<p>I am much younger than the adults on this site so I wanted to get your opinion/advice…</p>
<p>So many people say the most unthoughtful things. They aren’t particularly interested in anything but themselves. They make fun of others…and they get away with it. Because people who deal with them RARELY if ever put them in their place. </p>
<p>WHY?</p>
<p>I would love to tell people who are selfish, nasty, critical, downright mean…but I and everyone else do not because it is just not worth the backlash.</p>
<p>So these people go about their lives feeling as though everything is absolutely wonderful while, in fact, they spew out negativity and heartless remarks and hurt people’s feelings like me (who happens to be sensitive and caring about how I speak to others).</p>
<p>“I would love to tell people who are selfish, nasty, critical, downright mean…but I and everyone else do not because it is just not worth the backlash.”</p>
<p>Maybe also because it’s not likely to work, and generally not the business of one adult to be the kindness police for another. Speaking up in defense of a person being insulted, absolutely, we should do that. But putting the mean person “in her place” is very tough to do without being rude or mean oneself.</p>
<p>You have to be careful because people can actually get killed by getting into altercations which usually start as words and then escalate.</p>
<p>But if you feel that’s not a concern then there’s the point that whatever you say to them will likely NOT ‘put them in their place’ because they’ll think that they’re correct and you’re wrong and are often clueless about being able to see beyond themselves in the first place.</p>
<p>But if you feel that the person might be a little more open than that, then if you come back at them with something similarly nasty, critical, etc. then they’ll just get defensive, close up to any input, and harbor even nastier feeleings against you.</p>
<p>But if you feel that the person might be a little more open and you can manage to convey your message in a context that they’ll be receptive to, then give it a shot.</p>
<p>The best way to handle someone like this is to be assertive, without being rude, which is not easy. Many people tend to become passive aggressive with this type of person, which is an ineffective and indirect way of handling it. Being assertive, not being passive or aggressive takes practice. There are lots of books out there on being assertive.</p>
<p>It’s a great art to putting people in their place if they’re being rude. First you have to judge the circumstance, determine the mood of the moment and then decide if its really worth the effort. (I only wish more people would do this with their own kids!)</p>
<p>I hate to confront people and will put up with a lot but I have a limit. Years ago, I had a co-worker who refused to give me reports and other information which she claimed she didn’t have or that she had already given me. (note: i had gotten a promotion she wanted). I put up with this carp for a few months and then one day I calmly walked into her office, closed the door and told her that I knew what she was up to and that it would stop now. Of course she claimed to have no idea what I was talking about, but I did not accept that. I calmly told her that I did not care at all if she did not like me, but she was going to have to work with me. Then I walked out.</p>
<p>No more problems.</p>
<p>Most bullies back down when others stand up to them</p>
<p>And she never knew that I was shaking inside the whole time I was talking to her.</p>
<p>Maybe I know tougher people but the people I know will NOT back down if confronted. They just talk and criticize more! </p>
<p>One person (I’ll call her S) who is seriously critical of everyone was asked by someone if she “had an insult for her that night.” S calmly and with a smile as though she liked the question and attention said “No insult for you tonight.” </p>
<p>I wish there was a way of letting her know in a way she’d understand that she is a nasty, hurtful person! Would she even care? She honestly acts as though she knows she is the best.</p>
<p>Some people are just plain old bullies. Do not bother to change them, you will only get hurt, and will not get far. Winning is more important to them than being liked or even “right”.
Then there are the debaters, that always want to prove they are right. Again, they are not likely to be interested in your point of view- they like to hear themselves talk, and want the last word, no matter what.
So, it depends on what the “mean” person is like. </p>
<p>In political situations, you have to judge who has more “power” and “currency”, then decide what strategy fits the situation, how big a risk it would be to do x vs y.</p>
<p>Some people are just plain selfish and insensitive. Others are clueless- these are the ones that might benefit from hearing your side, and some guidance.</p>
<p>This is hard stuff. Experience will build your intuitions and tactical successes. But human nature and situations like these are infinitely varied.</p>
Why do you care if she knows she’s nasty? I know someone like this, although her name doesn’t begin with “S”. I think her sny remarks are ‘just her way’. Maybe you could look at her comments differently, to appreciate them (if that’s possible.)</p>
<p>The general rule is you have to pick your battles. Life is too short to spend it outraged at every disagreeable word or deed. Every now and then there is some thing or some situation that is too important to just let it slide and you have to speak up. But for most of the petty incidents of rudeness, unfairness, selfishness, etc. that one encounters on a daily basis, you have to choose to shrug it off and move on. Otherwise you’ll make yourself miserable and live an unhappy life.</p>
<p>I totally agree with you, OP, but I am as guilty as the next about not reacting because it might result in a worse confrontation.</p>
<p>I have a standard line that I use for the few instances when I can’t contain myself. It is “How rude!” and then I move on. For some reason, that statement leaves them speechless.</p>
<p>If this ‘S’ person is so nasty and rude, why are you or anyone else talking to her or listening to her anymore - assuming she’s an acquaintance (I already know she’s not a friend) and not your parent/sibling/etc.? </p>
<p>Don’t feed these people. It’s kind of like feeding the trolls who come to CC from time to time. As long as you react (one way or the other but IMO they like to know they tweaked you) they get reinforcement and continue their behavior. The next time she starts talking nasty to you just sort of turn around and walk away without saying a thing. That speaks more and will probably have more effect than anything you can come up with to say. If enough people did this the person would probably eventually get the message or at a minimum wouldn’t have an audience for her nastiness anymore.</p>
<p>Maybe I’m not mature enough yet but I want the world to be just. In other words I don’t want nasty people to have a good life (which often they do) and I want nice people to have a wonderful life (which often they don’t). Seems to me that the nastier, snobbier the woman the nicer the guy she ends up with.</p>
<p>I am still in the process of trying to figure this all out but it sure seems that good women finish last - meaning they get the raw end of the deal, while selfish mean ones triumph.</p>
<p>OP, What will keep you sane is being the person you want to be, knowing your worth, and being self-fulfilled. Focus on that. Let the rest roll off your back.</p>
<p>I actually DO really like myself and know that I am a good person, but it makes me SO MAD when I see really nasty, selfish people getting the nicest boyfriends who adore them. Why does this happen…</p>
<p>I see it in my parents friends too - the snobbiest women who tend to look down on others (won’t even say hello if you are not in their “popular” group) end up married to the kindest sweetest guys who seem to adore them and they seem to be so happy and absolutely do not care how many people they hurt by their actions.</p>
<p>“I actually DO really like myself and know that I am a good person, but it makes me SO MAD when I see really nasty, selfish people getting the nicest boyfriends who adore them. Why does this happen…”</p>
<p>I think sometimes people like being kept on their toes. They find it interesting, stimulating, a challenge, to be with a person such as the one you describe. And sometimes, they grow tired of it, eventually. </p>
<p>Don’t stress over things that are out of your control. You don’t really know the whole story of the situations you describe, or how they will end up. Life is not always fair, but there is often a poetic justice or karma, if you will, in the long run. Oftentimes, people get what is coming to them. But, don’t make it your concern, unless it directly affects you. Focus on what you do, the person you are, how you behave. Let go of resentment, rise above it.</p>