I have a relative who uses H2’s last name despite being married to H3 for about 20 years. I have no idea what H3’s last name is. I’ll have to look that up.
When you think about it, the term “maiden name” says volumes. How quaint and old-fashioned that it’s still in common use. But as long as women change their names, I guess there has to be a way to refer to the former name.
“Pre-marriage name” would be a more neutral term, and could also be used for the currently few men who change name on marriage.
When I got married, I was pretty young, so changing my name wasn’t too much trouble. I just had to change it with social security, the DMV, and my bank. It’s been convenient having the same name as my husband and kids. I do sometimes miss my dad’s name, which people thought was weird but cool; my husband’s name is one that people think they know how to spell but they definitely do not.
After 20+ years, four children, and my professional licenses and work experience all being in my married name, I can’t see myself ever changing it again at this point. It would be a much bigger hassle.
Someone previously mentioned “birth name” which works for me.
I wonder how a woman aiming for equality can accept changing her basic personal, social and professional identity. If it’s a salute to their amazing love then both spouses should change their names and find a new name.

I wonder how a woman aiming for equality can accept changing her basic personal, social and professional identity. If it’s a salute to their amazing love then both spouses should change their names and find a new name.
I was 22 and trying to break from a controlling and abusive upbringing. The whole point for me was, in fact, to change my basic identity. Finding a completely new name wasn’t even on my radar. Neither, for that matter, was seeking equality. I was seeking emotional safety. I’m explaining why, not saying any of this was healthy or wise.
In what way does the disparagement and sarcasm of your post support women trying to wrestle with any of it all?
We are talking about an average person in 2019, not ones dealing with special circumstances many many years ago. You did what you felt was right then and there, that doesn’t mean you are endorsing it for everyone, every time.
Today’s women is a lot more independent and has more options. They can take stand against practices endorsed by patriarchy. Imho over the top weddings and expensive dresses/rings need to go as well. If you have money, by all means throw it away on your whims but going in debt or burdening parents makes no sense for a smart woman or man. It’s better to have more money to have stress free new beginnings.
@Riversider your comment is really patronizing. If women are really equal, why can’t you honor and accept their decision, made without coercion, to change their name. I don’t regret my decision to change my name one bit and was always treated as an equal in all aspects of my personal and professional life.
My daughter is as independent as you can get and very much a feminist, but she loves her engagement ring! (isn’t changing her name this time)
^ Same here. D is a very independent woman who kept her name. But she loves her ring and had a big wedding (though she refused several traditions such as a veil, being “given away”, bouquet and garter toss, etc).
Add me to those who never realized names have become equivalent to the mommy wars. It’s amazing what folks get upset about.
I changed my name eons ago and would do the same today. I LIKE having the same name my DH does. Period. It has absolutely nothing to do with the things some feel need to be linked to it.
Both DILs changed their name, the latest this past summer. Her family “tradition” had been multiple and/or hyphenated names. She had no desire to keep that tradition. The decision was 100% hers. She’s hardly someone who doesn’t stand up for herself. She went on two study abroad semesters, one even to the Middle East (the other to South America), on her own knowing no one in either country and not staying in a “school” house, etc. She earns the bulk of the money in the marriage.
Oddly enough, both of us sets of parents still love her and don’t really give a hoot what she decided about her name.
But then again, I never understood the mommy wars either.
Such is life.
Every facet of a woman’s life is apparently open for judgment, and the assigning of meaning which only exists in the assigner’s mind goes on.
For some people, that’s never going to change. That judgmental attitude is much more last century than what any woman (or man) decides to call themselves.
So Don’t come down hard on me but I didn’t even know this was a thing. 58 male , knew my wife for 40 years and been married for 32 (dated 8 years… You do the math… Lol).
So taking my last name was just what was done. There was never a discussion about it. Maybe it’s a religious thing also. Not sure.
But… We bought a medical practice when she was still in her residency and I have been out a few years. We both answered to Dr. X. when she came into the practice both last names were the same. But we kept hearing the receptionist ask “Which Dr X” are you making an appointment for… That was getting silly hearing that all day. So I told the receptionist to ask if they want a male or female doctor to new patients. Well, big mistake for me since 99.9% of new patients of both sexes wanted a female doctor… Lol! That lasted a few weeks and she got really busy and I was not. That is when “we” decided to try something else. My wife went to her maiden name professionally. This totally made it easier for our staff and I actually got some new patients ?.
We used what we learned to promote her since it was a big marketing thing to have a female doctor. She became a national spokesperson for one of our major organization and has been written up, quoted in most women magazines out there and on local and national TV for years.
Then she decided she didn’t like her middle name and changed that to the first initial but hyphened with her maiden name.
She has also used her maiden name hyphened with my last name in some situations. I am not sure what to call her anymore.
Lol?.
But… For those that hyphened their names at marriage which names go first - last? Are the children “Bobby” - wife name - husband name also"
Also for those that just picked a new last name… How do you choose the last name? Don’t think that would ever work for anyone I know but educate me on this. I learn something new everyday on CC.
I am definitely more traditional but my children might not be so I need to learn and evidently… Quickly.

It’s sad and a true example of why we need true equality. How can you loose the identity you have just because you are married. It’s even more unfortunate when women change name and then divorce and stupid for people who marry several times and change names. Stay who you are.
I wonder how a woman aiming for equality can accept changing her basic personal, social and professional identity. If it’s a salute to their amazing love then both spouses should change their names and find a new name.
@Riversider,
First of all, presumably you mean “lose” your identity when you change your name. Let me tell you something: my identity has nothing to do with my name, whether my given surname (passed down through many fathers btw) or my married name. My identity has to do with who “I” am, what I do, how I treat others, how I feel about the world around me and my contributions to it. It’s about my values and how I see myself.
Secondly, why do you feel you are in the position to proclaim what others “should” do?
@knowstuff I am of the same vintage and kept my name upon marriage as did many of my friends (at least professionally) so it surprises me a bit that you had not heard of this.
@riversider To me, the point of this thread was to discuss the reasons why women chose to change or not change their names, not to disparage those that made one choice or the other. You are entitled to your opinion, but you may want to re-read your post and see that you could have framed it in a way that is informative but not so judgmental.
@mom2and… Clueless male… What can I say? I have actually heard of it but didn’t know how prevalent it is.
@Knowsstuff As for which name goes first when hyphenated, that, too, is up to the person. For our kids we chose my name to be the first int he hyphenated name so they would be at the beginning of the alphabet. My husband (end of the alphabet) wanted that for them.
@Nrdsb4 I don’t care who does what on individual level but find it puzzling for collective to continue such patriarchal practices. It reminds of slaves taking up names of their masters.
Who knew feminism can be so nasty and judgmental. LOL
Similar to fighting the patriarchy, should we start lecturing the little ones that dress up as baby shark for Halloween about the origin of the holiday?