<p>colmomto2, it is commendable that you feel as you do. Not all parent #1’s do. I don’t want to undermine a relationship between another parent and his/her child, so it was understood by my son that I would not disclose my sources. He also understood that I would not take as certain truth any third hand information I obtained that way.</p>
<p>Lots of ways to do things. That was mine.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t use the “I’m not telling how I know” line. First, your kid is probably going to leap to the conclusion that you were snooping . . . It is not a long leap of logic to make. Second, if the kid trusts you enough that he thinks you didn’t snoop, various possibilities are going to start churning in his mind. Was is that girl from 1st period who doesn’t like him? Maybe the ex-girlfriend who is still ****ed off at him. Wait, only his best friends knew. WHICH ONE OF THEM WAS IT?? The result could be anger directed at a completely uninvolved third party and a lot of nasty rumor-milling, backstabbing, and fallout.</p>
<p>You looked at the phone. You snooped. I agree that you now have to do something about the information you saw. But you also need to acknowledge and take responsibility for your actions, just like your son needs to take responsibility for his.</p>
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I think parents have to be careful with this. I totally agree for early teens, but after about 16, if you are so strict that you have to have their passwords, they can simply have email accounts that you don’t know about. It’s just not that hard.</p>
<p>If they are responsible and mature teens and you have no reason to be suspicious, then I believe they are entitled to some privacy. If, on the other hand, they have given you reason to spy, then all bets are off.</p>
<p>A little story about the whole parent 1 and 2 child 1 and 2 thing.<br>
A few years ago my DD told me that a couple of her HS were being “weird” and mean around her (which was not the usual case.) Fast forward a few weeks…turns out my hairdresser felt her son and his GF were too physical so they told the son that a parent complained to them (which wasn’t the case). Son decided it was me and took it out on my D. I was royally ticked off.
Because the parent didn’t want to tell their own kid the truth my kid gets blamed? Ridiculous. A lilttle honesty in these situations goes a long way. Tell your kid the truth. How you found out…what you think about it, etc.
Oldfort…sorry I did misread your post.</p>
<p>I am interested in what happened…please, worriedmom9999, keep us posted!</p>
<p>I think what I found most shocking in high school were the parents who allowed the parties and underage drinking in their home. I just never could get past that. My husband and I made it clear to my daughter that we would never be the cool parents that allowed this in our home - what about the liability if something happens? Regardless of how you feel about drinking, it’s illegal for high schoolers.</p>
<p>I’m another of the school of thought that they have no privacy as long as they’re minors. If it’s a computer, phone, car, or anything else that I’m paying for, I have a right to use it or take it away. We always required the computer be kept in an open area of the family room and yes, I may pull up a chair or take a look over your shoulder to see who you’re chatting with.</p>
<p>We were lucky and never had any major issues to deal with but we did have the occasional inappropriate “message” left on instant messenger and read by Mom or Dad…discussion always followed. Quite glad those days are over for us, honestly. Parenting is hard. Rewarding but hard.</p>
<p>Well…did your kid tell you that they were going out the night of the party…and to that house? My kids really thought I was out of it…but when they were in high school IF they were invited to a house party, I CALLED THE PARENTS before the party…just to make sure the parents KNEW there was going to be a party and to see if my kid was really invited. Most of the time, the conversations were fine…parents indicated they knew about the party, etc. All was well.</p>
<p>BUT one time DD was invited to a party. I asked for the number of the family (I had never heard of them before…my first “warning sign” that something was not right). It took me several days to get a hold of someone. I finally got the dad on the phone. I politely asked if there was going to be a party…and he said yes. I then asked “will there be adults at home for the duration of the party?” The dad replied “I’m not sure.”. I told my daughter she could NOT go. There was a lot of foot stomping and door slamming and such. Oh well. Later that evening, she came out of her room and told me she understood why I said “no” and that was the end of it.</p>
<p>I’m sorry to say…there are a lot of unresponsible parents out there and many kids who plan parties when their parents won’t be home. I would err on the side of checking with the family re: the event planned at their house.</p>
<p>Here are the rules in our house: 1. We bought the phone and paid for it, we will check it any time, but you can be there when we do. 2. If you want a facebook account, we must be “friended” and not in the limited way. 3. If we have any reason to suspect anything is “going on” we will search your room. You can be there while we search it, and we won’t do it without telling you, but we will search it without pre “warning.” 4. Going to a party? We need a land line and we will be calling the parents an hour before the party. If we cannot get the parents on the line? No go.</p>
<p>Of course, once they hit majority and go off to college, the rules change. But, for minors, those are the rules. The thing about it, though, is for some reason they never felt spied on since we never did any of it without them there. They just knew that was the deal, up front.</p>
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<p>My son and friends still laugh about an incident that involved an unattended computer and a highly inappropriate message left by a classmate via IM. I glanced at the computer and read the appalling worded message and replied for my son: “Hi (name of boy), I’m (son’s) mom. Son happens to be out of the room at the moment. I’ve taken the time to memorize your message and will make sure he gets it verbatim. I imagine he’ll be getting back with you ASAP. BTW, tell your mom I said Hi.” </p>
<p>Told my son just as I said I would, told him to tell his friend that his little sister also had access to the computer and to learn that discretion is often the better part of valor. Classmate never IM’d here again. Fortunately my son and his buddies thought it quite humorous and the story made the rounds of the hs.</p>
<p>Lol^^^^^^^^^^</p>
<p>Love it, ignatious!</p>
<p>Say nothing. As soon as your daughter leaves the house call the police and tell them there is a party with underage drinking and illegal drugs. Hope the police get there before your D.</p>
<p>I’ve been in your position - well not exactly, but I found out disturbing info by snooping. It stinks. No matter what you do you will feel guilty.</p>
<p>I think you need to tell your kid that you know about the party. Whether you admit to reading the texts or simply imply that you “heard it thru the grapevine,” is up to you. If you do it with concern and not an accusing tone, it may lead to a productive conversation. It might lead to an opportunity for your kid to tell you that they had decided not to go and why, or at least to a chance for you to tell your kid what the consequences would be if he/she decided to attend such a party.</p>
<p>I also think you are obligated to inform the parents of the texter. If the situation were reversed, wouldn’t you want to know? I assume this is a party that is taking place while parents are gone. If you don’t want to inform the parents directly, talk to the police and tell them that you are giving them an “anonymous tip” based on a text from the texter. It will be up to the texter to guess whose parents read the message and blew the whistle, and if the texter is as dumb as I suspect he/she is, there were probably a LOT of kids that got that text. Our h.s. has a School Resource Officer who is very good about being discreet and protecting his sources. He heads off a lot of trouble and no one is the wiser. The students have told him about stuff because they’re concerned about their friends doing something dumb, and he’s managed to warn kids, “We know what you’re planning and you really DON’T want to follow through with it.”</p>
<p>There is far too much potential for things to go wrong with this, and if you knew about it and did nothing you would feel guilty. </p>
<p>It’s not about being your kid’s friend. It’s about being their parent. You pay for the phone, and kids need to learn that anything written (even electronically) can be seen by eyes they didn’t intend to see it.</p>
<p>Was there something that made you look at the cell phone? Usually parents who do that have a reason.</p>
<p>I don’t think those messages are sent to kids who are not known to enjoy beer and weed.</p>
<p>I’d tell my child I saw it, I’d forbid him/her from attending the party and I’d lay down laws that apply now and in college. </p>
<p>For my kids, they were told all financial support would end if they ever got caught driving under the influence of anything or being in a car with someone who was. Cars would go, allowance would go and tuition would be a consideration.</p>
<p>Also, I’d send the text to the party holder’s parents. We’re talking about lives here.</p>
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<p>I agree older teens need privacy. My DD (DS is now at college) simply knows that I can and will check her emails if I feel I need to check. I am lucky that my kids accept that my job is to look out for them. (We joke that it was in the parenting contract I signed when they were born.) They know I have their backs. They also know that I am straight up with them. They can ask me anything, and they will get an honest answer. I expect the same from them. It’s worked well for me so far. A couple more years will tell for sure.</p>
<p>The problem is that you now have knowledge that illegal activities may be occurring at a party that your child is attending. I think protecting your child who is still a minor and under your care is your first priority. I know too many kids busted at such parties. The down side of the possibilities is just too grave.</p>
<p>As many others have said, a talk with the child about parties, get togethers, drinking, drugs, and other contraband is necessary. Your child does not have to be drinking or taking at that party to get into trouble. Too much can happen in such scenes that is unacceptable and dangerous. When you lie with the dogs, you get fleas, and they can bite! All parents of kids who are becoming young adults need to develop some system of vetting the parties and other places where there children are gathering. Peer pressure is a heavy load, and I know too many good kids who have been sucked into trouble that could have been avoided.</p>
<p>I have a different take than a lot of parents on this thread. It’s not about ‘rights’ and couching this in legal liability and protecting them. If THAT is the issue, how on earth can you send them away to college next year? Are ypu kidding me? They are still underage, still likely to be at parties with drinking and so on and how you can you send them to a school that allows illegal behavior! To me this all sound like simply parental control for its own sake. </p>
<p>Far more important is mutual respect. If I need so much control and do not trust my teenager that I need to read their text, emails, diaries, and facebook, then I at least owe them the knowledge that I will be doing so. There is nothing ‘honest’ about telling them only when I have to now tell them the fact. </p>
<p>Most teenagers know and are invited to parties with some form of drug (ie. alcohol). In this day and age, mass texting goes on to create giant parties. You knowing about it doesn’t change the fact or put your child at any greater risk. Revealing what you know will not in any way shape or form change their behavior, other than encouraging them to be more discreet next time. You’ve just shown them you neither respect them enough to tell them in advance, nor trust them (since they haven’t even done anything wrong yet!).</p>
<p>Kids will drink or not drink on the basis of a lot of factors. But I think what is most critical is having open communication with them and being able to talk throughout the course of their lives about what is valued and not and why that is the case (as well as the importance of honest, one’s word, and respecting values in your home). </p>
<p>Spying, micro-managing and controlling them at this age does not, and in fact probably does the opposite. If I don’t trust and show them respect, they won’t respect me either, and my values and words mean very little…given I can’t be continuing monitoring them at this age, the best I can hope for is that my values and words DO mean something to them. </p>
<p>I neither tippy toe around my children, nor worry about what they think of me. I care extremely about them avoiding drugs in their youth and other dangerous behavior. But I am a very strong believer in parenting by instilled and internalizing values through talking continually back and forth over the course of their whole life, and at times holding my breath to display I trust them (and trust my parenting)…rather than monitoring and external controlling them with rewards and punishments.</p>
<p>Thank you again for concern and advice. Well as it turns out we were all three at the same place this afternoon as child had a compulsory event and we said not to go anywhere afterward until checking in with us. “Why?” was the question. Well, I could not look child in the face and not say the truth, so I said that I read the phone–never had before, honestly, I swear. Never look at computers. Yes, I do think that there was something nagging at me that made me read it. My point to child was that yes it was wrong to read it, but having read it, we had to do something about it. I persoannlly feel that a child who has a party when parents are away is really selfish and unthinking–putting parents at risk in addition to friends. There are always crashers. This is a real party town–there is always a death from drunk driving every year and always underage drinking/driving/smoking in the newspaper. We forbade going to that party and said never, ever to be at a house party with parents gone–not allowed. Which we have said many times. Never hurts to say it again.</p>
<p>talked about how much we love our children and how it is a scary time for us because our children are very social and we can’t track every friend. (Did I say I hate weekends? I breahthe a sigh of relief on Sunday nights.) </p>
<p>We did not tell the parents. Child did not go, first of all, and we do not know parents and they are European (giant house, fab location)and not here in the US permanently. I’m sure they think our laws are completely backward.</p>
<p>So, so far okay. After the afternoon event, child and best friend went out to eat–for real–and then to another person’s house, but they stopped here on the way and were friendly, so I do not think we have lost trust. I just could not hide my snooping, as this child is so lacking in guile (seemingly) that I did not want to be a bad example–it would be worse to cover it up. It is scary being a parent. Out of the blue this week, I suddenly teared up thinking of our child going to college next year. But honestly, I will not miss staying up late on weekends, worrying.</p>
<p>There is a big difference between how you handle your child once s/he has gone to college and the rules while the child is at home. There is a responsibility for anyone who lives in your home. Also, your child may not be heading off to college if there is trouble at such parties. I have seen that scenario several times.</p>
<p>This has been an issue with my kids even after they go off to college or graduate from college even. They feel that since they are now adults and have lived away from home, that courtesies like calling when not coming home, or letting us know where they are, are no longer relevant. Well, I am a middle aged adult, and if I just went off somewhere without telling someone at home or really everyone at home, and didn’t show up that night, there would be all kinds of trouble. When I visit friends and stay at their homes, I take the trouble to give them my schedule and when I am returning if I go somewhere. It’s all courtesy. You tell someone “good by” when you are going out the door, and let them know some details of where you are going. You don’t do that when you live elsewhere.</p>
<p>When DD was an incoming freshman in high school, the school held a parent’s meeting at the beginning of school and talked openly about issues that parents face these days with high school age kids. Being an all girls school, they talked alot about eating disorders, dealing with curfews, alcohol, school dances, and unsupervised parties.</p>
<p>They encouraged all parents to make “the brownie call”. Going in to a large high school with many feeder schools meant that there would be lots of new friends that parents had never met before. They suggested that anytime your child said they had been invited to a party, you call the mother of the host/hostess and ask if you can send a batch of brownies to the party. Gives an opportunity to check things out a little bit.</p>
<p>It didn’t take me long to figure out which houses she wouldn’t be going to especially overnight.</p>