You’ve received good advice here. I’d like to add just one more point of view.
For eight years I got up at 4:45 AM so I could leave the house by 6:00 AM, get the 6:19 train, and be at my desk by 7:50 AM. Those years were awful. My boys were one and five at the beginning of that timeframe, and I was constantly exhausted. Your getting up at 4:00 AM has got to be taking a toll on your physical health, even if you’re getting seven hours of sleep (which I doubt). If you decide to go part-time, it’s the early AM period you need to get rid of. You’ll feel much better if you get up at a relatively normal 6:00 or 6:30 AM and then leave for work after your kids are off to school.
I assume, btw, that you have help in the AM to get your kids off to school when your husband is traveling.
Thanks for the replies. If I pursue this plan, during the school year I would have about 40 hrs per week available for contract work / freelancing. I have an extensive network of contacts built up over my 10 years in scientific publishing. I have never done anything like this before nor has anyone in my family (but I have a few friends who have done this in different fields). I spoke with my sister today who suggested that I frame this (to myself) as leveraging something I’ve earned. The Ph.D. and a decade of experience (reflecting my choice not to stay at home after S1 and S2 were born) enables this as an option to try.
The question then becomes how to structure the transition. Here is sequence I think would work best.
Now-March: Continue to produce excellent work (I recently pitched and am launching a new scientific journal (biomedical engineering) which was described as ‘a stonking slam dunk’ by a key critic on our publishing board. Make sure I’m linked-in to key colleagues. Look at the websites of other consultants in my field and get a sense of what work they offer and how they advertise themselves (though I suspect a lot of the business is reputationally based).
March/April: Resign. Join a gym and get into a work-out routine/hit the restart button on health. Create my consulting business on paper (IRS, etc.), and digitally, e.g., set-up email, social media accounts, create a website which lets people know my skills, rate and that I’m available to take on projects beginning in September 2016. Clearly block out any kid-school holiday time or family vacation time as being ‘nothing due.’ Sort logistics for attending a few key industry conferences in 2016 and 2017 so I can refresh contacts and hand out business cards.
May/June: Field any inquiries, create some sample projects for people to view. Post blog posts about industry issues to keep plugged in.
June-Aug: Spend an hour or two after the kids go to bed on my site, tweeting, blogging and fielding inquiries.
Sept: Go after contracts in earnest. If everything is a total bust see what skills I could learn to be more attractive.
Is there ANYTHING that can be done at work now so that you do not have to wait till March to have a slight ease in your daily rat race? Can you ask about working one day from home? Or do your first hour of work from home attending to emails or something - that would allow you to not have to leave the house so early, maybe get the kids off to school and not have to be “on” and “out” of the house at such an ungodly hour???
I am very impressed with how much thought you’ve already given to all this. I’ve never done it so I don’t have any experience to call on, but it seems to me that if anything isn’t quite right, you’ll notice it very quickly and be able to make a mid-course correction.
I am also impressed with you plan, and since you seem to not have problems lining up work, you really need to do this. It’s for the whole family. My also think you should take that time off before school is over to decompress…you certainly have earned it.
But I agree with abasket…is it possible to work something out to ease your morning routine?
I’m glad to see that in the midst of your chaos you are able to think and make a plan. Build into your Plan expectations that something is going to go wrong. Or not work the way you meant for it to. Don’t pin every hope on having an exact daily schedule. Life happens. Plans have to be adjusted.
Coming home from a job to be able to “work” with your children is hard. I did it, and I quickly realized it was easier to be at work than to be home with a cranky kid who projectile vomited every day. (Discovered a rare bacteria in her stomach, but it took 3 years and way too many doctor appts.) So you may have some initial thoughts of disappointment, but don’t let that scare you.
If you are convinced that coming home is the right thing to do, keep that focus in your head as you make the adjustment. It takes some time for you, and for your kids since they are older, to figure out a rhythm that works.
What is missing from your schedule? A plan to get some counseling for you. Even if it is just a few sessions to help you clear your head, counseling should be a top priority. If you can’t bear to go to a counselor, at least check in with a life coach who can reassure you of your new direction and give pointers to help you succeed. And find a support group of parents with special needs kids. A safe place for you to vent, get new ideas, and find good resources for help.
I suggest you figure out logistics so that immediately upon resignation you can take a weekend away to clear your head. It can be with or without your husband, and even if it means just going to a local hotel room for a couple of nights, try to fit in this time to decompress.
It is not selfish for you to pay attention to yourself. You just can’t keep giving when your own well is dry. You are a good mother, and you are doing all you can in your present situation. It sounds like you know you are ready to change, but maybe you are just scared. It is okay to be scared. The unknown is out there waiting for you. But you are an intelligent person, and your fear of continuing in your present situation is pushing you to explore new possibilities.
I left a great editorial job to freelance 15 years ago and it was the best decision I ever made. I have much more flexibility with my schedule so I can take care of the family in the way I want. And I have been able to leverage my professional contacts to write and edit as a freelancer. I make more money now than I did at my old staff job and I’m 100% happier and healthier. From your posts, I can see you have the motivation and mindset to make freelancing work. And a science background would be very marketable in the freelance world. I say: go for it.
I applaud you for stepping back and realizing your current job has tipped the balance to far to the wrong side. I would urge you to download the book “Unfinished Business” by Anne-Marie Slaughter. She served with Hillary Clinton as the Director of Policy Planning but stepped down to return to academia at Princeton. Her sons were aging into teenagerhood and the schedule that had worked well for them when they were younger was clearly not working for them as they grew older. One of her sons was actually getting into legal trouble and she just realized she was needed at home after school and in the evenings. The book really analyzes the age-old question of “can women really have it all?”
I recently made a huge career change from primary care practice to doing home visits (I am a nurse practitioner). Even though I only worked 3-4 days per week, the days I was in the office were super long days. I frequently did not leave the office until 6-7 pm and even then I brought home a huge stack of charts/refills/test results to review after I got home, prepped dinner, etc. This was the career ladder for which I had trained and for which I believed I was meant to have…to be a super engaged and dynamic provider. I loved my job! But it got to the point where I was sitting at 5 pm listening to a patient and realizing I didn’t care about that patient more than I cared about my daughter who was sitting at home alone. Or when I had to tell D yet again she couldn’t do a certain activity because I/we would not be there for transportation. We juggled a lot and made it happen, but it was definitely more challenging than I wanted it to be. I wasn’t enjoying being a mom because I was never home and felt like all the balls in the air were crashing down. Additionally, my husband who had previously worked so close to home was laid off, had a crazy two year job search and then landed a great job with a company that is over an hour away. Add in a two hour + daily commute for him and we were just both exhausted. This was not how I wanted my daughters final two years at home to be: home alone after school, fixing her own dinner, etc. She is an only child and I’m pretty sure the silence in the house was deafening. I know there are some kids who do this all the time, but I knew we had some choices to change the situation.
The home visit job allows me to entirely create my own schedule and I am almost always done by 3-4 pm. I only occasionally bring work home and if I do it is by choice because I had to take D to an appointment or other errand. I have a great salary and tons of benefits I did not have when I was working with a small primary care practice…all of which are needed when married to a middle-aged engineer (i.e. prime time for layoffs). I still sometimes feel a pang of regret for getting off the fast track but for now, for our family it is a great fit.
I am sure you will have the time to enjoy being a mom again; embrace the challenges that you have while taking care of yourself and also to really look into some non-traditional jobs your career undoubtedly offers. Good for you!
Seen you just had a slam dunk, is there any way to job share or reduce your hours at your current job? That is, assuming that aside from the hours you like this job. Can you do some work from home days to reduce your commuting time? Do you even want to do this? If not, sounds like your plan to do consulting is very doable. Your kids will be in school most days and by summer of 2017 (when it sounds like you would have a more substantial work load) you can probably figure out sitter or camp options.
I worked part-time for about 20 years. I was lucky to be able to keep my job and do that and also to find an absolutely wonderful sitter. I had a husband who traveled, probably not as much as yours, so having one of us with a less intense schedule was critical.
Good luck. Work life balance is crucial. I really hope you can find a way to stay in your field while meeting the needs or your kids and yourself (not to forget your marriage either).
If you asked for our opinion, here is mine. You will be more stressed and may get close to depression if you take away something from yourself that you personally enjoy. If person is not taking care of herself first and foremost, she cannot help others. That has been my priority my whole entire life and I am pass full retirement age now but still working full time. Only you can determine if your job is your personal R&R from the stress that is going on outside of work. Mine has always been just that - my personal R&R, my personal escape. I have been out of work 9 times, was either laid off or had to leave. I had the most terrible time being out of work, I felt that I was very close to depression, I felt very isolated and envy every person who was getting up in a morning and going to work. My kid was still at home and I was taking care of her, she was very busy. But that was not enough for me. Do not get me wrong. My D. and my H. were always my priority over work. I spent enormous amount of time taking care of my D. on a daily basis and as I said, she was very very busy kid.
So, it is all depend how you personally feel, what your job means to you personally, nobody can answer this question, you are the only one in a world.
Your plan is impressive. You obviously put a lot of thought into it. I like how you kept the summer months pretty open but still keeping yourself engaged just a little. Things will probably take longer (or a lot shorter) than you expect. I also ask, is there anything possible that you can do between now and March (when you resign) to ease the stress? Go part-time, even 30 hours a week? Work from home twice a week? Have you talked with people at your workplace about this unsustainable pace and work/life imbalance? It sounds like they may work with you because you definitely are a valuable asset to the organization. See if you can step down to 20 hours a week and telecommute from home.
I too would like to see time built in for you - keep a day free of any work obligations.
As a former freelancer, I thought I should mention that this will only work once.
After you’ve established yourself in freelance work, you may find it very difficult to cut back significantly on your professional activities during the summer, and you may need to plan your family’s summers with this in mind.
Some advice for the OP and anyone else looking to cut back/ go part time / work from home or consult. This can be a great option for your family but please spend some time making a plan and get it in writing. I’m talking number of hours, specific duties, compensation, etc. Make sure you discuss additional compensation if you are asked to do additional duties. Part time can be wonderful, but it is easy to be taken advantage of. Again , get everything in writing.
Since my oldest was born almost 35 years ago I have done part time, work from home, and freelance consulting. When the children were little I had a daycare home that would take them 1-2 days a week so I could get out for clients. I always had house cleaning help too. Those things help keep the sanity so when I was not working I could focus on the children’s ativities, volunteer at the school and stay involved in their interests. I find my consulting to be very fluid. I can work almost anywhere in the world and the hours can be flexible for the most part. I started consulting when I was laid off almost 30 years ago and it has been great since. I make much more than I did in the job. I control my workload with how many clients I take. I found not being too tied into a plan enabled me to change with the needs of everyone.
I love that you’ve thought your plan through in such detail. You’ve probably survived this long because you are a planner.
I think that if your goal is to remain relevant in your field, you will need to follow your plan closely. With your talents, there will be many attempts to recruit you for myriad volunteer positions at school, ECs, etc. Unless you want your stress level to grow again, you may find yourself choosing between your professional plan and the “stay at home mom” activities. (Never has their been such a well educated volunteer workforce…I’ve always said that the Booster Club president probably used to run her own company and the club treasurers now are always CPAs.)
I am now an empty nester and know lots of moms who have returned to the workforce. One lawyer mom was able to go back to something resembling her old job, because her old boss was “getting the band back together.” Others, however, are highly educated, highly competent receptionists, church librarians, etc. (It was likely at least partly their choice to not step back into high stress jobs, but for some who hadn’t kept their hands in, it really wasn’t possible to get hired to jump back in.)
I’m not saying it’s bad to want to use your skills to help the school, church, etc. Just don’t let yourself be “volunteered” unless you really think it’s worthwhile. If you don’t want to be in charge of the school literary magazine, it’s okay to say no and pursue your professional interests instead.
It is interesting to hear how districts vary all over the country.
In our district parents compete to volunteer for the routine stuff and parents of special needs kids are not necessarily the “preferred” people to hang out at schools for this type of thing. It is pretty easy to avoid volunteering.
But, if a child is included in a school district it can also be very helpful to be known to the district as someone besides “that parent” when the benefit of the doubt is needed, and volunteering can establish that type of relationship.
So, parents in the special needs community commonly strategize and try to find an area of expertise for at least occasional volunteering. Although a school district cannot exclude a child from a field trip or other non-routine event, sometimes working parents of students in inclusive settings set aside vacation time to attend these events, rather than make their child stay home or risk being out of touch if lack of routine becomes an issue.
Also, if a child is not on the play date/birthday party/mainstream EC circuit, as is commonly the case with Aspies, and a sibling is not in the same school, a parent can miss out on some very useful gossip! Our district now has a parent organization for parents of children with special needs and twice exceptional children, that hosts regular meetings with speakers from within and outside of the district and social events such as pool and holiday parties.
I am thinking that OP would be an excellent person to come into a school to talk about careers in STEM, for instance, or consult for a “science club” that might interest her S.
But, agreed, this should not be crowding out professional activities and the time she needs to maintain a professional identity apart from autism and her child. Occasional volunteering of this type should give her S some social capital, and also make her known to other children as someone cool who ought to know if her S has been treated unfairly by peers or adults.
What I think is that you have to go with what is in your heart and gut and don’t look back.
But as a working mom who desired having a career, I would also ask if there is any chance of reducing your work hours? Perhaps a step-wise approach rather than going all out in the other direction.
I have said about certain life choices/decisions/circumstances that “It wasn’t the way we drew it up, but it worked out that way.” Do what you feel is best for your family as a whole.