I understand this completely. Not why, but the idea that major crises are managed but little things set you off. I deal with things the same way. I think it’s because major crises require different thought processes and different parts of the brain to deal with the challenge. The little things don’t have enough of an impact to really plan how to deal with them and in my mind just overload the coping mechanisms. I’m not a psychologist and don’t play one on TV so this is just an opinion.
THIS. This is what overwhelms me in caring for my parents. As you note, you know exactly what has to be done - but all the extra hoops the insurance/doctor/universe puts in your way are a PITA!
Vent away! And don’t feel bad that just because some have it “worse” than you - it doesn’t mean you don’t get to have frustrations too!
It seems to me that major crises fall into the category of things that you know/understand that you cannot control, and that you simply have to be calm and carry on to solve or survive.
The plethora of micro-crises falls in the category of things that are eminently controllable by either you or someone else, which waste oodles of time and effort, and “should have been” avoidable. Those can turn a slow burn into a rage quite quickly.
Oh, that’s a LOT. I can totally see how the little things are just TOO MUCH. Maybe because we think we ought to be able to have some control of something “little” and “simple” (compared to everything else on our plate?).
Wishing you peace! And people to help you!
You’re stretched to the limit with all that has happened, so anything new that seems like a challenge is going to feel like too much. And when there are so many serious things happening, it’s natural to want the rest of life to take care of itself.
I had one of those minutes of seeming clarity this morning. I have dealt with death and end of life illness before. After all, by my age at close to 70, lots of loved ones are gone. My sister’s imminent death is hitting me harder than all of the others. Even without my H’s stroke I would be having difficulty. I realized this morning that she is the only person (other than my son) that totally accepts me the way I am. I love my other two sisters and was very close to the one that died 12 years ago, but don’t/didn’t have that unconditional acceptance. Spending the afternoon at the hospital with my 3 sisters and niece I felt like an outsider.
My H is on blood thinners and he was awful about going for blood tests so I got him a home testing kit that the insurance covers. He does a test like a diabetic and it’s on a device that is connected to the facility which gets the results. He does it weekly and the results go to his cardiologist, who calls if H needs to adjust his meds. Maybe something like that can help?
I’m sorry you are dealing with so many significant losses, @lotsofquests, especially that of your sister. (I realize she is still alive but the loss often begins with the illness.)
Techmom99, we have started the process to get the machine. There is some confusion about whether insurance will pay for more than one test. Because he gets weekly iv for another medical problem, the iv nurse can do the inr. That is usually all that is needed EXCEPT when they overcorect or undercorrect. He never did get the extra test done over the weekend after my 18 calls, so the doctor had to wait until Wednesday when the regular nurse was scheduled. His INR was 4.3. For those people reading this that are not familiar with the reading, stand range is .8-1.3. For someone like my H, on blood thinners, the range is typically 2.5-3.5. His 4.3 means his blood was way too thin and he could bleed to death. In the winter, nosebleeds are a big problem. At least we didn’t have to deal with that!
I’m sorry to hear about your sister’s imminent death.
I hope you can find some comfort in the knowledge that her unconditional love & acceptance of you as you, can never be taken away. After she passes, you will still carry that gift from her in your being.
Hugs!
4.3 is really high!
I’m so impressed by all you have been doing!! What a heavy load. Glad you’ve found a safe place to vent. I hope you get to do something this week that makes. you smile.
My confession: life is going fine, yet I fret over the clutter in the house (which seems to have gotten out of control… and DS and his GF are coming to visit soon)… silly but true.
I fell asleep at 9:30 which is always a mistake because H needs help in getting to bed, so now I am awake. I guess I should be thankful for my major sleep problems over the last 4 years that lead me to trying melatonin again. I still don’t sleep through the night but the pills do help me get to sleep much easier when I wake up at 4 am.
Having another marathon phone session about H’s blood work. His doctor started the process for us to get a home machine. Today, I had the 5th, 6th, and 7th call discussing if Medicare would pay for the testing since he already gets a test done by the visiting nurse. In between her calls to me, the woman called our doctor, the visiting nurse, Medicare, and her supervisor before deciding that it wouldn’t be paid for. I understand needing to control costs but at this point, more than one test a week is medically necessary. Last week, his number was 4.3; on Monday after his normal dose of Coumadin, it was 2.3 which was where it was when he had his stroke. I am so tired of having to fight for everything. Oh, and the fight is not over. The doctor is going to call again.
I talked to my brother-in-law this morning. Sister is home with 24 hour hospice but he doesn’t know how long that will last. He said they have stopped feeding her except for applesauce to keep her mouth from drying out. My guess is that hospice won’t be needed much longer. I have a repairman coming tomorrow plus PT and the infusion nurse but I am hoping to leave the whole mess to my angel caretaker so I can say goodbye.
I texted my son who immediately called me. He made a reservation on Southwest for next Tuesday which is the earliest he can get the discounted fare but also checked other airlines to see what is available sooner. I guess I can be thankful that his contract hasn’t come through yet so he is able to come home for me. H hasn’t left the house since he came home from rehab but he thinks he can go to the visitation with son’s help. H should be starting outpatient rehab but I think we can get another week or even two of inhome so I don’t have to make that decision yet. I am tired of being the grownup; I want someone else to make decisions and arrange things.
Thanks CC for giving me a place to let off steam.
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I’m so sorry life has piled on so much at once.
We have had some major medical issues these past 8 months, and the one thing that has allowed us to swim through the murk without drowning has been the lack of “little things”.
Insurance covers everything 100% (active duty military) for bills that are recently nearing 2 million.
Our kids are mostly grown and self sufficient.
No pets to tend to at the moment.
No other simultaneous family emergencies or illnesses.
I am unemployed and thus available for caretaking, driving, attending every appointment and procedure.
I am (knock on wood) in good health.
We have no debt.
Nothing big has gone wrong with the house or cars lately.
Were any of those things different, I can see where the stress of handling them would have sent me right off the deep end.
I can’t imagine dealing with all you are handling.
Sending serious virtual hugs to you.
I’m choked up reading this. I too am extremely close to my sisters, they are my heart as well. That alone is devastating, but to add your husbands issues on top of it it’s a wonder you can function at all. I own a medical business and I train my staff that when patients call frazzled and pissed and whatever - you don’t know if this was their 10th call or what is going on behind the scenes with them. Be empathetic and acknowledge their frustration.
I’m glad to hear you’re going to the gym. Please be sure to continue caring for yourself, you will be no good to anyone else if you get too overwhelmed. I hope you can go to the concerts and do something that gives you joy.
Now is the time to call for reinforcements. Your son is coming, does he have any friends in the area, or parents of friends who could help? I’d ask the church to put in a request in their weekly bulletin.
My prayers to your sister. My deepest sympathies.
I had a very nice visit this afternoon with my brother-in-law, niece, and the pastor of their church. I don’t know if my sister was aware that I was there but it was a comfort to me to be with her. My “husband sitter” is coming for the next two days, so I can spend more time. No one knows what to expect. Tomorrow my younger sister and another niece will be there.
I do not understand how hospice works. They have had 2 nurses a day on 12 hour shifts since she was discharged from the hospital on Sunday. The social worker called while I was there to say they might have to hire private nurses starting tomorrow. Doesn’t make sense to me.
When I got home, I had a message from H’s doctor to call for another blood test over the weekend. Please, not again. I don’t have time this week to make multiple phone calls. I have to be at the hospital at 9:15 tomorrow for a yearly visit with a specialist which means getting H ready before the “sitter” comes at 8. Hopefully, sitter can handle scheduling the blood work. She has 3 kids of her own so she is used to juggling.
Just got off phone with OT. She and PT say H is ready for outpatient rehab. I know it would be better for him but I am anticipating another round of phone calls to determine if our insurance will allow 2 agencies. I just can’t handle that this week. Give me one more week to get things arranged, please. And don’t act like I am shirking my responsibilities to H. How do they handle elderly people who don’t have someone with the ability to jump through all of the necessary hoops?
And now to end on a positive note. My new dishwasher was installed today while I was out. It will be so nice to have a functioning dishwasher again. This evening it got christened with dirty lasagna plates that dear friends brought. She had offered several times to bring food and this was a good time. We really enjoyed the company. And Thanks to the readers/writers on CC; your online support really helps.
Can’t seem to edit my post above. When I reread it, it sounded like our friends brought us dirty plates! No, they brought delicious lasagna with enough leftovers for 3more meals.
lotsofquests, after my heart attack I had both PT and OT, plus a home nurse. IIRC, PT and OT couldn’t come on the same days because of insurance, so they alternated. That lasted about six weeks, but I was ambulatory and able to do ADLs. It was mainly to regain strength after a month in ICU and the rehab facility. I am laso on Coumadin and totally hear you about the need to test often. 4.3 is really high. It’s a delicate balance to maintain.
Hugs as you deal with your dear sister in hospice (I’m glad you could go sit with her and BIL) and taking care of DH and everything else. I’m glad your S is able to come in and offer support. Hope he can take care of some of the daily stuff and help his dad so you can tackle the things that need your expertise.
Hugs, hugs, hugs.
My sister died today. I was able to be with her for a few hours each of the last three days. I want to be with my family now but can’t leave. H is very understanding and trying to comfort me but he is not what I need right now. I am trying not to hurt his feelings but . . . I just don’t know. I wish we were closer.
I am waiting to hear the details so I know whether to have son change his flight, if possible. I want to call my brother-in-law and my nieces but I don’t think I can talk yet. I need to be there but don’t want to intrude just yet and since I can’t leave H alone, I can’t go anyway. So, I post on CC because that doesn’t take much effort and I can maintain a distance from my emotions.