<p>I should not have read my child’s phone, I know. But what would you do if you read a message from your child’s friend that said something like this: “my house saturday 12 to 7 there will b beer, there will b weed. Tell no one.”</p>
<p>I’m mostly worried about the party but also worried about a breach of privacy. The child is 17.</p>
<p>I know my kids’ usernames and passwords to their email accounts, and I opted out of the texting function for their phones. Too strict? Maybe, but my kids know that I can check on them at any time (and do check their emails upon occasion.) My take is that your child is a minor - he/she has no privacy outside of his/her physical person. Let your child know that you know about the party, how you found out (honesty is everything in a good relationship with your child), and ask him/her what he/she thinks is the right thing to do in this situation. If he/she wants to go to the party, then step in, and stop him/her from going to this party. Can you imagine what would happen should the police stop by this party? How about what could happen to your child while under the influence? The list is endless. My belief is that MY job is to protect my children while they are minors and guide them until they have the physical (brain) capacity and maturity to make good (or, at least, educated) decisions for themselves. I’m their mom first, their friend second. Privacy schmivacy!</p>
<p>First of all, take a deep breath. It doesn’t mean your kid is drinking or smoking pot.</p>
<p>No matter how you came to read the message, I would have a discussion with my kid. I accidentally read D1’s email (I was borrowing her computer and it was left open) when she was 15 and I found out she was drinking at a sleepover. It was a very painful few months for her after that. I wouldn’t be so worried about breach of privacy as to their safety. When D1 was younger, I went into her room regularly to make sure she wasn’t into drugs. As she got older and became more sensible, I stopped. Trust is earned.</p>
<p>Before you have “the conversation,” I would think hard about your stand and what you want to say. Let your kid know your values and why you feel that way. Find out if it has been a regular occurrence. More importantly, what’s his view on it. Assuming he’ll be going off to college next year, there will be drinking, pot and drugs. This is a good time to find out where he is on all of that because you will not be there next year. </p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>agree with colmomto2. Too many parents tiptoe around their teenagers worried about their rights…Would your 17 year old be taking a car to this friends house? What is the liablity to YOU if something happens…until that child is 18 you are ultimately responsible.
I don’t buy the argument of “next year he will be in college…”<br>
I would do exactly what colmomto2 suggests: pronto.</p>
<p>ebeeee - maybe you misunderstood my post about “next year he will be college.” I wasn’t saying because he is going to be in college next year then it’s ok for him to drink or smoke pot. It’s because it’s going to be so much more available next year, NOW is the time to have a real discussion about it.</p>
<p>OK… let me throw this out. Is it possible that your kid suspects you’re reading his text messages and this is a plant?</p>
<p>Not sure I’d reveal that I’ve read the text message. I’d absolutely let my child know that I know about the party and make sure he/she doesn’t attend. Oldfort makes a very good point about getting the child’s perspective on such things, but my guess is you may already know that info…</p>
<p>As parents, we see/hear things, but I’m not sure how you obtained the information is relevant here. I might just stand my ground and not say how I know what I know. Kids see their own privacy as being sacred. I don’t agree, but I just don’t see that piece–admitting to reading his text messages --as being relevant to this discussion. “It doesn’t matter how I know, but we need to talk about it.” I’ve told my kids from the beginning that I have eyes in the back of my head and ears all around town.</p>
<p>The next thing I’d be asking myself is how I’m going to tell the other host’s parents. I’d be very upset as a parent if another adult knew my kid was planning such a gathering and didn’t let me know. </p>
<p>Good luck, WM–not an easy thing to tackle, but tackle you must~</p>
<p>I just found out that many parents in D2’s 10th grade class provide beer for parties, AND some of them even know kids smoke pot at the parties. I was very disappointed because I know many of those parents and I thought we have the same values.</p>
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<p>IMHO, if OP’s child directly asks her how she knows, she is going to have to give a straight up answer. There’s going to be some fallout from OP’s answer, but I think it would be worse as a teenager to suspect your parent of something. Suspicion really eats away at trust especially if the teen asks a direct question and gets a runaround answer.</p>
<p>…Just concerned about the fallout (related to eavesdropping) getting in the way of the real issue. IMO, “I’m not telling you” isn’t a runaround answer. It’d work at my house, might not work everywhere.</p>
<p>Me – I’d come down like a hammer. </p>
<p>Kid would not be leaving the house on Saturday, that is, without a “parent escort”. I would immediately inform the texters parents.</p>
<p>You can’t ‘unknow’ the information. If something bad happened, and you knew about this, wouldn’t you feel awful? Leaving all the questions of legality aside, kids are driving to this party, that’s all I’m saying.</p>
<p>I am not against drinking, per se (as I’ve said often on CC)
I am not against pot, per se. But those things are illegal in this country, especially for this age range.</p>
<p>You bought him the phone, right? You let him use a car you bought? Family is not a “democracy”, it’s a dictatorship. Your job is to protect those whom you serve. We don’t need to be ‘their friends’. They have friends. This is the time to take the power when you can.</p>
<p>“I am not going to reveal my sources.” </p>
<p>That was my reply, and it was often to protect the other mom who told me something.</p>
<p>Too many times I saw it come to pass that parent #1 shared a concern with parent #2; parent #2 told child #2 that the info came from parent #1; child #2 confronts Child #1, who gets upset with parent #1. Parent #1 learns from the fallout, resents having her cover blown, and the communication stops.</p>
<p>mafool: I was parent #1. It didn’t feel good. child #2 confronted me in front of child #1. That didn’t feel good either. </p>
<p>Do I share now? Absolutely not. I’d rather talk with my son. He wouldn’t misquote me.</p>
<p>exactly, limabeans.</p>
<p>first off, you have to decide if the message is REAL or just some kid bragging online. Second, before a confrontation, you have to guess where your kid will come down on such an invite. Our D received such invites all the time, and knew that attendance was unacceptable. Thus, she did not attend. Or, if she did, she would make it clear that she was only going to see so and so and would leave early before the “real” party started. Then she’d be home at the appointed hour and sober. Yes, trust is earned.</p>
<p>Thanks very very much, everyone. Said child is still asleep and my H and I will discuss strategy before we talk.</p>
<p>They are so innocent when they are asleep. If only he knows what awaits him.</p>
<p>I would probably hurry up and plan some out of town visit to grandma or something for that night.</p>
<p>And I would also be working up to a significant conversation of all things teen, and my expectations for him, ASAP.</p>
<p>(Just to put some space between the cause and the effect.)</p>
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<p>I get this. I was once parent #1. Didn’t care what others said about me. I only said something because a child’s physical safety was at stake, so if there’s fallout - oh well. It stopped the event from happening, and the child is safe. But, I get not wanting to have your cover blown. I still think OP should tell her child where she got the info if asked directly. Her child needs to know that honest questions get honest answers and that her mom is in charge while her child is still a minor. You need a tough skin in the parenting business.</p>
<p>It’d be easy for me - I’d just tell my kid that I saw the text message and ask what’s up with it. The kid’s safety trumps any privacy concerns. The message could turn out to be nothing significant, i.e. some other kid just sent this to every name they could think of or it’s some joke message, or it could be telling that your kid is into such things and warrants further discussion and action. To starting point is just to find out what the truth is.</p>