I did think my father made the best argument for changing my name. He said that because we were going to Germany and my husband has an obvious Jewish name, it could look like I didn’t want to share his name. Dh is not, in fact Jewish. (Dad is, Mom was a Christian Scientist - and he’s culturally a Christian, but his religion is evolution.) Because of this conversation, I did pay attention and it seemed like most of the people we met in our generation weren’t really aware of the fact that it was a traditionally Jewish surname.
I often wonder why I get invitations to weddings and bar mitzvahs with “Ms. April Fools”. Rather than April Fools, Ph.d or Dr April Fools . This from relatives and close friends.
I don’t know if I was sad or happy to be among so many in the RealID thread. I do appreciate some of the DMV comments upthread 
Didn’t take H1’s name in the mid-80’s. His mother was furious. It was a personal slap in her face…whatever…it wasn’t her surname and she later divorced his no-good father, but …I sort of hyphenated sometimes, and it never seemed to end well.
Took H2’s name because he insisted 25 years ago. Was one of the most difficult things I’ve done, and I’ve been sort of miffed about it since.
Since my older two kids have H1’s surname, didn’t want 3 names coming to the mailbox. Having different names than kids didn’t matter, but it’s a very small school system and everyone knew who I was anyway.
@bookworm Maybe because these are personal event invitations, not professional?
Brother in law and wife are both tenured professors at a top private. I’ve never addressed anything personal to them with their credentials. Am I missing something/ have I inadvertently offended them?
If I hyphenated my name it would have been 19 letters long plus a space and the hypen, making it 21 total charaters and I would still be near the end of the alphabet no matter which name came first!
Looking at the other side of the question, how likely is it that a man would, upon marrying a women, change his surname to that of his new wife because:
- He did not like his birth surname due to misspelling or mispronunciation.
- He did not like his birth surname due to estrangement from his father.
- He wanted to have the same surname as his wife and kids.
- His new wife and/or her family wanted or expected him to change his surname.
- Other reasons mentioned in this thread.
?
A related question would be, how often does a married heterosexual couple who did not change their surnames and later had kids give the kids surnames in ways other than automatically giving them the husband’s/father’s surname?
I remember years ago there was no method for the male to change his name at the time of marriage without going through a legal name change. My BIL intended to take my sister’s last name as his middle name but it wasn’t allowed.
Then a number of years ago there was a kerfuffle when a woman wanted to change her name but keep her full maiden name and just add her husband’s name. I remember it being a big deal at SSA but it was a state law that didn’t allow it so SSA sent her to the state (driver’s license) and they wouldn’t do it. She could be Sarah Jane Smith or Sarah Smith Jones, but not Sarah Jane Smith Jones. They finally let her do it and then changed the reg.
This was long before gay marriage, and I’m sure the rule must have changed to allow males to change their names upon marriage too.
While some official forms do now ask for ‘other names you have used’, I doubt there are any forms that ask a man for his birth name.
I kept my name and kiddo has my last name. It was DH’s decision. His view was my dad earned it more than his dad did.
The main problem is that DH gets called “Mr. [my last name]” all the time by everyone who has anything to do with kiddo. We don’t bother correcting them anymore. That, or people think kiddo isn’t his (despite that fact that he looks just like his dad).
Interestingly, Kiddo has never asked why he doesn’t have his dad’s last name. It is a total non-issue for him.
I don’t really get the argument that a woman’s birth name is her father’s name. It is her name. If she never married, it would remain her name (unless she chose to change it for some reason).
For all the women I know that did not change their names, only a couple used the mom’s last name for the kids. One friend decided the boys would have dad’s last name and the girls mom"s. They ended up with only one child, a dd, who decided on her own to add dad’s last name and now has a hyphenated last name. The reality is that the last names still go through the husband’s line. In our case, all the grandchildren up to our son were girls, so our first son was the one to carry on DH’s family name which is an unusual name.
Tradition and being taught by society from childhood that you’ll eventually be Mrs. male name is a hell of a hold to break.
It never ever occurred to me to change my name and very few people I know change their name - but I run in very liberal circles.
Romani Jr is getting my last name and that has gotten way more backlash than keeping my name.
Mr R never considered taking my name, though I offered. My high school boyfriend/fiance was going to take my name because he hated his absent father.
Mr r is going to be a mostly SAHD so he’ll be dealing with the kiddo and school. I don’t anticipate not having the same last name will be an issue. It’s very common for many many reasons for kids not to have the same surname as their parents.
There are pragmatic reasons to keep maiden name and to not. Having kids with same last name as SAHP is a plus. It can also make things easier in any number of situations. I’ve seen mishaps because of name mismatches. Some of them hurt.
All comes down to what you want.
I’ve been hearing lately about men asking the parents ( usually the Dad) of girlfriend for “permission to marriage. An old tradition my generation -at least to my knowledge skipped. Are any women asking this of boyfriend’s parents if they are doing the ask ? I know some women ask (even insist) In fact, I don’t see any big proposal scenes where the female asks unless a same sex couple is involved. Again, tradition.
I didn’t change my name because why would I? The kids have dad’s last name and I signed any notes to school with my name (his/her mom.) The only problem I’ve ever had is with insurance companies being unable to comprehend that my husband and I have different last names. And that’s been going on for 30+ years.
People should do what they want. I’ve been reading Romano’s latest thread and it seems women can’t escape the people who want to pass judgment and expect them to justify their choices. I expect women change their names for the same reason men make any number of choices – because they want to.
Thank you, @austinmshauri --and what’s especially wearying is when women do it to other women.
Women still accept an engagement ring - - why?
I gifted my H a ring 30+ years ago as his “engagement” ring. I just saw it as a symbol of love and commitment. He proudly still wears both engagement and wedding rings, as do I.
Exactly, and it seems that is the whole point of this thread, as well as the post later in the thread asking why MEN don’t change their names for the reasons women have given. The whole thing seems like a chance to make women who changed their names see the “error of their ways.”
I changed my name when I married. I preferred his last name. My parents divorced and my Mom remarried taking a new last name for herself. I still remember the feeling I got when the school would question who is this person signing my report card or permission slip. All my friends had parents who were still married. I had a divorced family and a Mom with a different last name.
I have friends who have kept their maiden name, friends who have hyphenated the two names. Anything goes with no questions.
My DIL took our last name. I was surprised as she is a strong feminist and had a blended last name of her two parents. My D was hesitant about changing her name. It was important to her H that she take his name. She just recently changed it half heartily.
@mom60 Blended names , hyphenated names may be discarded in marriage so as not to complicate names, especially for children ? What happens when a Smith-Jones marries a Fowler-Abbott? Just curious how these kinds of thing may play out down the line .
I’m fine with people doing whatever THEY want but at least several times here posters have commented that either they or their adult daughters/relatives have changed their names somewhat reluctantly because the husband insisted or felt very strongly about it. That doesn’t seem like free will to me and I question why it is so important to the man in the relationship. That does make me pause and wonder.