Work life balance white flag

Parent Cafe
1

I’ve posted here before about parenting a challenging child. I have a 7yo who fits the profile for Asperger’s (dx’ed hf asd plus generalized anxiety). I also have a typically developing 5yo.

I’m on the cusp of a very big decision. I’ve balanced a career in scientific publishing with motherhood imperfectly for eight years. For six of those years I woke up at 4am, hauled myself onto the dark subway and worked 5am-1pm so that I had afternoons with the kids. My husband has an intense travel schedule. He’s a tenured academic but works at research university where it is crucial to continue to be successful winning research grants. Thus he needs to attend conferences and invite-only meetings. Many are in Europe. He is probably away 1-2 weeks per month. In November he’s gone fully half of the month.

In addition to normal parenting stuff there is the extra layer of helping my challenging child manage his school life. Some days are good but many are not. Then there are all of the appointments, therapy, social skills training.

I’m very burned out. I have regular crying jags (hiding in conference rooms at work). I have a hard tome recovering from a call from the school about an incident.

I’m thinking of stopping work for the summer when the kids are out of school. We can afford to live on my husband’s salary.

I have a STEM Ph.D. and a giant part of me feels like leaving the career I’ve built is dead wrong. But given how much extra-hard mothering is (double whammy of challenging child + husband who travels for work so much) life just feels unsustainable.

My plan is to work till April or May and resign. I want to give myself a bit of time before school lets out to start regularly exercising (I’m about 25 lbs overweight) so that come June when the kids are out of school, I’ve not only entrained some good habits but I’ve recharged myself.

They will be 6 & 8. Come fall, the plan would be to go independent contractor / freelance.

This was not ‘the plan’ (at all) and I have very mixed feelings about this strategy.

What do you think?

2

I think that the fact that you developed a well thought out plan like you have is proof that you need a break. You need to do what’s best for your family, but most of all what’s best for you at this time .

3

I left my professional career to homeschool one of my sons (long story). If I were you I would absolutely do what you proposed, even though it hurts right now. And the truth is it may hurt down the road too, at least from a financial and professional standpoint. From my own perspective, though, I have never regretted it.

You are burning the candle at both ends. Try to make the best decision you can. It’s important for you and your children.

PS: I love your idea of free-lancing.

4

I say, go for it. I also work in publishing (I’m an editor). After my first daughter was born, I continued with my employer but on a part-time basis. Over the years, I’ve left the employer twice and was welcomed back twice. I also do freelance work. Even with the huge problem that my husband was unemployed for several years during our marriage, we survived financially, and I do not regret my decision to work part-time. Being able to spend more time with my daughters was priceless.

5

Sounds like you don’t have it in you to keep up this pace. Whether it’s your job or some of the child care that has to go depends partly on logistics and partly on what’s fulfilling for you. If you can afford not to work, you can afford to work and hire some help – possibly a grandmotherly type who can work some hours after school, and maybe handle some of the appointments and sick kids. Maybe you would even need to hire someone full-time just so they could be on call… If you would hate to stay home, this might give you enough help so that you didn’t have to. Or maybe you can cut your hours at work. But… staying home is a great option. Forget about what the plan was – what feels right to you now? (As for me-- after doing 80-100 hour weeks as a medical intern, I resolved to work half-time after residency, and that was perfect… But with 2 neurotypical kids. Ymmv.)

6

we had a similar but not as intense situation 20+ years ago. we both regrouped by moving and getting more balanced jobs. I wish you the best of luck.

7

I worked parttime when my kids were young. When they were 6 and 9 I quit that job and went out on my own. The first few years, I was barely part-time, but my business grew as they did. I’ve had no regrets and now have more work than I can handle.

8

Go for it. You will NOT regret the change, and I hazard to guess your entire family will be more relaxed and happier.

9

@CIEE83 What feels right to me now is to heal. I feel fragile. Like an animal that got injured and senses vulnerability. I’ve lost resilience. My reaction to things is totally unpredictable. Something seemingly small can trigger an overwhelming emotional response but hours later I feel emotionally flat and disconnected. I want my spark back.

10

Is it possible to take a leave of absence? You are contemplating a huge change - you may just need to rest and recharge or you may want something more permanent. Once out of the workplace it can be hard to return, especially if what you do is very specialized. I also know somebody who was able to do some publishing work freelance out of the home - I believe she focused on indexing for academic books. So maybe there is some way you can maintain some professional activity while scaling back and giving yourself some time to regroup.

Good luck! My dad had a schedule like your husband’s when I was growing up. My mom was a stay at home mom and I don’t know how she would have been able to cope with a job as well as the three of us - none of us having the added challenge of special needs.

11

A friend with a PhD in mol bio left her field when her twins were born. Raising these two kids was a full-time job. When they approached school age, she began looking for a job in her field. It was really hard, because being away from active bench research in a rapidly evolving field devalues the degree and the skills one had prior to leaving it. She eventually succeeded, so it is doable. The big positive is that you might avoid these issues, especially if you can freelance or work part-time, keeping your credentials up to date.

To me, sanity is important. I’m worried that you could be sinking into depression based on what you wrote in #8. I hesitate to be that stayed-at-the-Holiday-Inn psychologist here, but I have a feeling that you might want to see a real one, maybe just for a couple of sessions to help you sort out your feelings. That said, it sounds like your work matters a lot to you, and you might feel equally dissatisfied with a full-time mommy job. I would sit down and try to do a balancing test using all of the factors important to you. I also have a feeling that you need to find a middle ground between keeping up the current hamster wheel race and going cold turkey on your professional life (the latter would kill me, for sure!).

Meanwhile, come here to vent and seek support. This is a great community.

12

Wow, I don’t know how you have done what you have so far. It seems to me that more adult time is necessary from somewhere. It can be your husband, yourself, or CIEE83’s wonderful idea of hiring some help. I would also recommend counseling to help your problem solve and prioritize as well as help in managing your moods.

13

I have done it all: fulltime, parttime, stay at home, work at home, part year. You should do what is best for you and your family. Change (into the unknown) is scary but it sounds like the current situation is unsustainable.Keep in mind that whatever you choose, it needn’t be a permanent decision. Yes, it may be difficult to return to the exact same field and position after a several years absence.but don’t worry about that right now. You have marketable skills and there are ways of keeping them sharp. It just may take a little creativity and effort.

I think you should seek out counseling before making this decision, not because it’s a bad decision but because you are questioning it. Counseling may clarify your choices and how you feel about them.

14

@mamaedefamilia - brilliant idea. If you can take a leave, do it. Then, when you have had a chance to breathe, you may have a better idea of where your work-life balance lies. Right now, you are too overwhelmed to know what will be right in the long term. Counseling is another great idea… though I am sure you would have to be off work to have the time to initiate it.

ETA - I have no opinion about whether you are better off staying home full-time or working part-time. I’m just not sure that you know yet either.

15

Go for it! Or, if possible, go for a reduced work week. You will be more relaxed, less stressed and both you and your family will be happier for it. I am an engineer working a schedule similar to yours, early into work so I can be with the kids after school. Although, my kids are now 22 and 15yo, I love the fact that I make all of my daughters games.

16

If you can afford it, you should definitely do it. I stopped working when my kids were 3 and 5 and I’m so glad I did. I had no idea how much stress I was under trying to do it all, until it all went away. And I was not under nearly as much stress as you are.

17

i do not have the challenges of an Aspie, but I know how difficult it can be as I have a niece who is one. My youngest has ADHD and on top of that a reading comprehension disability. I had to work with him a lot in the grade school years and even into some high school classes.

I was working a stressful FT job, lots of overtime and weekends. When my oldest was in kindergarten, I knew I didn’t want the boys going to after school care. They had been in daycare their entire lives. A year before 1st grade began, I came up with a proposal, a ggod one, that allowed me to to reduce my hours during low season, and work regular hours only during specific times of the year. I had a great boss that I got along with and he agreed. I worked 6 hours a day, in time to pick them up from school. Down the road I took another job in the company where I could do that all the time.

What a difference in my life! DH said he could tell the difference in the stress level the moment he walked in the door and could tell when it was a FT months vs. PT. He didn’t want me to do it at first…you have a supportive husband. I Did it anyway for my sanity and because of the guilt of daycare, aftercare. I just wanted them to come home from school like I used to do…I felt I had been missing out and was cried too much about it.

I never regretted that decision. I did it for 15 years and recently caught in a lay off. I know my PT status is what did that, and my kind boss moved on years ago. I would do it again, even knowing what would happen.

I know you have the afternoons with them, but you are burning that candle too closely in the mornings.

My suggestion…if you basically like your job, ask for reduced hours. Work 8 to 1. If they say no, and you really want to do what you suggest…GO FOR IT. I don’t say that lightly. I have been in your shoes, and figured out a way to make it work and did it. It was wonderful. I was the first in my company of thousands to do this.

18

When my husband’s travel schedule was hectic, I left a good job to stay home with our kids. When I was about ready to return to work, I reconnected with a college classmate. I went to work for him in a different capacity than what I had done previously. It needed up being a wonderful second career.

Leaving your job wasn’t in “the plan”, but neither was having a child with special challenges. It sounds like you know what you need to do, for you and for your family.

19

You are right - this is indeed another level of parenting, one that is rarely recognized even by professionals providing supports and therapies, especially if their experience has been limited to clinical and educational settings, or even limited shifts of four to eight hours in home settings.Also, most seem to specialize in specific age groups and have limited familiarity with longer-term outcomes.

I have been part of the autism community for over two decades. I know lots of adults (mostly mothers) who have had to leave full-time employment or career paths that they had invested years into building and maintaining, because they have needed to be “on call” for their children and ready to drop everything for days at a time on a regular or irregular basis, and could not find someone else to take over even if they could afford to do so. This includes mothers of children on all parts of the autism spectrum. I know parents who have sent siblings to private schools so that they could have a separate community, or participate in EC’s without a parent having to make arrangements, even if there is a SAHM.Others rely on extended family for support, or their families do without.

Parents who can keep up their skills and contacts on a part-time or freelance basis seem to do alright in terms of being able to re-enter the workforce. although sometimes a child’s needs can intensify in adolescence or even later, or a parent’s health can take a nosedive. The autism mothers I know who have been able to establish a foothold in publishing seem to have been successful in this regard, compared to others. I think it is helpful, from this angle, to be living in NYC.

I was a SAHM (now a semi-retired SAHM, at least that is how I introduce myself) AND needed to hire help in the hours after school and before dinner for at least a few days each week, since it was difficult to run a household and socialize children with vastly different types of needs.Even so, I usually needed to be at home, or nearby (within ten or fifteen minutes of home)in case something came up. I still got caught up in the Mommy Wars - other mothers asking with snark what I did all day, while they were busy with work or volunteering. Umm, catching up on sleep, finding resources in the community, responding to calls to come pick my child up from school immediately because there was a situation that the well-paid experts couldn’t handle, decompressing after a child’s meltdown, doing housework that I couldn’t afford to hire others to do…

I think you might need to be prepared, however, that even with help your life will not be the same as other SAHM’s, wrt ability to just pick up an go anyplace, whether to get school supplies or attend a meet or recital, to go out to eat on a whim, or go on an outing to places where kids like to go. That was a hard realization for me. Also if another family member had their own needs -medical or educational - it was hard to address them.

Not to mention the need to advocate for your child, to keep up with what is going on in special education, and with special education law as it is evolving, to deal with community perceptions that special needs children, even twice exceptional ones, are kids who will never “give back” and are sucking resources away form “normal kids who just want to learn.” Etc.

fwiw, although H has had a full-time professional career, there have been some opportunity costs there as well.

20

I think your plan is a good one. I also like the thought of taking a leave of absence. Or a reduced work week - what I did for all my 26 years of mothering with kids at home.

I would just recommend that if you make this change that you also build in a little regular time in your week when you are not working that is YOU time - without the kids. Sounds like you will be parenting solo half the month and you will lose the “adult time” at work - you will want some personal or invigorating learning time even though you are not employed.