Worst Fear Realized...Son is Struggling

Colleges & Universities University of Alabama
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<p>I agree that talk of transferring is toooo premature and probably not productive.</p>

<p>A couple of years ago, a Bama frosh posted early in the semester that he was transferring. He did transfer and guess what, he soon was posting that he hated his new school, too, and wanted to transfer again.</p>

<p>Some kids are more outgoing and can find new friends immediately. Some kids are more shy/reserved and (for some reason) think that others are supposed to make the effort and first move. Some kids went thru K-12 with the same crowd and have lost the art of making new friends.</p>

<p>My H experienced a bit of that problem…his K-12 pals were his neighbors from birth…he had no skills on how to make “new friends”. He’d always had friends, essentially by default of the neighborhood, so he hadn’t learned how to “make new connections.” He was used to “traveling with the neighborhood crowd” so to speak…doing whatever the crowd was doing that week/weekend. Joining the same sports, etc. Going off to college was shocking because he didn’t have his “peeps” around.</p>

<p>One key to making new friends is…don’t walk around with your eyes to the ground, make EYE CONTACT with others, have a FRIENDLY default expression on your face, and smile when you come upon others and say a quick “hey” (the southern equivalent of “hi”). My sister (a therapist) swears that some people have an unwelcoming “default expression” on their faces which can make them seem unappoachable.</p>

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<p>He will. All it takes is a willingness to edit and go through a few (sometimes very rough) drafts.</p>

<p>Roll Tide!</p>

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<p>Hugs to you and your son. You received wonderful advice from the other posters.</p>

<p>This might have been said already but maybe the RA could have a fun meeting with the students on their floor. The students could introduce themselves and get to know each other a little better. Maybe a movie night? </p>

<p>Is there a tv in the kitchen/common area? You will have many folks come over and watch the football games.</p>

<p>I hope there is a turnaround this week for your son. There is a full week of classes so he will be busy. Good luck and please keep us posted.</p>

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<p>denthyg, remember the cookies, letter and care package are therapy for you too! It is something you can do that will make you feel less helpless in this situation. I think a fun and encouraging letter or notes from sisters would be a great addition to the package. He needs to know that even though he may be very far away, you are all there to support him during this transition. I still end each conversation with my kiddos with an “I love you” (security), “Have a great day” (optimism)and a reminder that even though they don’t need me as much anymore…I always have their backs (support).</p>

<p>While you and your son cannot change his feeling and experience of the last few week (read no control over the past) he can control tomorrow…and his future. Of course, not every aspect of it, but he needs to focus on what he IS in control of. Baby steps.</p>

<p>As my son is new at Bama, I defer to the wonderful involvement suggestions of the experience posters. (I’m taking notes) Remeber…isolation is his enemy.</p>

<p>It is great that he will not have to wait until winter break to see you all. Ask him to make plans for your visit. If he has a planning task, he will have things to ask the new people he meets. For example, places to eat that are good but perhaps not mobbed on Parents Weekend. Find out if the Honors College/Engineering department have any special plans for Parents Weekend…you get my drift. He can be in control of your weekend. You may want to ask him if there is anything he would like you to bring down with you for his new space. You might be surprised what he asks for. Daughter asked that I bring her old raggy pillow with me…with pillowcase attached. She still has it. Go figure.</p>

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<p>Yes, while leaving old friends and family behind can be a sad time, the flip side is the opportunity one has to “reinvent” themselves. This is especially true for those kids who have grown up with and gone to school with the same kids since kindergarten. Even for the most outgoing of kids, putting yourself out there can be understandably uncomfortable.</p>

<p>Making new friends will take time…a different amount for each person depending upon the way they go about it and where they look.</p>

<p>Although my daughter and her first roommate seemed to be a perfect match based on their profiles and conversations, it couldn’t have been farther from the truth. It seems everyone is not honest when posting their profiles or in conversations and then there are a few who are outright dishonest for various reasons. My D didn’t have the best beginning as far as roommates go, but she is thriving in all other aspects. It took getting out of her comfort zone to find her place.</p>

<p>To the dismay of many, we uprooted our two younger teens this year and moved them to a high school twice the size of where they’ve been. They left everything that was familiar to them to change schools as a junior and sophomore. We discussed the difficulties they might face beforehand. Happily, I can report to you that my girls have left their comfort zones and tried new things. They’re discovering a new sense of freedom in making new friends based upon who they are and their interests rather than relying upon familiar faces. I think this experience will benefit them as they go away to college very soon. As M2CK and others have echoed, leaving the comfort zone, seizing opportunities to meet others, and putting a smile on your face goes a long way…you just have to sprinkle in a good amount of patience along the way. :)</p>

<p>By the way, my daughter shared that she still feels homesick whenever I leave after a visit or after she leaves home. She loves the UA and has made new friends, but there is something about leaving the familiar that still tugs at both of us just a bit because she and her sisters are very close and so is our family. She finds it helpful to have an activity planned when we leave. :)</p>

<p>She and a friend she met last year are now sharing an apartment. Although they get along very well and share many common interests, they still try to maintain separate activities and friends in addition to those they share. I think keeping a certain amount of independence is a good thing.</p>

<p>In reference to the excessive drinking going on with some students, one of my D’s professors shared a thought last week. He told his students that many will find three things to do in college: study, sleep, and party, but that most students will find they can only be successful at two of the three. :)</p>

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<p>denthyg</p>

<p>What does your son like to do? Is he into sports at all?</p>

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<p>Good thought, HersheyBear. I was thinking about suggesting intramural sports. Of course, when the Tide plays, that’s another opportunity for meeting friends, too.</p>

<p>Dent, your son is not alone in dealing with this. :)</p>

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<p>OP, I would take transferring off the table in discussions since you don’t won’t him to get into a “I just have to make it through 16 more weeks” mentality. Hope he tries Methodist group, but encourage him to try several religious groups. I was very active in college with my denomination group, but many of to others at the same religious center had different denominational backgrounds. In other words, if he doesn’t click with methodist group, try another. Also have him look at service. At D’s school there is a service Saturday once a month that you can sign up for. It starts at 9:30 am on Saturdays so chances are other students doing this are not heavy partiers :slight_smile: If honors program is like ours, then classes are small and he should start getting to know people. As others said, encourage him to not expect roomies to be best friends and he will findhis group! Validate his fears, remind him that many people take as long as a couple of months to not feel homesick and settle into routine, and make him promis to try one new thing before he calls again. Good luck!</p>

<p>Also, kids don’t read anything. While I don’t encourage helicoptering, maybe look on-line for events he might miss and send him reminders.</p>

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<p>denthyg
My S is also in the Honors College, an engineering major, a non drinker (he’s Southern Baptist but don’t hold that against him-- we love Methodists :-), and he is in the MDB. PM me if you want more info. I bet he would love to have somebody new to go to Get on Board Day with. BTW, he’s not into the Greek scene either. Maybe S could accidentally “find” him. Who knows. Could be a friendship in the making.</p>

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<p>Young Life is a great program and I believe they have a chapter at 'BAMA.</p>

<p>The first YL meeting my DD attended as a HS freshman involved a (live) cricket-spitting contest between a boy and a girl volunteer (who volunteered BEFORE the contest was explained.) THE GIRL WON!!! DD came home HOOKED on Young Life and even volunteered one summer at a YL camp high in the CO rockies…</p>

<p>YL is a Christian group - based on FUN and CRAZY activities and a soft-sell opportunity to find your own relationship with God. The kids who attend grow close…and they are good kids.</p>

<p>YL typically meets on Monday evenings…but I have no confirmation of the UA chapter schedule.</p>

<p>Just a thought…YL is a VERY WELCOMING GROUP. Worth consideration. NO PRESSURE - JUST FUN and FELLOWSHIP.</p>

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<p>i think the faith based groups are a good place to try to get him plugged in. if he was at least raised in the church, i think he will find a good fit. you don’t have to be crazy religious to find a fit. and all church groups are interested in outreach.</p>

<p>there are so many, some linked with a particular church and some not.</p>

<p>here are the ones i can think of: </p>

<p>young life - they like to have fun! club meeting one week (monday nights) and activity the next
chi alpha - idk much about this one
first baptist student ministry. they do lots of things. fun activities, retreat, epic etc.
BCM - most of my daughters friends are involved here
the well - idk which church this is with, but i think it is pretty good.
navigators - someone on here has a kid involved in this</p>

<p>and there probably at least a dozen more</p>

<p>i, too, this it is WAY too early to start thinking about a transfer.</p>

<p>my daughter ended up in your son’s state of mind after about 6 weeks, but everything has turned out ok. she still gets a little pre-homesick before she is about to leave home for a long while. it is kind of irritating to me, and i told her so this summer. she said, “yeah, i know. i always get this way when i am about to leave you. once i am gone i pretty much forget about you and i am fine.” haha! </p>

<p>it is an adjustment, for sure. he just needs to get out there and find his tribe. the tribe is not going to come find you.</p>

<p>as for RAs and dorm activities, i am not aware that the RAs organized anything at all while my daughter was there (2 years). if this is truly the case, then UA needs to have the RAs doing something to bring their communities together. i am sure your son is not the only one having a hard time.</p>

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<p>My DS entered UA in a similar way. I had encouraged him to join the Facebook page to meet possible roommates but he decided he wanted to take his chances! Wound up with 3 roommates that he had nothing in common. He would have been pretty miserable if it hadn’t been for the kids he met during OA. He wound up sleeping on the couch most nights in one of the boys rooms and becoming great friends with his roommates. Two years later all those boys rent rooms in a house we bought in Tuscaloosa . I know telling you how valuable the OA program was to my son will not help yours but hopefully it will help someone. It is a great opportunity to meet a lot of OOS students with a focus on their education. I can’t say enough about OA and AA.</p>

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<p>isn’t this frustrating? Finding the same thing.</p>

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<p>Some RA’s do more than others to fulfill the requirements Housing sets for them. I can recall a few activities my daughter mentioned…a late night cupcake social, an opportunity to participate in community service (making Valentines for RISE students), a couple of nerf wars for the guys, and a RCS had something for Halloween with candy and costumes. Some got together downstairs to watch a football game and also a television show they liked. The RA’s have a small budget to allow for such events.</p>

<p>Sometimes there will be signs in the hallways on the floors.</p>

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<p>Agree with “reminder” message.
I found out first semester with everything new they skim newsletters if at all. If I saw something of interest I copied it and sent e-mail as “in case you missed,” no comments about whether he should attend. There were times he said that he had “missed that,” was interested and this left him with the opportunity to judge if it fit his schedule.</p>

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<p>I would also like to suggest focus on making UA work rather than transferring, I wouldn’t want him to start planning the transfer and not give where he is at a chance. Also unless it impacts his academics I would table any talks until it is time for transfer application for fall 2013. My opinion is based on being a military family and while not quite the same I know from many moves it takes 4-6 months almost every time we move for D’13, or even me, to settle in to our new city. Even when we hand picked our new city, initially we always struggled. </p>

<p>I hope that in the next few weeks that your S is able to starting making those new connections at UA!</p>

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<p>denthyg, I think once classes get going and your son meets more kids, things will get better. I know there are non-partying engineering majors out there, because my D is hanging out with a bunch of engineering guys she met at OA and in her dorm (RCW). They’ve been going to the Rec Center, cooking in the community kitchen, kayaking, playing soccer and who only knows what else (she’s too busy to talk to me). D’s roommates have also been busy socially, and not at wild and crazy parties, either. He just needs to meet one or two likeminded kids, and it seems exponential after that. Hang in there!</p>

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<p>My S is experiencing something similar. I hate seeing him on Facebook at 9pm on a Friday or Saturday night. He does not hang with his roommates. I am just hoping that in time he will meet more people in class, honors college, engineering programs, etc. it is hard on us per nets too because we don’t want our kids to suffer ever, but I’m 1200 miles away do I can’t do anything but pester him with texts.</p>

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<p>My son experienced what he called “loneliness” the first few days of college, and that came during Alabama Action. He was 800 plus miles from home, knew no one going to UA and did not have wheels (btw, still doesn’t and could care less). He slowly found people to hang with – some in his classes, some through programs with the Honors College, some through different organizations. He did not go Greek until his sophomore year, and while he likes a party, he is not doing it every night. Truthfully, he’s too busy with everything from classes to research to friends to community service to functions with the Honors College.</p>

<p>He does attend church in T-Town. Sometimes he goes to the Baptist Church with some fraternity brothers. Sometimes he goes to the Methodist Church with other friends. </p>

<p>BTW, he also talked of transferring during his freshman year. He’s glad he never followed through with those thoughts. </p>

<p>Hopefully, your son will find places to plug in. There are a lot of great kids at Bama. Tell your son to give it some time. He will find things to do, people to hang with.</p>

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<p>The first couple of weeks can be tough on new freshmen who aren’t coming in with the sizable social network that some freshmen already have. I remember calling my family and complaining that stuff didn’t start up for about a month and that I wasn’t meeting a lot of people. </p>

<p>One thing that I notice with freshmen is that they want to be and stay friends with the first people they meet, particularly at Bama Bound, move-in, and Alabama/Outdoor Action. While some of these people can become long term friends, it is often the case that after a couple months of classes, one begins to see less and less of these people. </p>

<p>In my experience, some of the best roommates are those in witch you have almost noting in common with. This year I’m rooming with two previous roommates with whom I share little in common, but have a great relationship with as roommates. </p>

<p>Since your son has a religious outlet, that may be a good choice for him. As a non-religious person, I met a lot of my closest friends through a non-religious organization, political group, specialized major program, and friends of friends. </p>

<p>One of the disservices I see at the beginning of the year is that so many students drink to excess. When consumed in moderation, alcohol is most often a non issue. There is nothing wrong with having a glass of wine with dinner, a beer or two at trivia night, or a nightcap, provided that one DOES NOT DRIVE AFTERWARDS or lets the alcohol control their actions.</p>

<p>One of the best pieces of advice I’ve heard about drinking is to teach ones children to only drink “good alcohol” (read: expensive) so that they don’t feel inclined to drink cheap alcohol to excess. Does it work? If you can have your child turn into a [insert alcohol name] snob, they might take their preferences to heart.</p>

<p>Best of luck with everything and let us know if there is anything we can do to help. One of my roommates is a freshman with the same major and I met many freshmen with the same major while helping with move-in.</p>