Sent you a pm. Your plan is good. As they get older you will spend even more time in school meetings etc.
OP, how did you end up on CC with such young kids? I’m not judging, I’m truly wondering.
Do what feels right to you. Good luck!
OP, I’ve read through your plan and I have to admit I’m a bit exhausted thinking about all the tasks before you. Setting up a business is a lot of work. How is this easier than your current job which apparently offers flexible work hours? Is it the commute that is hard to manage? I don’t work in your field, but couldn’t much of what you do be done by telecommuting? I don’t want to throw an anchor in your plan, but if the idea is to simplify your life, I’m not sure this is the way to go.
^^^^^^^^It is easier if there are fewer hours and if hours are more flexible, and far preferable to abandoning a career.
H was able to do this in an emergency, if he or I became ill, but would not have been able to do this on a regular basis and keep his job. (We did not have any emergency contact to pick up our child from school if there was a behavioral problem or our child became ill at school.) He might have been able to do contract work if not a primary or sole earner, as he did during a brief period of unemployment many years ago - it would have paid less, and lacked benefits, but he was able to pick up clients. OP would not be doing this from scratch and without contacts in the field, and (I am assuming) is not dependent on immediate income nor burning bridges with her current employer.
This is being in between a rock and a hard place. I am assuming that OP has already explored, and does not have the option of working part-time or working from home on more than an occasional basis. Many of the duties of raising her special needs child are not easily delegated in the same manner that parents of typical children can choose (or not) to delegate duties, and there is also sometimes that moment of realization that these will not go away in a year or two or three.
We are strangers on the internet and do not know the details of school options available to OP now, and in the next few years, or the intensity of her child’s needs. I will suggest that if home schooling or a child’s exclusion from school (or need to attend school on less than a full-time basis) seems imminent, there is an emergency situation here. Ditto if a parent breakdown seems imminent.
A couple of ideas I would throw out there -
Consult with a special education attorney. There might be options to modify this placement or find another. I read somewhere years back that NYC does have a special education school for students with ASD’s and IQ’s above 125.Worth exploring, although perhaps this has change or there is a waiting list. Or this school or a public school could bring in consults from professionals. There might be other options that an attorney would be aware of, and could help the parent access. It is not unusual for private schools in our area to refuse to admit students with an ADD or ASD diagnosis, or to send a diagnosed student back to the public schools, so these types of situations are not uncommon.
Consult with employee assistance, if this has not already been done. It might be possible to streamline work until school issues are ironed out.
Consult with a counselor or get a second opinion if already seeing someone before making the move… Iirc, OP is also going through grief after losing her mother, and this could be adding an additional filter to the situation.
Consulting with an attorney may be a good idea, even just to gather information, but it won’t solve the OP’s problem (in fact it is illustrative of the problem), which is that she has a child whose education requires time and attention that she currently can’t provide.
With regard to setting up a business, as long as OP puts in some effort to maintaining her professional contacts, setting up a freelance business requires very little time - a good computer, scanner, business phone and fast internet connection. I speak from experience. Good luck OP!
I guess I sound like a crusty old first wave feminist, but I find it sad that an adjustment to the H’s career was never a part of this discussion. I don’t know how one can be an adequate parent, especially to a special needs child, as well as an adequate spouse, when one isn’t even there so much of the time. Of course OP’s situation is untenable–she’s a single parent so much of the time! I know every marriage has it’s non-negotiable aspects, but how unfortunate that both parties can’t bend in this situation to make life saner and richer for both.
@MommaJ has a point, but I think one person has to keep his or her full-time job so that the family can have the good health insurance that comes with it. The husband, as a tenured academic, may have better job security than the OP does.
If both people compromise their careers, benefits may go out the window. And with a special needs child, that’s particularly undesirable.
Special ed parent here with a husband who also travels a lot. I had to give up even my part-time free-lance writing job because when the deadlines for it coincided with a bad spell for D, the stress was intense. My marriage was also starting to suffer due to my exhaustion and some resentment toward DH who could just escape dealing with the household problems while I carried the full load. That said, you seem to be so good at what you do and truly invested in it (more than I was), so I agree with those who suggest first trying an intermediate plan of perhaps just reducing your hours or taking a leave of absence to recharge.
Another reason I would suggest a less drastic plan is that staying home is not a piece of cake either. Self-esteem suffers, and one can experience a lot of isolation as frazzled2thecore explained so eloquently. You are a SAHM, but not like the others. It is impossible for friends to understand your life and why you are home yet still can’t do this or that with the freedom they can. It’s hard to stomach their barely concealed suspicion and disdain. The truth is that the demands and stress on me are far greater in many ways than what they were when D was in elementary school. While she has made great strides forward, I feel the pressure of watching the time for growth running out. There is still so, so much to accomplish with her to prepare her for the adult world. Like it or not, she must enter it and cope. And obviously, as children grow up, their school work and social situations become increasingly complex, as do the problems I need to help her handle. So if you quit thinking you will still be able to work professionaly x number of hours but that doesn’t actually pan out, how will you feel?
@Aspieration
Go for it.
We did something similar and the upside for the family was far better than we ever expected.
I did it. I left a tenured faculty position in the sciences to be a full time mom to my kids. One of my kids is deaf and needed extra help learning language. I am back in the workforce now, but look back on those years at home (almost 10) with longing! It was so nice to just focus on the kids and home. I think I was at my limit before and just didn’t realize it. I think everyone in the family appreciated my reduction in stress and the kids sure liked having me home full time.
Thoughts: Take a full year off all work to focus on children, family, husband, and self. Consider what the overtly stated and documented quid pro quo is for you and husband if you stop working for money for a year and then go 15 hours per week freelance afterward. Marriages can be at risk with the extra demands of parenting a child with significant special needs. It’s a long haul. Buckle up. And good wishes.
Consider Family Medical Leave, initally, perhaps.
Our family situation was different in that our kids weren’t special needs BUT they both developed chronic health issues that require A LOT of doctor visits and interaction between me and the school It was really helpful and saved ALL our sanity that I was able to work only part time during the worst of their health issues. They have thanked me repeatedly for being able to be there for them, doing the medical research and getting them to the physicians they needed and advocating with them at their school. I am grateful to have had that flexibility and don’t think things would have turned out nearly as well for our kids and family if they were left to fend for themselves or I had remained working full-time.
One concern I have is that April/May is a long way off, and lots can happen in between now and then. I think it is not unreasonable for OP to seek as much assistance right now (including help from a special education attorney if one is not already involved) even if planning to go freelance in several months.
Consulting with an attorney ahead of time (and this will take more time, initially) might mean that there is the added security of knowing that if the rug is suddenly pulled out from under (son loses his school placement, or it becomes untenable) there is someone who has the family’s back.
One question I would raise is whether moving out of the city and into a suburban district might be a possibility. Perhaps not right now but in a few years. An advantage of a suburban district is that as this bright child matures, he will not be held back if his emotional or behavioral maturity does not keep pace with (or catch up to) his intellectual maturity. A disadvantage might be added transportation issues (for both adults and growing children)and lack of proximity to an established network of therapists and supports.
One big advantage would be that he would will not be facing the competitive high school admissions race that (from what I understand) is the norm for NYC. Perhaps some NYC parents would have more insight into how this would work. In our area, students with diagnosed ASD’s ar ADD or Tourette’s are rarely admitted to competitive private schools, although many thrived at these schools up to around twenty years ago. Public schools are required to educate in least restrictive environment and at least in the wealthier districts around here, a steady stream of parents bringing lawyers to iep meetings (only a few have ever gone to due process) has meant that districts are under pressure to program for these types of students.
Perhaps some NYC parents would have more insight into this. (I have no idea of how the commuting aspects would work for OP’s H.) An attorney would probably be aware of the pros and cons of specific suburban districts (academic and social atmosphere), and whether the academically challenging NYC high schools are admitting not just students with ASD’s, but students with a diagnostic history on iep’s. (If the latter is the case, ignore these concerns…)Or, whether NYC is prepared to tuition these types of student out into suburban districts if they cannot provide academically appropriate programming.
Moving is not for the faint-hearted.
Given the OP had a thread about moving to Europe, moving to the suburbs of NYC may not be so intimidating. Also navigating the education of one’s children in NYC is definitely not for the faint-hearted.
I like the idea of taking a leave of absence, unpaid if need be, to focus on the family, and then go from there - freelance, return to the job or stay at home without bringing income. I took a leave of absence from my job when I went back to grad school just in case, I hated the program. I stayed in grad school but I extended my leave a second year on the advice of a mentor because, well, why not? The extension was automatic if requested. After the second year I resigned from my job but it was nice to have a safety net for two years.
Agreed, but neither is the situation what many families find themselves in as this type of child matures if a district is not cooperative and does not offer academically appropriate options. That is why it would be good to have some NYC parents offer input. Perhaps home schooling for more than a year or two (if it comes to that) is not as isolating in NYC as it is in many other communities.
I sort of suspect that NYC with its diversity might have more opportunities for an Aspie adult than elsewhere, and would certainly be a hub for therapists and other services, but these might be accessible from a little further out, too.
I guess I sound like a crusty old first wave feminist, but I find it sad that an adjustment to the H’s career was never a part of this discussion. .>>>>>>>>>
I had the same thought when she mentioned getting an emergency call from the child’s school and I sensed that it is always her and not dad that gets that call, even when he’s not traveling . :-/
As someone whose DH made the professional sacrifices to spend more time with the kids, I sympathize with the feminist voices and somewhat surprised with the number of women who discuss making career changes and not the husband. Of course the OP mentioned that they could live on her husband’s income so her sacrificing her career, as my DH sacrificing his, is probably the most pragmatic approach. My DH has a PHD as well, kept his hand in part time work, and now has a full time career he loves. Interestingly, because of his earlier sacrifices, he seems to suffer from similar pay inequities that women typically experience.
Sounds like you have a good plan in place. I would also suggest that you plan on hiring a babysitter on a regular basis throughout the summer, even if just for a couple of hours a week. I understand that your son might present some challenges to a babysitter, perhaps the therapists that work with your son could make some suggestions.