That kind of “feminism” is so out-dated. Sorry to hear that continued judgmental put-downs of women here. It’s very twentieth century. Can’t imagine the young feminists I know being so dismissive.
37 years ago, I did not change my last name. I had worked hard to be Dr. Dentmom4 and that’s what I wanted on my diploma and license. Plus, I really did not like H’s last name which is hard to spell and pronounce. In deference to his parents, the kids got his last name.
My college friends were half and half. Quite a few did not change their name, but used their H’s name socially.
D was married this summer. She could not wait to change her name. She had wanted to do it when she turned 18 (to my last name), but didn’t go through with it. She is first name, middle name, SIL last name.
DIL took a year to change her name. She really does not like it, but among her friends, all of them do it. She actually changed it to her last name S’s last name, but no hyphen.
My DIL has a cute last name, and some people call her by it. I wasn’t surprised that she didn’t change it.
I had used my maiden name professionally before I married, but my married name is a shorter/easier one. So when I married I used my maiden name as my middle name (no hyphenating) and eventually, after several years, use my maiden name as an initial only and sign “first name, maiden name initial, married last name”. I also like that we, as a family, all have the same last name. Just makes things easier.
I changed my name when I got married at 21, but if I had gotten married a few years later, I would have kept my maiden name. This has to do with publications. My work involves publications with my name on them. If I had published anything significant before getting married, I would have wanted to continue using my original name. But at 21, that issue had not arisen yet. I guess that’s fortunate because I think my husband would have objected to me not taking his name.
My daughter, who got married at 28, also changed her name. She says she didn’t want to be the odd person out in her family if she has children. Her career doesn’t involve publications, so that is not an issue. I don’t think her husband cared one way or the other. He may even have been surprised that she wanted to change her name – he has both a sister and sister-in-law who kept their original names.
I mean… they could always take her last name lol.
I can’t believe we’re still having the “true women/feminists don’t change X/Y/Z” bs argument.
Feminism is the reason that I wasn’t required to take my partner’s name, but me keeping my birth name isn’t for feminist reasons. It’s simply because I consider my name part of my identity and had no intention of changing it.
Our child having the option of getting my last name (especially without stigma) is the result of feminism and the feminist movement, but the decision itself had nothing to do with feminism. Or at least, it wasn’t because of feminism that we decided on it.
I also vehemently reject even the idea that we need to/should “match” in order to be a family. My generation grew up with all kinds of family formations and multiple last names within one family was very much the norm.
My mom changed her name so we would all “match” and I know she regrets it now. She didn’t change it with her first marriage and didn’t change it until she got pregnant with me. She uses both her maiden name and married name in casual settings now even if she is still legally First Middle MarriedName.
I kept my name because it was my Dad’s gift to me. My mom got to pick my first name. When my kids were born they all got my surname as their middle name and they share a surname with their Dad. No hyphens. I don’t bother to correct people who call me the wrong name (mostly husband’s business associates).
Wow. I did not consider my clunky maiden name a gift. Was happy to jettison that sucker.
So I have kept my birth name all these years. Initially, because, professionally it is unique enough that I was recognized by it. I don’t get too bothered by being called by dh’s name, but, funny story:
a yeat or two after my 1st was born, my state released statistics on “unwed” mothers. The number was higher than expected. Why?
They counted birth records where the mother’s last names were different that the father’s. Whoops - this was in the same window where more & more professional women (perhaps higher in this state) were keeping their names.
Future birth records were updated to allow visibility to a marital status field, so my 2nd child (same mom & dad) was not considered born to an unwed mother.
I’m still laughing about this!
I don’t understand why it’s so difficult for some people to grasp that women do what they want. Why is it that women are constantly put in the position of explaining or defending our choices? Our decisions — whether or not we choose to get married, change our names, have children, breast or bottle feed the children we do have, return to work or choose to be a stay at home mom, get involved in our children’s lives (and how much) — are nobody’s business and are a distraction from important issues. We don’t need to explain or justify our decisions.
People who are so invested in equality for women might trouble themselves to look around their personal and professional lives and actually do something to further that cause. Are people making comments about women’s appearance near you? Do women in your industry receive equal pay? Do they have equal access to promotions? Can they walk down the street without hearing whistles or having random men make comments to them? If you truly want equality, perhaps you should start by questioning the choices of people who refuse to treat us as equals.
And on the flip side, just because a woman kept her name, it doesn’t mean she is independent, not conformed, feminist, or whatever noble character that she would like think of herself. My friend is a prime example. She got on her high horse about keeping her name (she has a really famous last name) and how she doesn’t understand why others would give up their identify. YET she refused to do anything without her husband. We have picnics and plenty of people there without their SO, she would rather sit home alone bc her husband had to work that day. And there is no such thing as dinner with just us girls with her. We would invite her and she would either assume that her husband was invited or that she couldn’t go b/c her husband was busy. We had to tell her that it’s just us women, and she just doesn’t like/understand it at all. It’s nice that she loves her husband so much but seriously, she can’t seem to enjoy herself with friends without her husband around. I like her a lot, but also frustrated with her inability to think for herself sometimes.
For some, taking the husband’s last name is a “patriarchal practice”, but for most, it’s just a practice/tradition, regardless of the origin of the practice. Some traditions are harmless and some are not. This tradition is not only harmless, but it also provides the added benefit, I see no reason to get rid of it.
What do you mean @garland? Not sure what you are referring to and I am curious what the “young feminists” you know would think.
Great post, @austinmshauri.
@austinmshauri, don’t you get it? Women are NOT SUPPOSED TO WANT to change their names when they marry. It’s the same as a slave taking his owner’s name!
My wife take a backseat to no one when it comes to having feminist credentials, but she changed her name to mine when we married more than 40 years ago. And today she insists that if we ever got divorced she’d still still keep my last name because she enjoys being up near the top of any alphabetical list. Her choice then and her choice now.
Yes, I get a little annoyed when people tell me I should not have changed my name. I’m one of the few female structural engineers in the entire state, so I think I’m representing my gender OK. 
PS - At a seminar tomorrow night for our structural engineers association, there are going to be TWO couples (DH and me plus one other) who are engineers! I don’t recall that ever happening. The other woman and I will be the only females in attendance.
As historically and statistically most wives do change their names, it’s understandable to try to defend your choice and label ones who doesn’t agree as judgmental.
I don’t see why there’s any difference between taking your husband’s name or sticking with your father’s name. It’s a man’s name either way.
But that’s just me. And I’m shallow enough that one of the reasons why I ditched my original name is that it had an apostrophe in it. I hated that apostrophe. It made it very hard to fill out forms.
@Riversider said:
No, I don’t think most women think other women who disagree and make different choices are judgmental; I think they probably view people who describe a different choice as “sad,” “unfortunate” and “stupid” as judgmental.
You can condemn and move one poster’s judgment aside but it wouldn’t end the discussion of why such practices were started and why they are tolerated? Is it time to end them or society isn’t ready yet because it’s an acceptable norm and must be defended?