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Please, send a letter home!
I have found the examples of other kids who screw up to be invaluable. I tell my kids stories I read on here of kids getting arrested for drinking, stupid decisions about school work that can be found to be cheating, stealing things, climbing on roofs or other unsafe structures, bad decisions with cars - just dumb mistakes that can be physically dangerous or legally create a problem. My nephew got a ‘Minor in Possession’ ticket for having a drink on the beach on spring break, and it’s costing him about $2000. Money speaks to my children, and they know I wouldn’t (couldn’t) pay the ticket.
In the end, you just have to trust that the conversations you’ve had are a good foundation, shut your eyes, and pray a little. One of my kids goes to a flagship and there is a fair amount of drinking, but she’s not really involved in it too much (even though she’s in a sorority). She now has an older boyfriend who doesn’t really drink very much so it has not been a problem. The other child would love to be a big party girl and drink every night, but she’s an athlete and drinking 24 hours before any practice or 48 hours before any game is forbidden. Again (and I give thanks) some other kids on the team proved to be the example and were suspended for the first game, a big price to pay. My daughter bitched and moaned about it, but did not break the rules. In a way, I think she likes that she can say ‘Oh, I would love to go to the party/beach/bar, but I can’t because I have a game.’
Both of my children were/are 4 year varsity athletes in high school. Honestly, I think more than anything sports kept them out of trouble. Their schedules were so jammed packed with practices, tournaments and related activities that they had little time to hang in other people’s basements or attend parties on the week-ends. And if thy had a tournament on Saturday or Sunday, there was no way they were going to be out partying the night before.
For my son who we travel with for hockey, many week-ends from November trough March are spent on the road traveling to tournaments. The coaches set curfews for when all the boys have to be back in their hotel rooms so the pressure is off the parents. I think without the sports my children would have had way too much time on their hands. They are both pretty social so I don’t know how that might have played out.
Contrary to popular belief, every college kid does not drink (I didn’t, and I certainly wasn’t a prude either!).
My child isn’t a “drinker” but I do know that she has had her first shot. She complains that all of her friends use her as the designated driver and it’s becoming a little annoying. There were several instances where things got really out of control and she was really angry that she had to be the “parent”.
Just want to give you a different perspective on things.
She might consider honors dorms. My kids were in the same situation. My oldest figured out how to to “party” safely and smart. He made it through with no serious incidents. My youngest found a group that does not drink -a nd they have figured out how to have fun without it. One year down. That is part of it - in HS you are often “left out” If you don’t party - in college there are plenty who choose not to - she can look for them.
Mistake are part of life, but I almost died from mine.
Things like:
- don’t go to a party alone - go with friends and promise each other to walk home together
- don’t drink at a party and not eat - even to the point of bringing snacks with you (granola bar) or partaking of cheese doodles and other frat party fare
- if you need help getting home, CALL PUBLIC SAFETY for a safe ride home - the risk of being reported to the college as breaking any ethics rules (check on this by the way - colleges differ!) is MUCH less than the risk of either dying from drinking or walking home with a stranger
- try to decide up front what the point is - if she wants to hang out with friends, go to a party and if they abandon her, she should resolve to go home (relatively) sober before she gets in over her head and has no one to turn to
What if she doesn’t have a lot of friends quickly? Don’t go to parties quickly. Go to the library. Go to all of the floor meetings and major meetings. Join clubs. Do things during the day, and study at night.
My worst time was when I broke up with a guy I dated for a few months, I was down and was not thinking straight even before I had my first drink, let alone my fifth. At some point, college students need to decide what kind of life they want at college - the one wine cooler and I’m done life or the wake-up-who-knows-where life.
I don’t plan to do a “alcohol trial” with my kids unless they ask, because it helped me zero, I still almost killed myself one night drinking grain punch without eating, and that was after having been given alcohol occasionally (full can of beer when you weigh 80 lbs…) from age 12 on.
But if I did try it, what I would try is this, have them have:
- one stiff drink with no eating, and see how they feel
- one stiff drink with eating a full meal, and see how they feel
- a glass of wine with dinner
Some people will have a reaction to red wine, for example. Almost everyone I know who isn’t an alcohol addict will feel a stiff drink on an empty stomach noticeably. Almost everyone I know will feel slightly affected if they start eating, then drink while they eat. Almost everyone I know can tolerate wine with dinner with little effect.
If she is on the light side, 100 lbs. give or take, it’s even more important to gauge any drinking.
(and that’s ignoring the “if you have sex, have safe sex” conversation)
I always told my kids not to leave any friends behind when they are out at a party, especially when a friend is drunk. Tell you daughter to hold on to her drink at parties, get her own drinks, and if she needs to put it down then get a fresh one. Water is your kid’s best friend. Whenever she feels she has had too much, down few glasses of water and go to bathroom. Before she goes to bed at night after a big party, drink few glasses of water and an aspirin.
Yes!
Also, drinking games. Really watch out for those, especially those that deal with hard liquor.
Water is extremely important. Depending on how nights and parties go, you could be going 18+ hours without a single drop of water and just alcohol. Not a good mix when you wake up. Dehydration is a beast and is not something you want to play with.
You should both read Krakauer’s new book “Missoula” simply because it hammers home the complexity of sexual assault and the role alcohol plays regarding vulnerability.
My son claims part of the reason he never learned to drive in high school was so he didn’t have to be the designated driver. He doesn’t drink because he’s never learned to like the taste. I was sure eventually he’d get around to liking something, his girlfriend drinks wine with us, but he’s very stubborn!
Things that have happened to young people I know personally or their classmates: 1) Getting an underage drinking ticket one month before HS graduation at a post-play (theater) party hosted by, and with alcohol provided by, the parents of a student. The parents are a physician and a registered nurse. 2) Getting a DUI after drinking at most three drinks over the course of an evening. Student thought it would be safer to drive home (impaired judgment!) than to walk home alone. Didn’t turn on car’s headlights. Stopped half a block later. Could have been suspended or expelled from college but wasn’t. Was convicted, with all expected ramifications. 3) Being a regular user, buyer, and seller of mushrooms. Deciding to strip and stab himself. Going outside and getting hit by a car. Fortunately, survived. 4) Expelled from college for selling weed. 5) Getting an STD. 6) Pregnancy scare.
Good kids all.
This is not to scare anyone but just to make the point that things, especially the things we don’t expect, can and do happen. The open lines of communication are invaluable, whether your child is the victim or an onlooker.
I started drinking beer at a relatively young age and have always loved good beer. This has, for me, probably been the primary reason why I’m not really a drinker. I don’t like mixed drinks and I despise wine. I won’t drink most cheap beer. Thus, I really didn’t drink at parties until I was legal age and could buy my own stuff. It does happen.
No, not all kids drink but the majority of college students do at one time or another. Better to be over-prepared than under-prepared.
The advice I give my younger cousins is this (and yes, I realize I might be opening up a can of worms and no, I don’t really want to debate it): don’t go to frat parties. Overwhelmingly, they’re dumb and often even destructive. Have fun around people you trust or at least know, not random strangers. JMO
@lr4550 My husband, daughter (about to head off to college) and I have all been reading “Missoula,” and I was about to suggest this book when I read your post. It is a sad story, truly a lose lose for each young person involved, the girls and the boys. The book has lead to a lot of great discussions, especially since in three major incidents featured in the book-- the girls were beyond drunk and basically unconscious. We have consistently told our daughter not to drink anything that you did not pour yourself at a party–ideally, carry your own bottle opener or wine screw if necessay. She said yesterday, that reading the book has made her scared. I told her that we did not buy it for her to read to scare her, but to be aware so that she can protect herself.
And just say “yes” to condoms. I gave my daughter a box beautifully wrapped for her 18th birthday with a sticky note that said “don’t leave home without one.” I also left the price tag on the box and said, “I want you to know how cheap these are…if your friend needs one, give her one!”
LOL
Does that even work for the young crowd? I thought that was just for us oldforts.
I will echo what NorthernMom61 said about adulterated beverages. I’m not a fearful alarmist, but if I had to do it again in today’s college scene, I would stay away from unsealed drinks. I got Mickey FInn’ed twice and that was a long time ago when it was very uncommon. You can’t see it coming and you can’t do anything about it once it happens. I’m not sure about the traditional beer cup, but I would absolutely never touch a fruit punch bowl.
@JustOneDad Ewwwwwww! I remember the Jimmy Jones Punch Bowl! That lined trash can full of punch, fruit and the mixture of pints of booze required for admission to the party…YUCK! My daughter was telling me that she read that there is nail polish that will change color if you dip it in a drink that has been drugged. I still stand by the open your own bottle advice though.
Your daughter sounds like my daughter. She has a close group of a few friends, but doesn’t attend parties with drinking, etc. She also is open with us, and vice versa, and she tells me almost everything. Enough.
However, I think my D and yours are also the norm. So are kids who party… but there are different “norms”, I think.
Trust me, there will be other kids at college who also don’t drink to excess and aren’t interested. I went to college with a few kids like that, although I did drink and smoke pot and… well, some other stuff.
I think you’ve done all you can do, honestly. Part of growing up is having your parents let you go, and letting you become responsible for yourself. It seems you have an open and trusting relationship with each other, and that is a very healthy and stable foundation for her. Trust her that she will make mature decisions. Be comforted, at least, that it is far better than those kids whose parents never talk to them about these things and they have no adult advice to go on… You’ve equipped your daughter with sound advice about things she may encounter while away… all you can do now is trust that she listened, and she has a level head. And keep talking with her, openly, and in a non-judgmental way, about these things.
I agree with others about talking frankly with her about birth control, STDs, the dangers of being overly intoxicated, and drinking in moderation. But it sound like you may have already done this.
I agree that offering them a small drink here and there at home takes some of the “forbidden fruit” aspect away from it.
Just continue being honest and open and approachable. That’s the best we can do, really.
One benefit of beer in bottles/cans…keep the tops in your pocket. Visual reminder of how many you’ve had. Decide BEFORE drink #1 what your limit will be. 3? Count those bottle tops and stop when you hit the magic number.
Another great idea @shellz
Wish I could take credit for it. My son’s college prof (a military guy) taught it to his students. Pretty sound advice, especially the deciding limits before the first drink.