come in contact w/during your hobbies, activites, etc. You are short-changing yourself severely by saying that you couldn’t find one of those, or that they would only exist in prison, etc.</p>
<p>I know a number of women who would be rated (on a superficial scale) as less attractive than their husbands. But, the husbands are loyal and attentive. I’m sure you’ve heard of celebrities – famous for their beauty — who have multiple, unsuccessful marriages/relationships. </p>
<p>Bottom line – don’t let (what you perceive as) the majority preference dictate your ultimate future. It’s making a global, irrevocable conclusion that doesn’t necessarily follow from the facts.</p>
<p>"Just to add-- not sure if this would convince the OP that romance is possible, but – my mom’s best friend had severe scoliosis, in the time when you could do little about it. Non-PC–she was a severe hunchback. However, she ended up marrying a gorgeous, 6 foot tall man whom all the girls in my mom’s circle pined for. "</p>
<p>Yes. My friend’s mother was a hunchback due to scoliosis, and married a college professor who adored her.</p>