So I dated this guy for 4 years and we were truly in love. We had gotten promise rings and frequently talked about our future together having children and growing old together. Ther was only one small problem which was the fact that I was not allowed to date until after I graduated high school and my parents forbade me to be with this guy. We kept dating but in secret. We went to different high schools after the one we met at shut down. Well, I graduated class of 2016 but the day before my graduation I broke up with him, I was afraid he would show up at the graduation then we’d have a lot of explaining to do to my parents. It was a completely stupid move on my part and it was an in the moment thing. I thought that we’d get back together when I started College in the fall 2016. Where I go to college is only 5 minutes from his house. Well the fall came and we talked about getting back together, I explained everything to him and he told me I should have just told him that, to begin with. In January 2017 he was asked out by this girl and he said yes. He told me that he thought maybe me and him should try to see other people first and if it didn’t work get back together. He told me that me and him would catch up at college( he is coming to the same place as me) and that it was a 70% chance of getting back together. Before they started dating me and him still talked 24/7 even after breaking up and we still sent flirty sexy messages and still called at night to talk. He told me I was still his best friend and he couldn’t give that up. Since he started dating her he said it was best if we parted ways and caught up later( at college). He has blocked me on all social media as well. The girl he is dating will be going to college about an hour away from where me and him will be. We will very likely have a few classes together.
So my questions are: Do I really have a chance of getting him back? What are the chances of him and her working out being an hour away? If I do stand a chance, how do I attract him back?
Thanks y’all I know this was a lot to read, sorry for that.
Your chances of “getting him back” are pretty slim. Blocking you on all social media is a pretty sure sign that he doesn’t want to speak with you, hang out with you, send flirty messages back and forth, hang out, or anything else like that.
When he told you the following 2 things, this was his way of trying to tell you in a nice way that he’s not interested in getting back together right now:
- “that he thought maybe me and him should try to see other people first”
- “that me and him would catch up at college”
A long-term relationship that will last has to be based on trust. And you lost some of his trust when you broke up with him, but did so because you were afraid that he’d show up to your high school graduation.
If this was somebody with whom you really saw yourself marrying and having kids with some day, then your relationship with him should have been on a level where you could have expressed your concern about the graduation ahead of time.
There are a lot of other fish in the sea. Go date some other fish for awhile and explore the big wide ocean. Don’t pine away for the guppy from the pond. If you and the guppy are meant to be together in the long run, things will work out.
BUT they won’t work out if you keep pursuing him. You both have some growing up to do. There’s no specific way that you can “attract him back.”
I don’t understand why you didn’t just tell him not to come to your HS graduation. Why would you break up with him rather than just tell him? He probably wouldn’t have even cared, but you lost his trust when you broke up, and for good reason.
Your only chance of ever getting him back is to leave him alone and let him live his life while you live yours. If he ever decides he wants you back he will know where to find you. Don’t count on it, get on with your life, and if you bug him this will just drive him further away.
You kind of sound like my ex. We dated from fresh year of hs to sophomore year of college. We were even engaged but then he broke up with me. We still talked after but when he found out I was dating someone else, he hit the roof and blocked me on everything- but not before sending my then new bf (now spouse) nasty messages about me.
Apparently he, like you, didn’t really mean the break up. He just freaked out and did it rather than talk to me about what was wrong. (I found this out from a mutual friend long after I was in my new relationship)
When I started dating the new guy, I realized so many things I had been lacking in my previous relationship.
I’ll never say never but the odds are about zip for you guys. Take what you’ve learned and move on.
Sorry to be blunt.
As an adult, it would seem that in HS you too thought “This is it! I have found my soul mate!”
but you both have not had a chance to meet or date other people…it is normal for people to want to date more than one person and also to be able to have a girl/boyfriend that is nearby and not at another college.
I had something like this happen.
If you do get back together he will always subconsciously expect another anvil to drop from the sky. That lurking fear is why it’s unlikely, or temporary if it does happen. IE he may abandon it when things get rough purely as a defensive measure
The corpse of your old relationship is still twitching, but it really is dead. A new relationship would have to be born, tended, and allowed to grow. That’s hard to do without a voice always in his ear whispering “she’s going to leave you. Again.”
The relationship has run its course and is over. You need to move on. You are young. You aren’t supposed to get married to the person you date as a teen. I got a promise ring from a boyfriend when I was 16. We broke up two months later. We never spoke again, luckily. The person you are now is not the person you will be in even a few years time. Time to explore new people and new things. Stop thinking about him. It’s over and done. You are wasting your energy in someone who has moved on too. Good luck.
I have been leaving him alone, I haven’t spoken to him in about 3 months(it has been incredibly hard cause for 4.5 years it was constant 24/7 communication). How do I act though when classes start? I am thinking I will be having about 3 classes with him in the Fall semester. It is a very small private college, classroom sizes are 20 people or less. Do I try to talk to him or let him approach me? I know that if it is meant to be(and I still strongly believe with all my heart it is) it will work out.
Treat him as a casual acquaintance. “Hi, how are you doing?” That kind of thing. Good luck - from personal experience, I know it’s hard. 
I was devastated when my fiance dumped me. But you know what? I got a casual boyfriend pretty quickly, and two years after the breakup I met my husband, who is much more wonderful than the guy who dumped me.
“Hi,John.” And then keep it moving. ^^^ Just like this^^ Boys grow into men who usually prefer to chase. Don’t try in the least to get him back. There are other guys who will be interested in a great person like you and trying to hunt him on the sly will just drive them away. You will miss out on them and not even know it. Do not trying to make him jealous, or make him anything. Be you. Get involved in college and things that interest you and know that level-headed, college-educated women are a great catch.
Ooh, been there, done that. The absolute best thing you can do for yourself is let it go - throw yourself into your work and your new college life, make friends, get involved, and try to put him out of your mind.
Quite frankly, thinking that it’s “meant to be” or nursing romantic notions of the two of you getting back together later is going to hinder you, not help you, move forward in your life (either getting back with him or moving on). If you continue to pine for him openly, then he either 1) views you as clingy and desperate, which is not the look you are going for; or worse, he 2) views you as an easily accessible fallback option - he can feel free to explore other options knowing that you’re always there in case the other options don’t work out. Honestly, it sounds like that’s what he’s doing now. Don’t be that person.
I’m assuming that you are a traditional-aged freshman? Maybe 18 or 19? You will meet many more people in your life! College is a great time to explore who you are as a person and what you are looking for as a partner…the first person you love may not be the right fit for you forever (in fact, it’s fairly likely he’s not).
You should try to move on. I know it hurts but time really does heal all wounds, as cliche as that sounds.
When you constantly think of ways to get him back, you’re prolonging the pain.
Thanks for your reply @ Juillet! I am 20 and he is 18. I will be a sophomore this fall and he will be a freshman. You made a lot of great points in your reply. I guess if he wants me I will be there( we will have about 3 classes together). I guess I need to get it in my head that he may really be over with me and may never want to be any more than friends or classmates. But like I said if he wants me I will be there. Should probably make him work for me a little though and not just jump back into things. Thanks so much once again. I guess we shall see what will happen, hopefully good.
No, if he wants you DONT be there! Move on please. You are better than this. Esepcially as he is two years younger. Guys are more immature. You BOTH need to meet new people and experience love with other people. When I think of my past relationships, the big loves of my life would have been disasters if we had stayed together. I am in my 50s. I have yet to see a single on-off relationship work out. When you see him, say hi, or not. Don’t engage in my other way if at all possible. Don’t try to interpret things: he walked in the hall when you did, he turned around to look, was it at you? I wonder if he saw me in the dining halls? Is he thinking about me like I am thinking about him? You are going to torture yourself. LET IT GO, stay busy with friends, and allow room in your heart for someone who is better for you.
All of us adults have been there. At least you are here looking for advice. I wish I had done that. Here’s a story: 25 or so years ago, love of my life, together for five years. He cheated. I didn’t care. He dumped me for a minor pop star. I still didn’t care, because I was going to be there when he realized we were right for each other. One day my very good friend, who was also his cousin, called me. I started saying stuff like you have been saying here, and she stopped me and said essentially what I am saying here, but less bluntly. I said “are you trying to tell me he is not coming back?” And she said “yes I am.” I was angry, I didn’t see her much for a while. Guess what? She did me the biggest favor. And also guess what? I cannot believe I was so hung up on him. Even more guess what, she and I are still great friends, and her cousin is nothing special, IMO. Perfectly nice guy, but I dodged a bullet. So there you have it. You are in control now, not him.
No, please don’t be there. Too stalker-ish and not at all attractive. Like I said, Mr. Right will be sitting there watching that all play out and you will never know. Let him GO, as a great gift to yourself.
A good friend had boyfriend who needed to go but whom she kept since they had been together for 10+ years, since high school. (He was nice enough but not motivated about anything and she is a go-getter.) Our gal group was talking and she had begun to feel like he was the only one for her and it was dragging her down. We had to tell her about the guys in our circle who wanted to ask her out but said never mind because of him. Fast forward, she moved on from the boyfriend, was introduced to one of the interested guys. They have been married for about 17 years, very nice house, travel, work together to achieve a great life with their two children.
Seeing stuff like this truly makes me cringe. By setting the internal expectation that you will be there if and when he wants, you are completely preventing yourself from a)developing strength, maturity, and the ability to function happily and independently without depending on a man to make you happy, and b)you are stunting your social/emotional growth by not being open to fostering healthy relationships with others.
Please take the advice given. There is nothing wrong with being alone, or not ending up with one’s high school sweetheart. Move on mentally and emotionally. You cannot do that if you are committed to him in your mind. You are surrendering all of your control and autonomy to his mood. You are better than that; at least, you can be.
You dated him for 4 years behind your parents’ back. If you were together now, he’d either have to continue lying to your parents about how long you’ve been dating or tell the truth and risk being told to stay away anyway. Maybe he’s happier being with a girl he doesn’t have to lie about dating.
You’re 20 and want to get married. He’s 18 and wants to date other people. No, I don’t see that working out. You were broken up for ~2 months when you told him why you broke up, and he didn’t ask to get back together. It was another ~5 months before he started dating someone else, and ~6 months later they’re still together. He’s told you it’s best if you go your separate ways and blocked you on all social media. He’s moved on, and so should you.
You’ll be a sophomore and he’ll be a freshman, so even if you had the same major I wouldn’t expect you to have any courses together. What makes you think you’ll have 3?
He took classes while in high school and I didn’t take all of my general classes yet. I have gone out of order for classes. So me and him still have General Psychology, World Religions, English 2000, College Algebra, Biology, and a Christian studies class(It is a private Christian college and requires everyone to take a Christian studies course). In the fall we will both have College Algebra, Biology, and a Christian studies class.
If you haven’t spoken to him for 3 months and he’s blocked you on social media, how do you know what classes he needs and when he’s taking them? I understand that you’re still interested, but I think that’s too much information to keep in your head about an ex-boyfriend who’s in a committed relationship with someone else.
If you’re certain he’s taking algebra, biology, and Christian studies, why don’t you sign up for psychology, English, and religions? Or at least sign up for different sections of algebra, biology, and Christian studies? What, exactly, are you hoping will work? Rearranging your schedule so you’re in multiple classes together? If that’s your plan, then no, it won’t. His girlfriend won’t like it and it probably won’t make him very happy either.