One thing I’d point out, unless you want to really offend someone intentionally, do not address a letter to someone with the husbands last name that was never taken. One of my sister in laws actually wrote out checks to this name. Duh?? This person doesn’t even exist.
I am glad that we didn’t hyphenate names. Seeing young kids with hyphenated names drives me batty. Chose a name. A hyphenated name is putting yourself in database hell forever-just saying.
Seems like some database developers have too little exposure to Hispanic or Latino persons who often do have multiple surnames separated by spaces or dashes (e.g. Andrés Manuel López Obrador and Wanda Vázquez Garced).
In the USA, I find that latinos I know don’t use the naming custom used in Spain/Latin America. It’s too dang confusing because folks here think the ultimate name is the surname when it is actually the penultimate (father’s name).
Interesting tidbit from Wiki:
"The Hispanic preference for using the first surname from the father over the second surname from the mother occasionally results in serious legal problems in English-speaking countries such as the United States, whose laws operate on the assumption (based upon English names) that each person has a first name, an optional middle name, and a last name, where the last name is normally inherited solely from the father and is assumed to be the only surname.
For example, in a 2006 decision from one of the California Courts of Appeal, it was held that a creditor had failed to perfect its security interest in the strawberry crop of a debtor whose full true name was “Armando Muñoz Juárez.”[12] In accordance with Mexican naming convention, he frequently went by Armando Muñoz, and signed documents by that name, and the creditor’s financing statement therefore referred to him as “Armando Muñoz.”[12] The court ruled: “Debtor’s last name did not change when he crossed the border into the United States. The ‘naming convention’ is legally irrelevant[.]”[12] In other words, under the California implementation of the Uniform Commercial Code, the debtor’s “true last name” was Juárez (his maternal surname).[12]"
Please see post #132.
So even though women think they’re exercising free will they aren’t really? What makes you think women are incapable of critically examining tradition and deciding for themselves whether or not to follow it?
We actually experienced very few problems with the hyphenated name. You just have to be consistent with it and know what has to be on things like passports. In 1984 there were some issues with it when my daughter was born, but she has reclaimed this name (and son still has it) and there are no issues. Southwest Airlines was a problem for a time because they didn’t take the hyphen in reservations, but I think that has changed.
It may have changed with Southwest, but it hasn’t changed with all airlines, or with banks. At least that’s been my experience.
@3scoutsmom, my S and DIL also got matching engagement rings. Egalitarian design and low key.
Neither son nor DIL changed name, and neither wears a ring.
It’s sad and a true example of why we need true equality. How can you loose the identity you have just because you are married. It’s even more unfortunate when women change name and then divorce and stupid for people who marry several times and change names. Stay who you are.
^And here we have it plainly: judgment of women’s decisions. It never ends.
Every family can make a decision that works for them, and there is no one “right” decision that works for everyone.
I earn more than my husband does and spend more time at work than he does. He kept a job with flexible hours to be able to drop off and pick up our son from school every day, he went to the class events and field trips, he stayed home when son was sick. Both of us were always involved in ferrying our son to events, preparing for and cleaning up meals, and being involved in the events and emotions of our son’s world.
But I took his last name when we got married. We wanted to have the same last name as each other and the children, we did not want a long hyphenated name, and neither of us cared so much whose name we took- so we just went with the traditional model.
So, changing your name does not automatically make you an anti-feminist !
My DIL has a hyphenated name (her mother’s-father’s) and is known professionally by that name. When our GS was born I know they talked about a double hyphenated name but, in the end, gave GS my son’s surname. In this day and age (and given where they live), I suspect most of his classmates will have surnames different from one of their parents. From an earlier post - my MIL insists on writing checks to DIL’s first name, our last name. She is not nor ever will be that person.
When I married and didn’t change my name 30 years ago I had relatives who would address letters to me as My Name c/o Husband’s Name. Like they believed the United States Postal Service wouldn’t deliver mail to a married woman who didn’t change her name.
austinmshauri - The fact that there is that tradition is what influences them. With it they are making a choice to follow or not follow. Of course all women can think critically about that choice, but the fact that they feel they have to make a choice is what makes it not a completely free choice. When my son was a teenager, he made a choice to change his name from his middle name to his first name. That was a free choice because no one was expecting him to make any choice. If your daughter takes her husband’s name, she does so because it is tradition. If she does not, she does so because she chooses not to follow tradition. Neither choice is just something that occurred to her out of the blue. Free choice is when she chooses a nice sounding name out of the blue when she is not getting married.
I’m not saying that women are stupid and of course they are exercising free will in that choice, but that particular choice is heavily influenced by tradition and only exists because of tradition. Just reality and the reason for this thread.
This is no judgement of women’s decisions. I’m just saying that we have to realize how artificial this whole topic is.
Do what you want but do it with eyes wide open! It’s really a sweet tradition but not for everyone. I just don’t like that some people feel like they need to justify their choice either way!
^Sure, but the entire topic of the thread is sort of a demand to justify oneself. “Why?”
I don’t see it as a “demand to justify oneself.” I think most of the posters are sharing their own (or that of their family members) reasoning for changing or not changing. I feel like a lot of couples- even those who are “woke”, want to share a name since it confirms the anticipation and hopefulness of a long life together. In reality, of course, divorce happens, people may be miserable or even die- but at the beginning, it is comforting to bond yourselves together with the shared name that will be your new family name. It’s not what I did, but I can understand it. And if some people see it as a “I got my man, got my ring and got his name” thing", so be it.
I was referring to the literal thread title.
After my divorce I decided not to change my last name because I’ve had it for 30 years and my kids also voiced their preference for me to keep it. Fast forward few years later, D1 got married and was considering to change her last name. I then did say “Am I going to be the only one with that last name?” (other than their dad 
)
I think D1 probably will change her last name at some point. I am not sure about D2. I am wondering if I should change back to my maiden name, but at the same time my name has been my identity for 30+ years of professional life and I would have to explain to people as why I changed my name (TMI).
These days marriage is optional, let alone taking a spouse’s name. Let alone what name your kids have. To me it is all a big “shrug, who cares, none of my business.”
Does a person’s choice limit the options they have in life, that is the only question that matters. But that doesn’t require an analysis of the choice, so much as the world around that person.
I happily changed my name when I got married, even though I had just made partner at my law firm. There was surprise from some of my peers that I was changing it, since I was the first of my friends to make partner. I thought of us as a team and wanted to have the same last name. I did not change my name back to my maiden name when we got divorced 15 years later. I wanted to keep the same name as my children. Now, I will probably change my name again when I get remarried. I don’t feel it’s right to keep my ex-husband’s name in a new marriage. Would it have been easier to keep my maiden name? Maybe, except that I am estranged from my family of origin, so I like having a different name.