<p>I guess I would like to change the world to make it a fair place but it is not. How do I accept that? I’m young and I want to change the world!!! I also want people to get what they dish out but I find that this is NOT the case…seems to me that the meaner you are the better your life is.</p>
<p>"I want nice people to have a wonderful life.
…it sure seems that good women finish last.
…but it makes me SO MAD when I see really nasty, selfish people getting the nicest boyfriends who adore them.</p>
<p>I hope you are able to distinguish between what’s been done to you, that you have no power or control over- and what you can work to change. There is an awful lot of angry, maybe even victim coming through. Glass half empty. I am amazed at the number of kind and thoughtful people out there. </p>
<p>I believe strongly in ethical principles and doing kindnesses for others, doing hard service for people in need. Maybe that moves me off the little insults and small interpersonal injustices. I also believe that while “nice” often means people think they “have to” put up with others they don’t enjoy, you nearly always have the option of walking away.</p>
<p>There is so much true cruelty and inequity out there. Pick your battles wisely. Go pay it forward.</p>
<p>I think I feel emotions of others very deeply - and what others feel affects me. Any way for me to toughen up?</p>
<p>Like yesterday I saw this student sitting in the cafeteria at school alone and looking like she was going to cry. I sat next to her and spoke to her and asked if she was ok. She told me that she was a freshman and how the girls on her floor teased her about her pimply skin. </p>
<p>This is what makes me SO MAD. The other girls on her floor go around all happy and carefree while they have hurt this girl and it doesn’t effect them for one minute.</p>
<p>The injustices of life really touch me and I wish I could go on her floor and embarrass all those girls who hurt her - but you know that could never happen (they truly DON’T CARE)…so once again the mean people get away with being mean!</p>
<p>BTW I made plans to meet for dinner tomorrow night with this girl.</p>
<p>“I think I feel emotions of others very deeply - and what others feel affects me. Any way for me to toughen up?”</p>
<p>Yes, experience. I can relate, as I used to be a lot like you. It’s a good thing to be sensitive.</p>
<p>It was kind of you to talk with the freshman and arrange to meet again. You are to be commended for being a kind and sensitive person. </p>
<p>What will drive you crazy is feeling the need to avenge every injustice and put the perpetrators in their place. The behavior of the residents on the floor speaks volumes of their character and unless you are present, you don’t have to do a thing, other than what you have done, extend kindness to their victim. You only have control over your own behavior. They are defining themselves by their behavior. That will be it’s own consequence. Don’t own other people’s problems. Their behavior is their problem and theirs to overcome or not. Don’t build up resentment of it. Let go of it, it’s on them. I hope this makes sense to you.</p>
<p>Not to imply one should not speak up when a witness to this type of thing. Just stop owning the problem, like it’s your problem to fix.</p>
<p>If you do experience this type of thing directly and have difficulty handling it, I recommend picking up a book on assertiveness. You may find it quite helpful. There have been times that I have been so shocked by a rude or hurtful statement, that I have been literally speechless. That can be frustrating. I found a few books on assertiveness very enlightening.</p>
<p>I do, not only mean people, but also mean acts of nice people (happens sometime). However, I would not do it at work, not worth it, I do not care how I am treated and even how much I am paid (more important than first), all I care is to have a job. I am pretty much thick skinned as far as job environment and never take it personally. I am not there to teach people a lesson, please, keep me there, this is the only thing I am concern and I have no plans to retire, they will have to kick me out, just love my job.</p>
<p>
For the same reason that Batman doesn’t kill the Joker.</p>
<p>When mean people come into our lives it is best to avoid their poison. I tend to feel that is can be contagious. When an outright attack on our character or person or children comes into play I usually have pity figuring that they are usually jeolous or miserable in their own lives.</p>
<p>OP, I feel for you and your altruism and sensitivity. Quite often it’s hard to swallow, and can even feel like a blow when someone says something cutting to you (or you observe it). If it drives you this crazy there are some coping mechanisms:</p>
<p>Avoid the mean people as much as possible. People are meaner and think it’s cool to be meaner, in certain parts of the country. Seek out friendlier people, places and regions.</p>
<p>Take a deep breath, and let it out (letting out all the ugliness) when you hear one of those mean remarks. That loud exhale might communicate something to the mean person. If not…</p>
<p>Say something - it can be plain, like saying “wow, that was…” and you can be as honest or as oblique as you like. You can even try humor. Miss Manners advised someone recently who was hounded for being a stay-at-home mom, that if she couldn’t just smile it away to say something like, “well, I spend so much time eating chocolates and reading novels that I can barely entertain my three lovers”. It takes some practice to come up with these things in the heat of the moment, but you can consider it an exercise in creative thinking. </p>
<p>Remember, “you live by the sword, you die by the sword”. Those mean girls getting ahead in the world? It won’t last, not if they surround themselves with such ugliness. Those guys choosing them? Do you want someone that dim? Probably not, although I admit it’s hard to wait for them to wake up. </p>
<p>If all else fails, reread the “smile and nod, smile and nod” thread here in the Parent Cafe!</p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/926354-just-smile-nod-smile-nod.html?highlight=smile+and+nod[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/926354-just-smile-nod-smile-nod.html?highlight=smile+and+nod</a></p>
<p>It is my experience that the more characterologically disturbed do not in fact have good lives. I’m not sure that these are the same as the “mean” people you describe, but I am sure there is some overlap. The more disturbed, have indeed, been “put in there pace”, and it is pretty miserable. I am all for taking care of business in the work place, and in close relationships, but outside of that, it helps to know I am not suffering like they are.</p>
<p>"This is what makes me SO MAD. The other girls on her floor go around all happy and carefree while they have hurt this girl and it doesn’t effect them for one minute.</p>
<p>The injustices of life really touch me and I wish I could go on her floor and embarrass all those girls who hurt her "</p>
<p>Seriously, you are trying to help this girl, and you think hurting the other girls would somehow help her?</p>
<p>I am not including the girls you seem to be describing as among the “disturbed”.</p>
<p>And rest assured, seemingly “nice, wonderful” people who stay in abusive relationships stay for their own reasons.</p>
<p>Present company who might be reading this and disagree excepted…</p>
<p>OP, you did the right thing. There’s an expression, maybe Catholic: “Evil may be strong but good is stronger.” When I first heard it, the tag line was, “So multiply the good you do.”</p>
<p>I may have that wrong, but think about it. And, as you can, help others and serve as an example.</p>
<p>I DO serve as an example…but I see over and over again, kids my age and adults my parents age that mean, nasty people seem to get exactly what they want. They group together, tend to be the “popular” crowd meaning that they have tons of friends and adoring really nice boyfriends and husbands. From what Ive seen the nastier the woman or girl, the nicer the guy she gets.</p>
<p>I think that we should always question our assumptions. I’ve seen nice girls get entangled with mean guys. I’ve seen mean guys with mean girls. I’ve seen really nice guys with really nice girls (and mean guys with mean guys, mean girls with mean girls, nice guys or nice girls making a pair of nice people…so many possibilities).</p>
<p>Life is usually more complicated than what we see on the surface. “Mean people” probably do not realize that they are being mean. It would be the rare person who would get up in the morning and intentionally be unkind that day. Most people are basically good but make mistakes. We really can never know what is going on in other people’s lives, their very private struggles or experiences. I think that when people appear to be “winning” at life (whatever that means), those mistakes are harder to forgive. </p>
<p>I bet that the folks you are considering to be “mean people” tend to see themselves in a different light. They may focus on how good they are to their parents or family, or the work they do on the weekends to give back to whatever cause they are involved in. When they slip, with unkind humor or exclusive behavior, they look at that as an exception to their normal way of doing business. Can any of us really say for sure that we are never mean, inconsiderate, or exclusive, even by accident?</p>
<p>I think one way to be mean is to make assumptions about people and to judge them. I don’t think that about you, OP, because I have read about the kind way that you treated a peer. Even if I might think, “Why is she jumping to judgement about people?” I can certainly stop myself and remember that you are spreading kindness where you can. </p>
<p>One thing I like to do when I get really disgusted by what I see in people is to remember how truly disappointed God must be by each of us a lot of the time. If He can keep forgiving us over and over, the least I can can do is borrow a little of that Grace and pass it on to others.</p>
<p>^Spidey, I think some people do love the power they have over others. My daughters’ small hs had a strong group of “mean girls” who made it clear they were the A-List, but it was based on their attitude, clothes, cars, the exclusivity of their little social group, not accomplishment. And, not on any kind acts or goodness of the sort valued by any world religion.</p>
<p>Karma. One never knows how karma will strike and when. The details are too harsh for here, but this group got theirs. </p>
<p>No, that’s not always how it seems. There is cruelty and injustice in the world that far surpasses what the mean girls can dish out. It’s staggering. We hear about it in the media daily. OP, we all have to decide how to respond, when to get directly involved and when to step back and have the positive influences that we can. It’s an age-old struggle. Some people dedicate their lives to righting wrongs- aid workers, counselors, teachers, activists, ministers, the list is long and I am grateful. Some step outside their primary job duties to help others- doctors who do medical missions, lawyers who do pro bono work, etc. Ordinary people helped try to put New Orleans back together. Ordinary people are the nationwide network that was mobilized for hurricane Irene, coming from all across the country, on hours notice. Some resolve to adopt or mentor or work for change in small ways. If you can identify the good out there- not just the evil- it can help. Use your outrage to define how you will help, as you finish college and move toward adulthood. Know that there is power in numbers and find people/groups who feel as you do and put their energy into helping effect change. I know it’s hard. But, yes, it’s “right.”</p>
<p>Sometimes people are mean because they are hurting inside and it is their way of protecting themselves. The hurt could come from their parents, siblings, or just their own inferior complex. I tend to feel sorry for people like that. As an adult I have a choice of not been friends with people who are unpleasant, and I am sure most people would also make similar choice. At some point, mean people would either decide to modify their behavior or risk the chance of having no friends.</p>
<p>Remember that great scene in “Back to the Future,” when Biff Tannen drove his car into the back end of a manure truck? I know people who would do that every week, if life was fair. But we all know it isn’t. </p>
<p>I used to think that life would take care of mean people, and that they’d eventually get what they deserve. In a way it does, because all of us suffer pain and disappointment and unhappiness at times, including the kind of people we’re talking about. Although the good people suffer the same damned things.</p>
<p>Perhaps the fitting justice for hurtful people is that, like the rest of us, they have to live with themselves and with the results of their actions. No one is the bad guy in his own life, though, so I don’t know how instructive that is.</p>
<p>I think there IS a way to confront or deal or handle difficult people, but it takes a lot of mastery. This is mastery well worth getting however. Sometimes there are ways of turning the other cheek, but sometimes, that actually IS a weak solution. Silence also can be weak OR it can be another highly effective tool, depending on the situation. I think one thing that’s important is knowing in your gut the feeling of your own boundaries, your own “I will not be spoken to in ____ way.” When you strongly feel that, you can be incredibly sweet until you’re crossed. And then, watch out.</p>
<p>They group together, tend to be the “popular” crowd meaning that they have tons of friends and adoring really nice boyfriends and husbands. From what Ive seen the nastier the woman or girl, the nicer the guy she gets.</p>
<p>I wonder if there are some self esteem issues going on here. I wonder if someone who was more confident re: their place in their own world would even notice the real or imagined missteps of others so much.</p>
<p>What away2school describes seems to be the typical late elementary/MS/HS social pecking order, to me. And it is strongly reinforced by popular culture. Look at most tv shows, and you’ll see people behaving this way and being rewarded for it in multiple ways, not the least by garnering the attention of the downtrodden. </p>
<p>At some point one can decide to go one’s own way and not buy into it. But it is difficult, and can require effort and sacrifice of some kinds of conventional success. Throughout one’s life, one will continue to encounter people who seem bent on reenacting the psychodramas of HS.</p>
<p>*Look at most tv shows, and you’ll see people behaving this way and being rewarded for it in multiple ways, not the least by garnering the attention of the downtrodden. *</p>
<p>I don’t watch television shows- except for 30Rock & Doc Martin on hulu so perhaps I am less conditioned to notice rude behavior. ( not that rudeness is never depicted on those shows! 
)</p>
<p>*At some point one can decide to go one’s own way and not buy into it. *</p>
<p>This is very empowering. We may not choose all situations that we find ourselves in, but we CAN choose how we react to them. ( As we gain more experience in life- we can also start to see patterns of behavior before they develop and steer ourselves away from those who are just looking for an audience)</p>
<p>Yes I try to steer clear of the mean types. I try to be kind and welcoming to all types of people…but I would just LOVE to be able to let people know when I see them intentionally hurt someone else. Like the girl who has pimples at my college - she is such a nice person but the “mean girls” make fun of her. They laugh and tease her - and they all seem to stick together and have a wonderful time at school with eachother and with the popular, nice guys…while my new friend with an acne issue is left feeling upset and crying.</p>
<p>I WANT LIFE TO BE JUST…but it isn’t!!!</p>