Hi, so I was a regular on this site in high school. I ended up at the University of Alabama, primarily for financial reasons (NMF). I was a typical high stats/bad ECs applicant. I really thought it would be fine, and that I would end up loving it.
Unfortunately, that is not what happened. I rushed, got the 2nd worst sorority, and hardly fit in with anyone in it (it has a very low average GPA, and most girls are from the North, Chicago area, or West Coast). It is SO HARD to find girls who are academically focused and in STEM, and in general, it has just been challenging to find friends. The state of Alabama passed a law over the summer that killed the womenās studies department and made it harder to have discussions about anything that could be considered offensive in class, including things about gender or race. We had zero class discussions in sociology last semester because of it. The campus as a whole is so conservative. And conservative in a respectful way is perfectly fine. I donāt really care what people believe. Itās more the type where Iāve heard way more straight white people here casually throw around the N and F slurs than in my fairly conservative Southern hometown.
Iām just getting so frustrated and upset that I worked so hard in high school for nothing. I expected there to be a large group of academically motivated people because of all the scholarships they give, but in the STEM departments, itās majority men. The vast majority of people here could not care less about academics.
I will say, academically, it is great. All of my science professors have been amazing, and I have loved my classes. Itās just that college is more than going to class and coming home.
Has anyone else been stuck in a similar spot where theyāre just really not enjoying their college but canāt really transfer, and what did you do?
Iām sorry youāve had trouble finding your people, and that there are so many problematic social dynamics. That sounds really hard.
Is applying to Blount at all an option for you? Even if not, would it be possible to find ways to connect with Blount scholars for socializing? I would imagine theyād be more in line with your vibe.
Iām pretty sure thatās just for entering freshmen to apply to, plus adding on extra classes I need to take doesnāt really fit my goals. I could find some people in it though! It does seem like the people who are in specific, smaller honors programs (compared to the general honors college) all found their people in their programs
Elise, hugs to you. I remember your posts last year.
First of all, there is no law that says that you can only be friends with other students. I worked in the humanities library for a semester when I was in college and became friendly (and then actual friends) with an archivist (paid professional staff. I just checked backpacks to make sure students were stealing stuff). He was really interesting and had just moved to town for the job so didnāt know anyone. We didnāt become lifelong friends or anything huge- but just to have someone who would say āthereās a Japanese film festival downtown this weekend- do you know anything about Japanese cinema?ā was great. And itās always nice to see a movie with someone who knows more about the genre than you do.
Second, there is also no law that says all activities must take place on campus. You can get a job in town at a regular store that has regular customers. You can volunteer for an organization that works in the public schools (tutoring, mentoring, that sort of thing), and you can join a religious organization filled with non-students and meet some of the locals. There are certain types of activities and clubs and associations that appeal to specific demographics- which you obviously know. Iām going to take a wild stab in the dark and assume that the folks at the local chapter of the Democratic National Committee donāt use racial slurs at their meetings.
Third- if you donāt like your sorority, itās not a life sentence. You may find more of your āpeepsā hiding in plain sight in non-Greek settings. Is there a standup comedy club? Modern dance performance group? Literary magazine or poetry performance organization or a group that performs Baroque music with the original instruments? I discovered in college that these organizations need āregular peopleā (I donāt have particular talents in the arts). They need a publicity manager and a finance manager and someone who manages their performance calendar and coordinates rehearsal space and negotiates travel insurance for the spring tour in Europe. That could be you! If the sorority turns out not be very fulfilling for you, you can switch gears.
Hugs. I know you can do this. Sociologists have a term for what you are experiencing- āstarter friendshipsā. It happens everywhere- camp, military bases, workplaces, school, even prisons. People show up not knowing anyone else and very loose bonds start to form. They are loose because the people you befriend initially may not have anything in common with you other than your proximity to each other. Sure, itās nice to have someone to eat lunch with, but thatās not a true friendship.
Thatās OK! With a little effort, these āloose bondā relationships get replaced with much deeper friendships with other people, and the āstartersā get left behind. Itās just the way humans work. It doesnāt mean you have to go out of your way to dump the sorority friends you donāt have much in common with. It just means that once you get out of your comfort zone and start to meet other people, those bonds naturally start to fall away and get replaced with people youāve met in other settings.
Sorry to hear. When you say second worst sorority, thatās unfair. Not everyone likes them though.
As for STEM being mostly male, thatās mostly everywhere.
You have a great deal. Join clubs of interest. There are others that share your interests. Itās 30k plus kids.
I promise you are not alone.
Try and keep your head up. Many struggle early. Mine did and he loved it. He hiked all the time and joined the sailing club. He has not a political bone in his body.
So keep an open mind. You are budget constrained, and you got a gift - the gift of no financial pressure. That likely wonāt come as a transfer.
Also look at an abroad semester and/or a year through the national student exchange if valid with your scholarship. Also look to see if McCullough pre med is possible with transfer. I know you were late.
Just to add, it makes it 50x worse that the person here I am extremely close to from home is strongly considering transferring, and has the money to easily do so. They are my favorite part of being here.
What do you mean by this? I donāt really care about the sorority hierarchy, but it is veryyy well established and even plays into exec elections in non-greek life clubs around campus. Plus anyone in greek life (which is 1/2 the student body and more than 1/2 of the girls) immediately assumes 1000000 things about you depending on what sorority/frat youāre in.
I added to my previous note - abroad and national student exchange to buy time. I put a link.
Btw the āhomeā part is maybe the issue. Kids go to school. You need to open up. My son rarely saw his home best friend at school. Their interests were not the same.
Genuine question. Can you get out of the sorority? It looks like the vast majority of women are not in a sorority, despite what most think. Just googling says 36% are in Greek life. Sure, there are probably commuters, but regardless, there should be substantial numbers of non-Greek students.
I agree with lindagaf about the sororityā¦maybe drop that if you donāt think itās going to work for you. Many/most women are not in a sorority.
Beyond that I agree with the others who have said be persistent, join clubs, and you will meet your people. IMO itās quite common that first year students havenāt found their people by January. Good luck to you.
Yes! My best friend Iāve made here is from that sorority though. I am actually inactive this semester to explore other options. I just havenāt met as many people as I expected I would once I got out of that bubble.
Iām sorry if thatās the impression Iāve given. Iām so busy that I actually hardly have any free time. I went to office hours today and just joined a lab. Iām about to go practice piano for my lesson then workout actually
Iām sorry you are having a lousy social experience. I didnāt always have a great one at my college, either. A few things that changed the game for me:
I studied abroad for a semester and met all kinds of kids (in my school and from other schools)
I got internships and jobs off campus (I was so busy sometimes I didnāt have much time to feel bad about my social life, and I became friendly with people at the places I worked, too
I quit my sorority. This was a big one. Once released from the rules, mandatory meetings, the gossip, etc. I felt like a new human being. I quit after I returned from studying abroad, because, honestly, what is more lame than a mandatory chapter meeting when you have been in Paris for a few months? Nothing.
I got deep into my major and met people who cared about the same things I did.
My guess is that you and your close friend talk about transferring a lot. And perhaps you kind of feed off each otherās negative energy and bond over how unhappy you are. I say that because I also had a friend like that, and once she did finally quit and go back home to finish school, I also felt a burden lift off me. We were bringing each other down and it stopped being a healthy dynamic.
Maybe give it one more go and see how you feel at the end of the year?
Iām in three pre med clubs, but the two big ones are more sit in a lecture hall and listen style. Once the other one starts up again I will make more of an effort to make friends with some people in it! Iām also not 100% sure about being premed anymore, so Iām trying to move away from the vast majority of my ECs being premed related
PS I love that you are going to work outā¦itās so important for oneās physical and mental health. Do they have any workout classes at the gym? Maybe check some of those out?
Hi, I remember you well from last year. Sorry things have been tough socially. It is really difficult when you feel you are only meeting people not on your wavelength.
I agree with others above who say that letting the sorority membership āfade awayā would be a fine thing if you donāt feel they represent you and your values. And I agree that you may find more of your people in Blount or in some other honors. I understand you might not be able to (or might not want to) officially join these groups, but Iām hoping that if you reach out and explain your situation to student leadership in these groups they may let you attend events and socialize with them.
I understand that the best part of your experience currently is the one friendship from home-- that makes sense. On the other hand, that friend actively planning to leave must make staying there seem all the harder. I wonder if it might actually get easier when they do actually leave because it wonāt be a topic of conversation anymore.
I think others above gave great ideas about where to find more intellectually-oriented friends. I will add that you might consider talking to some of your STEM profs about the problem. Maybe they know of other high achieving students who are forming study groups or who are doing research with them.
Best of luck! I do think you will find a group of like-minded students, even if it didnāt happen in the first semester.
