I know it is a stupid question but I am having a really bad day. My sister who has been my best friend for most of my life was diagnosed with liver cancer the week before Easter. A week and a half later, my husband had a stroke that sent him to rehab for 6 weeks. He is now home after regaining most of his speech, limited use of his arm, and the ability to walk but only with someone holding onto him to ancher his balance. He cannot be left alone in the house.
I am coping with the big things pretty well. I can manage complicated meds, PT, OT, and visiting nurse schedules fairly well. I found a woman that H likes who wanted part-time work to stay with him so I can get back to the gym twice a week and visit my sister (an hour away) at least once a week. We have a wonderful friend who has come to the house every evening since our son had to go back to LA that helps me get H upstairs for the night.
So what has me upset today? I bought some mail order plants that arrived last week that I finally got around to plant this morning before H got up. I couldn’t find a spot to plant them. The man that has helped H with our yard for more than 20years hasn’t been here for 3 weeks. The grass is halfway up my shin. I managed to temporarily solve that. Friend is bringing me potting soil to hopefully save the plants until my yard guy gets his car fixed and returns to help.
Next problem. We have tickets for a play Sunday night and for a series of shows over the summer. This is keeping me up at night. Who do I get to stay with H? Who do I take with me? With the really big stuff, I cope. With this seemingly minor problem, my mind is spinning its wheels trying to find a solution. In the past, my sister was the first person I called when H didn’t want to go.
I am not sure that what I just wrote makes any sense and I apologize for whining; just typing has given me some insight. Break time is over.
@lotsofquests, Im so sorry that two of the people you love most are having serious health challenges. It makes perfect sense to me why one or two more things added to your full plate give you pause. You are already doing and handling a lot. Be kind to yourself!
So sorry for all you are going through. You are being strong for those around you who need you. Therefore, you are letting out through the little things. You need your outlets too!
It is always the little stuff. Not sure why, but it is. My favorite example of this was with coincidentally, my own sister.
My sister was living with a boyfriend that had Truth Deficit Syndrome. I swear that boy lied so much I’m not sure he even used his real name. But she was convinced he was a good person at heart and if she just took good enough care of him, he’d reform. Even though she was a full time college student working full time, she was paying all their bills because he couldn’t keep a job (wonder why?) One night when she was working, she came home at 11 PM to find he’d not just moved out of their apartment, he cleaned it out, too. Took all the furniture she’d bought, took all the food and most of the kitchen appliances she’d bought, took most everything but the bed which was probably too awkward to carry out quickly. She was devastated, understandably. But she also wanted him back (?!?) Cried for a week about how if he’d just talk to her she could convince him to come back.
I comforted her all that I could, but she was inconsolable about how much she loved and missed him. After a week of this, I told her she needed to get dressed and I was going to take her out - didn’t matter where, just out. She went to change out of the PJs she’d lived in for a week only to discover that he’d taken all her socks. Apparently, that was the final straw. Not the stolen furniture, not the cleaned out pantry, not the stolen microwave, not the rudeness of leaving without having the decency to tell her - she could live with all that. But steal every last pair of her socks? THAT was the unacceptable indignity and final straw. After that, she got angry and started to get better.
As for the tickets - maybe you can offer one set to the friend who helps you get your H upstairs at night as a thank you?
Maybe another night, the friend can stay while you go to the play. Another option is to sell some of the tickets and/or to ask the venue, if under the circumstances, you can get refunded. Maybe keep only the tickets for the show/s you really want to see.
I completely understand how just one little thing that be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. It isn’t so much about the shows themselves, it’s about the fact that you were looking forward to going with your H and/or your sister and now it’s not possible.
Oh, gosh, this doesn’t surprise me at all. I’m completely like that – I can cope with the big stuff, but it tends to get me on edge so that the small stuff just puts me into a tailspin. I’m so sorry you are having trouble with the big issues.
So… at a tactical level, you might be able to find a local, inexpensive lawn service that could come just when you need them. If the usual guy gets his act together and becomes reliable again, great. If you continue to have issues, then engage the lawn service for the rest of the summer instead. Just let him know due to the health issues your family is having that you really aren’t able to worry about the lawn this summer, and maybe next summer you can pick up with him again.
Regarding the tickets – do you have friends who have given vague offers and well meaning offers of help when your husband got sick, and you haven’t taken them up on it? Now is the time. You can say, "HI, remember that you offered to help if anything came up after H’s illness? Here is something… if you have a couple of friends, you could ask if they could alternate staying with your H and going to the shows with you through the summer. And maybe you could give the friend who comes nightly tickets to use for a couple of the shows, too, as a thank you.
So sorry for what you’re going through. What you’re experiencing in terms of coping with the big stuff but having the little stuff put you over the edge is something I think alot of us can identify with. Don’t really have more to add in terms of advice - you’ve gotten some good suggestions. Try to find a friend to stay with your H for at least of a few of the shows & try to enjoy yourself when you get that opportunity.
I feel a little like Scarlet O’Hara—I will worry about it later. I called to exchange the tickets for Tuesday, the last week of June. Our friend and his girlfriend have a small business which makes it difficult to plan too far ahead. The business means they are on call and it is new enough that they are afraid to turn anyone down. Tuesday is their least busy day so I gambled and picked Tuesday. If H is more mobile by then, he might be able to go. If friend’s girlfriend is available, the three or four of us can go. Lots of options.
The stroke has exacerbated my husband’s control issues. I found a high school kid to cut the grass but H doesn’t want him using our mower which H says is “difficult” to use. Of course our son managed fine when he was living here. H has another guy supposedly coming tomorrow.
I am trying to let him be part of the decision making since he is helpless is so many ways but it is frustrating when I need to get so much done in addition to his care taking.
Thanks for the online support. I try to stay upbeat but it is so nice to have a place to air my thoughts. My family is so focused on my sister who has gone downhill so quickly that I don’t want them to know how bad things are. I can’t really talk to my H about my sister because he already feels like a burden. My pastor seems to have disappeared in the last 3 weeks.
lotsofquests … I am sorry for your family troubles. It is tough to deal with bunches of things. Even when they are not TERRIBLE things, if they are in bunches, it only takes a straw to break the camel’s back, right?
For your DH, maybe letting him be there for you for talking about your sister, your worries over her, would let him be a help and not a burden. If he is a fixer, he might feel frustrated because he can’t fix this, but if you make it so clear that you need HIM to listen and that fixes lots…???
Anyway, I know venting anywhere helps and this works, too! Cyber hugs.
Of course it’s the little things that tip us over the edge. You need to be strong to manage the big things. And obviously you’re dealing with some huge things right now, without your usual supports – your sister and your husband. So when the little aggravations or the smaller decisions come along, you’re up to your eyeballs in “keeping it together” and it’s those small things that put you over the edge.
I’m so sorry you are going through these two important situations right now, and I really hope both your sister and your DH get better. In the meantime, just put one foot in front of the other. I hope you have close friends and other family you can rely on to help.
I think sometimes it isn’t the size or scale of the issue, but whether you can see and undertake a clear course of action. Everything you mention coping with - meds, schedules, visits to your sister, seem to be things you can or did have a pretty clear idea about what you needed to do and how to do it. But when you walked out in your yard and realized that it was a mess and there is no clear answer, it feels stressful, frustrating, and brings home the fact that you are overwhelmed and are unable to live life in the way you normally would. Likewise with the tickets, which reinforce the fact that you are in the middle of a fluid situation where you don’t know what the next day might bring. You can’t plan your immediate future in the way that you normally do.
The yard and the tickets are really representatives of your “normal” life, especially the things in your life which give you pleasure, but which have been put on the back burner by all this upheaval. Hopefully, you will be able to go and enjoy the shows and get your H back in good health soon, so he can join you (and get out of your hair!)
Hey, vent away right here in the Cafe! In part it’s what we’re here for! Scream and shout. Break a few dishes if it helps. (Helped me at a tough time, lol.) You’re not a saint, you’re a human being in a very difficult situation. Letting it out won’t change anything but it will bring temporary relief. And even temporary relief is better than no relief at all. Hugs.
Sorry about your current situation. Hope the situations improve on all fronts!
But as to your question–the coping mechanisms we develop are much different depending on the scope of the problem. So sometimes small things overwhelm us even more than big stuff–partially because of the amount of decision making involved. Small things get “over thought” while the big things have a set course to follow without too many options.
Does your pastor (and congregation) know you are overwhelmed? He/she may see you as confidently in control of things, and therefore put you lower on the outreach list. Don’t be shy about reaching out and asking for pastoral care/visitation/prayers/help from the church. In fact, your church community should be able to provide assistance on the evenings you go to the shows as well as help taking care of the yard work. They can even bring their own mower or send over their “guy” to do the grass if H doesn’t want them messing with his mower. But they won’t know this is a priority for you unless you ask for help. My husband always tells people who are struggling to get through an illness that asking for help is giving your friends (and church family) a gift - because generally they WANT to help, but have no idea what to do. The good news is that you have some specific, but not too difficult, requests for help - so don’t be afraid to put them out there. Particularly in a church community, where it is easy to spread the word.
I just want to say that I’m sorry you’re going through all of this and it sounds like you’re doing an amazing job holding it together. I think there may just be something about the big things: we have to deal because there’s no alternative?? I’m adding my cyber hugs to the others and do know people are thinking about you and wishing you well. Feel free to vent whenever you like.
You know, it is also the little things that can uplift us. When I came to the cafe today and read the 6 new messages, I really felt better. Thank you.
Sylvan8798, I think you expressed rather well what I was thinking. I am having great difficulty making decisions or choices. If I know what has to be done, I can just do it. If I have to find the best option of several choices I spin my wheels.
Embracethemess, you probably are right. Since his health has been bad for over a year now, we have downplayed things. Also, like many urban churches, our membership is elderly and declining. So many are in worse shape than us.
The grass was cut this afternoon! Two young men that my H has helped out in the past had called while H was in rehab. H finally got around to calling them back. Each asked what he could do to help, so he had them both come today. While they cut the grass, I went to the grocery store knowing that someone could check on him frequently.
Tomorrow, the woman who was here Thursday so I could visit my sister is coming so I can get to the gym. I am going to ask her to help H do his exercises. She wants to keep busy and I just can’t seem to get to them. (He does get PT and OT by professionals 3 times a week). After the gym, I am going to look for a new dishwasher, because of course mine has been acting up since H was hospitalized. Another opportunity for me to have paralysis by analysis.
Remind yourself, too, you are a caregiver, you are at risk of burnout. Chances are there is nothing your DH needs of which you are not physically or mentally capable; however, you cannot do it all 24/7/365 and still do it well. If you are to maintain your compassion, you need to, guilt free, delegate some things to others.
The little stresses do add up. I have made 11 phone calls so far to set up a simple blood test. The iv team that does it with his weekly infusion is too specialized and short handed. The visiting nurse team that has come for the past three weeks is also now too specialized. I have no problem with it being done by the mobile lab but why is it so difficult to schedule? I have left two messages with the lab and will start going back up the chain after lunch. If his blood thinners were more stable I would just wait—against the doctor’s order.
It does help to read the threads on personal mottos.