Will UC admissions officers "get" this reference in my hook?

College Essays
1

<p>For prompt 1 I naturally tried to think of something that would catch them, and I thought of this:</p>

<p>"My eleventh great-grandfather, John Winthrop, is turning in his grave.</p>

<p>For years I lived in a house a few blocks from "____”, a hamlet of homes that has been compared to Beverly Hills and which is, truly, A Neighborhood upon a Hill.</p>

<p>But despite my WASP heritage, I never quite fulfilled Winthrop’s wish for those atop the pyramid of prosperity to remain – across time – on top." </p>

<p>(I trust no one will take it, because that would be ridiculous.)</p>

<p>John Winthrop, Puritan founder of MA, is indeed my 11th great-grandfather. For those of you who paid attention in AP US, he wrote the famous “A City upon a Hill” during his trip to America. However, within his writings is the implication that the lower-class people on the ship were getting too big for their britches and that the rich should remain rich in America. That’s how my teacher explained it, anyway.</p>

<p>I find this pretty ironic since I am super white - most of my ancestors immigrated to America back in the 1600s - but I come from quite a low-income family (especially the last few years - financial catastrophe) despite living in/near and going to school in an affluent suburb.</p>

<p>My plan was to go on to describe how my family’s bad financial situation contrasted with the wealth of my peers, etc., gave me perspective, and things like that.</p>

<p>Anyway, I’m thinking I probably shouldn’t use this hook, since admissions officers might not get the reference… It’s also kind of cheesy. (But I can’t think of anything else.)</p>

<p>What do you think?</p>

2

<p>I don’t even get it, so yeah I don’t think they will either.</p>

3

<p>I don’t get the hook but I do know about John Winthrop. It’s all irrelevant tho because the personal statement needs to be able you and now your forefather.</p>

4

<p>The John Winthrop reference isn’t the problem. It’s the lines that follow.</p>

5

<p>If the reference is too unique, you’re a risk of the reader not getting it at all.</p>

6

<p>I got it. And John Winthrop is a name most are vaguely familiar with (“He’s famous, I just don’t know why or when”). </p>

<p>Then again, you could just make it more explicit what John Winthrop is known for. Switch the second and third sentences, make it clearer what John Winthrop wished for (perhaps try quoting his sermon), and you should be good to go.</p>

7

<p>Putting the thin hook aside (and I can see why you used it as a way to get into the contrasting economics of your family life and fortunes), I don’t think is a good essay topic. For one thing, thousands of applicants will actually be in worse economic straits than you, so your whole essay about your family’s financial situation will essentially fall on deaf ears. Also, the situation really doesn’t explain anything about YOU and WHO YOU ARE – it would just tell a story of family circumstances. No – for these essays, you really do have to find a story in which you are the centerpiece: something you felt and then did something about; something you dreamed; something you saw – the essay needs tell a simple story about you and some circumstance you experiences that changed your view on life. These are the essays that the readers want to read.</p>

8

<p>

That’s boring, and it’s perfectly indicative of the “me-first” generation. Some kid writes about how he saved baby turtles in Belize one summer. Okay, but I bet the kid didn’t raise money himself for the trip, I bet he didn’t organize the trip, I bet he wasn’t alone when saving these turtles. Maybe he’s a super-kid who did do all those things. Then he probably has an awesome family that has shown him how to be a doer and leader in this world. </p>

<p>We don’t live in a vacuum, so it is foolish to write an essay only about yourself. If you did something for your community, explain how you got help along the way. If you learned something knew about yourself, explain who helped you get there. </p>

<p>

You don’t know this. I could write ten sentences only about my family and I bet it would show a great deal about me- what I find important to note, how I value my parents, etc. If I wrote ten sentences just about myself, that’s great, but where is the context? Again, we do not live in a vacuum. Accordingly, it’s probably good to strike a balance, but this can be done even if the OP focuses mostly on his upbringing. </p>

<p>

This is cliche. The essay needs to show who you are. Not everyone has a formulaic transformation story. In fact most people probably don’t. Human life is unknowingly complex and organic-- just a little respect for that fact can go a long way.</p>

9

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<p>Makes you sound entitled, like you find it surprising that your family has problems even though you’re white.</p>

10

<p>A better question to ask is: Can the text be understood even if someone does not “get” the reference. </p>

<p>To which I believe the answer is a strong yes. Even someone who has no awareness of John Winthrop should understand the contrast you are setting up in the quoted introduction.</p>

<p>However, while the reference works, I agree with the concern about your plans for the essay overall. You seem so pleased with yourself for finding this rhetorical maneuver to introduce your essay that you are wanting to follow through on the topic it introduces, but again you need to ask a better question: Is this really what I want my essay to be about?</p>

<p>I’m convinced you have a better “hook”. Something that is less about your circumstances and more about who you have become in response to those circumstances. Something that is more illustrative of how you think and create in the world. Something that instead of impressing upon the reader how much your present life differs from what one might expect from your legacy, shows the reader the potential in the legacy you have yet to create.</p>

<p>In short, I am convinced you have an essay that is more <em>you</em> in you.</p>

11

<p>@Senior0991 The formula for a good story is archaic. You can see it in movies, novels and epics throughout history. The bottom line is if your statement doesn’t have you has the main character and it doesn’t show who you’ve grown or changed, it just won’t be very strong. Yes someone people don’t have life changing events. Too bad, so sad but those people will write weak personal statements.</p>

12

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<p>Have you ever seen a movie where at the end, you think to yourself how “real” it was? These stories don’t follow that formulaic path, they just happen, much as real life just happens. Sometimes these stories are adaptations of historical events, other times they aren’t. It’s a story-teller fallacy that there needs to be a transformation at the end to have a compelling story.</p>

<p>Some examples I can think of: Ghandi, wherein the titular character doesn’t change throughout the film yet brings about change in others. Or what about Ocean’s Eleven, where the characters don’t really change at all throughout the film (or series). Or Rounders, where the biggest “change” is that the protagonist drops out of law school, which he was “gonna do anyway” before the main crux of the film began. Does Clarice transform in Silence of the Lambs? </p>

<p>Now some of these characters “grow” rather than “change”, which is much more realistic. We grow every day we continue to live on this planet. But transformations are rare, not everyone can recognize transformative moments, and even if they did not all transformative moments would make for a strong personal statement. </p>

<p>

I’d argue they’ll perhaps write the strongest ones. One of the stronger essays I’ve read was about a teenage boy who played violin for his elderly neighbor, after his neighbor heard him once and asked him. This relationship kept up for a while, and eventually the neighbor died. The teenage boy probably matured a bit from this relationship, but did he transform? Was this a life changing event? Not to my knowledge. It was just an event that happened in his life, that he thought would be a lark to write about and what show a lot about his character.</p>

13

<p>^ I think you are overthinking. This isn’t a Hollywood movie, it’s a personal statement.</p>

14

<p>The context is your app review. Does Winthrop, living in an affluent suburb, being a low income family, mighty white, etc, inform adcoms of what they need to know? Plus, you can’t just “tell” them how it gave you perspective… You have to “show” it. They’ll be looking for evidence you do have the perspective they want and need at that U.</p>

<p>You have to decide for yourself, but I think showing how you evolved despite, gave in various ways, made efforts on behalf of others and had some impact of your own, could do more to reveal your perspective than the focus on the ironies.</p>

15

<p>Thanks for the input, all. Much appreciated.</p>

<p>I lean heavily toward what Senior is saying. The silly anecdote = revealing metaphor for my life, etc., essays make me gag. I’d much rather just be real. I should probably “show” rather than “tell” at least a bit more, but I’m so used to writing journalistic pieces for the school newspaper that my narrative/illustrative writing is rusty (and I don’t really have any cute stories). Is it really necessary that I write I narrative? I sure hope not. It’s down to the wire, and I’ve got nothing (don’t ask why). </p>

<p>Btw, my family wasn’t just in a slightly bad financial situation. I was evicted, had to live with a relative for months, no discretionary funds, haven’t bought new clothes in years, had to move around within the area several times… It’s actually been hard. I’d rather just describe that, and describe how my experiences sort of “cracked open the world” for me and made me more aware of others’ struggles and global problems and how that connects to me wanting to do journalistic work in the future. I dunno if this is too cliche, but a lot of sources have told me that low-income students should make a case for themselves in their essays.</p>

16

<p>DreamSchlDropout – Trueee.</p>

17

<p>

Cliche in this case will depend on your execution. One of my friends kept telling people how she was dedicating to fixing poverty after going on vacation to a “developing” nation and seeing poor people through the window of her limo. I would roll my eyes at this story. I don’t know what it’s like to be that poor, but despite her assurances otherwise she sure as heck didn’t either. And did she not realize that poor people existed before this!? </p>

<p>Your story sounds way more legitimate, but be careful. I think part of journalism is recognizing things for what they are. It’s easy to see a poor person and write about how they must have such a horrible life, or take a few pictures of a family in poverty begging for money. It’s easy to make people feel lousy about the state of the world. </p>

<p>I’m interested in the homeless guy that has an awesome singing voice and makes dozens of people smile every day. Rarely is the beauty of circumstance this obvious, but it’s your job as a journalist to expose it when it is.</p>

18

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<p>Stuff is only cliche when you write in generalities. When you add details and facts from your own (e.g. haven’t bought new clothes, etc) it makes it personal instead. I’d focus on turning this into your personal statement number 1. </p>

<p>Also don’t send mixed messages. Someone like John Winthrop is going to be associated with power, wealth, etc. If your statement is about the opposite, it’s contradictory to associate yourself with him.</p>

<p>FYI senior sounds like an internet ■■■■■.</p>

19

<p>I have another question – do UC essays need to be formatted in the standard 3-5 paragraphs? Can you write short journalistic paragraphs?</p>

20

<p>^It’s a personal statement. You can do whatever you want with it. </p>

<p>

And why is that?</p>