Worried about sending my child to college without a high school partying background.... Any advice?

Parents Forum
1

My D will be going to college 2200 miles away from home. She has attended a very small high school (less than 100 in graduating class). She’s had a great classroom experience in HS and, I believe, she is prepared for the rigors of college.

However, her HS experience has been very different from my own. There haven’t been many parties with alcohol… she’s only been to one where there was any drinking… she told me all about it. Unlike the household I grew up in, I have really made a concerted effort to talk with my kids. We talk about relationships, friends, sex, drinking, drugs, etc. As her mother, I love that she hasn’t spent high school partying - but I know her experience is not the norm. (My husband and I were much bigger partiers in HS and college. I also think we frittered away opportunities in college - didn’t take full advantage.)

While I also believe I have kept my role as a parent, I have also tried to be the person that she can come to. And, so far, she has. She tells me about other kids she knows who drink and/or smoke pot. I believe her when she says she hasn’t “partied”. She’s been very social, hanging out with friends. She does theater and has had friends at other schools and has heard stories. She is fun, peppy, vibrant - she’s awesome (biased opinion there :slight_smile: ).

She talks about being so excited about college - getting out of high school and going to college parties. She also talks about all of the clubs she wants to join and she’s even doing research on a potential major. So, I’m really hoping for a nice balance of school and social. But, college is expensive and we will not allow a 4 year party - what a waste that would be.

So this leads to my fears about checking her into her dorm. I’m worried about “wheels off”. She jokes about trying to find the first party out there - she says with a smile. I have told her about my worries. I’ve talked with her about keeping control. I’ve told her that I know she will drink, but to please try to not to get too crazy. We’ve talked about sexual assault potential when drinking to excess. I’ve even suggested that she and her group of friends have a “designated sober person” to keep a watchful eye out for dangers.

I know I have to let her go and be confident in the young lady she has become… but I can’t help but worry. I’ve thought about a “contract” with her - remind her about grades, going to class, working, making the most of school, getting involved and not partying it away. Is this idea too “strict”?

Please don’t comment that she probably hasn’t told me everything. Please assume she has as I am looking for some advice here.

Any words of wisdom out there?

2

From what you’ve detailed, your daughter is an eager and conscientious incoming freshman with a good head on her shoulders. Things will turn out just fine. She’s going to dabble. She might drink a bit and smoke a bit, but I think that if things get out of hand she will try to handle it, whether that be talking to you or another trusted figure.

My words of wisdom would be to let her go, continue to be someone she can return to for guidance and support, and encourage her to have fun.

It sounds like she will do just fine!

3

It sounds as if you have addressed every thing you can. I had the same concerns when our daughter went off to school last year.
These things are a balance, you want to protect them and they also need to have their own experiences. The relationship you have with her sounds very strong and open and honest. Letting her know she can contact you at any time, day or night if she needs you. If the lines of communication remain open that is likely as good as it gets.
I always tell our daughter it isn’t her I worry about, I worry about other people. Sometimes kids think they are more worldly than they are. Discussion about always being aware of what is going around you, never leaving your beverage out of your site, holding your hand over your glass, never putting yourself in situations where they could be vulnerable.
A comment I often make is “you may think you don’t need to hear this but I need to say it and I want you to listen”.
Your caring will come through.
Best Wishes!

4

Do you and your spouse drink? Offer her a glass of wine or a bottle of beer with dinner while she is home between now and college. Sometimes, its the allure of forbidden fruit. If nothing else, better to learn one’s tolerance level at home IMO.

5

THANK YOU so much! Just what I needed to hear. So many of her friends are staying close to home and she’s always wanted to spread her wings. So, here she goes and I will let go! I promise. :slight_smile:

6

Park your helicopter. She sounds like a smart kid who will do fine. Mistakes are part of life.

7

If she’s had the opportunity and hasn’t really dabbled, it probably doesn’t interest her much. I was raised like your D, more or less. Things were always open in my house and if I wanted to drink or smoke or whatever, I could. I didn’t really though because it didn’t appeal to me.

Do not do a contract. IMO, 18 years of parenting is going to be thousands of times more influential than a piece of paper.

Good luck and have confidence!

8

You could have been describing me in high school. I didn’t drink at all my freshman year in college, but started as a sophomore (the drinking age was 18 back then). Yes, I went a little wild. There are a few incidents my parents never heard about! But nothing horrible happened, and I survived. There is really nothing you can do. Oh, and I was only 20 minutes from my parents’ house, and my dad was one of my profs, so proximity to home doesn’t make much difference!

9

@NavalTradition - As I wrote, I expected a comment like that. I chuckle at it as so many of her classmates are going to school within 10 miles of home - lots of helicopters at her HS. I give my kids lots of freedom - allow driving as soon as they turn 16, haven’t restricted parties (they just aren’t there for her), sent her to visit two colleges alone (plane rides), etc.

You are right, though. Mistakes are part of life. That’s a very helpful reminder.

10

I suggest talking to your daughter about some of the things that might arise because of drinking that one doesn’t necessarily anticipate: the dangers of walking while drunk, especially in cold weather; driving while drunk; and dancing while drunk. (The last one might sound funny, but an incident in which one of my children danced with someone else’s boyfriend while both were inebriated caused her a huge amount of angst.) Also alert her to the dangers of other drugs. Mushrooms; ecstasy; weed (the latter mostly a problem if one is caught dealing it).

11

Thanks @rosered55 - We are pretty open with all of that. Whenever I hear a story about a new drug or “format”, we talk about it. I’ve never wanted my kids to feel naive. It’s been our parenting style to be very open and talk while being moderately conservative in our presentation. :slight_smile: I think we’ve done well. She is a great kid. I’m going to have faith in her.

12

Also talk about what to do if her friends are in danger or are putting her in danger.

13

However, naive new freshwomen are the favored targets of sexual predators who may lurk at parties – and alcohol is a common “weapon” for sexual predators who get their victims too drunk to resist, or remember enough to tell the police anything useful about the suspect. You do not want her to make the kind of mistake that allows someone to rape her.

It is best if she learns her threshold for alcohol consumption at home, and that she is aware of the usual safety measures if she does go to parties with alcohol (no mixed drinks that conceal the amount of alcohol, do not let your drink out of your sight, go with buddies, etc.).

Of course, she should be aware of legal issues regarding underage drinking, and the hazards of other activities when drunk (especially driving).

14

With drinking we have taken off the “training wheels” at home. While parents have differing opinions on this, we felt it was important for our D to know her limits with alcohol before we sent her off next Fall. So we started last summer allowing her to have wine with us on a week-end if she was not going out that evening. She will readily admit that she enjoys wine, but she will also readily admit that 2 glasses is the limit. Anything after that and she agrees that her personality changes and she “talks a lot.” So now she knows.

We have strongly encouraged her to avoid hard liquor such as vodka or any type of “shot.” We have explained why and I think we have gotten through to her, but things can change when they are at a college party surrounded by new friends. We have educated her to the best of our ability and just have to trust that she will make intelligent decisions.

15

I assume you’ve had this talk, too, but if not, make sure your daughter has reliable birth control and can get prescriptions, if they’re needed, refilled easily at school.

16

@rosered55 Yep! The logistics aren’t settled yet, though. She won’t have a car and I don’t know if there is a pharmacy in walking distance. I may be mailing every 90 days. :slight_smile: Started for acne, but will carry on through. I’m not naive, but just want her to be safe and make the most of college.

17

If she’s on birth control I can’t recommend enough that she does something OTHER than the pill. It is a pain to go get it filled every month and too many students easily lapse.

I recommend the implant or an iud depending on her needs if possible. I switched over to the implant as a sophomore or junior and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

18

And remember: “No love without the glove.” I’ve drilled always using a condom into my kids’ heads from a very early age. Sent each kid off to college with some to be on the safe side, although they are usually readily available on many college campuses.

19

Here is an article about IUDs and LARCs: http://fivethirtyeight.com/features/iuds-are-more-affordable-than-ever-so-will-more-women-get-them/

20

It’s somewhat more normal than you think I bet.

I think it’s a lot less common than often thought that a kid goes from studious and responsible in high school to going crazy in college. If you haven’t seen any red flags along the way thus far chances are she’ll continue the same trajectory in college.