<p>We knew it was coming, but knowing it and living it are two different things. Daughter came home after graduating and has been home a little more than a week. She has been in a pretty bad mood for most of the time. She is to be home for a few months before she starts her Great Adventure of going to Asia for a year. I knew that when the bubble of college burst on the day of graduation and all of that rarefied atmosphere of intellect, learning, intense friendships, etc. vanished that it would be a difficult time of withdrawal and trying to find her feet. But I don’t think I’m doing a very good job of whatever my job at the moment is. She has been snippy to me and I mostly let it go. She hurts me as if she were 14, and I am sorry to admit it, but there is a part of me that is afraid of her. I am walking on eggshells and I don’t want to risk her getting really angry at me, so I bite my tongue.</p>
<p>She is going to do some short trips before she has to get down to the work of getting ready to go away. She hasn’t been placed yet in the school where she will be, so she is in a holding pattern. I think she is depressed (for the moment, not clinically), nervous about going away, and really has not a clue who she is just now. She can’t get a job because she needs to take an online course for the program that she will be doing in about a month that will last quite a few weeks, and she really doesn’t need to get a job. I am happy for her to have some time to do nothing. But I think it’s a bad idea after all. I will miss her a lot when she’s gone, but I find myself wishing that it would come faster…</p>
<p>Well, my grad moved home for the summer and she has been pleasant. The freshman soon to sophomore came home and wo…transitions are tough. Cranky, cranky, cranky. I stay a little later at work these days.</p>
<p>Grad #2 came home this month. She’s been terrific … perhaps too accommodating actually. Grad #1 suffered some post-graduation summer withdrawal, but nothing severe as the OP describes.</p>
<p>I’m afraid I’m not there yet. But Wow, my D expressed her ambivalence about senior year because she is dreading graduation from her college next spring. This may be a peek into what is to come. I feel for you.</p>
<p>My D is like what you describe after every transition, and has been since she first came back from sleep-away girl scout camp as a first-grader. In our case, the worst years were the middle school ones–she formed such attachments to the people at camp that she could not stand coming back to her everyday life. She has gradually gotten better (and facebook and texting help) but I do still hold my breath a little when she comes home.</p>
<p>Has your D had experience with these kinds of transitions?</p>
<p>Definitely has always had trouble with transitions. I remember in pre-school we had to ease our way out of the school by stopping in various places before heading out the door. This is the biggest transition, but I remember high school senior summer was similar to this. I feel like saying to her, snap out of it!</p>
<p>Son is back home, age 25, just completed masters degree.</p>
<p>We had an official family sit down (my idea but it went over well). I wanted to ward off as much ‘stuff’ as possible related to his being back in the house after 6 years off at schools.
His job right now is to find a job. To DH and I, that means get up in morning (not afternoon), job search, email for transcripts, apply, interview etc. Make your own food if not hungry when we’re eating. Pick up your own stuff, do your own laundry. Let us know if you’re not coming home for the night. </p>
<p>Son actually seems to appreciate the space we are giving him. I think he thought it would be more painful to be back home than it is. So, he’s got a cheery face and attitude on.<br>
I told DH that our job is to enjoy him while he’s here and to make it just uncomfortable enough so that he doesn’t stay toooo long.</p>
<p>Oh, my lord, my D was like that. She did an extended backpacking trip with her two bestest college friends which put if off, but when she got back at the end of the summer, she was defiintely sad. she had this idea that she’d never meet people again (“how will I, when I’m not in school?”) Her first self-therapy was to dig a second fish pond in our backyard. </p>
<p>Looking for work was spotty and stressful. But when she did ,and she found out that yes, there are other young adults in the world to make friends with, and in addition, you can keep in contact with your college friends–they wont’ all disappear into the ether) she gradually made the adjustment. But I feel for you–mine is horrible about transitions and I think always will be.</p>
<p>S2 just graduated and is home with GF this week, and is not being very pleasant. I realize that I assumed there would be no transition – he’s going back to his college this summer for a job, and then has one more term this Fall for a second degree. But I may be underestimating the change from his point of view. He did graduate, and many of his friends are moving on, have jobs, are beginning their grown-up lives. On the one hand, for him, there’s not much transition – but on the other hand, for him, there’s no transition! I think that has got to sting a little.</p>
<p>I think the transition from college to whatever comes next can be extremely difficult. </p>
<p>The friendships that many students make at college can be very meaningful, and they are often group friendships. Once the group breaks up, some individuals will maintain friendships (often, long-distance ones) with each other, but the group will never exist again (three-hour reunions at weddings don’t count). This is a very difficult thing to adjust to.</p>
<p>Add that to the uncertainties that most young people have about how things will go in their new environment – whatever it may be – and I think some tension is to be expected.</p>
<p>VeryHappy is right that even those who don’t seem to be undergoing a transition really are. I was one of those who returned to the same campus after graduation to get a master’s degree – something that several of my kids’ friends have also done. It can be difficult to be back on campus when most of your friends have moved on, and there can be some disappointment in feeling that your “next step” after graduation is less exciting than that of most of your friends – even if it is a good choice for you.</p>
<p>I think musicmom has it right: talk about what the (reasonable) family expectations are so everyone living under the roof is on the same page. If you’re ‘walking on eggshells’ afraid she will become angry with you, then chances are she WILL become angry at some point, and then you will feel even more frustrated and alienated. Talk to her about your feelings. Even if it’s just something like “I know this is a tough time, being back home after all this time away, but ___” fill in the blank.</p>
<p>Trust me, we have a full house again this summer and it is an adjustment. We just keep telling ourselves that in a few short months/years we will be wishing they were around more. Enjoy what you have now…even if it’s a little trying sometimes. --Hugs–</p>
<p>D is living in a far-off state, so we don’t have the at-home issue … but she definitely had an epiphany after graduation. She was so busy all the way up to graduation, and then POOF … it was all done. She felt dropped on the doorstep of life, and it was overwhelming. But she is determined to make it on her own. She is interviewing tomorrow for a temp job that doesn’t pay a lot, but pays enough to cover costs. Because she is still angling for a job in her chosen field, which may take a bit of time, she figures this isn’t a bad way to go … she won’t feel bad saying ta-ta when/if the Job She Wants comes along. She has been bored … and feeling broke … and worried about the future. </p>
<p>In the midst of it all, her laptop died. Her iPad works, but the neighbor whose wireless she used moved away. She has to go to the library to job & apartment search, and hours are limited in summer. And guess what? She feels it’s a blessing that this happened.</p>
<p>So much growth going on … it comes in mysterious ways.</p>
<p>My daughter is home, clueless, but also planning to go to Asia to teach for a year, maybe, I don’t know, then, perhaps, grad school??? Who knows. For now, she thinks she is going to Taiwan, trying to decide what city to go to. I guess that could change, but that’s the current plan. She seems happy to be here, though. Partly, I think, because her college experience was mixed. Socially, it didn’t work out the way she had imagined it would. I guess she would probably be grumpy and sad if she had had a stellar college experience.</p>
<p>Yes, I strongly recommend the “Family Meeting”. We had one a few weeks back but there has been some slippage since then and some of “us” need a tune-up!</p>
<p>like someone above posted, we have one child who does not transition pleasantly (to put it mildly) and I am usually the target for her issues…</p>
<p>I think that as they mature (and certainly the OP’s situation would fall into this category), a discussion would be in order (with a LOT of empathy being communicated)…but to walk on eggshells is not fun (as I learned when said child was a senior in HS)…</p>
<p>Still good attitude and focused job hunting going on…but a bit of forgetfulness with the minimal chores required like get the recycling out to curb on specified day…how hard is that?</p>
<p>Also, DS tends not to answer cell when I call him…usually OK, I leave a message and expect a return call at some point. Yesterday, I was hoping he would miraculously pick up as his sister was in need of a last minute ride and I had to leave work unplanned and very disruptive. Would have been great if he could have helped out. Turns out his phone was off as he was sitting in with a band teacher/mentor at the school and didn’t want his phone disturbing anything. OK, but later, he tells me that he really doesn’t review his voicemail since there’s usually a bunch of nonessential calls (!) that are not important to him…
REally! I pay for his cell and pointed out that my calls to him ARE important.</p>
<p>So interesting! The other day I said, as nicely as I possibly could, “If I ask you something, darling daughter, would you please try not to roll your eyes at me?” She said, “OK.” And that was the last of it, for now at least. Does that count as a family talk? I kind of feel weird talking to her as if she were a little kid. But maybe she realized that she was acting like a little kid. It’s been better since then. We’ll see. Thanks for the empathy and the advice!</p>
<p>Mu newly returned college grad is my “easy” child. Despite S having an easy going nature he can drive me crazy. He is my unorganized dreamer. Great heart but he is not one you can count on to get anything done in a timely fashion. He has a job but it doesn’t pay enough for him to move out. We weren’t expecting him to move home. He was just visiting for a week but ended up getting a local job.
He should be happy about the job but he is goes back and forth on whether he wants to keep it. He really wants a more cutting edge job and wants to be in another area of our state. He is deeply missing his GF. I think it is a serious relationship and they are struggling with how to keep it together. She is a 6 hour drive away with no good plane connections. Adding to that is she doesn’t have a car so he is going to have to be the one traveling.
I can see my younger child getting cranky that he is living here. She has enjoyed being an only child for the last 4 years.
We have told our S we want to have a meeting. Things to discuss- common courtesy for living at home, unpacking his college stuff and putting it somewhere beside my family room. Budget. Upcoming student loan payments etc. I suggested tonight. He suggested I plan it for another time. He wants to play basketball tonight.</p>
<p>Hang in there, mom60.
We had to reschedule ‘the family meeting’ three times…but when it did happen, everyone was into it and civil and polite and MOST things have been going smoothly.</p>
<p>Musicmom- My S also doesn’t listen to voicemail and rarely picks up his phone when anyone calls. We text him. That seems to work a “bit” better.</p>