<p>I think you handled it well with your child. It was a tough situation.</p>
<p>However, I still think you should have dropped a dime to the cops. An anonymous tip would have been fine. As long as parents turn the other way and condone the silence our kids want us to keep, we are enabling and condoning their behavior. Perhaps a cop bust would have scared/warned some of these kids to change their ways. Certainly would have woken the parents up to their responsiblities as parents here in America (who cares what they do in Europe? We’re not IN Europe!)</p>
<p>I drove by a nice home in our neighborhood today where a friend of mine used to live. Both she and her husband were in the medical field and lauded for the good they do by all…very kind, thoughtful couple who were just remarkably good people. Left their older teen child home alone for two days and he threw a party against their stated wishes. Someone snorted someone else’s crushed Ritalin and died at that party. 17 year olds have very poor judgment and are very preoccupied with their status among their peers…and in many cases, they can’t be trusted to monitor their peers, rat their peers out or set proper limits.<br>
Have a good talk with your child about recreational drug, pot and alcohol use. You may not stop all experimenting but I think older teens will pause and weigh out a parent’s reaction and consequences if you have been explicit and specific in why.</p>
<p>Ya know what? I think sometimes kids just want to be told – NO, you are not doing that.</p>
<p>This is interesting:
</p>
<p>Have you guys ever had it happen that the kid asks you if he/she can go someplace, while holding the phone with the inviter on the other end? And – operating on a hunch maybe – you ask questions that your kid isn’t giving you a straight answer to, and following your hunch, you say no. And the kid pitches a fit – IN FULL EARSHOT OF THE FRIEND ON THE PHONE – and says “everyone else is going”, “nobody else’s mom has a problem”, and ‘YOU’RE THE MEANEST PARENT IN THE WORLD’…and then they, in all apparent misery get off the phone…</p>
<p>…and then they are fine. And what’s that faint perfume in the air the kid is exuding? Relief? Mm, slight aftereffect of satisfaction that the parent saved the kid from a dangerous/inappropriate/out-of-control situation? Reassurance, secureness, and also that the friends heard for themselves that the kid could not go, even though he/she pitched a holy fit. So the kid is still “cool”, even though the parent is desperately un-cool.</p>
<p>And I’m completely okay with not being cool.</p>
<p>worriedmom, it sounds like you did a great job. Phew! And yes, I have definitely had my d ask me loudly if she could go somewhere, holding the phone-- and shaking her head so I know I’m supposed to forbid it. Nice to know we’re still needed!</p>
<p>We had an arrangement: when son was much younger–I’m thinking middle school-- he would call and ask if he could do or go so-and-so. I would ask if it was something he wanted to do and he could say no without his friends hearing, then I could tell him he couldn’t go. He could sound ticked or whatever and that was that. Would I have preferred that he had the strength of his convictions to say no to his friends? Of course. But, while that strength was developing, I was very happy to be the excuse to avoid dubious situations.</p>
<p>^^^totally agree! As a matter of fact, I used to tell my daughter regularly that she could use me as an excuse any time she felt she needed or wanted to. I’m fine with being the mean mom especially when it keeps my child safe.</p>
<p>This is a guide to parents about teen parties that was developed by a parents’ group at an independent school in an affluent part of the SF Bay Area, distributed to all parents at that school as well as at other independent schools in the area, sometimes complemented by speakers and parent discussions at the school. It can help to get parents on the same page or at least help each family clarify expectations and guidelines. Contents include:</p>
<p>Planning, Controlling & Surviving Teen Parties</p>
<pre><code>When the gathering is at your home
Before the party
During the party
When the party is elsewhere
Before the party
During/after the party
The underground party
When its nowhere and everywhere
When its at your house, but you dont know it
</code></pre>
<p>Parenting: Being Effective and Connected as Your Childs Social Life Expands </p>
<p>What Kids (and Parents) Need to Know About Underage Drinking and the Law</p>
<p>I def agree that kids want to be told “no.” The pressure out there is so intense at times that they just need even the slightest chance to be out of the radar. I am always willing to be the bad guy with D’s situations. But, I’ve also heard her say, “You know how my parents are. There’s no way.” She gets to have the strict parents, stay out of the line of fire and her friends feel sorry for her for having such strict parents.</p>
<p>The wierd thing is that I know she thinks we’re very reasonable. If there is something she really wants to do which sounds dubious, she will come to the conversation prepared with all the reasons it is okay and why it is safe and what her plans are, etc…She certainly has to think through all the contingencies, but I really do trust her judgement. Then, there is the part where all the kids want to be at OUR house, which has no separate kids game room, where everyone is right within eyeshot of adults the whole time. So, why do you think THAT is? No pressure. It’s all our fault, AND they can still have fun. Too much freedom too quickly is just confusing and makes them feel unsafe, imho. When you say to your kid, “No, you can’t go to the drug party,” you are saying, “I love you.”</p>
<p>I agree kids like having “strict” parents. A few weeks ago, DD called home while she was doing community service at school (during a Teacher Planning Day) and asked if she could go to lunch with a male friend X in his car. She heard the hesitation in my voice (I have not met this young man, but I’ve heard DD talk about him.) I trust my DD and said, “Yes.” She called back a few minutes later to tell me she was not going because it turned out someone else would be driving. She didn’t know him, and she KNEW she would get in trouble with me if she went off in a stranger’s car. She was saying this very loudly in front of her friend X. I think she used me as an excuse to not go off in the car with someone she didn’t know even though her friend would be there, too. She’s a good kid.</p>
<p>After a rather harrowing incident at my S’s private school, parents were encouraged to communicate a bit more freely with each other re gatherings, parties. A bit intimidating if you don’t know these folks. Well, someone came up with the idea of putting an asterisk next to your family’s name in the directory indicating that you were willing to be called whenever there was a question of a party, etc. Actually it worked pretty well and I certainly used the system. S was OK with it, knowing it was the norm.</p>
<p>I’ve made enough comments about “I was your age once” that my DS3 said to me, “you know Mom, I don’t know why you talk about this stuff so much. I wouldn’t do those things you’re talking about, but the more often you tell me that ‘line’, I start to wonder what kind of teenager you were once.” Ouch!</p>
<p>Just out of curiosity to the OP, has your child ever done anything to lose your trust? I used to get texts like that all the time, but I never drank nor did I smoke. The only time I drank during high school was when my friend brewed his own beer and he brought over some for my whole family to try. </p>
<p>I guess it’s just different cultures. My mum grew up in England where drinking was very acceptable (and still is) when one enters high school. Binge drinking is not a big thing. The secrecy behind this text message scares me a bit because things like this should not be hidden, there should be open dialogue. However, the REASON that there is no open dialogue is because parents are very strict and would demand the child not go, regardless of whether or not they participate in these activities. My parents always knew the score, whether there would be drinking or pot or whathaveyou at a party. That way, they could be prepared if I DID drink to come get me. But I never did.</p>
<p>The scarier part is I watched kids drink and drive to get home because they were too afraid to call their parents and ask to come get them because they had been drinking and didn’t want to get grounded. There needs to be open communication and, while the kids made a stupid decision to drink in the first place, they need to know that they can trust their parents to come get them without terrible consequences. As long as they know that grounding or whatever would be on the other end of the phone, they will not stop drinking, but they will make the stupid decision to drive home rather than make that dreaded call home. At least if kids trust their parents, they would know that parents would rather see them come home safe by calling them than to have to go identify their kin in the morgue.</p>
<p>“Binge drinking is not a big thing” - in England???!!!??? You’re kidding, right? When we lived in London, my h and I tried to make it home before the pubs closed to avoid the vomit-spewing pub-crawlers on the King’s Road.
Otherwise, I agree with you.</p>
<p>^there is a HUGE difference between London and the rest of England. To say London is represntative of all of England is like saying that we all club hop every night like people do in New York and LA.</p>
<p>Plus, a lot of those in London are tuorists. I remember there being more American kids than British kids drinking in pubs because of the drinking age. When you get out of London you get a much different experience.</p>
<p>dear lord – in a few short months your entire adamant edifice will be in crumbles. Hold onto it for dear life for the brief remaining moments of your “dictatorship” I guess, if it makes you feel better.</p>
<p>Sorry, FBBG, but at my house it’s “my house, my rules”. My daughter is now a senior in college. Obviously there’s a big difference between levels of freedom that should be afforded to high school students and college students (especially once they’re no longer minors)…except in the opinion of other high school students perhaps.</p>
<p>When DD was in high school, I waited up until she was in at night and she knew I would be waiting. When she comes home from college, I ask that she come home at a decent hour because that parental alarm clock thing won’t let me fall soundly asleep until she’s home. Now that she’s no longer a minor, it’s more about respect knowing that I’ll worry rather than me setting limits.</p>
<p>I didn’t know parents actually waited up. I thought that was just in the movies. My parents always just told me to text if I was out past midnight. They went to bed around 10, usually long before I came home.</p>
<p>I used to wait up for D1 in high school. She had to be able to carry on a 10 min conversation with me and kiss me good night after she got home.</p>
<p>One more thing on the “wanting to be told no” front: we also have an arrangement with our D that she can call us from a party or anywhere, and signal us that we should tell her that she has to leave, and that we are coming to get her. She’s already used this once.</p>