@Lindagaf What’s the update? How is your D faring this week?
This has been a very trying week. D’s mandatory group bonding experience wasn’t great. She returned, and that night I had a string of TODs, all along the lines of how she was "dropping out and going to comm college, everyone has friends and is having fun but me, nothing is going right, did we buy tuition insurance, etc… " Needless to say, I was not overjoyed by these texts, and in fact, I had to leave a perfectly delightful BBQ because I was upset. (Yes, idiot that I am, I looked at my phone during this BBQ.)
So I freaked out a little, but not much, because I was at the BBQ, and didn’t want anyone to think I found a fly in my potato salad. I demanded that hubby call D, so he did and was gone for a long time. I was prepared to jump in the car to rescue D from the evil and unfriendly 18 year old barbarians who were ignoring my daughter and not being her friend. In fact, he returned from the call to say she was going into town with some kids, had made plans for breakfast, and sounded perfectly happy. So I instead made plans to jump in the car and strangle her. Not enough gas though;-)
Anyway, I went home in a bit of state, the kind of state that would have required smelling salts back in Victorian times. Thanks to a few people here on CC who talked me through it (you know who you are, thanks!), I decided I would take the hard line. I informed her that in fact, she will be there all year, and she had better make the most of it, yada yada. I also told her she is required to do x, y, z… which succeeded in annoying her and making us both less homesick/missing her. Better to be annoyed than sad, I think.
I also managed to find a local mom whose kid goes to the same college, and that mom’s angelic daughter and her friends had dinner with my D and brought her to an event. Anyway, here are the reports for the last three days: Monday: “today was better”; Tuesday: “alright, but not as good as yesterday”; Wednesday (so far): “not bad.” I am keeping my fingers crossed that she has turned a corner. Meanwhile, parents, I am kind of sorry I posted this thread, because I was feeling sorry for myself then, but it is a thousand times worse to feel terrible for your kid’s sake. Not that I have sour grapes, but until I am sure D has turned the corner, just offer me tea and sympathy. Thanks for letting me vent!
@Lindagaf , I hope those small successes and good days continue, but if you get a sense that things are not heading in the right direction for your D over the next few weeks, try and get her to visit the counseling center at her school.
They are experienced with helping stiudents learn to deal with what can be a stressful time. As I posted earlier on in this thread, some short term counseling really helped ease my daughter’s anxiety when she started her freshman year.
Hang in there!
My daughter was not a loud complainer about her homesickness, but, she did experience it more than she thought she would. She was always very happy to be home even though we thought we would never see or hear from her again once she left for college. We really didn’t hear from her that much unless we reached out to her. I am happy to report that upon her return for sophomore year, she is not really feeling the homesickness as much this time around. Hurray!!! #:-S
@Lindagaf - That sounds really hard and stressful. It’s likely to get a lot better before too long but the wait is more difficult when you’re talking about your child’s pain rather than yours. I am dreading going through the same process in a year when my D heads off to college, and I’m already getting a lot of TODs lately just from high school. Senior year is stressful!
Anyway, I’m also a psychologist too, and I feel like it’s supposed to be hard for a while when kids (especially shy ones) go through such a big life transition. Yes, we want them to fit right in, have the perfect roommate, and have tons of social invitations. However, the struggles in life, the painful or lonely times, those are when we grow the most. Those are the times in life when we gradually discover the strength we didn’t know we had. I very clearly remember being 17 and going away to school (as a shy, reserved kid) thirteen hours away from home. It was so hard for a while, but I know it made me much better prepared for a lot of situations to come. Sounds like you’re doing all the right things and hopefully she’ll find her people soon.
This thread is so helpful in helping me realize that I’m not alone. My D is not homesick and she loves her classes but the thought of going to parties is giving her full blown anxiety attacks. She says she’s making friends but seems to be in her room a lot.
She did make an appointment with the counseling center. She made it on Monday and appt is next Friday. I told her that clearly she’s not the only one struggling if she couldn’t get an appt for almost 2 weeks!
Unfortunately she gets anxiety from me and hers has also caused mine to kick in!
Hugs, tea. Maybe wine?
Freshman parties don’t have a lot to recommend them. One of several regrets I have about college is not realizing and fully owning my own introversion. You don’t actually HAVE to go to those parties to have a social life. Which I figured out soon enough, but still. Also eventually figured out that everyone else was also putting up a brave front. Duh.
I had two kids who breezed into college life. One is an athlete so she knew several people immediately (one had been a teammate in high school, others through texts and chats all summer), knew a guy from her high school, joined a sorority the first weekend and made an immediate new friend. She was very anxious about school and the team, but having a good social life helped. Well, it didn’t last long. Within a month the guy from high school had dropped out, by Halloween her new friend from the sorority had left school and permanently transferred, and she was already sick of her teammates (some who were her roommates). On the up side she was doing well in school and her coach found out she was a much stronger player than the coach had thought. The cycle of ups and downs continued. She didn’t have everything ‘up’ at the same time all freshman year. Sophomore year was much better. She has a very nice boyfriend, and she didn’t live with teammates. That seem to provide the separation she needs. So what did she do this year? Moved in with teammates again. So far, so good.
Somewhat the same with the other daughter too. Started strong with a whole bunch of friends, a great roommate, a job, a new sorority. After a few weeks, didn’t like the job, didn’t really like her major that much (but never told me), the friends ebbed and flowed. It’s never been really good for her, and I do blame it on her boyfriend. She doesn’t seem to commit to things, participate in the sorority, a job, or classes, because the boyfriend is always a consideration.
It’s hard to keep all the plates spinning at the same time. Sometimes slow and steady is the way to go, even though that’s hard when you feel so lonely.
Thank god for the dog…
:o3
@Marcie123 , that’s funny, because before we left, my D was freaking out about partying. She went on a student review site, Uni go, (which always seems to have only negative and undated reviews,) and became convinced that drunken partying was compulsory and universal. Well, lo and behold, so far there has been no sign of a party, and she knows for a fact that her dorm is full of boring kids (yay!) and that party central dorm is not near her. So I think she has chilled out about that issue for now. I actually suggested the other day that maybe she should just get it over with. Go to a party and see what it’s like. I suspect that this Saturday might be the start of party season, so no doubt she will have an opportunity.
I’m over my separation anxiety from my daughter. We brought her home for labor day and this is the last place she wanted to be. After only 2 hours home she was bored said there is nothing to do here. She seemed to be a brat the whole weekend. I ended up taking her back earlier Monday than I had planned. She is so happy at school and couldn’t wait to get back to all her new friends and social life. I’m glad she’s happy, but I guess it hurt my feelings a little that she wasn’t comfortable at home after such a short time away :-(.
There is a webcam that is pointed at my D’s general dorm area (she’s a 12 hour drive away). I admit, I tune in every other day or so, since she left. She’s a sophomore, it gets somewhat better…but never easy.
We had our first facetime call from our daughter today. What a relief! My wife and I are doing everything we can not to pass our anxiety on to her. She seemed relaxed. She declined a party and vodka (yikes!). She also is owning her introversion. Best advice ever.
@Lindagaf Sending hugs and sympathy. Hurts so much when our kids are struggling and unhappy. Thinking of you.
“I’m over my separation anxiety from my daughter. We brought her home for labor day and this is the last place she wanted to be. After only 2 hours home she was bored said there is nothing to do here. She seemed to be a brat the whole weekend. I ended up taking her back earlier Monday than I had planned. She is so happy at school and couldn’t wait to get back to all her new friends and social life. I’m glad she’s happy, but I guess it hurt my feelings a little that she wasn’t comfortable at home after such a short time away .”
This is when you know the transition is complete. When college becomes home and home becomes boring you job is done. It sucks a bit for the parents but it’s good to know your child has spread her wings and is own her way. My son says he is staying in his college town next summer and will not be coming home. I’m glad while the wife is still struggling with it. He is own his way.
My D, a sophomore, came home very briefly last week, and when she left, I wished her a safe trip “home.” She said, “Home? That’s not my home. This is.” Can’t tell you how good that felt. Still not easy for me to reacclimate to the empty nest the second year, but definitely far less difficult than the first.
@lindagaf. How is D doing now that classes have started and she is a couple weeks in?
Anyone have Parents Weekend coming up? Ours is this weekend. And I can hardly wait!